It is 3:30am. I should be sleeping. I woke up at 1:46am with a start realizing that my hubby had not called or texted me since about 8:30pm when they had stopped for gas. I'm sure he didn't want to wake me and I appreciate it, but I worry. I would like to think that no news is good news. Yeah, I'm going to go with that because short of calling the hotel, I have no other way of knowing. I texted him and have heard nothing back in two hours.
So I can't sleep. My hubby being gone is rare and it is unsettling to me. Now, don't get me wrong, I like weekends away with my girlfriends or other family members. I enjoy getting away from the daily grind of housework and taking care of little ones (and the not so little ones), but I don't sleep well there either. Sleeping next to my hubby is where I am meant to be.
I cannot tell you how many times I have woken up from a horrible, scary dream and had him to comfort me or how many times his rhythmic breathing helped get me back to sleep because something else had woken me.
I don't like to sleep alone at all which is why David is tucked into my bed nicely right now. He knew as soon as it was decided that Daddy was going away that he'd have his spot. If you must know, this is the same boy who climbs in our bed almost nightly without much thinking. Knowing from experience, they stop eventually. Jeremy and Becca both climbed into bed with us regularly and suffice to say, they don't anymore. I love having my littlest boy next to me most of the time.
So today was a weird day. I worked all morning trying to get clothing (ties, shirts, pants) ironed and ready as well as baking some magic bars for their long ride. I started changing Em's clothes out putting the last of her summer dresses and clothing away or into a bag for donating right before they left. I felt so out of sorts. Depressed, but tired too. It was like I was living in a fog all day. I had planned on taking the kids to BIL & SIL's house for a birthday party, but it was 4pm - I was supposed to be there at 4pm - and I was just heading out to Target (which is 25 minutes in the opposite direction). I spent WAY more than I intended at Target and then came home to a supper of Taquitos. I know...my one guilty processed food pleasure and the kids love them too. I realized halfway through supper that we were out of milk so I took a drive to the convenience store and picked some up along with some vanilla ice cream. I decided Becca and I would have root beer floats after the kids went to bed. So glad I tucked a 12 pack away without anyone noticing beforehand. Jeremy would have totally drank away at my stash if he knew.
Tomorrow will be another long day. There is church (yuck - will this feeling ever disappear?) and all of the kids will have to come along. Usually Chris keeps David & Em because David thinks church is "boring" and has no problem speaking those words loudly so the congregation can hear him and Em, well, she is just a handful and has a hard time sitting still for too long. After church is Family Day up at the Senior Housing Center/park in town. Most everything is free and they have face painting, bounce house/slides, games, etc. all geared for the kids. Thomas will be joining his friend's family for the day after church and I will take Daniel, David & Em with me. Becca has friends she wants to hang with for the day - probably across the street in front of the library, but that's ok. After that, we will head home for a quick supper and then the mad dash to get school stuff done. Lunches, showers, milk money for the week. Maybe tomorrow night I won't wake up and not be able to sleep, but even so, I know once hubby gets home, I'll sleep better.
Off to see if sleep will come...it's almost 4am now. Even the extra 2-3 hours I might get now will make tomorrow easier.... a girl can dream.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
It's been awhile
It's been a long while. I haven't had the energy or mind to blog lately. The summer seemed to sweep by taking me along for the ride. I spend too much time on this darn computer anyway most days.
Today I feel sad. Not really weepy although it may come to that (note to readers: it came while I typed). I know that AF will be making her appearance soon so I'm sure that has something to do with my melancholy way. Not only do I feel sad, but I feel tired and not the tired that will be cured by taking a nap or getting a better night's rest. My soul is tired.
The last week has been a whirlwind. Dance started in full force right after Labor Day. That along with school open houses and keeping a routine was killer. On Friday morning I woke up, got the kids on the bus, grabbed my coffee and headed to facebook as always and found out that my godfather had passed away. My sister had tried to call the night before, but I wasn't home and her number comes up "unavailable" on the caller id so Jeremy didn't pick it up.
I wasn't close with my godfather although he and his family were always regarded as close friends of our family. My parents were very close with them before I was born and until we moved to Tolland and my parents got divorced. On a couple occasions I remember visiting their home with my Dad, but for all intents & purposes, the relationship was not the same after our move. The last time I saw him was 2.5 years ago when my own father passed away.
I attended the wake with Chris - bless his soul. I was surprised that the whole family remembered me AND remembered that he was my godfather. That was the first thing his wife said to me when I introduced myself (let's face it - it's been about 30 years since I've seen her. I have changed a little bit.) After attending the wake, Chris dropped me off at a high school friend's house where we had a girls' night get together. I drank 5 or 6 cosmos, gossiped and ate yummy food. That was the highest part of my weekend, I think.
On Saturday I watched the (ex)babysitter for my kiddos get married, but felt so uncomfortable around the friends and family gathered there. My heart was not feeling the joy it should have been. I was happy for them, don't get me wrong, but in the very depths of my soul, there just wasn't the joy that should have been there. This feeling carried over to Sunday morning when I had to attend church. I did not want to go. I do not want to go anymore. I don't know why, but it isn't joyful to be there. I just want to run away and not live next door. I miss Peter more than anything. I wonder why I can't close that chapter. It's been a year since he died and we are searching for a new pastor. Nothing feels right.
After church, I came home to bake a nectarine & apple cobbler for the Oktoberfest going on across the street at the neighbors' house. This ended up being the other highlight of my weekend. I mean, who doesn't like to see grown men in lederhosen? Our German neighbors are probably the best thing that's happened since we moved here 4 years ago. I love them and they love us. They had good Bavarian beer, pretzels, sausage, potato salad and a variety of other yummy food.
While I was in the kitchen preparing & baking the cobbler, the phone rang. First Chris' cell and then the house phone. Once we found the house phone and realized that Ed & Trish called, Chris took his cell and called back. I have seen my husband cry only once in the almost 23 years we've been together. This was back in 1989 when he left me in CT to work & live on Cape Cod. We were married months later (moved up our wedding) because we hated to be away from each other. Now I've seen him cry twice. His very dear friend (and Jeremy's godfather) passed away suddenly on Saturday from a massive heart attack. The regret I saw in my husband's face & tears was so evident that my heart hurt. You see, we've both been lax about keeping in touch. Ed was like a 2nd Dad to Chris. He started doing yard work for them when he was 14yo. They have no children, but I know they felt as if Chris was the son they never had. Regret will eat you up if you let it yet I know how Chris is feeling. I know the anguish of losing someone who was part of the glue in your life. This is the first time Chris has lost someone like this. He has lost two grandparents, but somehow while that is an awful feeling, it doesn't hit home the way a parent or parent type figure does. During all this, Thomas' friend came to pick him up for a playdate and the mom shared with me that her mother in law is actively dying. They had seen her that morning and she had shared with them that she was "so scared". How does someone make peace with dying? It's coming for us all.
My heart aches. It aches for Chris. It aches for Jeremy who is mourning the loss of his godfather and his first love. It aches for Thomas' friend's family. It aches for myself. I'm tired of losing and watching other people lose loved ones. I don't want to be the adult although I know time marches on and I have no choice. I want to know the secret of how you make things stop hurting so badly and I don't want my own children to feel this. It is such a helpless situation, I'm afraid. The only thing I can do is go forward. I can't change the things that are unchangeable. I can't keep my family & friends in a bubble. For all the hurt and pain you deal with in life, I have to admit that there is joy & happiness in equal measure. You can't have one without the other. All I need right now is some peace. Peace in knowing that things will be brighter. That I can keep putting one foot in front of another and do what needs to be done. That I can be a good influence on my kids and the people around me because honestly, right now, I'm not feeling good at all. All I feel is empty.
Today I feel sad. Not really weepy although it may come to that (note to readers: it came while I typed). I know that AF will be making her appearance soon so I'm sure that has something to do with my melancholy way. Not only do I feel sad, but I feel tired and not the tired that will be cured by taking a nap or getting a better night's rest. My soul is tired.
The last week has been a whirlwind. Dance started in full force right after Labor Day. That along with school open houses and keeping a routine was killer. On Friday morning I woke up, got the kids on the bus, grabbed my coffee and headed to facebook as always and found out that my godfather had passed away. My sister had tried to call the night before, but I wasn't home and her number comes up "unavailable" on the caller id so Jeremy didn't pick it up.
I wasn't close with my godfather although he and his family were always regarded as close friends of our family. My parents were very close with them before I was born and until we moved to Tolland and my parents got divorced. On a couple occasions I remember visiting their home with my Dad, but for all intents & purposes, the relationship was not the same after our move. The last time I saw him was 2.5 years ago when my own father passed away.
I attended the wake with Chris - bless his soul. I was surprised that the whole family remembered me AND remembered that he was my godfather. That was the first thing his wife said to me when I introduced myself (let's face it - it's been about 30 years since I've seen her. I have changed a little bit.) After attending the wake, Chris dropped me off at a high school friend's house where we had a girls' night get together. I drank 5 or 6 cosmos, gossiped and ate yummy food. That was the highest part of my weekend, I think.
On Saturday I watched the (ex)babysitter for my kiddos get married, but felt so uncomfortable around the friends and family gathered there. My heart was not feeling the joy it should have been. I was happy for them, don't get me wrong, but in the very depths of my soul, there just wasn't the joy that should have been there. This feeling carried over to Sunday morning when I had to attend church. I did not want to go. I do not want to go anymore. I don't know why, but it isn't joyful to be there. I just want to run away and not live next door. I miss Peter more than anything. I wonder why I can't close that chapter. It's been a year since he died and we are searching for a new pastor. Nothing feels right.
After church, I came home to bake a nectarine & apple cobbler for the Oktoberfest going on across the street at the neighbors' house. This ended up being the other highlight of my weekend. I mean, who doesn't like to see grown men in lederhosen? Our German neighbors are probably the best thing that's happened since we moved here 4 years ago. I love them and they love us. They had good Bavarian beer, pretzels, sausage, potato salad and a variety of other yummy food.
While I was in the kitchen preparing & baking the cobbler, the phone rang. First Chris' cell and then the house phone. Once we found the house phone and realized that Ed & Trish called, Chris took his cell and called back. I have seen my husband cry only once in the almost 23 years we've been together. This was back in 1989 when he left me in CT to work & live on Cape Cod. We were married months later (moved up our wedding) because we hated to be away from each other. Now I've seen him cry twice. His very dear friend (and Jeremy's godfather) passed away suddenly on Saturday from a massive heart attack. The regret I saw in my husband's face & tears was so evident that my heart hurt. You see, we've both been lax about keeping in touch. Ed was like a 2nd Dad to Chris. He started doing yard work for them when he was 14yo. They have no children, but I know they felt as if Chris was the son they never had. Regret will eat you up if you let it yet I know how Chris is feeling. I know the anguish of losing someone who was part of the glue in your life. This is the first time Chris has lost someone like this. He has lost two grandparents, but somehow while that is an awful feeling, it doesn't hit home the way a parent or parent type figure does. During all this, Thomas' friend came to pick him up for a playdate and the mom shared with me that her mother in law is actively dying. They had seen her that morning and she had shared with them that she was "so scared". How does someone make peace with dying? It's coming for us all.
My heart aches. It aches for Chris. It aches for Jeremy who is mourning the loss of his godfather and his first love. It aches for Thomas' friend's family. It aches for myself. I'm tired of losing and watching other people lose loved ones. I don't want to be the adult although I know time marches on and I have no choice. I want to know the secret of how you make things stop hurting so badly and I don't want my own children to feel this. It is such a helpless situation, I'm afraid. The only thing I can do is go forward. I can't change the things that are unchangeable. I can't keep my family & friends in a bubble. For all the hurt and pain you deal with in life, I have to admit that there is joy & happiness in equal measure. You can't have one without the other. All I need right now is some peace. Peace in knowing that things will be brighter. That I can keep putting one foot in front of another and do what needs to be done. That I can be a good influence on my kids and the people around me because honestly, right now, I'm not feeling good at all. All I feel is empty.
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