Odd man out

Yep. That's me. I'm so tired of trying to fit in that I've decided to embrace not fitting in. As my sister says, "This is me. This is who I am." You can take me or leave me, but I am not going to feel badly.

I've decided that I'm going to focus on those people who like me and want to be with me. If you have problems with me and you can't be adult enough to speak to me then you are left with what you should be. Bitterness, anger, resentment - whatever. I've been on that side too. That's not a healthy place. Saying what is on your mind does not need to be rude although it is usually confrontational and uncomfortable. Most people do not like that, but the aftermath...the cleanse...is what makes it worth it.

I cannot make everyone happy. I cannot read minds. I will NOT feel guilty for either of these things because it is not my job. And believe me, as a mom, I feel enough guilt for things that are far more important.

I am not perfect. Far from it. But I have a heart and feelings and when someone makes it abundantly clear that I'm not important in their world, that hurts. I am forever trying to do the right thing and be the best person I can be, but sometimes I might have an off day...or hell an off three months. Here are my shoes, remember?

So yeah, I'm thankful for my friends, my family - those who know I am not perfect yet love me anyway and still see something in me that makes it worth having a relationship with me. Those are the people I am focusing on from now on because I have to believe that there is *something* good and worthwhile inside of me.

A night alone

I'm independent in many things. I've learned how to be by myself and deal with things over the last 20 years I've been with hubby. He works pretty long hours during the "season" and if it snows during the winter, he's gone until the job is done. You might say that I've done the lion's share of the stuff here at home while hubby is out busting his hump to make sure we can live. It certainly isn't the way we have wanted it, but it comes down to survival & living, really.

So in all my time alone, the one thing I really haven't had to do was sleep alone. I mean, hubby works long hours, but except for a couple of huge snow storms along the way, he is home. I've also done a few girls' weekends away and I used to visit my Dad in FL twice a year, but for the most part, I'm here. I like it this way. I feel safe this way.

So hubby is away for tonight. He could have chosen to leave last night and I would have been alone two nights. Could I have handled it? Well, of course. Do I want to handle it? Not at all. I guess that probably makes me pretty dependent, huh? I will guarantee you that I will get less sleep tonight than I did last night while I was worrying about him being away tonight.

I thought about this stuff around 4:30am when hubby kissed me goodbye to head off to his brother's house just over 2 hours away(he is doing tree work with him). When hubby and I started dating all those years ago we pretty much became one person in many, many ways. We are each others BEST friend. We are content to be alone with each other most of the time. We're not big on going away to do our own thing and frankly, as much as I love my girlfriends, if it was a choice of hubby and I hanging out in a hotel for a weekend or taking a trip with them, I would choose the hubby. (I hope this does not offend in any way...I'm just trying to be honest.) I actually visualized two small oak trees growing together into one large oak tree this morning and that pretty much describes us (and made me feel all warm & cozy inside).

Sometimes I wonder if we are too co-dependent on each other, but then I think "Who cares?" We certainly aren't hurting anyone and it works for us. I guess I will just keep telling myself that I can get through tonight and be thankful that I have found the guy who feels the same.