Odd man out

Yep. That's me. I'm so tired of trying to fit in that I've decided to embrace not fitting in. As my sister says, "This is me. This is who I am." You can take me or leave me, but I am not going to feel badly.

I've decided that I'm going to focus on those people who like me and want to be with me. If you have problems with me and you can't be adult enough to speak to me then you are left with what you should be. Bitterness, anger, resentment - whatever. I've been on that side too. That's not a healthy place. Saying what is on your mind does not need to be rude although it is usually confrontational and uncomfortable. Most people do not like that, but the aftermath...the cleanse...is what makes it worth it.

I cannot make everyone happy. I cannot read minds. I will NOT feel guilty for either of these things because it is not my job. And believe me, as a mom, I feel enough guilt for things that are far more important.

I am not perfect. Far from it. But I have a heart and feelings and when someone makes it abundantly clear that I'm not important in their world, that hurts. I am forever trying to do the right thing and be the best person I can be, but sometimes I might have an off day...or hell an off three months. Here are my shoes, remember?

So yeah, I'm thankful for my friends, my family - those who know I am not perfect yet love me anyway and still see something in me that makes it worth having a relationship with me. Those are the people I am focusing on from now on because I have to believe that there is *something* good and worthwhile inside of me.

Saying goodbye and new beginnings

Saying goodbye:

to 3yo preschool
to EO Smith high school (at least for another 2-3 years)
to the childhood of my eldest (how did this happen so quickly?)
to Kindergarten
to 4th grade
to 5th grade
to 10th grade
to the many dreams I've had about attending college for agronomy(personally, this is a tough one and the mourning has just started)
to a year of 2nd Company at Dance Express

New beginnings:

Manchester Community College & Federal Student Aid forms
4yo preschool
1st grade
5th grade
6th grade
11th grade
picking up the "go green" thread in hubby's business and running with it - having something of my own so I feel like I'm contributing something...anything.


My heart is aching with all the goodbyes and is so heavy in so many uncountable ways, but I see a light - a hope for the future - in all the new beginnings. I am praying (literally) for my path as a mom, a wife and as a person to be clear. For God to open doors and/or (large) windows so I might know that I'm on the right path.

I'm not much of a friend these days and for that, I apologize. I'm so caught up in trying to manage the constant lump in my throat and the tears that never seem to be too far away that I have left things unsaid (like birthday wishes, hugs, kind words). I am having a hard time taking care of even the littlest of things. I feel like I am in "safe mode". Nothing gained and nothing lost. Just trying to get through the days.

Perhaps after this coming weekend (J's graduation from high school and B's tryouts for 1st Company) I'll be in a better place. I sure hope so. I don't think I can handle this much longer.