It's been awhile

It's been a long while. I haven't had the energy or mind to blog lately. The summer seemed to sweep by taking me along for the ride. I spend too much time on this darn computer anyway most days.

Today I feel sad. Not really weepy although it may come to that (note to readers: it came while I typed). I know that AF will be making her appearance soon so I'm sure that has something to do with my melancholy way. Not only do I feel sad, but I feel tired and not the tired that will be cured by taking a nap or getting a better night's rest. My soul is tired.

The last week has been a whirlwind. Dance started in full force right after Labor Day. That along with school open houses and keeping a routine was killer. On Friday morning I woke up, got the kids on the bus, grabbed my coffee and headed to facebook as always and found out that my godfather had passed away. My sister had tried to call the night before, but I wasn't home and her number comes up "unavailable" on the caller id so Jeremy didn't pick it up.

I wasn't close with my godfather although he and his family were always regarded as close friends of our family. My parents were very close with them before I was born and until we moved to Tolland and my parents got divorced. On a couple occasions I remember visiting their home with my Dad, but for all intents & purposes, the relationship was not the same after our move. The last time I saw him was 2.5 years ago when my own father passed away.

I attended the wake with Chris - bless his soul. I was surprised that the whole family remembered me AND remembered that he was my godfather. That was the first thing his wife said to me when I introduced myself (let's face it - it's been about 30 years since I've seen her. I have changed a little bit.) After attending the wake, Chris dropped me off at a high school friend's house where we had a girls' night get together. I drank 5 or 6 cosmos, gossiped and ate yummy food. That was the highest part of my weekend, I think.

On Saturday I watched the (ex)babysitter for my kiddos get married, but felt so uncomfortable around the friends and family gathered there. My heart was not feeling the joy it should have been. I was happy for them, don't get me wrong, but in the very depths of my soul, there just wasn't the joy that should have been there. This feeling carried over to Sunday morning when I had to attend church. I did not want to go. I do not want to go anymore. I don't know why, but it isn't joyful to be there. I just want to run away and not live next door. I miss Peter more than anything. I wonder why I can't close that chapter. It's been a year since he died and we are searching for a new pastor. Nothing feels right.

After church, I came home to bake a nectarine & apple cobbler for the Oktoberfest going on across the street at the neighbors' house. This ended up being the other highlight of my weekend. I mean, who doesn't like to see grown men in lederhosen? Our German neighbors are probably the best thing that's happened since we moved here 4 years ago. I love them and they love us. They had good Bavarian beer, pretzels, sausage, potato salad and a variety of other yummy food.

While I was in the kitchen preparing & baking the cobbler, the phone rang. First Chris' cell and then the house phone. Once we found the house phone and realized that Ed & Trish called, Chris took his cell and called back. I have seen my husband cry only once in the almost 23 years we've been together. This was back in 1989 when he left me in CT to work & live on Cape Cod. We were married months later (moved up our wedding) because we hated to be away from each other. Now I've seen him cry twice. His very dear friend (and Jeremy's godfather) passed away suddenly on Saturday from a massive heart attack. The regret I saw in my husband's face & tears was so evident that my heart hurt. You see, we've both been lax about keeping in touch. Ed was like a 2nd Dad to Chris. He started doing yard work for them when he was 14yo. They have no children, but I know they felt as if Chris was the son they never had. Regret will eat you up if you let it yet I know how Chris is feeling. I know the anguish of losing someone who was part of the glue in your life. This is the first time Chris has lost someone like this. He has lost two grandparents, but somehow while that is an awful feeling, it doesn't hit home the way a parent or parent type figure does. During all this, Thomas' friend came to pick him up for a playdate and the mom shared with me that her mother in law is actively dying. They had seen her that morning and she had shared with them that she was "so scared". How does someone make peace with dying? It's coming for us all.

My heart aches. It aches for Chris. It aches for Jeremy who is mourning the loss of his godfather and his first love. It aches for Thomas' friend's family. It aches for myself. I'm tired of losing and watching other people lose loved ones. I don't want to be the adult although I know time marches on and I have no choice. I want to know the secret of how you make things stop hurting so badly and I don't want my own children to feel this. It is such a helpless situation, I'm afraid. The only thing I can do is go forward. I can't change the things that are unchangeable. I can't keep my family & friends in a bubble. For all the hurt and pain you deal with in life, I have to admit that there is joy & happiness in equal measure. You can't have one without the other. All I need right now is some peace. Peace in knowing that things will be brighter. That I can keep putting one foot in front of another and do what needs to be done. That I can be a good influence on my kids and the people around me because honestly, right now, I'm not feeling good at all. All I feel is empty.