Perimenopause is a witch

I feel the need to write about perimenopause.  I'm here.  This is my life right now.  Honestly, I've had a few hot flashes and my periods are not every 28 days and not remotely like they have been the last 15 years or so.  My sex drive surges & wanes, but all that really isn't bothersome.  It isn't intrusive on my daily life.  It might be irritating for a day or a minute, but what really gets me is the damn emotions.  They are all over the place.  I cry at the drop of the hat.  Hell, I'm crying about crying.  Or all of a sudden I'm super bitch and I can't control myself (I really don't like her).  I can't stand the freaking roller coaster I seem to be on every.single.day.

I try to tell myself that it is a normal part of life and women have been doing this longer than I've been on this earth times a thousand.  My body is doing what it is supposed to be doing and it might go on for as long as 10 years. (No, thank you.  I'll take a zero.)  I know all the right answers, but living it is something totally different.

A week or so ago I cried looking at baby pictures of my now 17 year old son who is kind, loving and a generally good person, but I couldn't help think of how I could have been a better parent to him.  How I let him down on so many levels so many times.  It literally pains my heart just thinking about it and the tears start flowing.  What the?  Really?  If a friend told me this, I would tell her "Nonsense...he's a great kid.  You did a good job!"  But not for myself. 

This morning I cried looking at a wedding photo of my hubby and I.  Baby-faced and beautiful, the both of us.  I cry thinking how fast life has flown by and cry thinking about how lucky I am that he still rocks my world, but is it the same for him?  Do I still rock his world?  What the hell is wrong with me?  He tells me he loves me everyday.  Our sex life is fine.  Why?  Why does this happen?

I can't seem to shut off these very visceral thoughts and that is hard for me.  I grew up with the Great Wall of China around my heart and feelings.  It was something that I had to do to preserve myself.  No one, but a few, were allowed into where I kept my fragile self.  Then as I grew older (and bolder), I started to allow people in.  I realized most people are good hearted and kind which is a lovely thing, but I seem to have lost all control now.

Listen, I don't know why I am writing this except for maybe to just get it off my chest.  Especially now that I have no filter.  If you see me crying, it's probably just my whack job hormones taking a stroll.  No worries and feel free to move along, but if you get this post even a little bit, please let me know that I'm not alone in the utter craziness of perimenopause.