Friday was a good day.
Bec did not have school because of a teacher professional development day. That meant I could take Dn. to the dentist without worrying about getting Da. out of school early or dragging Em along with me. Although, truth be told, the kids see a pediatric dentist now so the office is clearly geared for them.
After I had dropped Dn. back off at school, Bec and the two little ones and I headed over to the dance store. Bec has Dance Fest this week at school and she needed to get a new leotard, full body tights and some foot underwear. Yes, foot underwear. $20 for a thin piece of fabric that slides on over your toes and that has two small pieces of cowhide on the bottom so that you can spin on stage without pulling the skin off of your feet. She tried them out in an open dance room while T. was at dance last night and said that they work great. They better for $20. Seriously...why can't I think stuff up like this?
After the dance store, we headed over to see my mother. I have not seen or heard from my mother since Christmas time. I have to admit that I've been a bit surprised that I haven't heard from her. I was sick all friggen' winter so going over there was out of the question. My mother's husband has a degenerative lung disease so any type of respiratory illness could stick him in the hospital. It was an ok visit on the whole. Seeing the kids makes my mom happy although she is always weepy when I leave. I have a hard time listening to her husband complain that her prescription (Excelon) is $230. This is the med that she takes for her Alzheimer's. If he wants to continue to live in his house and not a nursing home, he really should shut up and be grateful that they can afford the prescription! He had her in tears over this before I left. He really pisses me off if you couldn't tell, but I digress....
We hung out at home for a bit, had a quick dinner (soup...need.to.go.grocery.shopping) and took T. to dance. We then headed over to the ILs because my awesome MIL bought Bec some new ballet shoes (hers were falling apart) and she needed to try them on. Hubby met us there a bit later and then we all headed for home around 9pm.
I guess the nicest thing about yesterday was not only spending the day out with half of my kiddos, but also the fact that hubby and I were texting each other all day and missing each other. This is the way life is supposed to be....these are the things that make it all worth it.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
TGIF
It's been a long week.
Today is day 5 of exercising for the week. I've been doing ok. I think I likely need to step up my exercise time to see any difference in body weight. Not so sure I'm ready to step it up quite yet. I'm just going to keep going as is for a bit I think. As I commented on my friend Julie's blog, slow and steady wins the race. The pilates is doing some good though. I highly recommend Gaiam's Beginner Mat Workout. It is only about 25 minutes long and has modified versions of all the exercises for people like me who have let their stomach/core muscles go to hell in a hand basket. I also have some exercises with my large exercise ball that I use as a desk chair. The ball is also really handy for stretching out my back & extra ab work.
I also was in conflict with hubby most of the week. I tried to blog about it yesterday, but nothing made sense. I just cried and cried. I'm not cut out for hurt & anger lasting anymore than a couple of hours. This went on for like 3 days. When he didn't even say good bye to me yesterday morning, I about burst a gasket. I teetered in between grumpy & basket case all day. Thankfully he came home early, we talked and sorted things out. Making up is super awesome, but the conflict part really took its toll on my whole body/mind. I am just plain tired today.
Looking forward to a good weekend. Today's high temp is supposed to hit 60 degrees. I'm so ready for spring. If D didn't have a dentist appointment this morning, I would SO be walking outside, but since I can't, I have to make this short & sweet and head to the treadmill.
Today is day 5 of exercising for the week. I've been doing ok. I think I likely need to step up my exercise time to see any difference in body weight. Not so sure I'm ready to step it up quite yet. I'm just going to keep going as is for a bit I think. As I commented on my friend Julie's blog, slow and steady wins the race. The pilates is doing some good though. I highly recommend Gaiam's Beginner Mat Workout. It is only about 25 minutes long and has modified versions of all the exercises for people like me who have let their stomach/core muscles go to hell in a hand basket. I also have some exercises with my large exercise ball that I use as a desk chair. The ball is also really handy for stretching out my back & extra ab work.
I also was in conflict with hubby most of the week. I tried to blog about it yesterday, but nothing made sense. I just cried and cried. I'm not cut out for hurt & anger lasting anymore than a couple of hours. This went on for like 3 days. When he didn't even say good bye to me yesterday morning, I about burst a gasket. I teetered in between grumpy & basket case all day. Thankfully he came home early, we talked and sorted things out. Making up is super awesome, but the conflict part really took its toll on my whole body/mind. I am just plain tired today.
Looking forward to a good weekend. Today's high temp is supposed to hit 60 degrees. I'm so ready for spring. If D didn't have a dentist appointment this morning, I would SO be walking outside, but since I can't, I have to make this short & sweet and head to the treadmill.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
just the weekend facts
It's another Monday. Hooray :)
I was happy to sleep in this morning although I do have quite a bit of laundry to do. Ok, a rather big bit because I slacked off at the end of last week and did nothing all weekend. The house probably could use a good cleaning too, but that will have to wait until tomorrow. I refuse to try and clean while the kids are home from school. It is a battle I will never win while they are small I'm afraid. It's ok. I know the dust bunnies and dirt in the sink will be there tomorrow. As long as the kitchen is clean, I'm ok for today.
Friday was fun. Bec brought home a friend from school so they could get ready for ACT's first semi formal dance. Bec and I shopped on Wednesday evening for a new dress & shoes for her and ended up with a pretty mid thigh length empire waisted dress. We also had to buy her a new bra - OMGOSH - Does she have boobage now!!! She came into my room before I had to leave for T's dance and asked me to pin the dress because she was a bit embarrassed at the amount of skin it was showing in the chest area. Hubby had offered to chaperone and so he brought both girls to the school and stayed. He and I texted back and forth a few times while he was there. I took T to dance with the other younger ones (J was home alone) and then went to hang out at the IL's for awhile. The kids had taken a movie for the wait at dance and I giggled through most of the movie (Barnyard). I still haven't actually seen the movie, but I listened to it. I can see why my kiddos like it!
Things are much better now that AF arrived. She arrived right on time Saturday and I had to take her to the big party that night. The fact that my mood was more even keeled was a blessing. Hubby and I did make up the other day and he did apologize. He knew I had a headache, but he also thought that I was using it as an excuse to play hooky from being in David's classroom. Perhaps he is a little bit right, but I just couldn't handle a headache and a room full of 3-5 year olds. I'm sure this probably makes me some kind of terrible mother, but since I know I'm not up for the MOTY award anyway, I'm ok with that.
We arrived at J&L's St. Paddy's party bringing a 12 pack of Corona Light & a lime, freshly baked Irish soda bread and some yummy, seedless raspberry empanadas just for L. By midnight I noticed Chris and I were keeping pace drinking (4 or 5 each). Ooops. I stopped drinking, ate some of the yummy food and started drinking water instead. Thankfully these parties are always late ones so by the time we walked out the door at 10 of 3 (yep - 3 in the morning) I was nothing, but tired, and my feet were killing me from wearing my black high heeled boots (how I love thee even more so, my ugly yet comfortable crocs). I also knew that we could sleep at J&L's if needed or we could have called Jeremy to pick us up in his car.
Sunday I woke up at 8am after getting less than 5 hours of sleep and got my Sunday school lesson together. I drank some diet coke w/lime (they taste very good when you only have them every couple of months) and went to church. They've changed the set up at church and I wasn't sure I'd like it much. Instead of having Sunday school during the time the sermon is going on in the sanctuary, we have it after church. I was afraid church would be over much later, which honestly eats into the one day we have as a family, but was pleasantly surprised. I thanked God for helping me keep an open mind because during the week I was very upset with the whole thing and had stewed about it over and over again. I also was proud of myself for not falling asleep during the sermon. I even held my yawns in until right at the end. Not too shabby. I can even tell you what the sermon was about - even if it was just in general terms. ;)
So Sunday afternoon after I ate some lunch I put on the race and promptly slept the rest of the day. I woke up at the end of the race, made supper (pancakes, bacon & homemade maple & brown sugar oatmeal) and then helped David & Daniel with their homework projects. I then went back to bed, but I didn't sleep until after midnight. I guess maybe my nap was a bit too long?
I'm glad that the weekend was overall pretty nice. I didn't exercise at all on Saturday or Sunday, but I did make it a full 5 days so that is better than nothing. I've found that fitting in at least 30 minutes of exercise each day is much easier than trying to find an hour. Shoot for 30 - anything over that is just a bonus, right?
I was happy to sleep in this morning although I do have quite a bit of laundry to do. Ok, a rather big bit because I slacked off at the end of last week and did nothing all weekend. The house probably could use a good cleaning too, but that will have to wait until tomorrow. I refuse to try and clean while the kids are home from school. It is a battle I will never win while they are small I'm afraid. It's ok. I know the dust bunnies and dirt in the sink will be there tomorrow. As long as the kitchen is clean, I'm ok for today.
Friday was fun. Bec brought home a friend from school so they could get ready for ACT's first semi formal dance. Bec and I shopped on Wednesday evening for a new dress & shoes for her and ended up with a pretty mid thigh length empire waisted dress. We also had to buy her a new bra - OMGOSH - Does she have boobage now!!! She came into my room before I had to leave for T's dance and asked me to pin the dress because she was a bit embarrassed at the amount of skin it was showing in the chest area. Hubby had offered to chaperone and so he brought both girls to the school and stayed. He and I texted back and forth a few times while he was there. I took T to dance with the other younger ones (J was home alone) and then went to hang out at the IL's for awhile. The kids had taken a movie for the wait at dance and I giggled through most of the movie (Barnyard). I still haven't actually seen the movie, but I listened to it. I can see why my kiddos like it!
Things are much better now that AF arrived. She arrived right on time Saturday and I had to take her to the big party that night. The fact that my mood was more even keeled was a blessing. Hubby and I did make up the other day and he did apologize. He knew I had a headache, but he also thought that I was using it as an excuse to play hooky from being in David's classroom. Perhaps he is a little bit right, but I just couldn't handle a headache and a room full of 3-5 year olds. I'm sure this probably makes me some kind of terrible mother, but since I know I'm not up for the MOTY award anyway, I'm ok with that.
We arrived at J&L's St. Paddy's party bringing a 12 pack of Corona Light & a lime, freshly baked Irish soda bread and some yummy, seedless raspberry empanadas just for L. By midnight I noticed Chris and I were keeping pace drinking (4 or 5 each). Ooops. I stopped drinking, ate some of the yummy food and started drinking water instead. Thankfully these parties are always late ones so by the time we walked out the door at 10 of 3 (yep - 3 in the morning) I was nothing, but tired, and my feet were killing me from wearing my black high heeled boots (how I love thee even more so, my ugly yet comfortable crocs). I also knew that we could sleep at J&L's if needed or we could have called Jeremy to pick us up in his car.
Sunday I woke up at 8am after getting less than 5 hours of sleep and got my Sunday school lesson together. I drank some diet coke w/lime (they taste very good when you only have them every couple of months) and went to church. They've changed the set up at church and I wasn't sure I'd like it much. Instead of having Sunday school during the time the sermon is going on in the sanctuary, we have it after church. I was afraid church would be over much later, which honestly eats into the one day we have as a family, but was pleasantly surprised. I thanked God for helping me keep an open mind because during the week I was very upset with the whole thing and had stewed about it over and over again. I also was proud of myself for not falling asleep during the sermon. I even held my yawns in until right at the end. Not too shabby. I can even tell you what the sermon was about - even if it was just in general terms. ;)
So Sunday afternoon after I ate some lunch I put on the race and promptly slept the rest of the day. I woke up at the end of the race, made supper (pancakes, bacon & homemade maple & brown sugar oatmeal) and then helped David & Daniel with their homework projects. I then went back to bed, but I didn't sleep until after midnight. I guess maybe my nap was a bit too long?
I'm glad that the weekend was overall pretty nice. I didn't exercise at all on Saturday or Sunday, but I did make it a full 5 days so that is better than nothing. I've found that fitting in at least 30 minutes of exercise each day is much easier than trying to find an hour. Shoot for 30 - anything over that is just a bonus, right?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
PMS ranting sob fest
Warning...I'm pretty sure I am PMSing which I am sure is the reason why I cried over the movie Rudy yesterday even though I've seen it 2million times - it also better explain the pound I put on despite my exercising.
I am so angry and hurt with my hubby right now. He can be so awesome and is usually, but this morning he was an f'ing jerk. I was supposed to volunteer in David's classroom this morning. I woke up with the beginnings of a migraine (which also lines up w/me having PMS). Granted, I wasn't looking forward to bringing Emma with me in the first place, but when I woke up with a headache, I knew I just couldn't do it. So I proceeded to write a note to D's teacher and while I was doing so, hubby made E cry (read that as SCREAM) because she was whining and then when he found out that I was writing D's teacher a note explaining about my headache, he laughed one of those "yeah right" laughs and asked "So you're not going in to his classroom today?". I called him an asshole and of course he called me a bitch and I retorted that I wasn't one until I married him. Needless to say, he left without even a good bye. (two hurts in the matter of minutes, but who's counting?)
I know that he carries the financial burdens of our family. I know he is extremely stressed right now with the lack of cash flow. I am extremely grateful for all he does for our family, but I carry a load too. It's not like I sit on my butt all day (although I think he truly thinks that a lot of the time). Last time I checked, I run this house. I make sure the kids have dentist, doctor, eye appointments. I make sure they get signed up for extra curricular stuff and help bring them/pick them up. I make sure that they get school projects done on time, I sign permission slips, report cards and every other piece of paper that comes through the door. I clean the house - you can imagine what the bathrooms look like with 5 males in this house. I cook dinner 98% of the time and not hamburger helper. I do my best and I fail at so much, but darn it, I don't need someone pointing it all out for me. For example, last night he says as we are both getting ready for bed "I'm out of socks and underwear." Ok, well, while you were down cellar doing your hour workout, did you happen to check the washing machine or dryer which is about ten steps to the left of you? Of course not. Your legs/hands/arms must've been broken (along with your brain). Today Jeremy and I have an eye appointment at 3pm which will mean the middle boys will come home to an empty house. They will likely be here for about an hour. I'm not worried. Our neighbor to the left and our neighbor across the street will be home and they are pretty good about grabbing a snack and doing their homework and I am only 15 minutes away. They also have the dogs and we live out in the middle of nowhere. When I explain to hubby about this, he asks why in the world I would make an appointment for that time. Um, hello. You should know since you go to the same darn optometrist that I don't make the appointments, they are given to me a year in advance. I then mention how nice it must be to make an appointment any time and not have to worry about shuffling children or making arrangements because while the middle boys will come home to an empty house, I will still have the two little ones who will drive me to distraction because the eye doctor's office is the size of a postage stamp and they aren't exactly quiet. All he has to do is go - no worries about who is home, who he has to bring. Heck, I haven't had my hair cut since the beginning of December because I just haven't been able to fit it in without children AND money has been so tight. He goes every 3 weeks - by himself - whenever he wants.
Gosh, I'm starting to feel like I have quite a weight strapped to me, but I'm not allowed to vent, have a migraine or even voice a bit of displeasure because what he does is so much more important and shouldn't I know this? When I was so sick last month, I didn't get any help. No one was doing my chores - cleaning the house, doing the laundry, taking care of the kids, cooking supper. I didn't whine about it. I just did it the best I could (which sucked, btw...the house was a total friggen' disaster which makes me feel even worse.). I even threw a kick arse dinner party in the midst of it all. Why is it that I feel the need to explain myself in the first place???
Bottom line, I didn't produce this life we share all by myself. I didn't "put him in this position". He's never said those words to me, but I am almost certain there are days he thinks like that. Resentment is evil and will undermine any good feelings you have for someone.
I know marriage isn't hearts and flowers and stars in your eyes. We went past that point so long ago. In fact, I would even venture that things like what happened this morning hurt even more when what is at the core of your relationship is a feeling of being best friends. Words & actions can be so hurtful to someone's heart & soul and when you know the person as well as you know yourself it is so easy to step over the line and hurt them. Basically, instead of hubby caring about my well being, he found it easier to question my integrity. That's a killer, for sure.
So now I just need to get on with my day. He may apologize later or he may not. He's not that good at admitting he's wrong and sometimes he is so extremely chauvinistic I'd like to shove his face in a big pile of steaming dog doodoo. Thankfully, most of the time, there is good stuff between us. Happy stuff.
I think for today I'll just hang on to that, thank you.
I am so angry and hurt with my hubby right now. He can be so awesome and is usually, but this morning he was an f'ing jerk. I was supposed to volunteer in David's classroom this morning. I woke up with the beginnings of a migraine (which also lines up w/me having PMS). Granted, I wasn't looking forward to bringing Emma with me in the first place, but when I woke up with a headache, I knew I just couldn't do it. So I proceeded to write a note to D's teacher and while I was doing so, hubby made E cry (read that as SCREAM) because she was whining and then when he found out that I was writing D's teacher a note explaining about my headache, he laughed one of those "yeah right" laughs and asked "So you're not going in to his classroom today?". I called him an asshole and of course he called me a bitch and I retorted that I wasn't one until I married him. Needless to say, he left without even a good bye. (two hurts in the matter of minutes, but who's counting?)
I know that he carries the financial burdens of our family. I know he is extremely stressed right now with the lack of cash flow. I am extremely grateful for all he does for our family, but I carry a load too. It's not like I sit on my butt all day (although I think he truly thinks that a lot of the time). Last time I checked, I run this house. I make sure the kids have dentist, doctor, eye appointments. I make sure they get signed up for extra curricular stuff and help bring them/pick them up. I make sure that they get school projects done on time, I sign permission slips, report cards and every other piece of paper that comes through the door. I clean the house - you can imagine what the bathrooms look like with 5 males in this house. I cook dinner 98% of the time and not hamburger helper. I do my best and I fail at so much, but darn it, I don't need someone pointing it all out for me. For example, last night he says as we are both getting ready for bed "I'm out of socks and underwear." Ok, well, while you were down cellar doing your hour workout, did you happen to check the washing machine or dryer which is about ten steps to the left of you? Of course not. Your legs/hands/arms must've been broken (along with your brain). Today Jeremy and I have an eye appointment at 3pm which will mean the middle boys will come home to an empty house. They will likely be here for about an hour. I'm not worried. Our neighbor to the left and our neighbor across the street will be home and they are pretty good about grabbing a snack and doing their homework and I am only 15 minutes away. They also have the dogs and we live out in the middle of nowhere. When I explain to hubby about this, he asks why in the world I would make an appointment for that time. Um, hello. You should know since you go to the same darn optometrist that I don't make the appointments, they are given to me a year in advance. I then mention how nice it must be to make an appointment any time and not have to worry about shuffling children or making arrangements because while the middle boys will come home to an empty house, I will still have the two little ones who will drive me to distraction because the eye doctor's office is the size of a postage stamp and they aren't exactly quiet. All he has to do is go - no worries about who is home, who he has to bring. Heck, I haven't had my hair cut since the beginning of December because I just haven't been able to fit it in without children AND money has been so tight. He goes every 3 weeks - by himself - whenever he wants.
Gosh, I'm starting to feel like I have quite a weight strapped to me, but I'm not allowed to vent, have a migraine or even voice a bit of displeasure because what he does is so much more important and shouldn't I know this? When I was so sick last month, I didn't get any help. No one was doing my chores - cleaning the house, doing the laundry, taking care of the kids, cooking supper. I didn't whine about it. I just did it the best I could (which sucked, btw...the house was a total friggen' disaster which makes me feel even worse.). I even threw a kick arse dinner party in the midst of it all. Why is it that I feel the need to explain myself in the first place???
Bottom line, I didn't produce this life we share all by myself. I didn't "put him in this position". He's never said those words to me, but I am almost certain there are days he thinks like that. Resentment is evil and will undermine any good feelings you have for someone.
I know marriage isn't hearts and flowers and stars in your eyes. We went past that point so long ago. In fact, I would even venture that things like what happened this morning hurt even more when what is at the core of your relationship is a feeling of being best friends. Words & actions can be so hurtful to someone's heart & soul and when you know the person as well as you know yourself it is so easy to step over the line and hurt them. Basically, instead of hubby caring about my well being, he found it easier to question my integrity. That's a killer, for sure.
So now I just need to get on with my day. He may apologize later or he may not. He's not that good at admitting he's wrong and sometimes he is so extremely chauvinistic I'd like to shove his face in a big pile of steaming dog doodoo. Thankfully, most of the time, there is good stuff between us. Happy stuff.
I think for today I'll just hang on to that, thank you.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Taking a page from Julie's blog
Goals.
My first goal is to change my lifestyle. I need to make exercise a regular part of my routine. EVERY day. I'm not too shabby with the eating part although I know I have to control my portions. I've decided not to do P90X right now because honestly, it makes me feel like a failure and I want to feel good about my exercise right now. I've decided to use my treadmill & some pilates DVDs I have. I'll do the treadmill one day and the DVDs the next. So far I'm at 2 days of exercise and feeling a bit timid about sharing lest I should fail again, but I also am trying to stay in the mindset that each day is new and I can start each day as it were the first.
Anyway, in the last week I have noticed that my abs are absolutely shot (well, I knew it, but I didn't realize it was SO bad). I also get pretty painful muscle spasms there if I am not careful. I have complained about things twisting around and going numb in my ab area since carrying Thomas or Daniel, but neither of my OBs (original or current) seem to be worried about it. It isn't getting better though so I am wondering if I should push a bit harder. Truth be told, I would be thrilled to get some "reconstructive" surgery done on my tummy. Does this make me vain? Gah. I hate vain people, but I also would love a nice tummy. I know where Em gets the whole Sybil thing from...bwaahaahaahaa ;)
My second goal is to broaden my garden (bigger & more variety) which will take some studying on my part. We do the garden from seed because it is cheap, but it also makes things a bit harder. I have a black thumb and that hasn't changed for any indoor plants (seriously - I've killed a cactus!), but for some reason, I seem to be able to pull off a garden. I love weeding which probably helps. I think that my garden is another "quiet" place for me...no one bothers me there - just like the laundry area. :)
My last goal is to stop my yelling that seems to happen every morning & help my boys be more responsible about getting themselves ready for school. I have started not getting up with them (although I am awake in bed) and so far they've done ok. I have to remember to set David's clothes out the night before and I have to help him learn to get his own snack at night, but other than that, there really isn't any need for me to be up micro managing what they are doing. They can get breakfast on their own, dress, brush their teeth & hair, pack their backpacks and watch for the bus. I know the two middle boys are more than capable and David isn't far behind although he still needs help with getting breakfast.
I know there are many Moms out there who probably think I'm making them grow up too fast, but I don't see it like that. In our larger family, everyone needs to take a certain responsibility for themselves. I guess I look at it as learning life skills sooner rather than later. The more responsible they are the better and practice makes perfect. And lest I should come off as a lazy, good for nothing Mom, I do get up before the bus comes and I make sure they know I love them & wish them a good day before they walk out the door. Trust me - much more preferable than the drill instructor type yelling that was going on.
My first goal is to change my lifestyle. I need to make exercise a regular part of my routine. EVERY day. I'm not too shabby with the eating part although I know I have to control my portions. I've decided not to do P90X right now because honestly, it makes me feel like a failure and I want to feel good about my exercise right now. I've decided to use my treadmill & some pilates DVDs I have. I'll do the treadmill one day and the DVDs the next. So far I'm at 2 days of exercise and feeling a bit timid about sharing lest I should fail again, but I also am trying to stay in the mindset that each day is new and I can start each day as it were the first.
Anyway, in the last week I have noticed that my abs are absolutely shot (well, I knew it, but I didn't realize it was SO bad). I also get pretty painful muscle spasms there if I am not careful. I have complained about things twisting around and going numb in my ab area since carrying Thomas or Daniel, but neither of my OBs (original or current) seem to be worried about it. It isn't getting better though so I am wondering if I should push a bit harder. Truth be told, I would be thrilled to get some "reconstructive" surgery done on my tummy. Does this make me vain? Gah. I hate vain people, but I also would love a nice tummy. I know where Em gets the whole Sybil thing from...bwaahaahaahaa ;)
My second goal is to broaden my garden (bigger & more variety) which will take some studying on my part. We do the garden from seed because it is cheap, but it also makes things a bit harder. I have a black thumb and that hasn't changed for any indoor plants (seriously - I've killed a cactus!), but for some reason, I seem to be able to pull off a garden. I love weeding which probably helps. I think that my garden is another "quiet" place for me...no one bothers me there - just like the laundry area. :)
My last goal is to stop my yelling that seems to happen every morning & help my boys be more responsible about getting themselves ready for school. I have started not getting up with them (although I am awake in bed) and so far they've done ok. I have to remember to set David's clothes out the night before and I have to help him learn to get his own snack at night, but other than that, there really isn't any need for me to be up micro managing what they are doing. They can get breakfast on their own, dress, brush their teeth & hair, pack their backpacks and watch for the bus. I know the two middle boys are more than capable and David isn't far behind although he still needs help with getting breakfast.
I know there are many Moms out there who probably think I'm making them grow up too fast, but I don't see it like that. In our larger family, everyone needs to take a certain responsibility for themselves. I guess I look at it as learning life skills sooner rather than later. The more responsible they are the better and practice makes perfect. And lest I should come off as a lazy, good for nothing Mom, I do get up before the bus comes and I make sure they know I love them & wish them a good day before they walk out the door. Trust me - much more preferable than the drill instructor type yelling that was going on.
Friday, March 13, 2009
I lost a morning!
I was feeling rather sad this morning. Perhaps it even bordered on sorry for myself. Being friends with family on FB has been challenging at times. Most of my readers know the constant ups and downs with my sister in law. What you may not know is that my BIL & SIL's four children are close in age/same age as our four youngest. In fact, two of them are 5 days apart. I know at the beginning, this caused much heartache for my SIL because I think she wanted her first pregnancy to be all about her so when I announced weeks later that I was pregnant, it didn't go over very well. The fact that I had just had two miscarriages in a row didn't mean a thing. Now this is just background. I've long since gotten over this and my SIL pulled her head out of her ass a long time ago as well. Needless to say, our boys were born 3 weeks to the day and almost to the hour apart. They have grown up together and love each other very much. Even though SIL and I may not be able to be confident in each other's intentions, our children all love each other very much just as cousins should.
So this morning as I was perusing the status updates, I came across SIL's. Apparently they are taking M. to a water park for his "friend" birthday party (the family party is on Sunday and we all will be attending). I was taken aback and immediately felt sorry for my boys. In fact, I felt angry even. We've always invited the cousins for parties. Last year T. had a Mad Science birthday party and we invited their two oldest. I felt the same anger and resentment and hurt that always seems to erase whatever nice feelings I have for my SIL. How dare she rub my nose in the fact that she is taking her son to an indoor water park and not invite my boys?! I hate to admit that my whole morning was spent grumbly and irritated. Of course, this also may had something to do with the fact that there was no coffee and hubby had to get his haircut before getting more and the fact that we are having some major money issues right now. As far as the latter, I do not know how this happened except that cash flow just stopped. We have made all the important payments (trucks, mortgage, food), but we are falling behind on almost everything else and I'm ready for spring. Thankfully hubby already has work lined up, but we need the weather to cooperate now. No more snow please.
So when hubby got home and made the coffee, he noticed how witchy I was. I didn't say anything to him, but that was the point I guess. I was quiet and my body language was a dead give away. He came up stairs and I finally spilled what my issues were. He looked at me and said that SIL had told him last night that they were taking M. to the water park and he was only allowed one friend. Immediately I felt awful. I mean, even if M had asked for T to go, that would leave D out. While I usually don't buy into the whole "keep it fair" stuff, I have to admit that this would have been overly hurtful to D who is extremely sensitive. Hubby also reminded me that if T had to choose one friend for something, it likely wouldn't have been M. He would have chose a friend from school. Duh, of course he would. Sometimes I wonder why my brain can function in an analytical way at one time and then be a total mess at others. I think it has something to do with not using my brain once the whole feeling of hurt/anger/sadness comes in. I really need to work on this.
So I am feeling better, but I just realized that I have wasted a WHOLE morning on this. David will be off the bus in 15 minutes and I'm not even showered nor have I done anything except one load of laundry. Dude...I have a whole house to clean! D'oh! So yeah, if you need me today, I'm trying to make up for my emotional morning.
So this morning as I was perusing the status updates, I came across SIL's. Apparently they are taking M. to a water park for his "friend" birthday party (the family party is on Sunday and we all will be attending). I was taken aback and immediately felt sorry for my boys. In fact, I felt angry even. We've always invited the cousins for parties. Last year T. had a Mad Science birthday party and we invited their two oldest. I felt the same anger and resentment and hurt that always seems to erase whatever nice feelings I have for my SIL. How dare she rub my nose in the fact that she is taking her son to an indoor water park and not invite my boys?! I hate to admit that my whole morning was spent grumbly and irritated. Of course, this also may had something to do with the fact that there was no coffee and hubby had to get his haircut before getting more and the fact that we are having some major money issues right now. As far as the latter, I do not know how this happened except that cash flow just stopped. We have made all the important payments (trucks, mortgage, food), but we are falling behind on almost everything else and I'm ready for spring. Thankfully hubby already has work lined up, but we need the weather to cooperate now. No more snow please.
So when hubby got home and made the coffee, he noticed how witchy I was. I didn't say anything to him, but that was the point I guess. I was quiet and my body language was a dead give away. He came up stairs and I finally spilled what my issues were. He looked at me and said that SIL had told him last night that they were taking M. to the water park and he was only allowed one friend. Immediately I felt awful. I mean, even if M had asked for T to go, that would leave D out. While I usually don't buy into the whole "keep it fair" stuff, I have to admit that this would have been overly hurtful to D who is extremely sensitive. Hubby also reminded me that if T had to choose one friend for something, it likely wouldn't have been M. He would have chose a friend from school. Duh, of course he would. Sometimes I wonder why my brain can function in an analytical way at one time and then be a total mess at others. I think it has something to do with not using my brain once the whole feeling of hurt/anger/sadness comes in. I really need to work on this.
So I am feeling better, but I just realized that I have wasted a WHOLE morning on this. David will be off the bus in 15 minutes and I'm not even showered nor have I done anything except one load of laundry. Dude...I have a whole house to clean! D'oh! So yeah, if you need me today, I'm trying to make up for my emotional morning.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Things are a changin'
Things change. I hate it. Really, really loathe it. Oh, I suck it up eventually and deal with it, but I'd prefer things to go on the same really. I don't like waves - they mess everything up.
Perhaps this thinking stunts who I am...stunts my emotional/spiritual growth. I'm wondering if I need to start embracing the changes in my world instead of fighting them or ignoring them for as long as possible.
Tonight I set a course for change yet again and I'm frightened at the thought of failing yet again. I want something very badly, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to work for it even though I know it is important.
Well, whatever happens I know eventually I will figure things out. I just wish it came easy this change stuff...
Perhaps this thinking stunts who I am...stunts my emotional/spiritual growth. I'm wondering if I need to start embracing the changes in my world instead of fighting them or ignoring them for as long as possible.
Tonight I set a course for change yet again and I'm frightened at the thought of failing yet again. I want something very badly, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to work for it even though I know it is important.
Well, whatever happens I know eventually I will figure things out. I just wish it came easy this change stuff...
Friday, March 6, 2009
My past
While reading my friend Leah's blog, it reminded me of my own teenage years. Two things in particular came to mind and while they aren't mirror images of Leah's own experiences, they definitely have some commonalities.
First I will preface this by letting you know that virtually my whole life was spent living with my Dad. My parents separated when I was 5 and were divorced by the time I was 6. All, but 2 and a half years were spent living with my Dad until I was married. The time I spent with my mom was short, but it was also those awful preteen/beginner teen years where a.) I believed the world revolved around me and b.) I felt certifiable many, MANY days. Needless to say, those were rough years. I ended up going back to live with my Dad halfway through my freshman year in high school right after I got caught being truant. Of course, being truant is bad, but the fact that I had spent the day with a guy trying to lose my virginity is probably the real issue here. In fact, that just gives you an idea where my head was then. I remember vividly just wanting someone (a boy) to love me and take care of me (treat me well). My dream for as long as I can remember was to be married to Prince Charming and have a gaggle of children.
So back to the small town I grew up in - desperately missing the friends & life I had in my mother's more "urban" town. I re-made friends although being painfully shy did not make the transition any easier. My saving grace was that the girl I had grown up with who lived across the street from me was a senior and had promised nothing bad would come to me. She was true to her word and I didn't get any crap from any upper class men. While I started to fit in again, I still missed the friends/boys from EH. I still kept in touch via phone with some and one day, without warning I had a guy I knew from EHHS pick me up after my Dad went to work and I didn't come home. I didn't call anyone either. I just disappeared. Let me say, as a parent, this must've been terrifying. While my father could be a total ass when he was drunk (he was a high functioning alcoholic), he made parenting an out of control 14/15 year old look absolutely simple. I cry even now thinking how awful I must've made him feel on so many occasions and I cannot even apologize to him because he's been dead for 2 years now. /sob/
So I ditched the guy who had picked me up and had him drop me off at a shady Peruvian's house I knew. I had a crush on this guy forever and a day and he toyed with me most of the time. By this time, I was not a virgin anymore. That had been taken care of on my father's living room couch one evening. This guy snuck me into his room past his Mom (who hated all the girls) and we were awoken sometime in the middle of the night by his Mom who had been awoken by the state police at her door looking for me. Needless to say, she was NOT pleased to find me in her son's room and I knew I wouldn't be staying there again. I parted ways with G early the next morning and I never contacted him again. I'm pretty sure he went to jail at some point for drug dealing.
I ended up staying at another guy's house (the same one I was truant with) for a day or two, a night in my mother's shed (she was on a trip), another friend's house in the neighboring town and then my aunt (my Dad's sister) graciously lent me her couch even though my parents & sister had told everyone not to help me out. I will forever hold a special place in my heart for my Auntie Betty. She died 3 and half years ago from cancer, but I have never met anyone like her. She genuinely thought with her heart. She forgave easy and did what she thought was right even if it wasn't the popular choice. I miss her as much as I miss my Dad and our family hasn't been the same since she died.
During this week or so, I spent most of it stoned. Mostly smoked hash and then spent time looking for something to eat. I find it pretty ridiculous that I had no money, but I could always find someone who would get me high for free. I also realized that I was in love with a guy (truant guy) who would never be able to love me the way I needed to be loved. He was absolutely amazing in bed - seriously - but the kind of love I was looking for would never be there. We fooled around lots of times even after this point and while I think I held a special place in his heart, even then I knew nothing would come of it. We've lost touch and reconnected over the years and currently we've lost touch. Last time I knew he was married and living out west. I won't lie, I think of him sometimes. I truly believe he was the first person I ever really loved.
I ended up meeting my Dad for coffee at a restaurant that no longer exists and deciding that I was ready to go home. I found that after this whole ordeal, my Dad stopped being "parental" for lack of a better word. I had a curfew, but I pretty much came and went as I wanted. The boundaries had been tested and it seemed that I had won. It probably was the fact that my Dad didn't want me to take off again although to tell the truth, I much preferred being home in my own bed with food & money at my disposal.
I wish I could say that at this point I started behaving in a self respectful way, but I didn't. I pretty much had sex with anyone. In cars, outside, at my house, at my best friend's house....didn't matter. I had boyfriends, but if I wasn't seeing anyone and someone caught my eye, I'd sleep with them. Didn't matter the age either. At 15 I slept with guys in their 20's. The fact that I could play the game and seduce someone was something I took pride in. /shudder/ I look back thinking that I had a whole lot of self loathing. I wanted something so badly (love) that I did what I thought would make it happen. It didn't happen. No one can love you until you love yourself. No one will respect you until you respect yourself. It was a hard and long lesson for me. At some point during my 16th year, something clicked in my head and I decided that I was worth more than getting laid. I was looking for and deserved more than that. It was around this point that I met my husband.
Now, old habits die hard. I actually was at a keg party with my cousin and my best friend (who were dating at the time). I was trashed - probably because I carried my own plastic beer mug attached to my jeans by a bandanna! I asked 2 guys to bring me home. Both had said they couldn't/wouldn't. I then saw my hubby and remembered him from high school (and the fact that he was friends with the same across the street neighbor who had my back). I asked him for a ride. He reluctantly agreed (he knew I was drunk). He brought me to my bf's house (where I was staying for the weekend). I tried to have sex with him, but he wasn't really interested. He stayed pretty late, but ended up leaving. During this same time I had a crush on another guy in town who totally wasn't interested in me. He had some skanky girl in a neighboring town that had a hold over him. O was the bad boy and hubby was the good boy.
My fate was decided (by my own choice) on 10/28/86 (a Tuesday). Hubby and I had a falling out (we were seeing each other which was a step down from dating - we weren't "exclusive"). He took another girl to a party and lied to me about it. He didn't realize that I might actually show up at the party and when I did, I was hurt and left with his best friend, T. The next day I had a date with T. The day after (Monday) I took a bottle of Bacardi light rum from my Dad's wet bar and went joy riding with O. It was the only time I've ever "blacked out" while drinking. I had sex with O, but I remember saying hubby's name during it - that basically ended that. We drove to the local 7-11 and who was there, but hubby. O said something about not being used to make someone else jealous and he turned around in the parking lot and took me home. When I walked through the door there was a note on the table from my Dad. Hubby had called and left a message. Of course, I knew he wasn't home so I didn't talk to him until the next day.
When we finally talked the next day, hubby apologized for lying to me and asked if I was interested in "going out" with him which means we would be "exclusive". This was the day that my life turned around and I was saved. I did a lot of growing over the next couple of years. Hubby was definitely God's way of saving me. I truly believe that God put him in my path so that I didn't end up dead. The worst thing that happened was that O's gf gave us all chlamydia. I think back to ALL the people I slept with and it is a true miracle that I didn't end up with something much worse that didn't go away with a long round of tetracycline.
While hubby and I have had our share of ups and downs and a bout of my old stupidity rearing its ugly head after J. was born (no sex involved, but I cheated), I cannot imagine being with anyone else. Hubby knows me like no other person does and the fact that he still loves me and finds me attractive gets me through those days that I don't believe in myself. He is true blue at his very core and I owe him my life. I know I wouldn't have my dreams of a good man and lots of kiddos without him. I know he was meant for me and was a gift - a saving one.
First I will preface this by letting you know that virtually my whole life was spent living with my Dad. My parents separated when I was 5 and were divorced by the time I was 6. All, but 2 and a half years were spent living with my Dad until I was married. The time I spent with my mom was short, but it was also those awful preteen/beginner teen years where a.) I believed the world revolved around me and b.) I felt certifiable many, MANY days. Needless to say, those were rough years. I ended up going back to live with my Dad halfway through my freshman year in high school right after I got caught being truant. Of course, being truant is bad, but the fact that I had spent the day with a guy trying to lose my virginity is probably the real issue here. In fact, that just gives you an idea where my head was then. I remember vividly just wanting someone (a boy) to love me and take care of me (treat me well). My dream for as long as I can remember was to be married to Prince Charming and have a gaggle of children.
So back to the small town I grew up in - desperately missing the friends & life I had in my mother's more "urban" town. I re-made friends although being painfully shy did not make the transition any easier. My saving grace was that the girl I had grown up with who lived across the street from me was a senior and had promised nothing bad would come to me. She was true to her word and I didn't get any crap from any upper class men. While I started to fit in again, I still missed the friends/boys from EH. I still kept in touch via phone with some and one day, without warning I had a guy I knew from EHHS pick me up after my Dad went to work and I didn't come home. I didn't call anyone either. I just disappeared. Let me say, as a parent, this must've been terrifying. While my father could be a total ass when he was drunk (he was a high functioning alcoholic), he made parenting an out of control 14/15 year old look absolutely simple. I cry even now thinking how awful I must've made him feel on so many occasions and I cannot even apologize to him because he's been dead for 2 years now. /sob/
So I ditched the guy who had picked me up and had him drop me off at a shady Peruvian's house I knew. I had a crush on this guy forever and a day and he toyed with me most of the time. By this time, I was not a virgin anymore. That had been taken care of on my father's living room couch one evening. This guy snuck me into his room past his Mom (who hated all the girls) and we were awoken sometime in the middle of the night by his Mom who had been awoken by the state police at her door looking for me. Needless to say, she was NOT pleased to find me in her son's room and I knew I wouldn't be staying there again. I parted ways with G early the next morning and I never contacted him again. I'm pretty sure he went to jail at some point for drug dealing.
I ended up staying at another guy's house (the same one I was truant with) for a day or two, a night in my mother's shed (she was on a trip), another friend's house in the neighboring town and then my aunt (my Dad's sister) graciously lent me her couch even though my parents & sister had told everyone not to help me out. I will forever hold a special place in my heart for my Auntie Betty. She died 3 and half years ago from cancer, but I have never met anyone like her. She genuinely thought with her heart. She forgave easy and did what she thought was right even if it wasn't the popular choice. I miss her as much as I miss my Dad and our family hasn't been the same since she died.
During this week or so, I spent most of it stoned. Mostly smoked hash and then spent time looking for something to eat. I find it pretty ridiculous that I had no money, but I could always find someone who would get me high for free. I also realized that I was in love with a guy (truant guy) who would never be able to love me the way I needed to be loved. He was absolutely amazing in bed - seriously - but the kind of love I was looking for would never be there. We fooled around lots of times even after this point and while I think I held a special place in his heart, even then I knew nothing would come of it. We've lost touch and reconnected over the years and currently we've lost touch. Last time I knew he was married and living out west. I won't lie, I think of him sometimes. I truly believe he was the first person I ever really loved.
I ended up meeting my Dad for coffee at a restaurant that no longer exists and deciding that I was ready to go home. I found that after this whole ordeal, my Dad stopped being "parental" for lack of a better word. I had a curfew, but I pretty much came and went as I wanted. The boundaries had been tested and it seemed that I had won. It probably was the fact that my Dad didn't want me to take off again although to tell the truth, I much preferred being home in my own bed with food & money at my disposal.
I wish I could say that at this point I started behaving in a self respectful way, but I didn't. I pretty much had sex with anyone. In cars, outside, at my house, at my best friend's house....didn't matter. I had boyfriends, but if I wasn't seeing anyone and someone caught my eye, I'd sleep with them. Didn't matter the age either. At 15 I slept with guys in their 20's. The fact that I could play the game and seduce someone was something I took pride in. /shudder/ I look back thinking that I had a whole lot of self loathing. I wanted something so badly (love) that I did what I thought would make it happen. It didn't happen. No one can love you until you love yourself. No one will respect you until you respect yourself. It was a hard and long lesson for me. At some point during my 16th year, something clicked in my head and I decided that I was worth more than getting laid. I was looking for and deserved more than that. It was around this point that I met my husband.
Now, old habits die hard. I actually was at a keg party with my cousin and my best friend (who were dating at the time). I was trashed - probably because I carried my own plastic beer mug attached to my jeans by a bandanna! I asked 2 guys to bring me home. Both had said they couldn't/wouldn't. I then saw my hubby and remembered him from high school (and the fact that he was friends with the same across the street neighbor who had my back). I asked him for a ride. He reluctantly agreed (he knew I was drunk). He brought me to my bf's house (where I was staying for the weekend). I tried to have sex with him, but he wasn't really interested. He stayed pretty late, but ended up leaving. During this same time I had a crush on another guy in town who totally wasn't interested in me. He had some skanky girl in a neighboring town that had a hold over him. O was the bad boy and hubby was the good boy.
My fate was decided (by my own choice) on 10/28/86 (a Tuesday). Hubby and I had a falling out (we were seeing each other which was a step down from dating - we weren't "exclusive"). He took another girl to a party and lied to me about it. He didn't realize that I might actually show up at the party and when I did, I was hurt and left with his best friend, T. The next day I had a date with T. The day after (Monday) I took a bottle of Bacardi light rum from my Dad's wet bar and went joy riding with O. It was the only time I've ever "blacked out" while drinking. I had sex with O, but I remember saying hubby's name during it - that basically ended that. We drove to the local 7-11 and who was there, but hubby. O said something about not being used to make someone else jealous and he turned around in the parking lot and took me home. When I walked through the door there was a note on the table from my Dad. Hubby had called and left a message. Of course, I knew he wasn't home so I didn't talk to him until the next day.
When we finally talked the next day, hubby apologized for lying to me and asked if I was interested in "going out" with him which means we would be "exclusive". This was the day that my life turned around and I was saved. I did a lot of growing over the next couple of years. Hubby was definitely God's way of saving me. I truly believe that God put him in my path so that I didn't end up dead. The worst thing that happened was that O's gf gave us all chlamydia. I think back to ALL the people I slept with and it is a true miracle that I didn't end up with something much worse that didn't go away with a long round of tetracycline.
While hubby and I have had our share of ups and downs and a bout of my old stupidity rearing its ugly head after J. was born (no sex involved, but I cheated), I cannot imagine being with anyone else. Hubby knows me like no other person does and the fact that he still loves me and finds me attractive gets me through those days that I don't believe in myself. He is true blue at his very core and I owe him my life. I know I wouldn't have my dreams of a good man and lots of kiddos without him. I know he was meant for me and was a gift - a saving one.
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