So the birthday and big bash party are over. Good times although I've come to the realization that parties held in my honor aren't as fun as I thought they'd be. I really am over being the center of attention. Now could someone please explain to me why the hell I feel like I am suffocating under sad thoughts and self medicating with food? I mean really? What gives?
I cannot put my finger on what the heck is going on in my brain. I feel down, but I don't know why and clearly eating cake for lunch and cheesecake for dinner is a self medicating thing for me. Sweets make me feel good. Of course, after I've consumed so much of them, I'm not feeling good. And sweet honey, my tummy is a flipping mess from all the junk.
I do not know why I am feeling sad. Things are going well here. Kids are doing ok except for the whole not listening part and total groundings that the middle boys are experiencing. Hubby and I are connecting on a regular basis and our relationship is at a point where I get butterflies in my tummy again just kissing him. There is plenty of work, food and we're catching up slowly, but surely.
Perhaps it is partly having a son that is about to graduate and has no firm plans for after graduation or just being tired of the whole dance routine which is quickly coming to an end for the year. I think most likely that turning 40 has brought about some feelings of "where am I going?". Me. What have I accomplished? I think I will always struggle with the fact that I haven't gone to college or had a major career outside being a Mom. Don't get me wrong, I think deep down I know that I am doing what I am meant to do right now, but that doesn't mean I don't think about what I could be doing once I'm done being a SAHM. I also look at my tired body and wonder why it was so easy to let it go and how freaking hard it is to make it into something I'm happy with. It feels like a never ending struggle to stay healthy and I never seem to lose any good amount of weight. Frankly, it's a real pain in the ass and I'm at the end of my rope struggling with it all. Knowing what you should be doing and doing it are two totally different things!
So right now I am going to put on some shorts, my running shoes and try to RUN the measly two miles up and down the side street. I am not bringing the dogs, but instead my iPod and I'm going to try and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. In the mean time, if you have any ideas on how I can get out of this funk, I'd appreciate it.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
My first post as a 40 year old
Pondering life at 40 years old?Damn...written out it sure looks scary, doesn't it?! It doesn't feel scary. I don't "feel" forty anymore than I felt thirty or thirty five or thirty nine. For me, it really is just a number.
I did have a sort of rude awakening at the Cape over Mother's Day weekend, however. I stepped out of the shower and because there is a HUGE mirror right there, I noticed that I have developed pretty scary "buh bye" arms. You know...the kind where they keep waving even after you stop?! I can laugh about it now, but it did hit me hard that I am indeed looking middle aged these days. My face? Maybe not so much, but the rest of my body is giving itself away!
I had a really nice birthday weekend. Rang in my birthday sleeping under the stars in my new tent and even newer sleeping bag with children, numbers 3, 5 & 6. Unfortunately, my air mattress has a leak so by the time 3am rolled around, I was basically sleeping on the hard ground. It gets pretty cold outside at night in May - just in case you were wondering. The best part was watching number 6 wake up and realize she had slept outside all night. It was magical.
I woke up for good at 5:30am, took a shower to warm my bones and got ready for a 5k. Wunned the 5k (walked/ran) with some great friends, came home, took some laundry off the line, took the tent down and put away all the blankets back into the linen closet and then physically hit a wall. I was wiped. I laid down for a nap for an hour or so and then we all headed to my BIL & SIL's house for dinner.
Enjoyable dinner, but came home with a kickin' migraine so I basically took some meds and hit the sack. Now I'm looking forward to my big birthday bash this weekend. Can't wait to see friends & extended family and celebrate my milestone with the people I love best. Life is good. Damn good.
I'm going to leave you with some pictures from outside around the house. The bumblebee pictures were taken close to my clothesline on the perimeter of the garden. I love the bees...they buzz around doing their thing as I quietly do my thing hanging up my laundry and pondering things in life. The irises are near the chaise lounge shaped rock in the grassy U-shape of the driveway and my garden is tilled and ready for planting - hopefully this weekend.
My friend the bumblebee
Iris
Garden tilled & ready for planting
Another favorite - buttercups
Monday, May 10, 2010
Family Friends
I've extolled the virtues of women friends here before - the incredulous state that having so many of them has left me in when I think about it. I haven't shared about my female familial friendships, however, and after this past weekend, it seemed to me that I should.
My own sister was my best girl friend for years and years. We drifted apart for awhile, but are slowly finding our way back to each other. We both have changed over the years and we both are in totally different places in our life, but we will always have a sister bond that ties our hearts. It doesn't matter how many miles or years seem to come between either. She probably knows more about me than anyone except for my husband and I know if I ever needed anything, my sister would move a mountain to get it to me. We are family, through & through, and no one could ever break that bond.
My husband's sister is my "sistah from another mistah". Yes, that is what I call her. She can make me LAUGH. And when I say laugh, I mean huge belly laughs that come from your toes. The kind that tears stream down your face and your abs feel like you've done at least 200 crunches or the kind that make you spew hot coffee onto your computer screen. We text each other almost every single day and I can say that she is definitely the Thelma to my Louise. We have shared so much in the last 23+ years...tears, laughter, anger....we've definitely run the gamut of emotions with each other and yet, there is no one else I'd rather have riding shotgun. "Hold on to your hats, boys!" will always be a phrase that makes me think of her and the good times we've had with our, now, big boys.
My younger brother-in-law's wife and I haven't always had the most comfortable relationship, but with baby steps we find it easier to love & trust each other. Our children are certainly what ties us to each other. Their four and our youngest four share birthdays no more than 2 1/2 months apart - two having birthdays only 5 days apart. I have often remarked that our children continually show us the way to treat each other as they all have a strong bond between them from the 11 year olds down to the 3 year olds. Despite rocky times, we've shared many laughs and tears and I am blessed to call her my sister. I look forward to our journey together and believe that the rockiest of times are behind us.
My elder brother-in-law's wife is a relative newcomer to the family. She and I shared an instant bond for our childhoods were very common, but even more than that, we are the same age - not even a month between us. We share the bond of growing up with dysfunction & alcoholism. We share the bond of "control" which often gives us a good laugh (not us!?). It is almost as if we "mirror" each other on some level - seeing in each other the goodness & lovable parts that we can't or refuse to see in ourselves. She and I can talk deep or we can be silly school girls. The nicest thing is that it doesn't matter how many months flow between meet ups. We just seem to pick up where we left off and continue our journey together.
My mother in law - the rock & center of our family. She has over the course of 23+ years become my other mom. I love her, respect her and would do just about anything if I knew it would make her happy. She is strong yet tender - wise yet graceful and she gave me the most amazing gift which is my husband. Over the years I have found her ears are great for listening, her shoulder is good for a cry and most of all, her heart is always with her family which I am blessed to be part of. She also makes one helluva birth attendant and was in the delivery room for the last 3 out of 6 births. The thankfulness that I feel in having such a wonderful relationship with her is beyond any words known to mankind.
Add these family members to my already wonderful group of girlfriends and you can see just how blessed I am. How after almost 40 years, I am learning that girlfriends, do indeed, matter.
My own sister was my best girl friend for years and years. We drifted apart for awhile, but are slowly finding our way back to each other. We both have changed over the years and we both are in totally different places in our life, but we will always have a sister bond that ties our hearts. It doesn't matter how many miles or years seem to come between either. She probably knows more about me than anyone except for my husband and I know if I ever needed anything, my sister would move a mountain to get it to me. We are family, through & through, and no one could ever break that bond.
My husband's sister is my "sistah from another mistah". Yes, that is what I call her. She can make me LAUGH. And when I say laugh, I mean huge belly laughs that come from your toes. The kind that tears stream down your face and your abs feel like you've done at least 200 crunches or the kind that make you spew hot coffee onto your computer screen. We text each other almost every single day and I can say that she is definitely the Thelma to my Louise. We have shared so much in the last 23+ years...tears, laughter, anger....we've definitely run the gamut of emotions with each other and yet, there is no one else I'd rather have riding shotgun. "Hold on to your hats, boys!" will always be a phrase that makes me think of her and the good times we've had with our, now, big boys.
My younger brother-in-law's wife and I haven't always had the most comfortable relationship, but with baby steps we find it easier to love & trust each other. Our children are certainly what ties us to each other. Their four and our youngest four share birthdays no more than 2 1/2 months apart - two having birthdays only 5 days apart. I have often remarked that our children continually show us the way to treat each other as they all have a strong bond between them from the 11 year olds down to the 3 year olds. Despite rocky times, we've shared many laughs and tears and I am blessed to call her my sister. I look forward to our journey together and believe that the rockiest of times are behind us.
My elder brother-in-law's wife is a relative newcomer to the family. She and I shared an instant bond for our childhoods were very common, but even more than that, we are the same age - not even a month between us. We share the bond of growing up with dysfunction & alcoholism. We share the bond of "control" which often gives us a good laugh (not us!?). It is almost as if we "mirror" each other on some level - seeing in each other the goodness & lovable parts that we can't or refuse to see in ourselves. She and I can talk deep or we can be silly school girls. The nicest thing is that it doesn't matter how many months flow between meet ups. We just seem to pick up where we left off and continue our journey together.
My mother in law - the rock & center of our family. She has over the course of 23+ years become my other mom. I love her, respect her and would do just about anything if I knew it would make her happy. She is strong yet tender - wise yet graceful and she gave me the most amazing gift which is my husband. Over the years I have found her ears are great for listening, her shoulder is good for a cry and most of all, her heart is always with her family which I am blessed to be part of. She also makes one helluva birth attendant and was in the delivery room for the last 3 out of 6 births. The thankfulness that I feel in having such a wonderful relationship with her is beyond any words known to mankind.
Add these family members to my already wonderful group of girlfriends and you can see just how blessed I am. How after almost 40 years, I am learning that girlfriends, do indeed, matter.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Getting the lead out
This is what I need to do.
I started training in earnest today for my next 5k which is oddly enough on my 40th birthday. My knees hurt and my shins are killin' me! Running on the roads is far tougher on your body than running on the treadmill, that's for sure. Unfortunately, I would rather be on the road with the dogs than anywhere else at this point. It's time for me to put up or shut up.
Today I had a rather slow pace (3.4 miles in roughly 45 mins.), but I ran more than I have in a long time. I took the dogs with me again and poor Guinness was barely alive by the time we got home. She was foaming at the mouth and flopped down onto the tile floor as soon as we got into the house. Bailey was pretty worn out as well. Both dogs pretty much drank two bowls full of water after today's workout. I have a goal to make the loop (4.7 miles) in just under an hour BEFORE participating in the 5k on May 16th. I'm not sure Guinness is quite ready for almost 5 miles, but I would feel so awful leaving her home.
And that brings me to another question I am asking myself. Do I want to run this next 5k or walk it? I know I can run one. I've done it twice. Part of me feels that by me not running, I will be cheating myself out of something or not doing "my best", but the other part of me feels that I have already proven myself and if I want to walk, who cares? Decisions, decisions. Either way, I plan to be ready for it and either way, I know it will be fun.
I started training in earnest today for my next 5k which is oddly enough on my 40th birthday. My knees hurt and my shins are killin' me! Running on the roads is far tougher on your body than running on the treadmill, that's for sure. Unfortunately, I would rather be on the road with the dogs than anywhere else at this point. It's time for me to put up or shut up.
Today I had a rather slow pace (3.4 miles in roughly 45 mins.), but I ran more than I have in a long time. I took the dogs with me again and poor Guinness was barely alive by the time we got home. She was foaming at the mouth and flopped down onto the tile floor as soon as we got into the house. Bailey was pretty worn out as well. Both dogs pretty much drank two bowls full of water after today's workout. I have a goal to make the loop (4.7 miles) in just under an hour BEFORE participating in the 5k on May 16th. I'm not sure Guinness is quite ready for almost 5 miles, but I would feel so awful leaving her home.
And that brings me to another question I am asking myself. Do I want to run this next 5k or walk it? I know I can run one. I've done it twice. Part of me feels that by me not running, I will be cheating myself out of something or not doing "my best", but the other part of me feels that I have already proven myself and if I want to walk, who cares? Decisions, decisions. Either way, I plan to be ready for it and either way, I know it will be fun.
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