Why I don't Facebook anymore

It's been such a long time and things have changed.  Don't they always?!  Silly me for always being surprised!

I stopped facebooking over a year ago.  One day I had just had enough of a certain person's "look at me" posts and shut down my account.  I took the apps off my phone and ipad and swore I would never go back.  I had numerous family & friends tell me to ignore/block/delete the person and come back to Facebook, but I held my ground.  That's not to say I didn't think of coming back.  I did.  I had marvelous plots in my head about how I could get around *that* person, but then I would think it just really wasn't worth it.

I miss my friends the most.  The friends that I met on babyzone over 10 years ago and then have met numerous times in person.  I miss my friend, H, from England.  I miss my friends, J & J, from Canada.  Heck, I miss my friend, C, from Boston and, gosh, there are just too many to count.  Our lives have changed so much over the last 10 years, but the reasons for me to love them hasn't.  

I did reactivate my account.  I have pics that I need to get because I had my hard drive crash on my laptop.  I have lurked once or twice in the last few months, but really, I still find my blood boil when I see *that* person liking everything on FB and still being "look at me...I'm so awesome".  Honestly, while the problem is definitely my own, I find no way around it, but to give up FB.  I emailed/texted some friends today.  Just to let them know I missed them and was thinking of them.  Not the same as getting daily snippets of their life, but really all I am able to have in good conscience it seems.

I can't say that I have really missed FB.  I find that it becomes an addiction for most people I know, myself included.  I also read an article lately about narcissism and how it relates to social media.  I don't want to be narcissistic.  I don't want to live under the false assumption that 500 people care that much about what I do, say or think each day.  My friends might care, but there are other channels to reach out to them and family as well.  I think I need to search and use those ways.

In the mean time, I'm going to get on with the retrieving of my pictures and then be done with FB for good.  Hopefully, my friends will still know where to find me.

Odd man out

Yep. That's me. I'm so tired of trying to fit in that I've decided to embrace not fitting in. As my sister says, "This is me. This is who I am." You can take me or leave me, but I am not going to feel badly.

I've decided that I'm going to focus on those people who like me and want to be with me. If you have problems with me and you can't be adult enough to speak to me then you are left with what you should be. Bitterness, anger, resentment - whatever. I've been on that side too. That's not a healthy place. Saying what is on your mind does not need to be rude although it is usually confrontational and uncomfortable. Most people do not like that, but the aftermath...the cleanse...is what makes it worth it.

I cannot make everyone happy. I cannot read minds. I will NOT feel guilty for either of these things because it is not my job. And believe me, as a mom, I feel enough guilt for things that are far more important.

I am not perfect. Far from it. But I have a heart and feelings and when someone makes it abundantly clear that I'm not important in their world, that hurts. I am forever trying to do the right thing and be the best person I can be, but sometimes I might have an off day...or hell an off three months. Here are my shoes, remember?

So yeah, I'm thankful for my friends, my family - those who know I am not perfect yet love me anyway and still see something in me that makes it worth having a relationship with me. Those are the people I am focusing on from now on because I have to believe that there is *something* good and worthwhile inside of me.

"Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare

Truer words were never spoken as I've realized over the last couple of days.

I am, by nature, a private person. I do not like to share any of my unhappy parts with others. I do not know why this is, but it is indeed the way I am. Perhaps it has something to do with the terror of being disliked or ridiculed that I've carried for so many years. I wonder if maybe even most of us have this sense although in various degrees.

I decided to step out on a limb yesterday after reading the quote on a FB friend's wall. It was scary. Scarier than riding up the side of Mt. Washington in my truck on a barely 2 car wide road without guard rails. (Just so you know, just the thought of that particular trip while on vacation this year is enough to make me want to vomit - still.) I took a leap of faith and shared some very personal feelings with people I trust the most. I took the wall down and I am happy to say that I am still alive. In fact, once the wall came down and I shared my deepest hurts with them, I felt healing almost immediately. The well of my heart started to fill again.

I am still someone who wants to hurt in private, but the feeling that I shared and these people still love me...dare I say maybe even more...is like a breeze blowing away clouds and for that, I am ever grateful.

Goodybe to you /chop, chop/

So I received an inbox message on FB today. It explained how a group I was part of was deleting people based on their lack of posting/responses "due to the private nature" of the posts in the group. My immediate thought was, "Oh yeah - I haven't seen anything about that group come up in my newsfeed for quite some time". So I clicked on the Group and was immediately sent to my homepage. I tried seeing if it was part of my groups, etc. and found nothing so I'm pretty sure my lack of posting earned me the ol' axe-a-roo.

Honestly, I was a bit upset at first. I have "known" many of these women for years. How could I be axed? And then I thought, "Who really cares?!". And I don't mean to sound prideful or like I am better than anyone. I think it just dawned on me that the internet is not my main source of friendship anymore. I don't need that interaction like I used to. I have made some of my best friends because of the internet, but that particular group obviously wasn't high on my priority list and that being said, my lack of interest made me not very high on the group's priority list. I know I could have myself "reinstated" if I wanted, but I don't think I do. So yeah, go me for not running with my knee jerk reaction. I think I must be growing up. :)

It comes down to not having control, I think.

I've been a bit silent the last few weeks since number one's 18th birthday. During this time I've been having a hard time digesting some stuff about number one, found out that a high school classmate of mine was one of the 7 CIA officials killed by a suicide bomber in Afghanistan and learned about some other troubling "extended family" news.

I've wanted to blog about everything, but my thoughts are so jumbled. As far as number one goes, there are days I want to throttle that boy and send him away from this house to go live on his own (that would teach him how good he has it here, right?). Right now, that is where my head is. I know that he is going through an issue that basically will decide whether he has a future in the USMC and it is weighing heavily on him. I've told him that he shouldn't worry about something until it happens, but also that he should start formulating a back up plan should the USMC become a non-issue. Most of you know that I would be beyond happy that Uncle Sam would not "own" my boy for the next 8 years, however, I know this will break his heart. Tough stuff for a Mom - neither thing will make me happy. Anyway, I am trying to choose my battles lately, but truth be told, I just don't have the energy to fight with him. He is Mr. Button Pusher in the flesh and my heart & brain are not in a good enough place to go head to head with him. So I seethe because I can't find a way to say what needs to be said without starting a war. Good times for us both, I guess. He also shared with us that he has picked up smoking. His Dad and I are just beyond sad and angry with him. So stupid on SO many levels. I'll just leave it at that....

Sad. That pretty much describes my week after learning about S.R.'s death in Afghanistan from another HS friend. The news flashes his picture over and over and over again and every time it takes my breath away and makes me so incredibly sad especially since he had made clear that he was ready to settle down and was anticipating the birth of his first child, a daughter. I didn't hang out with S. in high school. I didn't party with S. We ran in absolutely different circles, but our town was so small and most of us had gone to school with each other since Kindy that you "knew" everyone. I saw S. at my 20th reunion a year ago this past October. I have been straining my head wondering if I even said anything to him (I had been working the front table for awhile). Honestly, I probably had a bit of "high school-itis" which kept me from speaking to some people. I'm ok in little groups, but my worries about being "normal" in large groups still take over sometimes. Being Feeling like an outsider still rears its ugly head despite my best efforts to keep it at bay. Anyway, I did take some pictures of him talking as I was the "camera" girl all night. I wish I could go back and do that evening all over again. I would have talked to him and asked about his life since THS and likely would have met his wife too. Unfortunately, now I can only send on my two sympathy cards and hold on to my regrets.

The family issue isn't one I can speak about freely so I won't on this blog. I pray everyday that everything will be made right as easily as possible though.

My head and heart are so heavy these days. So much to think about. So little that I can control....

Friends

I know I've blogged more than once about the lack of female friends I've had in my life and how lucky I feel & blessed I am after two meet ups with the best of the best. I was reminded of this yesterday when I hosted a lunch for two of the women from that amazing group.

The majority of my life seems to have been spent with little people without much adult contact. In fact, I will even venture that most of that is my own doing because I'm just not an extrovert. Don't get me wrong, I can be as obnoxious as the next person when in a group of people I know well although I do try to curb that back as well. I just don't put myself into situations that would allow me any discomfort and therefore do not go to library story hour, community playgroups or any type of Moms' clubs. It stems back from when my parents were divorced. I remember feeling different for the first time while at the bus stop with some older girls in the neighborhood. It wasn't that they were mean to me, but I clearly felt out of place. Being a tomboy AND living with just my Dad *did* make me different. After this I stopped thinking that girls would like me or want to be my friend. That's not to say I never had girlfriends because I did. I just never had a slew of them. I was always more comfortable with boys. In fact, from age 12-13 (and well after) I had two boys who were my BEST friends. They always proved to be my friends even when my girlfriends had outcast me from "the group".

So yesterday's visit left me emotional, but in a good way. When the house became quiet I realized how much I already missed my girlfriends and their children. How much I missed just sitting around and gabbing. How I missed the kids all running around, playing and well, acting like children. It was a day near perfection for me. I had two women here whom I love with all my heart and soul. They are my sistahs. I was comfortable and happy and well, content. With girlfriends. Can you imagine? This is one instance where I cannot seem to convey the wonderful feelings I have into words.

As I age it becomes more clear what really is important in life. It isn't what I have, but those who I surround myself with. (Ah, good thing my friend John doesn't read my blog - I'd blow my "Materialistic Biotch" cover!) I have chosen to surround myself with those women who lift me up. Who always want what is best for me (and I for them, of course). It is truly amazing what life has become with them around. In my wildest dreams I couldn't have imagined how wonderful it would be so thank you. Thank you to the two awesome women who traveled to my home yesterday and thank you to the bigger group who love me even when I find it hard to love myself. Thank you for your encouraging words, your prayers/good thoughts and most importantly your love & friendship. You've added something to my life that I never have experienced and boy is it good. <3

Really weird

I found a guy I went to high school (and church with oddly enough) on Facebook last week.  I sent a friend request.  He accepted it.  And then today as I was browsing another high school friend we had in common, I noticed he wasn't on my friend list anymore.

I sent him a message asking if I had offended him in any way.  He answered me back "No worries.  you didn't offend me."  And that was that.

We're not friends, but no explaination.  Really very weird.

Boston in late fall - Another blessing is added

It's been a long time since I've blogged. Life certainly has a way of getting in the way of the things I want to do.

I had another glorious trip to meet my girlfriends in Boston except this time I was even more lucky because I got to bring along my eldest daughter and she got to meet these friends that I talk about with anyone who will listen to me fawn all about them.

My daughter and I are the same in many ways. We are goofy, love to laugh until we howl, love to take silly pictures of ourselves, love to shop and generally have a great time together. In other ways, my daughter has things figured out SO much better than I did at her age. She is confident in herself and what she believes in. She may be dingy sometimes (which is actually quite endearing), but no one is going to mess with her more than once. She thinks too much of herself for that kind of crap, and for that, I am SO thankful.

So of course when we arrived at the hotel, I immediately had to find where everyone was "meeting" because I had hugs and hugs and hugs & even some kisses stored up and ready to give. I was so happy we didn't hit the usual mad traffic on the highway and we pretty much sailed right up. We found "the room" and the love that hit me in the face as soon as the door opened was absolutely delightful! I was awed that nothing changed. Time and space had done nothing to diminish the love these beautiful, talented, wonderous women have for me and the rest of their friends. What astounded me even more was that in turn they showered Bec with the same affection. How kind they all were to her - a mere 14 yo child - during what is most definitely a child free time.

My daughter was surprised by their easy manner and their immediate generosity towards her. She loved everyone, but was most taken with Sophie. Sophie was also there on a mother-daughter jaunt although their jaunt was a bit more extensive than ours. ;) Becca loved Sophie from the instant she opened her mouth. She loved her outspoken way and her accent and just about everything else. In fact, when Sophie left us at dinner on Saturday evening for a night out with George, Becca mumbled that she didn't like George too much and wished Sophie could have come back to the hotel with us instead. :)))) I understood her disappointment, but she did ok back at the hotel eating Lindt truffles and refilling the wrappings with paper to fool her friends back at school while we got to host a few brave women back in our room.

I wish she could have met G...and Michelle...and NewMichelle (who really isn't new anymore) and Jackie. I wish we could have ALL been there although I must say I could certainly feel their spirits hanging out with us. Someday all the LFFs will be together again. I don't know when or where or how, but I know if it is within my power to make it happen, I will do whatever it takes. These women are not just my friends, they are my sisters. They are part of who I am...part of my soul. Each one of them is important to me and their friendships make me wonder how in the world I got so lucky that this group of women got together on the internet, became friends and then picked a city so close to me that I've got to hang out with them twice. Seriously.Mind.Blowing.

Now we are home and back to the same old, same old, but the nice thing is that we're didn't come back the same as when we went. We came back with SO much more...new friends, lots of love and more memories to hold in our hearts that are great to pull out when things aren't going so well. Knowing there are women out there who are the best cheerleaders, wittiest jokesters and the epitome of what friends should be can get you through just about anything.

I love you guys...and so does Becca :)

Another long weekend...

And it's over!

P.'s wake/celebration of life was on Friday evening and Bec and I made the hour trip to Agawam to attend. There were very few families from our town in attendance, but I was SO glad we went. There was a beautiful slide show of P.'s life that had us laughing one minute and crying the next. The mic was opened for people to share stories of how P. touched their lives and that was the true testament to his life. One of P.'s sons finished up the open mic with a story that had us rolling in the aisles and I think P. would have loved what transpired in that church fellowship hall. The one thought that I found most interesting was that while I had only known P. for just over 3 years, I had seen the things in him that other's whom had known him far longer did. I've already blogged about the things I admired about him and it was good to know that others felt the same. Sometimes I wonder if I am a good judge of character as I tend to see good in people that others may not like.

Saturday was P.'s memorial service. All 8 of us attended and sat as a family. There were folks standing in our church because there weren't enough seats. We arrived about 15 minutes before the service started and had to sit on folding chairs in front of the choir loft (which is located in the back of the altar). Em sat on my lap and David sat on hubby's. At one point, I almost cried because Em was SO loud and she chatters almost non-stop and here we were in full view of over 100 people. I haven't ever seen the church as full as it was on Saturday. David on the other hand was perfect. Seriously. We had comments from SO many people - most of whom we had never seen before in our life. He sat through a 3+ hour service without so much as a peep. I ended up taking Em out during the new P.'s sermon which ended up being about 25 minutes before the service actually ended. She did get better about whispering during the service and in the few times I cried, she would pat my head/face, kiss me and ask me if I was all better. Very sweet.

After P.'s memorial, we headed to a friend's house for a party. She graduated with Chris and her cousin graduated with me. She is 41 and is leaving for Iraq in January to continue working as a helicopter mechanic. She is a tough cookie and had a VERY tough life during and for the few years after high school. It is so good to see her happy and not worried about money, etc. Not everyone gets through her tough exterior, especially other women, but for some reason she has always been fond of me and I am nothing, but fond of her. It was nice just hanging out for a bit, eating some yummy food and enjoying good company.

After the party at L.'s house, we came home and got ready to head to a dinner party in Auburn. I have to admit I was a bit worried whether everyone would mesh - especially the guys. Chris generally gets along with everyone so that helped ease my fears. It was FABULOUS! Lots of laughs with special friends and the guys seemed to hit it off just fine. Maybe they'll become internet freaks, eh, I mean internet friends! :)))))))) We didn't get home from Auburn until 2am. I hope we didn't overstay our welcome!

Yesterday was my first day teaching the youth at church. Did I mention what time I arrived home the night, er morning, before? It was tough getting up and getting out, but I made it on time and while I wasn't totally prepared for my class (I really just wanted to get to know some of the kids I'm not close to), it went well. It was also communion Sunday and I really needed that. Funny story...One of the elders (Susan) brought the kids up for a story time/kids ministry. As they sat down on the altar steps, she asked if they all knew that P. had died. Everyone did. She asked where they thought P. was. Well, my brilliant Thomas raised his hand and said "He's at Yale!". The WHOLE congregation laughed their butts off. P.'s body is indeed at Yale as he's donated his body to them for research, but that wasn't quite the answer that Susan wanted. Eventually they did get the right answer. ;)

After church, I came home and napped. We had planned to go apple picking, but for some reason every Sunday has been rainy. And cold. Chris and I took the middle boys and headed to the grocery store around 5pm since neither of us was motivated to head to Sam's earlier in the day. I made a pasta, spinach & tomato w/gorgonzola recipe I found in Cooking Light along with a salad & reduced fat crescent rolls. I had some honey butter in the 'fridge left from Bec's birthday dinner to go with everything. Kid's didn't like the spinach, but I thought it was very good and so did Bec & hubby. We had an extra kiddo for dinner. P's youngest daughter has always liked to come hang out with us and I figure some things shouldn't change.

Looking forward to a quiet week and long weekend (public school kiddos have Mon. & Tues. off). Unfortunately the weekend itself will be crazy with family stuff, but it's all good. Maybe the weather will cooperate and we'll be able to apple pick THIS weekend...lol

Recovery time

The cyroablation went well yesterday. The only discomfort I had was really my bladder being full and getting more full as the procedure went on. It wouldn't have been so bad, but the procedure is done via ultrasound so the u/s tech was pushing around near my bladder while the doctor used the probe to burn away my uterine lining.

The actual procedure itself is done in two parts. They started on my left side. 9mins 30sec. Temps that reached -99C. Then we wait for the probe to warm up some before it is moved to the right side because as the doctor pointed out, we wouldn't want a situation like the tongue stuck to the flag pole in Christmas Story. hahaha 9min. 30sec. on the left side. Again, temps that reached -99C. Probe warms up. Probe comes out. Damn speculum comes out (that thing just never is comfortable - ever - even after all these years and all those kids). I am told to slowly get up and then I can go empty my bladder. YAY! Of course in my excitement of getting to empty my bladder, I forget my sweats & undies out in the room so I have to go out commando to get them. lol I get dressed and the u/s tech walks me down the hall. She asks if I am feeling ok. I say that I'm fine and she tells me that I look rather pale. I laughed out loud and told her that so many nurses have thought the same thing after I've had babies. I am always rather anemic and I just have pale skin. I just look like death warmed over, but I'm actually ok.

So I get my follow up appt. with my NP and as I am walking out the door, Chris is walking in. He is surprised that my procedure went so quickly (just under an hour and this office is NEVER quick about anything). He asks how I am and I say tired. I also tell him that I need to eat (per doctors orders). I tell him I want to go to Mrs. Lynda's. She is my friend and owns a coffee house. She makes awesome wraps. I love chicken salad. So he buys me one and an apple fritter because he loves me so. While talking to my buddy Lynda, I start to not feel so good. The drug cocktail must be wearing off along with the local anesthetic. I get home and start to feel sick. I lay down and sleep for awhile. No one bothers me. I wake up and have some crampy pain so I eat half of my wrap. I take another vicodin per doctor's orders. I sleep...and sleep...and sleep. I wake up. I don't feel so good. I go into the bathroom to empty my bladder and I get the feeling I'm going to be sick. Oh no...I pull the garbage can over. spit, spit, spit...swallow, swallow, swallow. Tell myself no getting sick, no getting sick, no getting sick - over and over and over again. I feel better. I go back to bed. I think maybe I should eat, but someone is texting me.

I have a texting conversation with my SIL (her only son, my nephew) leaves for Marine boot camp in two weeks. She is holding up, but I know it is only for her son's sake. My heart goes out to her and I love her so much. She is my sister. She asks me how I am and I tell her. I ask her how she is and she says she's keeping it together. I tell her that I am here for her with a shoulder or an ear or just for some simple retail therapy. She thanks me and says she'll be taking me up on all of it. I tell her I'm tired now...she lets me go back to resting. But then, out of the blue...the urge comes back to toss my cookies and this time I know I won't be able to resist. I run to the bathroom and there they go. Twice. But I feel so much better. And it wasn't my whole lunch anyway. I figure it is probably best not to take the vicodin any longer. My body just does not do well with pain meds. In fact, I take nothing else the rest of the night. I ate some bread & butter and a banana (and my apple fritter...lol) I fall asleep around 10 and wake up around 7 this morning feeling achy...like the flu achy. I took some OTC advil. Two. I feel ok. Not great - not ready to get on my treadmill, but ok.

During my sleeping time yesterday I had phone calls from J (I loved seeing your name on my caller ID even if you didn't mean to call) and my sister. My MIL called later that night, but spoke with Chris. I had so many lovely messages on my FB wall from my awesome friends. Believe me when I say that those messages made my heart sing with joy. I love you all...you are the BESTIES in the WHOLE UNICORN...For sure - for real - forever!

So today, I'm just going to do some laundry and rest some more. I hope by tomorrow that I can get back into the groove of life and go on my merry way....