Even the sunshine can't help this morning

There are very few things that make me literally want to either stick my head in the sand or crawl into a hole and die. I've overcome so many of the things that used to make me want to do those things, but there is still one thing that makes me truly scared. So scared that I just want to shut down and hide until it is safe to come out. Money troubles.

We have had money issues since the day I became a SAHM. Sometimes they have been VERY bad. Like when we lived back in Vernon I would drive my van home knowing we hadn't made a payment in awhile making sure I didn't see any tow trucks looming and drive it quickly into the garage and shut the door. Sometimes they were just a bit bad and we might not be able to pay the electricity or cable bill right away and we would carry a month. When we sold our house in Vernon we were fortunate enough to wipe our slate clean. We paid off everything we owed, were able to put 20% down on our current house AND had money left over to fix up things, buy furniture, etc. For the first couple of years, we even paid extra on our mortgage each month so we could bring the principal amount down quicker. We were doing ok up until last fall when the economy took a huge tumble and the phone stopped ringing. Literally. No work. No work equals no money. All winter I prayed we'd have enough snow to catch up. No dice. We got by, barely. Spring, I hoped we'd get caught up. Nope, still just getting by barely. This morning my home phone got shut off. Without checking with hubby, I paid it online. Went to transfer the money and there was only a 3 figure balance in the business account. OH MY GAWD. Now I had to call hubby. Which is not a good thing. Which caused him more stress when I know he is stressed to the max already.

Money problems make me sit here crying because I don't know what else to do. Money problems make me want to run into a dark hole and not come out. Money problems make my heart beat faster and my tummy sick. I feel helpless and stupid. Stupid because we did this to ourselves. We chose to have 6 kids. We chose this life. No one made us walk down this path. I feel like such a failure. I don't have a job. I can't help out - helpless. I just use up the money, but I don't help put it in the bank. I pray because that is all I can do. I pray that my hubby doesn't keel over from a heart attack because I just laid some more stress on him this morning. I pray that we can just pay our bills...just catch up. I never ever asked to be rich. I just wanted to live without this kind of worry and without second guessing all of our decisions - including the decision to have so many children. And that makes me feel guilty. I love my kiddos more than life itself, but I know things wouldn't be as difficult if we stopped at two...or four. I know having 6 was a totally selfish thing. I wanted 6. Wanted. Not needed.

I know what people say about people like us. The kind of people who are on state insurance and have so many kids. I know that many people think that we are and have been irresponsible and have no foresight. I guess maybe that is true. I think that is probably the reason why I feel so badly because the truth hurts. That is what I think too. What I was brought up to think.

This sucks. I dream of the day that I don't have to feel this way. The day I can help this household in a monetary way. The day that my hubby doesn't have to carry this load on his own. Maybe then, I will feel smart again. Maybe then I won't feel like running and hiding. Maybe one day I won't have to worry about what people think about people like me.