PMS ranting sob fest

Warning...I'm pretty sure I am PMSing which I am sure is the reason why I cried over the movie Rudy yesterday even though I've seen it 2million times - it also better explain the pound I put on despite my exercising.


I am so angry and hurt with my hubby right now. He can be so awesome and is usually, but this morning he was an f'ing jerk. I was supposed to volunteer in David's classroom this morning. I woke up with the beginnings of a migraine (which also lines up w/me having PMS). Granted, I wasn't looking forward to bringing Emma with me in the first place, but when I woke up with a headache, I knew I just couldn't do it. So I proceeded to write a note to D's teacher and while I was doing so, hubby made E cry (read that as SCREAM) because she was whining and then when he found out that I was writing D's teacher a note explaining about my headache, he laughed one of those "yeah right" laughs and asked "So you're not going in to his classroom today?". I called him an asshole and of course he called me a bitch and I retorted that I wasn't one until I married him. Needless to say, he left without even a good bye. (two hurts in the matter of minutes, but who's counting?)

I know that he carries the financial burdens of our family. I know he is extremely stressed right now with the lack of cash flow. I am extremely grateful for all he does for our family, but I carry a load too. It's not like I sit on my butt all day (although I think he truly thinks that a lot of the time). Last time I checked, I run this house. I make sure the kids have dentist, doctor, eye appointments. I make sure they get signed up for extra curricular stuff and help bring them/pick them up. I make sure that they get school projects done on time, I sign permission slips, report cards and every other piece of paper that comes through the door. I clean the house - you can imagine what the bathrooms look like with 5 males in this house. I cook dinner 98% of the time and not hamburger helper. I do my best and I fail at so much, but darn it, I don't need someone pointing it all out for me. For example, last night he says as we are both getting ready for bed "I'm out of socks and underwear." Ok, well, while you were down cellar doing your hour workout, did you happen to check the washing machine or dryer which is about ten steps to the left of you? Of course not. Your legs/hands/arms must've been broken (along with your brain). Today Jeremy and I have an eye appointment at 3pm which will mean the middle boys will come home to an empty house. They will likely be here for about an hour. I'm not worried. Our neighbor to the left and our neighbor across the street will be home and they are pretty good about grabbing a snack and doing their homework and I am only 15 minutes away. They also have the dogs and we live out in the middle of nowhere. When I explain to hubby about this, he asks why in the world I would make an appointment for that time. Um, hello. You should know since you go to the same darn optometrist that I don't make the appointments, they are given to me a year in advance. I then mention how nice it must be to make an appointment any time and not have to worry about shuffling children or making arrangements because while the middle boys will come home to an empty house, I will still have the two little ones who will drive me to distraction because the eye doctor's office is the size of a postage stamp and they aren't exactly quiet. All he has to do is go - no worries about who is home, who he has to bring. Heck, I haven't had my hair cut since the beginning of December because I just haven't been able to fit it in without children AND money has been so tight. He goes every 3 weeks - by himself - whenever he wants.

Gosh, I'm starting to feel like I have quite a weight strapped to me, but I'm not allowed to vent, have a migraine or even voice a bit of displeasure because what he does is so much more important and shouldn't I know this? When I was so sick last month, I didn't get any help. No one was doing my chores - cleaning the house, doing the laundry, taking care of the kids, cooking supper. I didn't whine about it. I just did it the best I could (which sucked, btw...the house was a total friggen' disaster which makes me feel even worse.). I even threw a kick arse dinner party in the midst of it all. Why is it that I feel the need to explain myself in the first place???

Bottom line, I didn't produce this life we share all by myself. I didn't "put him in this position". He's never said those words to me, but I am almost certain there are days he thinks like that. Resentment is evil and will undermine any good feelings you have for someone.

I know marriage isn't hearts and flowers and stars in your eyes. We went past that point so long ago. In fact, I would even venture that things like what happened this morning hurt even more when what is at the core of your relationship is a feeling of being best friends. Words & actions can be so hurtful to someone's heart & soul and when you know the person as well as you know yourself it is so easy to step over the line and hurt them. Basically, instead of hubby caring about my well being, he found it easier to question my integrity. That's a killer, for sure.

So now I just need to get on with my day. He may apologize later or he may not. He's not that good at admitting he's wrong and sometimes he is so extremely chauvinistic I'd like to shove his face in a big pile of steaming dog doodoo. Thankfully, most of the time, there is good stuff between us. Happy stuff.

I think for today I'll just hang on to that, thank you.

I don't think it worked :(

So that cryoablation I had done a couple months ago hasn't changed anything. In fact, things have been about the same or worse each month. I know it can take up to 6 months before knowing for sure, but I am really bummed about it.

I did some 'net surfing on the subject and came up with adenomyosis. (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/Adenomyosis/DS00636) I don't like to self diagnose, but with the 'net, it is so easy to type in a couple of key words and find something that fits. It seems like a logical answer to my particular problem. If 6 months have passed and there is no change, I think I may have to rethink the whole uterus removal. I'm just not sure if not leaving the house for 2 days each month is really worth holding on to my uterus. I mean, it isn't as if I need the darn thing, right? I'm done having children. I don't know why it is so difficult for me to fathom not having that particular apparatus in my body.

My sister had her uterus removed at the age of 27. She had 4 children in 5 years and her menses brought the same type of crap I'm dealing with. She is now in her late 40's and is definitely experiencing peri-menopause. I guess I'm thinking I don't want to bring that on any sooner than I have to, you know? It's not that I mind aging really because it hasn't affected me much. I never got upset when I turned 30 and I'm not really dreading 40 either. Age is just something that happens...it doesn't define me and never has. I just don't know.

I feel really let down right now as I had pinned all my hopes on the ablation working for me...I hate my period. Really hate it. I guess maybe it is time for me to start thinking about what options are left. Baaaah. Stinkin' dirty menstrual cycles - what use are they when you're done having children anyhow? I think there should be a switch that shuts them off as soon as you've decided enough is enough....

Life is Randomness

Talked to C. last night at church before our Sunday school meeting. Hospice is now coming in for P. I don't think P. is quite ready to go though. He has yet to discuss anything regarding his funeral, etc. w/C. although I think I understand why. In all the people I have known who have died from a terminal illness (or someone like my nephew who was close before getting his new lungs), you have to come to a certain peace that what is actually happening to you is happening. I can only imagine the loose ends that need to be tied up and that there is some sort of acceptance that must be swallowed, bitter as it may be.

I am fully aware of what Christianity teaches regarding death, but I have to admit that being left behind is so hard regardless of what your brain says. Your heart says something different. My father will be dead two years this December and I still tear up thinking about him. I still miss him. Parents are your safety net no matter how old you are, I think. To lose them is a stark reminder of what you have become and what you have to look forward to.

On to Sunday school (I said it would be random, didn't I?).... It looks like I will be leading Jr. High/High School for the WHOLE year! I haven't been a youth leader in a very long time (since before Thomas was born). I am excited and nervous although the prep work is far less daunting than teaching the younger kiddos. In the winter months, we may even meet at my house at the dining room table. Our church has made some tough decisions regarding heating for the winter. With oil prices what they are, we cannot afford to heat the sanctuary. :( We are a very small congregation and unfortunately oil prices don't change because of this. I hope and pray that I am a well liked Youth teacher and that the kids actually get something out of it. Jr. high kids are not my favorite, but I am kind of burnt out with the littler ones so it was a good opportunity.

This Saturday is the family birthday party for all the September birthdays (there are quite a few). There has been quite a bit of family type drama going on lately which tires me just thinking about it all. I hope that things go smoothly. I have no desire for drama and hope that everyone else feels the same. I have already told myself that I am putting on a happy face and good attitude. Sometimes I feel very detached from the family because we always have done our own thing and because of prior commitments, we end up missing out on family things. In fact, because I agreed to fill in for the younger Sunday school this Sunday, we are missing out on a huge family gathering at an apple orchard. These are the times that I feel left out and not wanted. It seems changing the time is out for everyone else so we aren't included. That makes me sad, but I do understand. It just sucks nonetheless. We have tentative plans to attend our town's Family Day after church. The 3 younger boys are really excited about doing that although if Chris' brother and his girlfriend decide to stop on the way back to the Cape, that may be out as well. Chris and I are not planners by nature and things always get mucked up when we try so I guess like everything, we'll just go with the flow and what happens, happens.

Well, I s'pose I should be off...I have a cake to order (do you think they will be able to fit 8 names?), birthday gift shopping for nieces & nephews, an ortho appointment for Jerm, a color appointment (I have to be repinked) and a myriad of other things for today. Life could be better, but it's mine and because I know what other's are going through, I'll keep it. :)