Vagueblogging at its best

Have you ever had the feeling that someone was purposefully trying to keep you out, but allowing you to remain on the fringes so that it didn't look like they were trying to get rid of you?

Ah, such is life. My hubby said that things don't bother him because he only gives energy to those people he actually cares about. He told me to focus my energy on the people that I would mourn if they walked out of my life. He's really good about getting above the BS. One of the many things I love about him.

I've been hangin' with a sick number 5 this week. Fever & cough. Just treating the fever and giving benedryl since the cough seems to be a nasal drip type. Perhaps a viral thing with some allergies....If the fever doesn't break today, I may take him in to the doc tomorrow so that they can take a quick listen to his lungs. I hate trying to get an appt. on the weekends and I never know who is on call.

Also waiting on a call from my sister. About my mom. Doesn't sound good. I am stressing over it and hoping that it is something that can be taken care of with little help because my brother is already dealing with a mother in law with stage 4 breast cancer that has metastasized into her spine...I cannot imagine what my sister in law is going through and my heart breaks for her.

My mother has Alzheimer's. Her Alzheimer's was brought on, in my opinion, by a GP who put her on two types of antidepressants at once (one being Prozac). She went into a stupor and never recovered. Do I think she would have had Alzheimer's anyway? Yep. My grandmother did too. I would venture to guess that it is in my future too. Anyway, her meds don't seem to be working as well anymore and for a good while, my stepfather had convinced her that they were "too expensive" so she stopped getting them. And this was while he was busy writing checks to his daughter and son in law for thousands of dollars. But no, the $200/month pills were just TOO expensive. Asshole. Yet, there she is trying to take care of him. She can't even take care of herself anymore and I am guessing that they are at the end of living on their own. I am angry that my mother has allowed her life to be swallowed up by a man who has taken every good minute of her life and turned it into serving him AND I am angry at my mother for allowing it.

I have never been close to my mom. She left my father when I was 5. They were divorced by the time I was 6. I woke up one morning and she was gone. No explanations. Nothing. Do I think she should have left my father? Absolutely. Do I think she did it in a totally selfish way? Yep. Maybe I haven't forgiven her after all these years. I will say that having children, I cannot even imagine EVER leaving them. You would have to pry my cold dead hands off the door frame before I would leave them like she left me. Perhaps my forgiveness will never go to the depths it has to for healing. I do not know.

So now I wait. The bad daughter. The one who is so caught up in her own life that her mother is on the peripheral. I own it. I just don't know how to change it and I think really that I must not want to since I haven't. Maybe I just need to own that ugly bit too. Hah...I can see the irony of where this blog started and where it has ended.

Karma certainly is a bitch, isn't it?

"Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare

Truer words were never spoken as I've realized over the last couple of days.

I am, by nature, a private person. I do not like to share any of my unhappy parts with others. I do not know why this is, but it is indeed the way I am. Perhaps it has something to do with the terror of being disliked or ridiculed that I've carried for so many years. I wonder if maybe even most of us have this sense although in various degrees.

I decided to step out on a limb yesterday after reading the quote on a FB friend's wall. It was scary. Scarier than riding up the side of Mt. Washington in my truck on a barely 2 car wide road without guard rails. (Just so you know, just the thought of that particular trip while on vacation this year is enough to make me want to vomit - still.) I took a leap of faith and shared some very personal feelings with people I trust the most. I took the wall down and I am happy to say that I am still alive. In fact, once the wall came down and I shared my deepest hurts with them, I felt healing almost immediately. The well of my heart started to fill again.

I am still someone who wants to hurt in private, but the feeling that I shared and these people still love me...dare I say maybe even more...is like a breeze blowing away clouds and for that, I am ever grateful.