How Can This Be?

So in 3 short hours I will be the mother to an "adult" child. How did this happen?

I mean, he's still a senior in high school and for all intents and purposes, nothing has really changed, but in the legal sense, he is his own person. He has to go register with selective service, register to vote and still plans on seeing the Marine recruiter sometime after the new year.

Part of me couldn't wait for this day especially the last couple of years. His teen years have been a real struggle for me. If you know me well, I've likely told you that young children are easy to parent. I've NEVER questioned my parenting until number 1 became a teenager. We've had so many issues and stumbling blocks - from the academics taking a nosedive starting in 8th grade to the lure of alcohol & drugs. Through all of this, glimpses of this amazing person would show through and I would grab hold of that and not let go. It kept me going on those days that I really felt like shooing him out the door and telling him not to come back because it just seemed like it would never get better.

Hubby says that number one and I are two peas in a pod. We are both extremely stubborn and tenacious. I like to call it the WJC streak because that is so like my Dad. In some things, this stubbornness allows us to get things done, in others it makes us totally unapproachable & hard to reach. It's a real pain for anyone who lives in our house when we are going head to head, I'm sure.

Number one was an easy baby, an easy child and an easy tween - kind, good grades, honest, athletic - he was an all around good kid. For a few years he was moody and sullen or happy and easy going - you just never knew which. For the most part, he is back to being easy, but I've also laid off on most parenting issues. I figure, whatever "taught" was either learned or not, but I didn't have any more "control". He would do what it was he was going to do. As parents we have pretty much given free reign with the knowledge that if he lied or otherwise abused our trust, that would be it. He hasn't done anything to upset the apple cart to our knowledge. In fact, I've seen him turn towards his family more and more in the last year. He values each and every one of them - from us (his parents) to each of his aunts, uncles & cousins.

I could tell you a million great things about my first born son, but I don't think that any of them would ever explain my absolute love and admiration for him. He has been my "go to" kid for just about everything for such a long time. I'm afraid to let him go because I'm selfish and wonder how I will manage without him. While I don't want to let him go, I also can't wait to see where he goes. He's smarter than he thinks and has such potential. I keep telling him that he can do ANYTHING and that this is the most exciting part of life and not to wish it away.

I hope tomorrow brings only good things for my first baby. I hope the coming year his blessings overflow, but what parent doesn't?

Stay tuned...I know I will.

My cookie & candy list for Christmas

Just thought I would share...be happy to send any recipes for anyone who is interested!

Cookies:
Anise biscotti
Chocolate almond biscotti
Christmas cutouts cookies
Ginger almond refrigerator cookies
Lemon cheese pressed cookies
Jam Thumbprints (apricot & strawberry)
Orange drop cookies w/orange butter icing (taken from a friend's recipe swap blog)
Dark chocolate espresso shortbread (also taken from blog)
Stuffed Red Velvet cookies (recipe from friend)
Gingerbread house, cottage & other various gingerbread cutouts (lots of candy to decorate these)
Pizzelles (anise flavored)

I have the biscotti & most of the cutouts done. Today I am going to work on the pressed cookies and get the dough ready for the ginger almond cookies. If I have time, I will also do the shortbread. I have to find some bigger bottles of red food coloring before I can make the red velvet cookies, but that's ok. I forgot LOL American cheese and that's a no no here so I will have to hit the grocery store soon.
The pizzelles will be done very close to Christmas as they are not easy to store.


Candies:
Peanut butter balls
Peppermint patties
truffles (maybe oreo - def. liqueur flavored - Frangelico (hazelnut), Bailey's Irish Cream & maybe Amaretto if I can get to the package store.)

I will have to get my fondant done soon. It needs a couple of days to "ripen" after making it. The PB balls and especially the truffles are easy peasy and will likely be done next week.

For the most part, I've cut down on the sheer amount of cookies I make and the amount of candies as well. It got so overwhelming for a few years and stopped being fun.

Also this year, because money is very tight, I am opting out of buying the teachers gifts. I have a "In a Jar" cookbook that I will use to make some cookie, muffin or scone mixes and one of the teacher's has asked that we give to a local food bank instead. I did pick up two "kid friendly" cookbooks at Job Lot for a dollar for the pre-K and K classrooms though. I know the teachers understand, but I feel so badly not being able to do much.

Well, no more sitting here - there's baking to be done! TTFN!

Oh my word

I am sitting here with so many things to do, sipping my almost cold coffee and trying to figure out what to do first (and find the motivation to do it.) Well, first I need to exercise, but I mean after that. I think this is called "lollygagging".

I have decided to cut down on the sheer amount of baking I do for the holidays. I usually find so many cookie recipes and I want to make them all so I try and yeah - I get burnt out and crazy - over baking. Silly woman. This year I have 6-8 cookie recipes that I will make and for candy I plan on doing almond joys and peppermint patties. Of course, I will still need to make the gingerbread for our house too. I'm thinking that might be a good project this weekend. Poor number 6....unless I find another "glue" to hold the candy on the house, she won't be helping. Why does royal icing have to be made with egg whites anyway?

So here I sit neither exercising nor getting baking done which really stinks because the time seems to move so much faster after 9am. Ugh. I swear I just looked at the time and it read 8:48am. It is now 9:21am. See?! There is a time conspiracy after 9am! I'm sure of it now.

Well - I better be off to find my motivation...won't get anything done without it!

12-07-09

After a busy weekend, I am reflecting on my father's passing 3 years ago today. While there is sorrow still in my heart, slowly it is replaced by fond memories that make me smile and if I was truthful sometimes some not so fond memories which still bring tears to my eyes. In my personal belief system, God will allow me to know all the answers to those still nagging feelings/thoughts at some point. Maybe not this lifetime, but sometime. I take comfort in that.

My Dad was a complicated man. There was the man who drank and was a total butthole and then there was the father who doted on me and who I knew loved me unconditionally. I am positive he had demons of his own - some known to others and some not. I know he loved his kids and despite some of the craziness of growing up with an alcoholic, we loved him too. Sometimes I think me most of all. I think my Mom loved my Dad too and I think that if my Dad wasn't so controlling & abusive to her when he drank, things might have ended differently for them.

I lived with my Dad until I married Chris and moved out - well except for the 2.5 years I chose to live with my mother & stepfather. He was my confidante. I could talk to him about anything and usually did. Other people thought he was a wonderful guy - handsome, kind, compassionate, smart. He was all those things except when the drink took it away. My Dad was an enigma, but I think many people are. You cannot pigeonhole people because there are so many facets to them and often times, what you see on the outside is just a small part of what is on the inside. Anyway, he was what he was. He was good and bad and despite the bad, I still miss him and will always love him.

Happy Monday night in November

Ok. So I usually try not to stand on a soapbox and tell the world what they should be doing, but I cannot bite my tongue on this.

I've started to look at labels again. Generally I do look at labels, but once I deem something is suitable to purchase, I don't look at them anymore. This is where my mistake came to light. We buy apple juice. 100% no sugar added. From concentrate mostly because hey, let's face it-we have 5 out of 6 children who like apple juice and generally it's cheaper. We don't drink more than a small cup full each day, but you can see with just 5 it's bound to be a high demand item.

So I start noticing the "country of origin" which is now required to be printed on all juices (and on many of our food items). I'm not really picky, however truth be told, I'd prefer to purchase things produced in my own country or the neighboring country to the north of us. I about DIED when I saw China. Really? We need to get our apple concentrate from CHINA? WHY? Well, I figure there are two reasons and neither are making me feel any better. One reason - because it is cheaper. Cheaper does not equal better when it comes to many things. Apple concentrate is one of them. Second reason - we don't have enough concentrate in our own country to meet the demand. Still not diggin' it. So just cut production. If we don't have it, we don't have it. China? Really?

This is the same country who repeatedly sends toys to us with lead in their paint. Plastic crap toys that break because they are so cheap. Really? We want to get our FOOD products from there? Color me xenophobic I guess - I don't want their crap here. I don't want their food or their toys or any of their cheap crap in my house anymore. I've decided that even if I have to pay $15 for something that is made here (ie, a locally made coffee cup from a potter instead of a $5 coffee mug made in China) then I will just have fewer items. LESS is more in this case. My family isn't worth hurting over a few pennies, or a few dollars, or a few hundred dollars or even a few thousand dollars.

On a totally unrelated note, I've been noticing the traffic feed on my blog. Interesting to see where people come from to read my dribble and the fact that I have hits from other countries (other than the ones to the north and east of me). More interesting is the fact that at least one person who hits every week or so is someone I don't speak to anymore. I don't get the fascination on what is happening in my life...It boggles my brain really. I haven't changed any. I'm still me and I'm still not a fan of using people, but I'm not about to take this private again just for that one person. I guess this little blurb is just to let that person know that they are not going unnoticed...I know you're here, but I wonder why.

Other than those two things, I have nothing else...hard to believe, isn't it?

Where did that come from?

Just a minute ago I received a totally unexpected comment on FB. It was from a guy I knew in high school. He graduated a year ahead of me. We had one English class together and he was what you would call an "outsider". He had plenty of friends, but I wouldn't have called him "mainstream". I enjoyed getting to know him during our class time, but we never hung out or anything. With the magic of FB, I was happy to find & friend him. My favorite memories of him were during Halloween when he would dress up as Gumby (he was like 6 feet tall and didn't have a small frame) and during our English class when we produced a short film (a horror flick where our teacher killed us all with Barry Manilow music...hahaha). Just random memories that make me smile.

Anyway, he told me that I was smart, observant and thoughtful. I was embarrassed at first because I don't like compliments (ok, so I am still a bit embarrassed). I am ever mindful of never wanting to sound like I am "all that" because I see so many things I would love to change about myself. I then started to think about it...while I certainly feel uncomfortable with the compliments, I am also happy that people think that about me. I am happy that is what I am showing through my interactions on FB and frankly, in life. I had a cousin tell me just a few months ago that I reminded her of her Mom. That particular comment brought me to tears and still does just thinking of it. My aunt was the most loving, empathetic and compassionate person I knew. To be even compared to her was mind blowing, but it also made me want to be better. To forgive even easier. To show others love more. To heal others' hurts.

I don't think my uncomfortableness of receiving compliments will ever stop, but I hope they continue to make me strive to be a better person.

How it went

So what exactly did 20 years of marriage bring to us yesterday? Hah. Here's the rundown!

It brought 3 children 10 and under with fevers. 4 children 10 and under with coughs that just wouldn't quit and yet another day home from school. Let me also mention that it also brought a hubby home early to change out of soaking wet clothes & a scratchy throat to boot. I'm almost positive that we're all going to be oinking at some point! Well, maybe not me because you know Moms aren't allowed to be sick.

On the phone with my bestie, it brought a clogged toilet which wouldn't have been so bad except that the little one decided to poop on top of it all. Gagging is always a treat, but even more so on your 20th wedding anniversary. Washing the plunger out is also a great treat. YAY!

It brought rain & damp, cold weather, a trip to J's high school around noon with the whole sick crew and a trip to R's high school at 4:45pm followed by a trip to the dance studio by myself. Of course, it brought a fire in the woodstove too...one that by dinner time had forced us to open up the windows in the dining room because we all were melting from the heat.

It brought a *delicious* dinner of angel hair, jarred sauce and a cake from a box. Very gourmet indeed. The kids did try to sing Happy Anniversary to us though which was pretty cool since no one really felt well. They told us we should have had 20 candles in the cake to blow out. When did anniversaries become like birthdays?

Basically the day was like any other with a little bit of extra crap (no pun intended) thrown in, BUT we gave each other some nice cards w/pretty words, had quite a few laughs in spite of the all the crap and promised that we'll celebrate it right some other day when things are less hectic.

It also brought so many thoughtful anniversary greetings - on FB, by text, email, phone & by snail mail. We are so blessed with wonderful family & friends and we know we are loved.

Mostly, yesterday cemented the fact that hubby is really the only person that I would want to have beside me when we're dealing with life. I still would choose him 23 years later.

10/28/86

The day Chris asked me to "go out" with him exclusively. 10/28/89 - The day we were joined in marriage.

23 years later and I am even more in love with him. Sure, there are days that I would like to throttle him and I'm sure the same holds true for him. There are days I rethink my choices I've made in my life thus far, but the constant is that he is my BEST friend. He always has been. I think is likely why we're still together. The butterflies in my tummy ebb and flow, but knowing I have another half is what keeps me going.

So happy anniversary to my best friend and hubby. Hope the next 20 bring as many blessings as the first 20. I love you the mostest, the bestest and all the muches...always & forever.

The time has come

The time has come where I can no longer take the lung burning during/after a good run. After finishing my 5K on Saturday in just over 38 minutes I realized that if I had been able to run the whole thing without stopping and gasping for air I might have shaved enough off my time to actually meet the goal I set for myself in finishing a race in 30-35 minutes. Not only did the burn happen during the run, I felt the after effects the whole day. It was not pleasant at all and after 7 months of regular cardio exercise, I think I should be farther along than I am.

So I need to make an appointment with my GP's office. I am almost certain that I have asthma. I'm almost certain that burning lungs at less than a 5mph speed 7 months into running isn't right. I also am pretty sure this is why I hated running when I was younger. I remember this feeling and I didn't understand when I was a young girl, but I do now. It wasn't so much being out of shape (I loved to swim, ride my bike, play kickball & volleyball) as much as it was the "burning lungs syndrome" of asthma. I also remember doing really well in sprints - it was the longer distance stuff that was the bane of my existence. I get it now.

I feel good in the fact that my blood pressure is where it needs to be so I know I won't be getting "the look" from my PA as I did last March when I went in so sick with bronchitis and a hell of a sinus infection. I view that appointment as a "turning point" in my life. I decided on that day that I needed to take control of what was happening to my body and take care of myself. Not only for me, but for the many people who count on me on a daily basis. The change has been slow. I have not lost a ton of weight although I remind myself that that wasn't my number one goal. I have lost about 5 pounds total since the start of this journey. I also still have to push myself some days. I find that if I have a goal (like running a 5k), I am much more likely to work harder. I am thinking that my next goal will be to strengthen my core muscles & arms. I will keep running a few times a week for the cardio benefits, but I want to get serious about toning & building muscle now. I know I am stronger & healthier than I was 7 months ago, but I aim to be even better than I was in my 20's. I want my 40's to be the best time yet because I have a feeling that so many good things are coming my way.

I am proud of myself for pushing through even with the pain & wheezing. I have proven to myself just how strong and how much gumption I really have. Now I just have to ride the wave to where I want to be. It probably won't be easy, but that hasn't scared me yet. I also know I have the BEST cheerleaders in the whole world should I need a pick me up or a reminder of what I am capable of. Life is good...even with asthma.

Well look at that...two days in a row of blogging! Murphy's Law, I suppose. Say something won't happen and look, it does!

Today I spent two hours of my life in a Pre-K classroom. I've spent hours in this classroom over the last couple of years with D's pre-k's classes, but this was my first day in E's class. I've always enjoyed it. Usually I do simple work (cutting stuff out, copying, helping at center time, etc.)...sometimes you could maybe even call it boring. WOW. I was NOT prepared for today!

Pre-K classrooms that are held in our public schools are integrated classes - meaning that there are "role model" kids and "special ed" kids. D is a "special ed/special needs" kid because he receives speech & language services as well as some OT. Other than the few issues he still has with speech and the fact that he is a teeny bit off on his mid-line abilities, he is like any other normal kid. Obviously, not all special ed/special need kids are this way.

It became apparent when I walked into the music room that today was not like the other times. There was one little boy who the main pre-k teacher, Mrs L, was keeping very close tabs on. He was earning pieces of a train with good behavior and following directions. Another little boy was sitting outside the classroom because something frightened him in the music room (the music teacher was wearing a belted mic system which may have been the cause). The rest of the kids were following the music teacher for the most part with the younger ones having a bit harder time. (My girl? Yeah, she was the one who didn't stand with the others, but stood front and center with the teacher. gah!)

On the way back to class I was in charge of the line and we stopped at the fountain for a sip of water. We walked quietly for the most part up the ramp past the library and into the classroom. Mrs. L was still very much involved with the same boy so the paraprofessional, Mrs. D, was telling the children what centers were open and letting them choose one by one which they wanted to go to.

At this time I was in charge of a cutting project. I find that most 3 yo's still have issues with cutting (thumbs up and scissors WIDE, when we cut) and even some 4 yo's too (heck, some Kindergartners still need help). It was good to have no more than 2 children there at a time and for some kids even just having one was good. This is where I got to meet R. He was the little boy sitting outside at music. He is obviously special needs, but I couldn't venture to guess what services he receives. He has trouble following directions sometimes and likes to be moving, but he also is a little boy who cut out his own paper even though Mrs. D told me that he couldn't. I helped him put his scissors on correctly, held the paper for him and HE cut it. He did beautifully and from then on, I was in love. I think the feeling was mutual because he talked to me quite a bit during snack time.

In the middle of center time, the class was called down for pictures. Anyone who has pre-k kids knows that disruption of the schedule sometimes can be a bit daunting. It is hard to just have to stop and start something else. The kids did great and only a few were behind pottying and washing hands before pictures. We went to library and some of the more active kids went first and then I took them back to the classroom to clean up and get ready for snack. By the time the classroom was cleaned up, tables wiped and readied for snack, the whole class was back and everyone lined up to wash. During this time, the main teacher was still close to the same little boy and I realized then that this class is FAR more of handful than the others I've been in the last two years. I did mention this to Mrs. D and she said that the afternoon class has its challenges as well because there are no "returning" pre-k'ers in that class. I found a new respect for Mrs. L and Mrs. D. Not once did I see them lose their cool or get angry. I saw frustration more than once, but it was definitely kept in check. I admire that greatly since I have a hot head and know how hard it is to keep a quiet voice when you really want to scream.

I also found that some of the hardest kids to deal with are also the ones I personally find the most joy in. The one little boy that Mrs. L was keeping tabs on thought about others and was kind. R might have a hard time following directions and keeping his body still, but he is lovable and sweet. Another little boy who has boundless energy has the happiest face I have EVER seen. He smiles ALL the time. While I'm sure the challenges of teaching these particular boys sometimes is overwhelming I can't help, but feel how lucky I am to be a part of it even though it is only a couple of days a month.

I guess what it comes down to is that children are all different. Sometimes the children who are MOST different and may present the biggest challenge to us are the ones that also have the power to give you complete joy in just knowing them and watching them grow. I was definitely blessed this morning and I look forward to going back next Thursday to do it again.

Come out, come out wherever you are!

I've tried in vain to come up with fun and/or witty things to write about the past couple of weeks. You see, I started this blog to be able to decompress thoughts and feelings in my head and as I read back through the last dozen or so posts, I am disgusted that all I seem to be able to write about is girlfriend drama or kids or whatever. Nothing meaty or helpful or even a bit enjoyable.

I know I can be witty...hell, sometimes even downright funny. I know I'm intelligent and I care about the world around me and the events taking place in it. However, I also realize that I don't have the time anymore to get all my ducks in row on some subjects (politics anyone?). I am trying to better myself in so many ways on top of trying to keep the house in running order and family up to speed. I find myself with a lot less time to think - never mind write.

I wish I could come up with something eloquent about how autumn in New England makes me feel. Or tell a tale or two about how I spend my 1/2 days of freedom now that number 6 is in Pre-K. Truth be told, I don't think anyone really cares about my run of the mill run on the treadmill or how I lost my breath two miles into my run and had to walk for a bit down the street. I don't think anyone wants to hear how I drink my coffee, run, do laundry and try to clean each and every day or why my library books sat here because I just couldn't find the time to bring them back when they were due.

And just so I am sure I am not setting the wrong tone, I am not upset about this. I think what I am finding out is that my RL isn't so very overwhelming (and at the same time underwhelming) anymore. I don't need an outlet as much as I used to. I am finding that even some of my IF's are becoming a part of my RL and that is awesome.

I used the computer to find friends during a time in my life that I couldn't/wouldn't find them around me and now those same friends have changed how I look at myself and my world. I've learned so much about keeping my mouth shut when I'm not certain about the stuff coming out of it (well, this always could use work...lol), about empathy and being the kind of person that people want to be like and really just living...being a part of the human race.

My journey to a better me is not even close to being done (as far as I know), but I'm enjoying it more. Perhaps knowing that my 40th birthday is looming large on the horizon also has something to do with making sure I'm living my life in a way that I'll look back and be pleased with who I've surrounded myself with and what I've accomplished. Perhaps it is even because my eldest will be 18. He is beginning adulthood and I am firmly planted here already. It often makes me reflect on what is past, but more importantly, what I want to see & feel in the future.

So I apologize for the lack of witty, entertaining posts over the last 6 or so months. I hope to rectify it at some point, but if I don't, at least you all know that I'm off living the life that I hope will be with very few regrets.

Insomnia Bites

It is 3:30am. I should be sleeping. I woke up at 1:46am with a start realizing that my hubby had not called or texted me since about 8:30pm when they had stopped for gas. I'm sure he didn't want to wake me and I appreciate it, but I worry. I would like to think that no news is good news. Yeah, I'm going to go with that because short of calling the hotel, I have no other way of knowing. I texted him and have heard nothing back in two hours.

So I can't sleep. My hubby being gone is rare and it is unsettling to me. Now, don't get me wrong, I like weekends away with my girlfriends or other family members. I enjoy getting away from the daily grind of housework and taking care of little ones (and the not so little ones), but I don't sleep well there either. Sleeping next to my hubby is where I am meant to be.

I cannot tell you how many times I have woken up from a horrible, scary dream and had him to comfort me or how many times his rhythmic breathing helped get me back to sleep because something else had woken me.

I don't like to sleep alone at all which is why David is tucked into my bed nicely right now. He knew as soon as it was decided that Daddy was going away that he'd have his spot. If you must know, this is the same boy who climbs in our bed almost nightly without much thinking. Knowing from experience, they stop eventually. Jeremy and Becca both climbed into bed with us regularly and suffice to say, they don't anymore. I love having my littlest boy next to me most of the time.

So today was a weird day. I worked all morning trying to get clothing (ties, shirts, pants) ironed and ready as well as baking some magic bars for their long ride. I started changing Em's clothes out putting the last of her summer dresses and clothing away or into a bag for donating right before they left. I felt so out of sorts. Depressed, but tired too. It was like I was living in a fog all day. I had planned on taking the kids to BIL & SIL's house for a birthday party, but it was 4pm - I was supposed to be there at 4pm - and I was just heading out to Target (which is 25 minutes in the opposite direction). I spent WAY more than I intended at Target and then came home to a supper of Taquitos. I know...my one guilty processed food pleasure and the kids love them too. I realized halfway through supper that we were out of milk so I took a drive to the convenience store and picked some up along with some vanilla ice cream. I decided Becca and I would have root beer floats after the kids went to bed. So glad I tucked a 12 pack away without anyone noticing beforehand. Jeremy would have totally drank away at my stash if he knew.

Tomorrow will be another long day. There is church (yuck - will this feeling ever disappear?) and all of the kids will have to come along. Usually Chris keeps David & Em because David thinks church is "boring" and has no problem speaking those words loudly so the congregation can hear him and Em, well, she is just a handful and has a hard time sitting still for too long. After church is Family Day up at the Senior Housing Center/park in town. Most everything is free and they have face painting, bounce house/slides, games, etc. all geared for the kids. Thomas will be joining his friend's family for the day after church and I will take Daniel, David & Em with me. Becca has friends she wants to hang with for the day - probably across the street in front of the library, but that's ok. After that, we will head home for a quick supper and then the mad dash to get school stuff done. Lunches, showers, milk money for the week. Maybe tomorrow night I won't wake up and not be able to sleep, but even so, I know once hubby gets home, I'll sleep better.

Off to see if sleep will come...it's almost 4am now. Even the extra 2-3 hours I might get now will make tomorrow easier.... a girl can dream.

It's been awhile

It's been a long while. I haven't had the energy or mind to blog lately. The summer seemed to sweep by taking me along for the ride. I spend too much time on this darn computer anyway most days.

Today I feel sad. Not really weepy although it may come to that (note to readers: it came while I typed). I know that AF will be making her appearance soon so I'm sure that has something to do with my melancholy way. Not only do I feel sad, but I feel tired and not the tired that will be cured by taking a nap or getting a better night's rest. My soul is tired.

The last week has been a whirlwind. Dance started in full force right after Labor Day. That along with school open houses and keeping a routine was killer. On Friday morning I woke up, got the kids on the bus, grabbed my coffee and headed to facebook as always and found out that my godfather had passed away. My sister had tried to call the night before, but I wasn't home and her number comes up "unavailable" on the caller id so Jeremy didn't pick it up.

I wasn't close with my godfather although he and his family were always regarded as close friends of our family. My parents were very close with them before I was born and until we moved to Tolland and my parents got divorced. On a couple occasions I remember visiting their home with my Dad, but for all intents & purposes, the relationship was not the same after our move. The last time I saw him was 2.5 years ago when my own father passed away.

I attended the wake with Chris - bless his soul. I was surprised that the whole family remembered me AND remembered that he was my godfather. That was the first thing his wife said to me when I introduced myself (let's face it - it's been about 30 years since I've seen her. I have changed a little bit.) After attending the wake, Chris dropped me off at a high school friend's house where we had a girls' night get together. I drank 5 or 6 cosmos, gossiped and ate yummy food. That was the highest part of my weekend, I think.

On Saturday I watched the (ex)babysitter for my kiddos get married, but felt so uncomfortable around the friends and family gathered there. My heart was not feeling the joy it should have been. I was happy for them, don't get me wrong, but in the very depths of my soul, there just wasn't the joy that should have been there. This feeling carried over to Sunday morning when I had to attend church. I did not want to go. I do not want to go anymore. I don't know why, but it isn't joyful to be there. I just want to run away and not live next door. I miss Peter more than anything. I wonder why I can't close that chapter. It's been a year since he died and we are searching for a new pastor. Nothing feels right.

After church, I came home to bake a nectarine & apple cobbler for the Oktoberfest going on across the street at the neighbors' house. This ended up being the other highlight of my weekend. I mean, who doesn't like to see grown men in lederhosen? Our German neighbors are probably the best thing that's happened since we moved here 4 years ago. I love them and they love us. They had good Bavarian beer, pretzels, sausage, potato salad and a variety of other yummy food.

While I was in the kitchen preparing & baking the cobbler, the phone rang. First Chris' cell and then the house phone. Once we found the house phone and realized that Ed & Trish called, Chris took his cell and called back. I have seen my husband cry only once in the almost 23 years we've been together. This was back in 1989 when he left me in CT to work & live on Cape Cod. We were married months later (moved up our wedding) because we hated to be away from each other. Now I've seen him cry twice. His very dear friend (and Jeremy's godfather) passed away suddenly on Saturday from a massive heart attack. The regret I saw in my husband's face & tears was so evident that my heart hurt. You see, we've both been lax about keeping in touch. Ed was like a 2nd Dad to Chris. He started doing yard work for them when he was 14yo. They have no children, but I know they felt as if Chris was the son they never had. Regret will eat you up if you let it yet I know how Chris is feeling. I know the anguish of losing someone who was part of the glue in your life. This is the first time Chris has lost someone like this. He has lost two grandparents, but somehow while that is an awful feeling, it doesn't hit home the way a parent or parent type figure does. During all this, Thomas' friend came to pick him up for a playdate and the mom shared with me that her mother in law is actively dying. They had seen her that morning and she had shared with them that she was "so scared". How does someone make peace with dying? It's coming for us all.

My heart aches. It aches for Chris. It aches for Jeremy who is mourning the loss of his godfather and his first love. It aches for Thomas' friend's family. It aches for myself. I'm tired of losing and watching other people lose loved ones. I don't want to be the adult although I know time marches on and I have no choice. I want to know the secret of how you make things stop hurting so badly and I don't want my own children to feel this. It is such a helpless situation, I'm afraid. The only thing I can do is go forward. I can't change the things that are unchangeable. I can't keep my family & friends in a bubble. For all the hurt and pain you deal with in life, I have to admit that there is joy & happiness in equal measure. You can't have one without the other. All I need right now is some peace. Peace in knowing that things will be brighter. That I can keep putting one foot in front of another and do what needs to be done. That I can be a good influence on my kids and the people around me because honestly, right now, I'm not feeling good at all. All I feel is empty.

Update to the Mama Claws & other exciting news (hahaha)

So I had a chance to talk to Jerm yesterday when he got home from work. He's been working every day (THANK GOD) and doesn't have time to sit and stew at home.

A. has not texted him since Sunday and he isn't texting her (or D. for that matter) either. In fact, he told me that unless she apologizes and is ready to talk (on the phone or in person) that he is done. I know he loves her and wants to work it out, but he has a definite idea on how he wants the relationship to proceed. Number one being that she doesn't confide in D. about how her relationship with Jerm is going! (D. was, up until this point, a mutual friend...it's never been a secret that he likes A. so why she confides in him is beyond me.) It made me feel good that Jerm has seemingly picked himself up, dusted himself off and is going to go on with life no matter what.

I also confessed that I contacted his best friend on FB. He was totally fine with it. I wanted to be honest with him and it opened up the door for me to talk more frankly about how his Dad and I feel about things on a whole. I told him that I think now that he has his license and a job to start hanging out with more people that he used to be friends with in our old town and that his life should not revolve around spending time with A. She does NOT make spending time with him a priority (which is fine - she's only 16), but I think he should treat her the same. It is glaringly obvious that he is at a different level in the relationship and that just won't work.

While talking to the hubby the other day, he and I agreed that the kids around this area are just weird. Seriously, Jerm has not made any "real" friends except for one or two and I don't mean to brag, but he's a really good kid - just quiet. Part of the reason stems from something pretty awful that happened last year at school that Jerm didn't distance himself from. He's learned his lesson, but kids have trouble forgiving even when what happened didn't affect them. Jerm spent time with the person this issue hurt the most and the kid accepted his apology and forgave him, but the other kids - not so much. Jr. year was rough for him. The only ray of light was A. and so I understand how he wants to hold on to that. It's hard learning the lesson of not holding on too tightly.

So anyway, things are going ok. He's living. He's making plans. I think he'll be ok.

Now me on the other hand? lol Yeah, I still think being a parent to a teenager is WAY harder than anything I've experienced as a Mom. Shutting my mouth is my biggest issue. I'm surprised my tongue hasn't fallen off since I bite it so often these days. God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm staying busy - trying to stay on the exercise train. I ran 5k yesterday and almost died. Heat and humidity do NOT make good running conditions - that's for sure. My new running shoes are in and I hope to pick them up tomorrow. Maybe I'll even hit the gym with my running buddy, Linda. :))))

Also am doing a major room switch in the coming weeks between the little boys and Bec. Bec finally consented to sharing a room with Em (once I promised the larger of the two bedrooms) and the boys were eager to switch and get their baby sister out of their room. lol Imagine that! After moving in 4 years ago and painting almost every room in the house, I'm ready to repaint! Bec's current room is lilac and the boys' room is blue with lots of pencil marks all over the walls - Thank you, David James. I promise pictures will be forthcoming. Before, during and after.

Basically, Bec will be ditching her full size bed for a twin loft bed (Ikea) so she can put her desk underneath and Em will be switching her very cute toddler bed for the twin frame that was her sister's in our old house. I will have to repaint the head & foot board white and then I will likely stencil a crown or put on some princess wall pops. I am hoping to work their closet into something that will hold both clothes AND toys and will repaint Rebecca's purple dresser to match the room. Right now, the focus will be just to get the walls done (pink w/brown stripes). I'm also toying with the idea of creating a chalkboard somewhere in the room with the special chalkboard paint (maybe in the boys' room too?).

The boys will keep their bunk beds and David will be getting an unfinished twin headboard/foot board from Ikea that I will probably paint dark blue. I'm not sure what solid color their room will be painted (they wanted blue, green AND yellow - all their favorite colors), but they each will get a couple of packages of Wall Pop dots in whatever colors they choose and they will be able to peel and re stick them as many times as they like in whatever shape they'd like. They also will likely be receiving a new dresser to augment the one they already have. Who knew 3 boys could have so many clothes????

If I ever find out whether Em got into pre-k, I will then start making plans to finally paint our bedroom. Our bedroom is the ONLY room in the whole house that never got painted. We have boring off white walls and a taping job gone wrong on our ceiling (which is the reason why we didn't paint to begin with - Hubby was going to fix the ceiling first!) I would like to make it a beachy/cottage retreat even though we are far from the beach. I envision something cool and soothing...any ideas are appreciated!!! After our bedroom, it will be time to get started on the kitchen. I never tiled the back splash after we did our remodel and I'd like to change paint colors on the first floor anyway. Yeah, I think Benjamin Moore & Boomas Paint will be benefiting from my painting itch. ;)

Off to get started!

Yeah - this sucks.

I am angry. Mama claws are out - beware.

J's girlfriend is on vacation. J hadn't heard from her in a couple of days despite texting her. J asked a mutual guy friend if he had heard from her because he was worried. Turns out, he had. They were texting just fine. J's girlfriend then ripped him a new asshole because she is angry with him for who knows what (seriously, he said he asked her why she was being so bitchy to him the other night and that is why she didn't text him?) AND for asking D whether he had heard from her. She also took off her signature on her texts that said she loved J. My 17yo son cried the whole way home from his grandparents last night. When I realized he was crying, I asked him what was wrong and he handed me his cell phone to read all the texting back and forth. He told her he was just going to kill himself. OMG!

I am at a loss. My son is getting his heart broken and I feel so badly. Yet, the whole killing myself thing made me angry with him too. When we got home I hugged him while he sobbed on my shoulder. For those that know me, I am just over 5 feet tall. He is over 6 feet tall. Hard to hug without a chair or something to boost me up. Anyway, so there we stood at the back of the truck in the driveway at 9pm. I told him that everything would be ok, but texting was not a good way to communicate emotions. Nothing that was so important should be done in writing, but in person or at the very least over a phone. I also told him that NO ONE was worth taking your life for and to even think that was selfish to all the people who love and care about him. I even told him that God had a plan for him. I told him that if he ever did that to think about how awful his family and friends would feel and that only cowards do that. I think he knows it deep down. What I see is that he is trying to hold on to someone that doesn't want to be held on to. I've told him that he should start hanging out with his old friends from our old town. Re-acquaint himself with them. Making friends with people you used to know is much easier than making friends with new people. I went as far as sending a private message to his best friend on FB this morning. This is a boy we've known since they were in 3yo preschool together. He is my other son. I know he'll include him because I asked and because he is his best friend. I feel a bit badly for going behind my son's back, but not terribly.

I honestly do not know how I will be able to treat A. nicely should she and J. stay together. I've read her texts. She was so bitchy & downright MEAN. I keep telling myself that it is immaturity. That she just doesn't get it because she is so young. I hate the freakin' drama of it all. I try to think back to when Chris and I got together and I'm almost positive that there was drama like this, but I don't remember being so mean. I know I was stubborn as a bull (still am), but the mean stuff I just don't get (even though I am a "mean girl"). If you love someone, you want to treat them like you do, don't you?

So yeah, my heart is heavy this morning. I am not prepared for this stuff. I would take years of infanthood & childhood over this teenager almost grown up thing. This stuff stinks BIG TIME. :(

Old friends

I found an old friend yesterday on FB. He was my Spanish partner and I once went out on a date with him. I loved him in a best friend kind of way. We called each other Chiste or Chistoso. Joke or Joker. I've missed him and thought about him a lot over the last 20 years. He graduated in the class above me although he did come to my graduation. I remember he was drunk and I was angry with him. I think that is the very last time I talked to him face to face.

So I sent a friend request last night. I added the "personal message" of "CHISTE! OMG...I've missed you. Remember all the fun in Mrs. Newman's Spanish class?!" Today when I woke up I had a message in my inbox (along with a friend acceptance in my notifications). I wrote back to him asking him what's he's been doing all these years and where he's living...you know, the norm and explained about where I've been/what I've been doing. I then took a look at his page and realized his wife died of Lupus a short time ago. I knew he had a serious girlfriend from his sister, but I didn't know much else as it had been years since I had heard anything about him. I was just heartbroken for him. :(

So tonight I got a response to my message. He told me how he had met his wife in '91, got engaged in '92 and got married in 2000. He has two grown stepchildren. He's been through a lot in the last couple of years, but hearing from old friends like me makes him smile and he's not done too much of that lately. I feel awful. I just want to find him and hug him. It actually physically makes me sick that I know he's having such a hard time and misses his wife so much. It makes me sad that I lost touch with him because he is an awesome person. Soft spoken. Gentle. Funny. Kind. The kind of person you want to keep as a close friend.

I asked him if he wanted me to keep him in the loop of the high school get togethers. He lives about 40 minutes from the town we grew up in. He said he might want to come and to keep him in the loop. I hope I can get to see him soon. Just to give him a hug and remind him how special he is to me. I also want to tell him how blessed I feel that he still thinks of me as a friend.

Part of me worries that Chris will not like this at all and I hope I can make him understand that there isn't anything that I would do to jeopardize my marriage. That I love him, but I also have the capacity to love others in different ways. He knows that I sent a message/friend request and he knows that John accepted it last night. I never keep anything from him so I don't understand the worry/jealousy stuff. In fact, I would love it for Chris and John to be friends. To really get to know each other because I think they have a ton in common. Keeping my fingers crossed that this indeed will happen...I cannot believe I would get led back to such a special person just to lose touch again. Right?!

Had to share!

So most of you probably know that I am thinking seriously about registering to run a 5k. I likely will do the Turkey Day run in Manchester, CT. Yes, it is Thanksgiving day and I may ask my MIL if we can join her for dinner for once because I'm not sure I could do the run AND make sure we have dinner on the table. I will be sad to miss the Macy's parade too....

So I have been exercising for about 3.5 months with the last month or so more focused on running. I love to run. I hate getting there though. My lungs and heart are like old rusty tools...they groan to life each day, but I push on. Generally my workout goes something like this:

Pull the treadmill into position (it stays folded so the kiddos don't play on it). Plug it in. Set the incline to 10 (highest setting) and start at 3mph. Every two minutes, bring the incline down one setting (10 to 9.5, 9.5 to 9, etc.). While I bring the incline down, I set the speed higher. By the time I hit 32 minutes, I am down on the lowest setting and usually somewhere between 4.5mph & 5mph.

Today was a good day. I started more around 3.4-3.5mph and sped up as I descended. By the end I was at 5.1mph. At 34 minutes, I slowed down to 4mph and then ended up at a comfortable 4.5 for most of the last mile. Today I ended up with 43:33 for a time. That is about 3 minutes faster than my last 5k run last week. My run averaged out to be about 4.3mph. I am STOKED!

My long term goal is to maybe do a 5k in 30-35 minutes. That is a lofty goal from where I sit right now, but it doesn't seem totally out of my reach anymore. Each day gets better and better...Who would of thought that I would enjoy this? It still a struggle sometimes to fit time in for my exercise and some days, I let it slide. My weight hasn't changed a bit, but most people have told me I look better. Today I looked in the mirror and maybe saw a little glimpse of the body I used to have, but getting there will be even sweeter because it won't be done with cigarettes. Just hard work and taking care of myself.

I think I can...I think I can...

Emma Lou Who is turning 3!

Emma Elisabeth (couple of days old)

Can you believe it? My littlest girl is turning 3. Where does the time go?

These days everything is a struggle with her. She ignores direct orders, she whines, she screams and she acts like she is the ruler of the house all while opening up every single toy and leaving them strewn in all 1800+ square feet of our home.

Of course, she also thinks snuggling should be done often, she gives loads of kisses & hugs, tells us she loves us 1000x a day (doesn't matter that she adds "smell my butt" on the end of it either) and is totally cute with her infectious laugh. She is smart and loves to sing. I mean, she sings 80% of the day. Doesn't matter what. Sometimes she just makes up the songs. I love hearing her sing her ABC's. Or hearing her sing with the Casting Crowns CD in the truck when we're alone.

Emma Elisabeth 1st birthday 7-6-07


I am trying to remember that these days are short. The days where your children think you hung the moon & stars. I try to remember that I will blink my eyes and she will be heading off to her first day of school and then I'll blink again and she'll be off to college. I try very hard to remember not to wish one minute of any day away because I'll be that mom who will miss the chaos and noise. While I dream of quiet some times, I wouldn't want my home any other way. I rather like the chaos, noise, laughter & love that fills my home and I rather like the almost 3yo version of it.

Emma Elisabeth 2nd birthday 7-6-08

I wonder what the next year will hold for us and this little spitfire - our last child. I'm gonna hold on tight because no matter what, it will be quite a ride!

Love you EEK - you're definitely a keeper :)))))

Even the sunshine can't help this morning

There are very few things that make me literally want to either stick my head in the sand or crawl into a hole and die. I've overcome so many of the things that used to make me want to do those things, but there is still one thing that makes me truly scared. So scared that I just want to shut down and hide until it is safe to come out. Money troubles.

We have had money issues since the day I became a SAHM. Sometimes they have been VERY bad. Like when we lived back in Vernon I would drive my van home knowing we hadn't made a payment in awhile making sure I didn't see any tow trucks looming and drive it quickly into the garage and shut the door. Sometimes they were just a bit bad and we might not be able to pay the electricity or cable bill right away and we would carry a month. When we sold our house in Vernon we were fortunate enough to wipe our slate clean. We paid off everything we owed, were able to put 20% down on our current house AND had money left over to fix up things, buy furniture, etc. For the first couple of years, we even paid extra on our mortgage each month so we could bring the principal amount down quicker. We were doing ok up until last fall when the economy took a huge tumble and the phone stopped ringing. Literally. No work. No work equals no money. All winter I prayed we'd have enough snow to catch up. No dice. We got by, barely. Spring, I hoped we'd get caught up. Nope, still just getting by barely. This morning my home phone got shut off. Without checking with hubby, I paid it online. Went to transfer the money and there was only a 3 figure balance in the business account. OH MY GAWD. Now I had to call hubby. Which is not a good thing. Which caused him more stress when I know he is stressed to the max already.

Money problems make me sit here crying because I don't know what else to do. Money problems make me want to run into a dark hole and not come out. Money problems make my heart beat faster and my tummy sick. I feel helpless and stupid. Stupid because we did this to ourselves. We chose to have 6 kids. We chose this life. No one made us walk down this path. I feel like such a failure. I don't have a job. I can't help out - helpless. I just use up the money, but I don't help put it in the bank. I pray because that is all I can do. I pray that my hubby doesn't keel over from a heart attack because I just laid some more stress on him this morning. I pray that we can just pay our bills...just catch up. I never ever asked to be rich. I just wanted to live without this kind of worry and without second guessing all of our decisions - including the decision to have so many children. And that makes me feel guilty. I love my kiddos more than life itself, but I know things wouldn't be as difficult if we stopped at two...or four. I know having 6 was a totally selfish thing. I wanted 6. Wanted. Not needed.

I know what people say about people like us. The kind of people who are on state insurance and have so many kids. I know that many people think that we are and have been irresponsible and have no foresight. I guess maybe that is true. I think that is probably the reason why I feel so badly because the truth hurts. That is what I think too. What I was brought up to think.

This sucks. I dream of the day that I don't have to feel this way. The day I can help this household in a monetary way. The day that my hubby doesn't have to carry this load on his own. Maybe then, I will feel smart again. Maybe then I won't feel like running and hiding. Maybe one day I won't have to worry about what people think about people like me.

RSK: newest member of Dance Express' 2nd Company

Sunday morning. Father's Day. The day my beautiful & talented eldest daughter received the news that on her first try, she made 2nd Company at the dance studio she's been attending going on 9 years.

Honestly, I wasn't sure if she was good enough. I mean, I think she is AWESOME, but I don't dance. I know I love to watch her and I think she rocks being a choreographer. I do know that one full year in an arts magnet high school has improved her dance tremendously. I had numerous comments from other moms who were already inducted into the company stuff tell me that B. was funky and had awesome moves. They also told me that they had no doubt she would make 2nd Company.

Beep, beep, beep. Backing the bus up. June 8-11th was Tryout camp. I was told that this was a very important and useful tool to use before tryouts. It was a no brainer. I signed her up before we even left the recital. She spent 4 days with girls her age learning moves and practicing. She also was told to stretch. A LOT. She immediately grabbed the P90X stretching DVD and woke up each morning around 6am to get her hour worth of stretching in. The four days flew by and she told me that other girls and parents both told her how well they thought she did at camp.

Jump to June 17th. 1 and one half hour Junior competition tryout. First tryout ever. The girls stream out of the pink studio (which by the way has blinds/curtains drawn and paper over the other windows to keep people from peeking in). Sweaty, icky and tired. We get in the car and she tells me that she thinks she messed up and she wasn't confident in her performance. I told her to keep her chin up and that perhaps she'll redeem herself at 2nd company tryouts on Saturday morning.

For those not familiar, this is the hierarchy at our studio for the special dance groups: Bottom of the totem pole is Competing. Competing classes are split into three groups by age - freshman, sophomore & junior. Then comes 3rd Company (ages 9-13), 2nd Company (12-15) and top of the totem is 1st Company (13-18).

June 20th - 11:30am - Time for 2nd Co. tryouts. We get there a bit early, I fill out her form and get her number. I then manage to get her hair up into a tight bun (it weighs three hundred pounds dry and it is still wet so it weighs more) and secure it with the bun hairnet & jumbo bobby pins. She heads into the pink studio and the waiting begins. Em and I spent some time with a good friend of mine who I went to high school with. Her daughter was in 2nd company this year and so she was able to fill me in on which moms to stay away from (drama & gossip) and which moms & girls were really sweet. Finally 2 hours later, the 2nd company girls come out hot, sweaty and mostly smiling. I ask B if she feels like trying out for 1st Co. (another 20 bucks...oh well) and she immediately agrees. I run to the car, grab the checkbook, get her a 1st Co. number and in she goes for another 2 hours with nothing to eat since breakfast that morning and just a quick suck down of a bottle of Arizona Green Tea. I head home to get the boys and drive on back with some food for her because I know she'll be starving. Finally, 30 minutes late, the girls stream out of 1st Co. tryouts. More sweaty, tired yet smiling girls. Off we go with our list of classes she will need to take this summer should she make anything she has tried out for and also with the knowledge that the results would be listed on the website in the morning.

Woke up at quarter to 7 this morning. Very quietly checked the website. Still last year's results. Bummer. I tried to go back to bed, but my brain nixed that idea. I got up and started to clean up some stuff in the kitchen and also made myself some coffee. I was just finishing up, talking to J. and then B. came down stairs and asked "Have you checked the website this morning" I answer, "Of course, baby girl...results weren't up yet." To which my beautiful girl replies "Yes, they are.".... I ask her what she made, and she holds up 2 fingers! WOOOOT! 2nd Co. it is! About 15 minutes later, my phone rings and it is my old friend who is calling to congratulate my girl! Our girls have made 2nd Co. together and I know while it will likely be a WILD first time ride on the Co. train, I am SO ready to see my girl bloom some more!

This dance year will bring 3-4 more classes (picking her up at school Wed. & Thurs. will be a must so that she makes two of her required classes) and it will bring us into the world of dance competition. It will also bring us into the world of quick changes and 4 FULL days of dress rehearsal & recital as Co. dancers are in all four 2.5 - 4 hour shows. I'm sure there will be much frustration on mine & hubby's part as neither of us love to do the whole taxiing stuff especially with other kiddos in the car, but I know there will be much pride too. Pride in how hard our girl has worked for this. How much she loves dance and how it shows in everything she does. I just hope there is some sort of learning curve and happy that at least we'll each have someone (my friend & her daughter) who we can hang on to when we're not sure what to do.

Having something to say...

and not being able to say it. Can you think of any worse predicament to be in when you are talkative like me? I hate that.

I hate when there are things on my mind. I get driven to distraction. I think about things way too much. I have mock conversations in my mind where I get to do all the talking and the other party has to just sit and shut up. hahaha We all know that is just a pipe dream. I dream of saying my piece and making sure whoever is listening is going to do my bidding or a big light bulb will go off and they will see the absolute wisdom of my words. HAH. I'm so full of myself in my own little world!

I hate people who jump to conclusions. The ones that would never confront you about what they are feeling and instead think the worst and throw you under the bus. Yeah, that bugs me. If I do something to bug you, confront me about it. I've learned that while it usually has me shaking in my boots while doing it, it is far better than the alternative.

I hate when people lie. To me. To others. It doesn't matter. I hate liars. I'm not talking about those little lies that we do to spare feelings, I'm talking about the big ones. Especially the ones that hurt someone to the core just to make the liar look innocent. It really shows lack of character when someone cannot own up to their mistakes and instead blames others around them for their self made predicaments.

Lastly, I hate opportunistic people who prey on those who would give anything to someone in need at the drop of the hat. People who use others for their own gain would do better to remember that they will answer to someone higher at some point whether it be God or a form of Karma. Whatever they put out there will be given back to them 10 fold - I truly believe that.

And because I hate negative blogs...I'll leave you with some positives.

I love my friends (which I'm sure you already knew, but it bears repeating). I seriously think I have the BEST friends on the planet! No, I actually *know* I do!

I love chocolate. Lately I prefer German milk chocolate w/almonds. Yeah - sorry, Hershey. You've been replaced. Of course, I'll always be a fan of Lindt & Ghirardelli dark chocolate.

I love my kids. They are their own brand of nutty and loud, but they are mine and I know beyond a doubt how blessed I am to have them (even when I am looking for takers).

I love my husband. He's seen it all and yet he still comes home each night after work. He's awesome - just don't tell him I said so!

Today is the day.

How I dread this day each year. In fact, I don't know any woman that actually wants to go to her annual gyn exam. I did a major "grooming overhaul" the other day, but will still have to tidy up in the shower today. Thankfully the hubster said that he would do his best to make it home for E & D. E is too young to leave alone in a waiting room and the thought of having a child with me while I am in the "pose" is horrifying. D is at school and I'm not sure I'll make it home on time for his bus. Oddly enough, I also had a dentist appointment scheduled. I decided that I would change that. It means I have to take an extra trip back into civilization next week, but it may be a child free visit.

My stomach has been in knots all morning. The scale is forever where it seems it will stay despite the continuing exercise efforts. I hope beyond hope that my blood pressure will be better. March. I've been exercising almost daily since mid-March. I started exercising after being so sick for what seemed like months. Once I saw the GP and my BP was a bit high, it hit me that things weren't just going to get better. Once I felt like myself (once the meds kicked the left over bronchitis & rotten sinus infection in the pants), I decided to dust off the treadmill and the beginner's pilates DVD. I rotated between the two each day and then one day I decided to do both. I did that for over a month and also added in hand weights for arm exercises during my cool down on the treadmill. 3 months of exercise. No huge improvements that I can see except I know I'm better even if just a tiny bit.

What the heck else can I do? I guess I could cut all sweets out of my diet, but I know I can't. Why? I don't want to. I like food. I like good food. I cook as healthy as possible, but I'm not going to give up sweets. Last night I logged another 2+ miles on the treadmill because I was so cranky and stressed with misbehaving children. I wasn't going to push myself - said I was just going to do a leisurely stroll. Hahahaha I am competitive even with myself. While I didn't come even near my all time best, I didn't slack off either. Truth be told, I felt better after. I think maybe doing a couple miles each night couldn't hurt. I mean, that means I'll be burning about 700 calories with exercise per day. Maybe that will make the scale move....?

Off to tread for this morning. Important to making sure my BP is ok. Although I think that my case of nerves are going to spike it up anyway. Gah. Well, at least I might get a prescription for the UTI that I've seemed to come down with, right?! Gotta stay positive....

UPDATE! My exam went well. The scale was not nice, but my NP said that the fact that I've lost some inches and that my BP is perfect is reason to be happy. She said to just keep doing what I'm doing (and to fuel my body better during the daytime hours to help my metabolism keep spinning). I'm beyond happy. No seriously. I could do a freakin' jig!
As a side note, I also am a candidate for a sling for my bladder and when I'm able to have 6-8 weeks of no lifting (read that as Emma is better at pottying herself), I can make the appt. to discuss the procedure & get it in the works! WOOOHOOO!

Just another Tricky Tuesday

The lack of crickets from my last post is pretty heartwarming to say the least. The fact that I've had hits from people I don't even know makes me feel a bit weird because it was such a personal post, but it's ok because I think I probably touched on something that everyone has felt at one time or another. At least I'd like to think that so I don't feel like such a nut! hahaha :oP

I am putting off the exercise this morning even though I really shouldn't be. I've been more lax about it although still averaging 4-5x per week. I'm getting very discouraged with the lack of progress not only in my endurance, but the lack of the downward motion of the scale. The only thing I have to look forward to is my annual gyn exam on Thursday morning. I will be seeing the NP (as I choose to see her over the Dr.) and plan on discussing what is going on. I have the feeling that a full physical with my GP will be in order. Haven't had a full physical since the summer after David was born (2004). I do hope beyond hope that my blood pressure is lower. Just hoping that I have at least THAT going for me. I do have a goal to run a 5K with a good friend of mine maybe this fall. I never thought I would ever want to be a runner, but there is something soothing about it. Stress seems to melt away so quickly. Fingers crossed that I can get all the medical crap sorted out so that I can meet my goal!

The kids are doing well. Em has been asking to dance every day since recital. Yep. Think she has definitely been bitten by the dance bug. Now I can only hope that she makes it into afternoon pre-k so that she can do the same dance class next year.

On the topic of dance, Bec has started her pre-tryout dance camp. It will run until Thursday and then next Thursday she will have competition tryouts and next Saturday she will have Company tryouts. I hope she isn't disappointed. I will say that I admire her drive about dance. After talking to so many competition/company parents, the main thing I learned was that she needs to stretch really well every day so that she is super limber for tryouts. Every day since Saturday she has been using the P90X stretching DVD (one hour of stretching). She wakes up each day about an hour before she usually would and stretches. Yeah, I'm proud of her. Whatever happens, I know she'll try her best and that is what is the most important.

The boys are all doing well. Jerm has a couple more weeks of coaching T-Ball. He said that he thinks he would have preferred boys that were a bit older. Maybe next year he'll coach a team that Thomas is on. Thomas is so eager to please his older brother that I think it would work out well. Daniel is excited about doing soccer in the fall and I even asked David if he was interested as they have instructional league at the park in town for 5-6 Saturdays in the fall. He said yes and then said no. I'll ask again for sure. A busy kid is one that doesn't get into trouble! ;)

Now we are all just waiting on the last day of school. I am ready. Mornings just get harder and harder to get up. I want to sleep until 8am a couple of days in row already! Of course, this means that my food bill will go up probably quite a bit, but I guess there has to be a trade off. I spent just over $600 at Sams over the weekend and I am guessing that MIGHT get us a month, but probably not. In my defense, I spent almost a thousand the last time I was there and I made it last for almost 2 months. Of course this is with regular visits to the grocery store for fresh fruits & veggies, bread and for cereal which we go through almost as quickly as milk! Someday I am going to keep track of exactly what we spend on food in one month's time. I'm almost positive that it is about what we pay in mortgage payments on the house! :oP

Coffee is gone now - better be off to pursue my personal goal...wish me luck!

Nut job

I sit here and wonder if my friends realize how enamored I am of them and wonder if they know how I worry about each thing I say and what I do and how I react. I try to keep myself in check because I don't want to be scaring them off. I'm so afraid that is what I'll do in the end. I'm afraid that I'm never going to be funny enough, smart enough, witty enough, normal enough and one day they'll wake up and wonder how the hell they ever got involved with a nut job like me.

It's quite silly, really, when I think about it rationally, but then again, when I get this emotional, all rationality goes right out the window. I mean, my hubby married me and is still married to me and he's a pretty normal guy. He probably knows more about me than I do at this point. He knows how I worry about fitting in with people and yet, he still loves me and, for the most part, likes to be with me.

He also knows how very, very sad I am about not being able to make the next meet up. How some days I feel so disconnected from my friends and how envious I am of all the fun that will happen and I won't be able to be a part of it. Sometimes I even feel like the *new* people are taking something that feels like just mine. Again, rationally that is just crap, but I'm just so afraid that other people will take my place and I won't have a place in the group anymore. That a light bulb will go off for the collective LFFs and they'll wonder how they ever let a crack job like me into their group.

I'm seriously just so tired of worrying. It makes me irritable and cranky. I take my mostly hidden feelings out on everyone around me by being bitchy instead of just owning up to how scared I am. Of how utterly and completely scared I am to lose my friends. So yeah, there it is. Warts and all.

Exercise, the weekend and prom pics, oh my!

This weather is sucking the life right out of me. Going on day 3 of rain. Blech. I wanna crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head.

This weekend will be super busy with recital, but I am hoping that I can exercise at least Saturday. For those readers not connected with my Facebook page, I did indeed make 2.013 miles in 30 minutes the day after my last blog. I did, however, wheeze like the dickens after I was done and I am considering making an appt. with my GP. I seriously think I have some sort of exercise induced asthma. After 2.5 months of almost daily exercising, I would like to think that my lungs would be better conditioned than they are. Slow & steady on the exercising though. I'm proud of myself for keeping it up even when I let it go for a few days. It's funny because I find that I get the urge to exercise now even sometimes after I've already exercised. Perhaps it won't always feel like work?! One can only hope.

On other fronts, my eldest attended Jr. prom last weekend. He looked very handsome in his tux and he said he had an awesome time. He surprised me by dancing the night away. I'm SO glad because he can be so shy and reserved. He then went camping with his girlfriend and her family for the weekend in Rhode Island. He had a good time until the very end when he found out that his girlfriend's parents think he doesn't "help her" enough. Apparently they felt the need to discuss this among their friends as well. One friend works for a neighboring town and does business with my husband. NICE. As my hubby's sister said, "Have they met their daughter?"

A. is so independent. She has even gone as far as telling J. that if she says she can do something to let her do it. So he does. And then gets slammed because he's not "helping her". Grrrrrr. To say that I wanted to give them a piece of my mind was an understatement. I told him that he wasn't going ANYWHERE with them again. Nowhere. I know my son is not perfect and I'd be the first one to get on his case for being rude, but he is nothing if not totally polite and helpful. If someone asked him to help out, he'd do it willingly. They assumed that he didn't want to help his girlfriend and ended up making asses out of themselves and hurting his feelings. He then fought w/A. the rest of the afternoon because she was angry he talked to his father and I about it. He told her just because she had a crappy relationship with her parents didn't mean he couldn't have a good one with his. I have to admit I was happy he said that and I am even more pleased that he feels comfortable enough to talk to us when he doesn't quite know what to do. Isn't that what parents are for? To help guide when asked (or even not asked sometimes....)?

Well, better get going and get my exercising in before the little boy comes home from school. Poor boy has a field trip to the dairy barns up at UCONN this morning and the rain is pouring down. He was so cute though. He told us he had to wear his rain boots in case there was poop there. Hopefully they will be inside and not out in the rain and I also hope that they might get to visit the dairy bar and get some homemade UCONN ice cream. It's some of the best CT has to offer.
A quick hug when we got to A.'s parents' house.

Pretending to know how to pin a boutonniere on. I ended up pinning it on his lapel after!

A.'s mom had a bunch of poses she wanted them in. I just stayed in the background and snapped a few. Personally, I like the ones I took near the garage because they are candid (and they looked happier...lol)

Personal best!

I had to write it down because I was so stinkin' proud of myself. 1.75 miles in 28 minutes. I jogged for the first 12 minutes and then slowed up while I put the incline up to the highest setting - gradually bringing it down from 10 to 8. Then I jogged again for the last 5 minutes. My goal is to work up to a full two miles in 30 minutes. I am almost there...almost.

May 20, 1930

That was the day my Dad was born. I wonder if the day was sunny & warm like it is today or if the air smelled like blooming lilacs like it does today. I wonder what my Dad's older siblings thought of him and wonder if they missed their Mom since I'm sure her hospital stay was at least a week.

My Dad was born in Manchester, CT during the Depression. He was the the 2nd born son and also had two older sisters. He and his siblings (which eventually numbered 7) lived in a 3 bedroom cape style home on Spring Street in Glastonbury, CT. The house is precariously close to Route 2 now, but before the highway went in, it was all fields that one of my aunts used to walk the cows across. I know the boys shared a bed because my father once told me that he had gotten in trouble and switched places with one of his younger brothers so that they would get the spanking when their Dad got home. It did work, the other brother got the spanking although I'm pretty sure my Dad got one too once my grandfather realized what had happened. My father also worked on a farm as a young boy. He, ironically, drove my grandfather to his first AA meeting at the ripe age of 12. I don't know much more about his childhood. He didn't really share that much. He was dutiful to his parents although we weren't close to them as children. My grandfather died in May of 1976. I remember the day he was buried because it snowed. My grandmother died on her 76th birthday in July 1986. My father died on Pearl Harbor Day (December 7th) in 2006. We buried him on a cold, gray day (December 9th) while a bagpipe played. I thought I had cried every tear I had that day, but apparently I still have plenty left.

My Dad and I shared a birthday month with my birthday being 4 days before his. He often teased me that I should have waited the extra 4 days, but he always told me I was a terrific 40th birthday present. I know my Dad loved me. Despite the alcoholism and meanness that could come out of his mouth during drunken rants, he always treasured me and was proud of me. I was his favorite. There wasn't much out there that I couldn't have if I asked.

While meeting with a minister before his funeral she had told all of us (my siblings and I) that if we had anything to say that we should take the time to say it during his funeral service because that would really be the last time we could. She told us that she thought it was a good way to start getting some closure over the loss. The following is the piece that I wrote and read at my father's funeral through more tears than I care to remember. While I was sobbing through much of it, so were the people who loved and knew my Dad.

Dear Dad,

I'd like to think that I took care of mourning you when you stopped remembering my name, but it hit me all of a sudden that I didn't. Your passing has, instead, reminded me of all the things I miss most.

When I teach my kids the pizza pie song or teach them about the peepers on a warm spring night, thoughts of my own childhood always come flooding back.
I remember all the silly games and songs you played with me and the weekend trips to Aetna where you would work and I would have the run of the place. Oh and the vaults...remember? "Diana, put your hands in your pockets and don't touch a thing!" I wonder if I am still the only kid who was ever in those vaults...
I remember when I was in elementary school, I could always count on a bowl of hot oatmeal and that I didn't have to ride the bus to school because you would drive me every day. I had fibbed and said that riding the bus gave me a headache.

I remember our Saturday trips to the cleaners to pick up your shirts and all the other "Saturday" errands. I don't think I missed many of those Saturdays. I always thought of it as my time with my Dad.

I remember my rebellious teenage years and now that I'm a parent, I realize how much pain I must have put you through, although you never let on. Instead, you chose to always be there when I was ready to talk. I didn't say it then, but your opinion meant a lot to me and has shaped who I am today.

How many times I have wished to call you and tell you about something my own children have done...
About Jeremy's love of baseball and how he yells at the TV during sports like you used to, Rebecca's love of dance and music and how much pride I feel when I watch her perform, Thomas' sweet demeanor and loving spirit, Daniel's zaniness and his absolute love for life, David James' dictator like attitude...I know for sure that he has Bill Cone in him, and lastly, Emma's sweet smile which can light up a room (and a parents' heart) no matter what is going on.
I wish all my kids could have gotten to know you, but for the ones who never did, they will have to know you through my own dear memories.

Dad, I know you are in a better place and the jail that your body had become to your spirit is now lifted. I hope your first Christmas in heaven is well spent. Say hello to all the people I've already said goodbye to, would you? I know that they will rejoice at having you there even though those still here mourn your passing. I'll see you again someday. I'm glad you aren't suffering anymore.

Love always,
Your Daughter, Diana

Good measure?

Nah, not really.

I took the advice of a dear friend and measured myself last month. Yesterday was the day that I brought the measuring tape out again. I managed to lose 1.5" except not where I really wanted to. D'oh!

I lost 1/2" on each thigh and just over an inch on my bust line. I gained in my waist, but AF hasn't arrived yet so when she does, I'll re-measure. I'm hoping that's bloat. Yep. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. As far as the scale, I have not been able to get lower than 158 and fluctuate as high as 163 (although that was after this weekend which included LOTS of food and very little exercise). I am hoping that this next month shows better progress with the measuring.

On another front, I planted most of the garden yesterday. I have 42 tomato plants left. Um, I think I over did it? lol We have some topsoil left from a tri-axle dump a month or so ago, so I am going to plant some in pots and leave them in the garden area (within the deer fence). I hope we have armloads of tomatoes. Nothing at all beats a homegrown garden tomato. I also will have to plant the herbs in buckets as there will be no room left once I'm done with the veggies. I still have more radishes, more sunflowers (I may plant the sunflowers up near the house or along the circular drive in a bed or two), turnips, peppers, 2 kinds of cukes and zucchini.

Obviously from the pain I feel this morning, I worked some muscles I didn't even know I had! I am moving like a snail and if I don't start to get the kinks out soon, I think a couple of Advil liquigels will be advisable. Sigh. Did I mention that today is dance class? And that I will have to stretch. And dance. Gotta love "Mommy & Me" classes. If Chris wasn't so busy, I'd ask him to be the Mommy for the day. There have been lots of Daddies in class over the course of the the past 9 months. Perhaps I'll go easy on the tread this morning since I have to face the garden again today after lunch. I will say that being busy certainly cuts down on the stuffing your face phenomenon. I ate 3 square meals and had just two pieces of German chocolate w/hazelnuts after dinner last night.

Off to coffee, breakfast & tread although the way this morning is going, I see a nap in Em's near future so dance may be off....

The Birthday Weekend

You've all been waiting with bated breath, haven't you? Hah! ;)

I awoke Saturday to sunshine (which we all know makes everything better) and I decided that I wasn't going to worry about my weight or exercise or food for the rest of the weekend. I was taking the next two days off and I wasn't going to feel guilty about it. Trust me, I didn't feel guilty about ANYTHING and today I jumped on the treadmill with maybe not *enthusiasm*, but without dread either.

We got on the road around 3:30p armed with J's Garmin and the hotel address plugged in. I actually dressed in something other than jeans and a hoodie which you know is my usual garb. Nothing terribly fancy, but it did involve heeled sandals and one of my most favorite dressy shirts. :oP

We got stuck on the Pike in the "cash only" lanes at the last exit. Let's just say that the first thing I did when I got home yesterday was to order a Fast Lane pass. I am hoping that my trips on the Pike are more plentiful this coming summer as I have dear friends in the Boston area that I would very much like to see on a more regular basis! You all know who you are! Natick for lunch anyone? Heck, I'll invite myself to Watertown if I have to....

When we exited out of the tunnel at Government Center/Faneuil Hall, I could see S & J waving to us from the balcony of the hotel we were staying at. How lovely was that?! We pulled into the porte-cochere of the hotel, paid the parking fee and left the keys with the valet. S & J brought us up to our room (which also had a wonderful flowered balcony). I think my chin dragged on the floor at the whole sight of it.

The bathroom was, to me, the most marvelous part. It was a fully tiled walk in shower that was bigger than a regular tub space. It had a rain water type spout along with a handheld spout and both could be on at once. I, of course, being the raucous type of girl I am, commented on it being a good shower for sex. (I don't know why we have 6 children....) The bathroom vanity was a rich dark wood with a bottom shelf that held thick, fluffy white towels and it was all enclosed by an opaque pocket door. Just outside the bathroom there was a vanity area and closet (which held a white, fluffy, thick bathrobe, I might add). The bathroom was luxurious and something I would love to have in my own home for sure. It felt like I was at a spa (but where the heck was the facial and massage, I wonder?)

The rest of the room was ok. The bed was comfy with lots of pillows and the TV was a large flat screen that sat on a armoire which held the way overpriced mini bar. The bathroom and balcony were definitely the highlights for me.

While chatting with S & J, S handed me a homemade card from her daughter, M. It was made with yummy smelly markers and I was in heaven. M is known for her awesome crafting/drawing ability and anyone who thinks I'm a rock star with pink hair is pretty awesome in my book!!!

S also gave me another card which ended up being from one of my besties, J. She had wrote a poem for me that made me cry. There are not any words to describe how much I love her back and one of the best things about Saturday was that she took time out to call me and wish me a happy birthday. She is one of the best...truly. My life is better for knowing her and I told the hubster later on that we definitely needed to plan a trip to Toronto as a family.

S then gave me a box and another card. This was from her and J and in the box was a very pretty silver bracelet with pretty & interesting beads. My SIL and MIL told me yesterday that if I ever got tired of it, they'd love to take it off my hands! :) The best part? S bought herself one too! We matched :)))))) YAY! There was also a hot pink Birthday Girl crown that I wore happily until after dinner when it really started to pinch my head. I have a feeling my girls will be fighting over wearing it on their birthdays as well. ;)

We parted ways w/S & J and the hubster and I changed into our dinner wear. The four of us decided to grab a drink before heading out to dinner. We actually sat at the fake Cheers at Faneuil Hall although it did bring back lots of lovely memories of June '08 and the first meet up of the LFFs. S and I pointed out to our hubbies where J. and I got lost (me lost with hot pink hair - go figure) and took lots of fun pictures with the Cheers cut-outs in the basement. It was apparent that it wasn't as funny to them as it was to us. Good memories of chugging $12 glasses of wine and the Croc store too. It seems like a lifetime ago....

We headed onto Hanover St and met C, B, R & baby S. There were pictures and gifts and laughs and a cute baby (who for the record was UBER good) and more pictures. After dinner there was a short walk and a slight wait for the cannoli. MMMMMMM....well worth the wait at Mike's Pastry. Did I ever mention how much I *LOVE* cannolis? I would probably knock down an old lady for one if it were the last one on earth. Yep. That is how much I love them.

Funny side story - long line at Mike's. Guys get into line and soon disappear into Mike's. J and the hubster finally emerge and the hubster is laughing because apparently J has loudly commented on the way out that he is so glad that they got the last 4 cannolis. Waiting customers - not laughing. Nope. ;)

We said our goodbyes to C, B, R and baby S and headed back to our hotel for a quick pit stop. We visited some bars and had a round or two in each. After closing down Todd English's restaurant bar, we hit the sausage street vendors and there were a few to choose from all within a hundred feet of each other. So there we were, four well dressed adults scarfing down a sausage in a bun topped with lots of peppers & onions. After drinking beer all night, it did seem rather fitting!

The next morning hubby gently woke me a bit after 8 (ahhhh, sleep). I generally do not sleep well in hotel rooms, but I was out like a light! We took our time getting up, showering and then grabbed a coffee at the Dunks next door. We headed into the lobby to wait for S & J and then we went to breakfast in the restaurant attached to the hotel. After that we retrieved our bags, checked out and headed home. The hubster and I toyed with stopping in Wrentham, but both decided we'd just go home. The kids did GREAT! Both the ones who stayed home and the ones who stayed at the ILs.

Around 3p we headed over to the ILs for a family get together with pizza & Dairy Queen ice cream cake. OMGOSH...YUM! Way better than Carvel. I opened my gifts and cards and enjoyed my time with everyone (although I was pretty tired by the end of the night). The stainless steel mandolin and the iPod docking station were the gifts from hubby and the kids and I was pleasantly surprised. I now have a way to listen to my music without the ear buds and it should make cleaning MUCH more fun! I also will be able to make potato au gratin a bit quicker and my potatoes will def. be more uniformly cut! My ILs gave me a hundred bucks to blow on myself (Wrentham anyone?) and my SIL and I are planning a trip to Whole Foods (LOVE that place) and lunch (her treat) so that is also very cool. I was more than thoroughly spoiled with everything by everyone!

While the birthday was everything I had hoped and more, I will say that when reality set in today, it was almost too much to handle. The best thing is that I know we will be doing it again and I'm guessing sooner rather than later. While the hubster is not a city lover, he even had to agree that Boston was "pretty cool". :)))))))