Odd man out

Yep. That's me. I'm so tired of trying to fit in that I've decided to embrace not fitting in. As my sister says, "This is me. This is who I am." You can take me or leave me, but I am not going to feel badly.

I've decided that I'm going to focus on those people who like me and want to be with me. If you have problems with me and you can't be adult enough to speak to me then you are left with what you should be. Bitterness, anger, resentment - whatever. I've been on that side too. That's not a healthy place. Saying what is on your mind does not need to be rude although it is usually confrontational and uncomfortable. Most people do not like that, but the aftermath...the cleanse...is what makes it worth it.

I cannot make everyone happy. I cannot read minds. I will NOT feel guilty for either of these things because it is not my job. And believe me, as a mom, I feel enough guilt for things that are far more important.

I am not perfect. Far from it. But I have a heart and feelings and when someone makes it abundantly clear that I'm not important in their world, that hurts. I am forever trying to do the right thing and be the best person I can be, but sometimes I might have an off day...or hell an off three months. Here are my shoes, remember?

So yeah, I'm thankful for my friends, my family - those who know I am not perfect yet love me anyway and still see something in me that makes it worth having a relationship with me. Those are the people I am focusing on from now on because I have to believe that there is *something* good and worthwhile inside of me.

Questioning Me

I've been going down the road of "self appreciation" (for lack of a better term) for a couple of years now. I'd be lying if I didn't say that it was still bumpy at times. I will go along for a bit and feel good about who I am and know in my heart that people like me and then something small will happen and I begin to wonder.

That happened today.

I question myself over and over and over, ad nauseum. Am I too pushy, bitchy, self righteous, meek, silly, shallow, deep, etc.? And the thing is, I never get the answers because I don't ask the right person. I am afraid to ask the questions to whom I need to because I am afraid of the answers really. I'm also still afraid to throw that little piece of my heart out there and bare myself totally. If I keep part of me back, no one ever has to know that I can be hurt, right? No one ever has to know that I'm not always cool & composed and in charge of a situation.

Sometimes I wonder if others obsess the same way I do...You know, the whole "am I normal?" question arises more often than not. I think part of that reason is growing up with an alcoholic parent. I learned early on that my family wasn't "normal". I was taught that it was something you didn't talk about and that most people frowned on, but the thing is, as I learn to "like" myself and in turn really TALK to other people, I am finding that so many others didn't live "normal" either. I am learning that "normal" doesn't really exist.

Perhaps someday I will just be forthright with my words and not swallow whatever bitter is sitting there. Perhaps one day, I will believe in my worth as a person, friend, wife, sister, mother, aunt, cousin without wavering. At least I hope so.

So far this week...

I used my treadmill at home.
I said good bye to my nephew who leaves for Marine boot camp in 5 days.
I didn't cry even though I wanted to.
I spent time with my ILs.
I received some funny texts from a friend named Jenn (I love you an envelope!)
I've been to the gym two days in a row.
I plan on making it three days in a row.
I've stepped up my cardio workouts.
I've lost 5 pounds.
I have about 30 more pounds to go.
I cooked a meal that included all the veggies I could pick from the garden (except that lone string bean off of David's school plant - I ate that raw.).
I went and had an ice cream cone by myself at my favorite homemade ice cream place (butter pecan on a sugar cone).
I chose the ice cream over french fries from the burger stand up the street.
I figured ice cream was dairy and good for me.
I broke my washing machine.
I haven't done any laundry.
I'm scared that the laundry monster will come and eat us all alive if my washing machine is not fixed soon.
I spoke to the repairman and he promised it would be fixed in a couple of days.
I hope so.
I cleaned up vomit from my girl & her carseat - twice - on a ride we took.
I decided that rides were better without most of the children.
I also decided that maybe my girl gets carsick.
I've missed my LFFs and wished we all lived closer.
I've gotten irritated with someone from HTs and have decided that it is best I do not respond to her any more.
I watched Dirty Jobs on the boob tube.
I saw a picture of me from Sunday and realized that I really am tired of the way I look.
I am able to do a mile in under 16 minutes on the treadmill now - please don't mind my wheezing.
I've done crunches on my exercise ball - only 10 at a time.
I've found out that crunches hurt my tummy.
I noticed that my tummy muscles laugh at me when I'm not looking - slackers.
I had some icky man choose the treadmill next to me even though there were at least 25 others open.
I was weirded out and didn't look anywhere, but forward, until he left.
I was told we are taking a vacation in two weeks.
I am not holding my breath.
I am wishing that it was not raining and that the children could all go outside and play now.
I am done blogging for now.