AF pillaged, stole, abducted, lifted, looted, pinched, pirated, swindled, thieved, withdrew....

........my Christmas joy.

Stupid. That is how I feel. Oh and don't forget incompetent, ineffectual, futile, worthless. Who doesn't love a good thesaurus?

Life is crazy and rude. Sometimes almost hopeless. I question what the hell I am supposed to be doing differently. How can I make things better? Easier? What lesson is the universe trying to teach me?

Some days I just want to stand up and shout "F&*^ YOU" to whomever is listening hoping that maybe someone up there gets the drift and leaves me the hell alone already.

Ah, who knew I could vaguebook on my blog too? Good stuff I tell ya. Terrific. Lovely. Special. Wonderful.

Must put my head back to the grindstone and hope that this mood passes quickly.

Oh P90X, Please help me!

I am bored with running/walking. What used to be fun and a great escape has turned into the dreaded. Not exercising is not an option for me. I hate it, but I know it needs to be done. For the last couple of weeks, I've done little to none. NOT healthy. I've had quite a few headaches and while some may be chalked up to sinus issues, some have been most definitely blood pressure related.

So because I am out of shape, I've decided to try P90X. I likely will do the "Lean" version which incorporates more cardio which is heart healthy (and likely to make my blood pressure get back to normal levels.) I "tried" disc one today. Chest & back. Yeah, right. Try kicking the ass out of my arms is more like it. Lots of push ups and pull ups. No, I can't do a pull up...I used resistance bands and still couldn't even do what they wanted me to because I don't have anything to anchor my bands to in the ceiling. At any rate, I'm sure by tomorrow my arms will have fallen off or be in super massive pain. Good thing I'll be doing something "different" then.

So I am hoping my 90 day journey results in a leaner, stronger me. At least that is what I'm shooting for. Oh and a healthy blood pressure....that would be good.

Feeling overwhelmed

Geez. Don't know if the weather is the culprit or what, but I cannot get out of my funk. I am dealing with family stuff that is not only pissing me off, but troubling my heart, the house is a disaster and all I want to do is climb into bed, lock the door and read. I don't want to be Mommy or Wife or anything else I'm supposed to be.

I think reading is like a drug for me. It takes me somewhere that isn't here. Not reality. I'm sure if I spent half the time I do reading on cleaning the house, I might not feel so overwhelmed in that area, but who wants to? Why mop the floors when it pours for days and the dogs and kids and hubby are just going to track mud throughout? Why cook dinner when you'll just have to clean up the mess after? Why get dressed when you will just have extra laundry? Yeah. I need to get a grip and climb the hell out of this hole. That's for sure.

I also need to run. 5k in less than 16 days. Ugh. I ran with the dogs day before yesterday and completed a mile in under 10 mins. That is something, huh? Who would have ever thunk I would be able to do that and not fall down dead? Now if I could just run 3.10 miles like that I'd be golden. I, of course, after running that fast, had to walk for a bit to catch my breath. The dogs were so energetic that morning. Well, until we were about 1/3rd of the way home and then Guinness was getting lazy. In fact, I really need to hop into some running clothes and go out right now while the sky is not dripping with rain. Yesterday I didn't think the rain would ever stop. I know we need the rain, but it would be nice if a month's worth did not fall in 4 days, you know?

I am headed to a GNO tomorrow. I was hoping it would be at a friend's house because then it would be about 2 miles from home, but for some good reasons, it is being held at a restaurant/bar in the town we grew up in. I was hoping to catch a ride and the hub could pick me up later, but it isn't looking promising. Oh well, guess I'll have to nurse a drink and have lots of water. I'm a grown up now, but one who is used to having the hubby drive during these things.

Speaking of relying on the hubby. He got a call from the oncologist yesterday. He had a cancer removed from his back a couple of weeks ago. No biggie. Well, when they did the lab work on the cancer, they found that there is more near where they took out the big chunk. Microscopic? He has to go back and have his back cut open again. I'm a little bit freaked and a lot bit scared even though he reassures me that it isn't a "big deal". But it is a big deal to me. He is my whole world. I put my head down and get through the days because I long for the time it can just be him and I. That's not to say that I don't enjoy my kids and love them very much, but before there were kids, it was just me and my best friend. Him. Always him. Ever since I was 16. Maybe this makes me some weak, stupid woman because he is it for me. Maybe I have been stupid to make my life revolve around his? Ugh. Needless to say, underneath all the other stuff I'm stressing over, there is a part of me that is terrified about losing him because I'm not sure I would be worth anything without him. So stupid.

Well, if I am going to have any chance of keeping myself together today, I better stop here. Pull myself together. Go for a run. And get through today. One day at a time. Right?

Vagueblogging at its best

Have you ever had the feeling that someone was purposefully trying to keep you out, but allowing you to remain on the fringes so that it didn't look like they were trying to get rid of you?

Ah, such is life. My hubby said that things don't bother him because he only gives energy to those people he actually cares about. He told me to focus my energy on the people that I would mourn if they walked out of my life. He's really good about getting above the BS. One of the many things I love about him.

I've been hangin' with a sick number 5 this week. Fever & cough. Just treating the fever and giving benedryl since the cough seems to be a nasal drip type. Perhaps a viral thing with some allergies....If the fever doesn't break today, I may take him in to the doc tomorrow so that they can take a quick listen to his lungs. I hate trying to get an appt. on the weekends and I never know who is on call.

Also waiting on a call from my sister. About my mom. Doesn't sound good. I am stressing over it and hoping that it is something that can be taken care of with little help because my brother is already dealing with a mother in law with stage 4 breast cancer that has metastasized into her spine...I cannot imagine what my sister in law is going through and my heart breaks for her.

My mother has Alzheimer's. Her Alzheimer's was brought on, in my opinion, by a GP who put her on two types of antidepressants at once (one being Prozac). She went into a stupor and never recovered. Do I think she would have had Alzheimer's anyway? Yep. My grandmother did too. I would venture to guess that it is in my future too. Anyway, her meds don't seem to be working as well anymore and for a good while, my stepfather had convinced her that they were "too expensive" so she stopped getting them. And this was while he was busy writing checks to his daughter and son in law for thousands of dollars. But no, the $200/month pills were just TOO expensive. Asshole. Yet, there she is trying to take care of him. She can't even take care of herself anymore and I am guessing that they are at the end of living on their own. I am angry that my mother has allowed her life to be swallowed up by a man who has taken every good minute of her life and turned it into serving him AND I am angry at my mother for allowing it.

I have never been close to my mom. She left my father when I was 5. They were divorced by the time I was 6. I woke up one morning and she was gone. No explanations. Nothing. Do I think she should have left my father? Absolutely. Do I think she did it in a totally selfish way? Yep. Maybe I haven't forgiven her after all these years. I will say that having children, I cannot even imagine EVER leaving them. You would have to pry my cold dead hands off the door frame before I would leave them like she left me. Perhaps my forgiveness will never go to the depths it has to for healing. I do not know.

So now I wait. The bad daughter. The one who is so caught up in her own life that her mother is on the peripheral. I own it. I just don't know how to change it and I think really that I must not want to since I haven't. Maybe I just need to own that ugly bit too. Hah...I can see the irony of where this blog started and where it has ended.

Karma certainly is a bitch, isn't it?

"Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare

Truer words were never spoken as I've realized over the last couple of days.

I am, by nature, a private person. I do not like to share any of my unhappy parts with others. I do not know why this is, but it is indeed the way I am. Perhaps it has something to do with the terror of being disliked or ridiculed that I've carried for so many years. I wonder if maybe even most of us have this sense although in various degrees.

I decided to step out on a limb yesterday after reading the quote on a FB friend's wall. It was scary. Scarier than riding up the side of Mt. Washington in my truck on a barely 2 car wide road without guard rails. (Just so you know, just the thought of that particular trip while on vacation this year is enough to make me want to vomit - still.) I took a leap of faith and shared some very personal feelings with people I trust the most. I took the wall down and I am happy to say that I am still alive. In fact, once the wall came down and I shared my deepest hurts with them, I felt healing almost immediately. The well of my heart started to fill again.

I am still someone who wants to hurt in private, but the feeling that I shared and these people still love me...dare I say maybe even more...is like a breeze blowing away clouds and for that, I am ever grateful.

Goodybe to you /chop, chop/

So I received an inbox message on FB today. It explained how a group I was part of was deleting people based on their lack of posting/responses "due to the private nature" of the posts in the group. My immediate thought was, "Oh yeah - I haven't seen anything about that group come up in my newsfeed for quite some time". So I clicked on the Group and was immediately sent to my homepage. I tried seeing if it was part of my groups, etc. and found nothing so I'm pretty sure my lack of posting earned me the ol' axe-a-roo.

Honestly, I was a bit upset at first. I have "known" many of these women for years. How could I be axed? And then I thought, "Who really cares?!". And I don't mean to sound prideful or like I am better than anyone. I think it just dawned on me that the internet is not my main source of friendship anymore. I don't need that interaction like I used to. I have made some of my best friends because of the internet, but that particular group obviously wasn't high on my priority list and that being said, my lack of interest made me not very high on the group's priority list. I know I could have myself "reinstated" if I wanted, but I don't think I do. So yeah, go me for not running with my knee jerk reaction. I think I must be growing up. :)

&^%(@#$ BUGS!

I'm not a bug hater as a general rule. If they don't bother me, ie, invade my space, I don't bother them. BUT, this past week, I've decided that I HATE THEM.

It all started with Em's itchy head. Ok, so maybe there was sand in it. Those darn kids are always throwing sand at each other or dumping it over themselves despite being told not to. Scrub, scrub, scrub the scalp. Two days later, itchy again. Take a look and I find BUGS. Not sure what these bugs are. Head to see NP at Pedi's office and find out my little girl has lice. The NP checked my head and Viola - I have lice too! WTF? The little one hasn't been anywhere except dance camp and they aren't putting their heads together or sharing brushes or hats. I have it from sharing my brush with the little one. Light bulb moment. The big girl maybe has it? Rush home to find that the big girl has 'em too. BAD. Ahhh, but she is old enough to NOT share hats or brushes. How the? OHHHHH, the movies. /shiver/ Makes me leery about going to the theater. (See? I am so glad I didn't take her to see Eclipse. I knew those movies would come to a bad end.)

So we treated with the $100/bottle prescription lice treatment. We bought lice/nit combs for $10. We washed everything, bought new pillows and hairbrushes (which we haven't been able to use yet.) Knock on wood, but it looks like they're gone!

Head to my beautiful, lush garden with extra beautiful cucumber & squash plants. This is my quiet place. Solace. Notice a couple of plants are dying. Look closely and see bright funny shaped beetles scurry away. FML. Squash bugs. They will decimate anything squash related (cukes & pumpkins included) . Soon. I had them last year. Nothing I can do short of going out there and killing them one by one by picking them up and throwing them into a soap bucket. Dude. I don't have time for that. I'm so, so sad. I have looked online for treatments and the only organic thing that MAY work is Neem. That is, if I can find the stuff. I busted my arse in that garden. In the fall when the garden is done producing, I will leave out one plant for those damn bugs to attack. I will then poor alcohol or gas over the plant and light the sucker on fire because really, that is about the only thing I can do. Next year, I will also add a few planks of wood into the garden. Each morning I will have to check underneath them and kill the squash bugs that are left over. And I will have Neem on hand. And I will spray EVERYTHING with Neem.

Yeah, so right about now, I hate bugs. I wish they would just leave me alone and pick on someone their own size.

And suddenly I see

A couple months ago I was at the library trying to find some books that would be good and as is customary during my visits, my mind went blank on which books I would have liked to check out (I've started carrying lists now). I remembered a certain someone (thank you TL) mentioning the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon and figured I would check out the first book and see if it would be something I enjoyed.

Honestly, I had a hard time at first getting into the book. It takes a bit of the first book creating the scenes and characters, but once I was past that, a new world opened up to me. Each time I go to the library (about every 2 weeks or so), I check out another book in the series (I have just started the 4th book).

What has struck me the most in this series is the fact that I love my husband in the same way that the main characters love each other. Isn't that absurd? I have been thinking about this for the last month or so and feel so funny that a fictional book has been an epiphany in my life. I am quite sure that I live in reality and that these books are fictional, but I am also quite certain that my hubby is my personal Jamie Fraser - minus the red hair and maybe an inch or so in stature. It brings the books more to life for me. Draws me to them even when I should be doing other things. I have shared with the hubster what I think. I have told him that these books have really hit something that maybe I've always known, but have forgotten during the many years of babies, diapers, midnight feedings, etc. We are simply meant to be.

Some people don't believe in soul mates. I probably wouldn't either except I know I live with mine. I know that my hubby is my other half and 99% of the time can we can finish each other's sentences. It hasn't been all butterflies and roses. It hasn't always been a sure thing, but through it all, I know he is my best friend and I know that I am his. I would rather spend a day (and many nights /wink, wink/) with him more than anyone else. I jump at the chance to be alone with him and am really digging this part of our lives. I love that our youngest children are growing more independent each day and that leaves us with more time for each other.

So even though I feel pretty absurd for figuring this all out because of some fictional series, I am glad that I have. Being happy and in love is a pretty wonderful place to be.

Summer stuff

So we're in full swing of summer and I'm feeling overwhelmed and understaffed. Hah. I still have most of July and half of August to get through (our vacation falls in August so that will lend some much needed diversion). We're hoping to take a few day trips from our northern most NH perch this year. We've discussed Ben & Jerry's, the cog railroad at Mt. Washington and even some shopping in No. Conway. I'm most stoked for No. Conway and our usual trip to the most gorgeous Walmart ever. No seriously. Spacious, clean and a killer view of the White Mountains. I wish it were in my town.

Both eldest children are working. J full time and B part time. Each for their Dad. B also babysits for some friend's of ours when they need her. I'm glad that my bigger kiddos are not lazy. I mean, we all can be lazy, but when they have to work, they do it. B isn't even being paid by her Dad as dancing in company is a major expense for us. She realizes that she is doing a small part in paying her Dad back. A good lesson to learn young, I think.

I am trying to keep 4 little people from massacring each other. It isn't as simple as it sounds especially in the heat wave we've been experiencing. The library has offered some awesome activities, but by the time 4pm rolls around (when most of them start), I am done with kids. Momfail. We are tossing the idea of a pool around and I am pretty sure we will have one by August. It will be nice to have during my family reunion on Labor Day weekend especially if it is a hot one. It will also be nice for ALL the kids to know how to swim. The three eldest are fine, Daniel is just about there, but David and Emma are still very dependent in the water. I would love to see that change by summer's end.

We also have dance camp again this year. I put Em into a Ballet, Tap & Jazz camp on Tuesday mornings from 9-10:15am. Watching her in tap shoes for the first time is HYSTERICAL! Becca dances T & W from 7-8:30pm and Thurs. 7-9:15pm which is mandatory. So basically we end up getting about 3-4 weeks off from dance a year. I can see why hubby gets so frustrated with it because honestly, he does most of the drop offs & pick ups.

We also have had a house guest since school ended. While it isn't awful, there are some issues that I should have thought out and discussed before I opened my mouth and said everything would be ok for her to stay here. She is gone this week and will be back next for one week and then she is leaving the week after and we likely will not see her before her return to college in NY in late August. I think sharing your house with someone other than family is dicey even in the best situations. We are all used to each other's outbursts, bad moods, quirks, etc. To throw someone into the mix who isn't part of us makes it a bit uncomfortable on both sides, I'm sure. You live & learn, right?! I'm not sure that I would do anything different on this account, except be more forthright about her acquiring a job. That seems to be the only thing that really has bothered me.

As far as the rest - it's the same old, same old. One day at a time. Sometimes even one second at a time. Pushing on and trying to get through the days. It seems to me this is how life passes you by. When you are so busy using your energy just to get through the days, you forget to enjoy it. I hope some day I'll learn how to get by and still enjoy as much as possible. Life is really too short to not enjoy it all.

Saying goodbye and new beginnings

Saying goodbye:

to 3yo preschool
to EO Smith high school (at least for another 2-3 years)
to the childhood of my eldest (how did this happen so quickly?)
to Kindergarten
to 4th grade
to 5th grade
to 10th grade
to the many dreams I've had about attending college for agronomy(personally, this is a tough one and the mourning has just started)
to a year of 2nd Company at Dance Express

New beginnings:

Manchester Community College & Federal Student Aid forms
4yo preschool
1st grade
5th grade
6th grade
11th grade
picking up the "go green" thread in hubby's business and running with it - having something of my own so I feel like I'm contributing something...anything.


My heart is aching with all the goodbyes and is so heavy in so many uncountable ways, but I see a light - a hope for the future - in all the new beginnings. I am praying (literally) for my path as a mom, a wife and as a person to be clear. For God to open doors and/or (large) windows so I might know that I'm on the right path.

I'm not much of a friend these days and for that, I apologize. I'm so caught up in trying to manage the constant lump in my throat and the tears that never seem to be too far away that I have left things unsaid (like birthday wishes, hugs, kind words). I am having a hard time taking care of even the littlest of things. I feel like I am in "safe mode". Nothing gained and nothing lost. Just trying to get through the days.

Perhaps after this coming weekend (J's graduation from high school and B's tryouts for 1st Company) I'll be in a better place. I sure hope so. I don't think I can handle this much longer.

It's *THAT* time of year again!

Hell week.

Ok, well, perhaps I'm going a bit overboard with the exaggeration.

So we are drawing to a close for the dance year. Our recital is this weekend and it is being held at the Bushnell Belding Theater in Hartford. Our usual theater, the Jorgensen , on the UCONN campus in Storrs, is under a major renovation. Boooooo! Hisssssss! While I concede that it is a pretty cool honor to say that you've danced on stage at the Bushnell, I can tell you from a parent's end, it has been pretty awful.

First off, we could not barter our tickets this year. We had to schlep to the box office in Hartford to buy them (we don't have a CC). So that involved having cash. Cash to the tune of hundreds of dollars. Spring is a struggle financially every year for us, but it is even worse when you're in a financial hole and trying to get out. Ticket prices from D.E. were $15. The rest of the ticket price was all added stuff from the Bushnell. $25 each. Thanks. My butt feels GREAT!

Secondly, the Sunday show was already sold out by the time we had the cash to purchase the tickets. It was looking bleak getting tickets from the dance studio so I took matters into my own hands yesterday and contacted my friend, R., who has shown me the "Company Ropes" this year. By last evening, I had two tickets to Sunday's show. I guess it is strange that Chris and I wanted at least one of us to be at every show, but Sunday was the only day we could watch Becca dance en Pointe. I have never seen that particular dance and was bummed that I might only be able to watch it on DVD a month from now.

And last, but def. not least, tomorrow is full dress rehearsal. ALL DAY. We need to arrive at the theater before Noon and will not be done until after 5pm. My plan was to take the two girls and T. out of school for the day not remembering that T. has a field trip. Thankfully, he is actually visiting the State House and other landmarks in our capital city so after many back and forth phone calls with his teacher, I am picking him up sometime during the afternoon and he will likely be walking distance from the Bushnell - at least that is what I'm hoping for.

Today I have sewing (major sewing & not so major sewing) and a slew of errands to run. Hubby also gave me the go to purchase a flip video camera so I can video all the dances this year. Not sure I'll even be able to do that, but I def. will try.

And for those of you who know me, you also know that my tummy is in knots because I hate change. I was comfy at the Jorgensen. We've been going there for 9 years now. I don't even know where I am going at the Bushnell (although I do know how to get there now - thank God for small mercies). I am especially worried that I won't be able to keep up with all the hair changes or that I'll do something totally stupid and the big girl will be mortified that I'm her mother. It sounds so silly when I say that out loud, but definitely a real fear. I know I don't "fit in" with anyone else. I'm not girly nor do I know much about make up or hair. Being at these things brings me right back to being a little girl and never saying the right thing or having the right family life. Logically, I know that's crap. I hope logic wins out this weekend and that my emotions take the back seat for once.

And just because this week & weekend might not push me over the edge fast enough, looming in the background of my head is also the fact that we will have exactly one week off (from dance) and then tryout camp will start for those who want to tryout for competing or company. The big girl has to make 1st Co. this year because of her age. I hope & pray she does. Ms. B. did tell hubby that she's pretty sure she will, but it will really depend on the hired judges. On that Friday, Jeremy will graduate high school. I haven't even let my head go there. I can't. I.just.cant. /sob/ The next day will be company tryouts and a graduation celebration out to dinner for Jeremy. And that brings us to Sunday which is Father's Day. Did I miss anything? Can someone send me the WAAAAAAAHHHHmbulance now?

I'll just keep chanting "Serenity now!". That will help, right?!

Really?

So the birthday and big bash party are over. Good times although I've come to the realization that parties held in my honor aren't as fun as I thought they'd be. I really am over being the center of attention. Now could someone please explain to me why the hell I feel like I am suffocating under sad thoughts and self medicating with food? I mean really? What gives?

I cannot put my finger on what the heck is going on in my brain. I feel down, but I don't know why and clearly eating cake for lunch and cheesecake for dinner is a self medicating thing for me. Sweets make me feel good. Of course, after I've consumed so much of them, I'm not feeling good. And sweet honey, my tummy is a flipping mess from all the junk.

I do not know why I am feeling sad. Things are going well here. Kids are doing ok except for the whole not listening part and total groundings that the middle boys are experiencing. Hubby and I are connecting on a regular basis and our relationship is at a point where I get butterflies in my tummy again just kissing him. There is plenty of work, food and we're catching up slowly, but surely.

Perhaps it is partly having a son that is about to graduate and has no firm plans for after graduation or just being tired of the whole dance routine which is quickly coming to an end for the year. I think most likely that turning 40 has brought about some feelings of "where am I going?". Me. What have I accomplished? I think I will always struggle with the fact that I haven't gone to college or had a major career outside being a Mom. Don't get me wrong, I think deep down I know that I am doing what I am meant to do right now, but that doesn't mean I don't think about what I could be doing once I'm done being a SAHM. I also look at my tired body and wonder why it was so easy to let it go and how freaking hard it is to make it into something I'm happy with. It feels like a never ending struggle to stay healthy and I never seem to lose any good amount of weight. Frankly, it's a real pain in the ass and I'm at the end of my rope struggling with it all. Knowing what you should be doing and doing it are two totally different things!

So right now I am going to put on some shorts, my running shoes and try to RUN the measly two miles up and down the side street. I am not bringing the dogs, but instead my iPod and I'm going to try and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. In the mean time, if you have any ideas on how I can get out of this funk, I'd appreciate it.

My first post as a 40 year old

Pondering life at 40 years old?


Damn...written out it sure looks scary, doesn't it?! It doesn't feel scary. I don't "feel" forty anymore than I felt thirty or thirty five or thirty nine. For me, it really is just a number.

I did have a sort of rude awakening at the Cape over Mother's Day weekend, however. I stepped out of the shower and because there is a HUGE mirror right there, I noticed that I have developed pretty scary "buh bye" arms. You know...the kind where they keep waving even after you stop?! I can laugh about it now, but it did hit me hard that I am indeed looking middle aged these days. My face? Maybe not so much, but the rest of my body is giving itself away!

I had a really nice birthday weekend. Rang in my birthday sleeping under the stars in my new tent and even newer sleeping bag with children, numbers 3, 5 & 6. Unfortunately, my air mattress has a leak so by the time 3am rolled around, I was basically sleeping on the hard ground. It gets pretty cold outside at night in May - just in case you were wondering. The best part was watching number 6 wake up and realize she had slept outside all night. It was magical.

I woke up for good at 5:30am, took a shower to warm my bones and got ready for a 5k. Wunned the 5k (walked/ran) with some great friends, came home, took some laundry off the line, took the tent down and put away all the blankets back into the linen closet and then physically hit a wall. I was wiped. I laid down for a nap for an hour or so and then we all headed to my BIL & SIL's house for dinner.

Enjoyable dinner, but came home with a kickin' migraine so I basically took some meds and hit the sack. Now I'm looking forward to my big birthday bash this weekend. Can't wait to see friends & extended family and celebrate my milestone with the people I love best. Life is good. Damn good.

I'm going to leave you with some pictures from outside around the house. The bumblebee pictures were taken close to my clothesline on the perimeter of the garden. I love the bees...they buzz around doing their thing as I quietly do my thing hanging up my laundry and pondering things in life. The irises are near the chaise lounge shaped rock in the grassy U-shape of the driveway and my garden is tilled and ready for planting - hopefully this weekend.
My friend the bumblebee
Iris
Garden tilled & ready for planting
Another favorite - buttercups

Family Friends

I've extolled the virtues of women friends here before - the incredulous state that having so many of them has left me in when I think about it. I haven't shared about my female familial friendships, however, and after this past weekend, it seemed to me that I should.

My own sister was my best girl friend for years and years. We drifted apart for awhile, but are slowly finding our way back to each other. We both have changed over the years and we both are in totally different places in our life, but we will always have a sister bond that ties our hearts. It doesn't matter how many miles or years seem to come between either. She probably knows more about me than anyone except for my husband and I know if I ever needed anything, my sister would move a mountain to get it to me. We are family, through & through, and no one could ever break that bond.

My husband's sister is my "sistah from another mistah". Yes, that is what I call her. She can make me LAUGH. And when I say laugh, I mean huge belly laughs that come from your toes. The kind that tears stream down your face and your abs feel like you've done at least 200 crunches or the kind that make you spew hot coffee onto your computer screen. We text each other almost every single day and I can say that she is definitely the Thelma to my Louise. We have shared so much in the last 23+ years...tears, laughter, anger....we've definitely run the gamut of emotions with each other and yet, there is no one else I'd rather have riding shotgun. "Hold on to your hats, boys!" will always be a phrase that makes me think of her and the good times we've had with our, now, big boys.

My younger brother-in-law's wife and I haven't always had the most comfortable relationship, but with baby steps we find it easier to love & trust each other. Our children are certainly what ties us to each other. Their four and our youngest four share birthdays no more than 2 1/2 months apart - two having birthdays only 5 days apart. I have often remarked that our children continually show us the way to treat each other as they all have a strong bond between them from the 11 year olds down to the 3 year olds. Despite rocky times, we've shared many laughs and tears and I am blessed to call her my sister. I look forward to our journey together and believe that the rockiest of times are behind us.

My elder brother-in-law's wife is a relative newcomer to the family. She and I shared an instant bond for our childhoods were very common, but even more than that, we are the same age - not even a month between us. We share the bond of growing up with dysfunction & alcoholism. We share the bond of "control" which often gives us a good laugh (not us!?). It is almost as if we "mirror" each other on some level - seeing in each other the goodness & lovable parts that we can't or refuse to see in ourselves. She and I can talk deep or we can be silly school girls. The nicest thing is that it doesn't matter how many months flow between meet ups. We just seem to pick up where we left off and continue our journey together.

My mother in law - the rock & center of our family. She has over the course of 23+ years become my other mom. I love her, respect her and would do just about anything if I knew it would make her happy. She is strong yet tender - wise yet graceful and she gave me the most amazing gift which is my husband. Over the years I have found her ears are great for listening, her shoulder is good for a cry and most of all, her heart is always with her family which I am blessed to be part of. She also makes one helluva birth attendant and was in the delivery room for the last 3 out of 6 births. The thankfulness that I feel in having such a wonderful relationship with her is beyond any words known to mankind.

Add these family members to my already wonderful group of girlfriends and you can see just how blessed I am. How after almost 40 years, I am learning that girlfriends, do indeed, matter.

Getting the lead out

This is what I need to do.

I started training in earnest today for my next 5k which is oddly enough on my 40th birthday. My knees hurt and my shins are killin' me! Running on the roads is far tougher on your body than running on the treadmill, that's for sure. Unfortunately, I would rather be on the road with the dogs than anywhere else at this point. It's time for me to put up or shut up.

Today I had a rather slow pace (3.4 miles in roughly 45 mins.), but I ran more than I have in a long time. I took the dogs with me again and poor Guinness was barely alive by the time we got home. She was foaming at the mouth and flopped down onto the tile floor as soon as we got into the house. Bailey was pretty worn out as well. Both dogs pretty much drank two bowls full of water after today's workout. I have a goal to make the loop (4.7 miles) in just under an hour BEFORE participating in the 5k on May 16th. I'm not sure Guinness is quite ready for almost 5 miles, but I would feel so awful leaving her home.

And that brings me to another question I am asking myself. Do I want to run this next 5k or walk it? I know I can run one. I've done it twice. Part of me feels that by me not running, I will be cheating myself out of something or not doing "my best", but the other part of me feels that I have already proven myself and if I want to walk, who cares? Decisions, decisions. Either way, I plan to be ready for it and either way, I know it will be fun.

Did you ever have one of *THOSE* days?

Mine was yesterday.

It started off pretty decent. The kids got on the bus, I drank my coffee, started laundry....the usual. And then I noticed the school had called when I was out hanging a load of laundry on the line in gale force winds. Yes, I'm serious about the wind. The message that was left told me Em was in the nurse's office and complaining of a tummy ache. GAH.

I jumped in the shower, threw on some clothes, ran the blow dryer over my head a few times and was out the door. When I got to the school, Em started crying and telling me that she did not want to go home and that she was fine, but the nurse said she was pale & then flushed & then pale and yeah, so it didn't look good.

I strapped her into her carseat (while she continued to cry that she wanted to stay at school) and I thought I probably should have brought the vomit bucket. We made the 1.8mi. trek home and she did fine. No sooner than we walked in the door that she was asking for lunch. DUDE...it's only 9:30am. So she ate her snack of pretzel sticks & ice water. By 11:30 she was chomping at the bit for lunch. PB&J comin' up. Every time I went out to hang laundry she was right there with me. Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama as I am holding on for dear life to the line & clothes because the wind is whipping in a very bizarre fashion. I wondered if I would hit my head and end up in the Emerald City a couple of times.

So I am trying to formulate a plan for the day. I have promised whoopie pies & empanadas for the reunion committee. Eh, no problem. I get started on them. I also think about what quick and easy thing I can make for supper since it is a day that Bec needs to be picked up at school and brought to dance. That cuts more than an hour out of my schedule. I get all the cookie parts of whoopie pies made (chocolate & oatmeal) before I have to leave to get Bec.

Around 4:30p I tell all the kids to get into the truck (Chris had planned to be home, but didn't make it) and as I start up the truck I remember that I have very little gas. 44 miles until E. F&*^. I call the hubster and he tells me it is fine. I have plenty to get to Bec's school and to the gas station where we have an account. Ok fine. I make good time until I hit the main road. Traffic is unusually slow. All of a sudden fire trucks and ambulances race past and I see an accident right near where I need to take a right turn to get to Bec's school. I instead fly through the mall parking lot and bypass the accident all together. I finally get the big girl and we're off to dance.

We make it out of Willimantic when I notice the lights are not working near the highway. Sure enough the road is closed. DETOUR. But I don't know where I am. I don't have Garmin or TomTom. I do the next best thing. Follow the guy in front of me and hope he knows where he is going. We get through and are on the main road again. I think, ok, we should be ok on gas still....we don't have THAT much longer to go. Drive on a little way and WHA? Another F*%@ing DETOUR?! This time there are a LINE of cars. Oh and we're on dirt roads and I still don't know where I am. I'm watching my gas gauge go down, down, down and we're still on dirt roads. Finally we get to what is part of the UConn campus, but by now I am a sobbing mess. I finally get my bearings and hubby tells me that he'll meet me at the gas station just a couple miles away. By the time I reached the gas station I had 8 miles to E. EIGHT.

I get some gas, hurry the hell up and get the girl to dance (we're late now). Run her in so I can pin her bra for her and hurry on home. I arrive home after 6pm. I still have to make dinner. I still have to make the filling for the whoopie pies. Heck, I still have to roll out the empanada dough, cut them out, fill them and bake them. So I get started doing 4 things at once (never a good idea) and have Thomas help me with preparing the gourmet meal of hot dogs in beans and homemade mac & cheese. No veggies because I'm such a good mom like that.

I then try to make the filling. I do everything wrong. I work too fast. There is powdered sugar EVERYWHERE. Dude...not even kidding you. I finally just break down and cry saying I just can't do anymore, make a small platter of whoopie pies with filling that is too runny, change my powdered sugar covered sweatshirt, try to make something out of my awful yucky hair and grab my reunion notebook. Oh and two beers. Hubby drives me up the street and I share my woes with the girls. I'm so glad I went. Because honestly, that meeting was the highlight of a rather awful day.

Some days you're the windshield and some days you're the bug. Yesterday, I was totally the bug.

I love sharing food

Yes, I truly do.

I not only love having people over and feeding them copious amounts of well cooked food, but I love to share my ideas. My problem? I haven't really thought through where the best place that would be. I sometimes share a dinner menu on FB and I've shared different menus here on this blog, but I really wanted to make a place that was just food related. Lately, many of my friends have started or are planning on starting food blogs and so I thought it was a great idea. So without further adieu, here is the address of my new food & recipe blog:

http://foodlovermeetsblog.blogspot.com/


Yep, Food Lover Meets Blog. BOOOOORRRRRINNNNGGGG. But, hey - that's me.

I tend to cook pretty traditional, but I do have a fondness for Italian cooking. I use a lot of chicken, ground turkey and we're slowly getting through the last of the pork from our pig (we're not doing another). Lately we've been experimenting with different (read that as "cheap") cuts of beef instead of my favorite beef loin. On top of cooking, I bake. I love making breads - quick & yeast. I do make cookies, bars & cakes, but I think breads are more my thing.

So if anyone who is interested would like to see the different things I cook, come take a look.

Coming up with a plan

So...hubby and I are in the midst of getting ready to change some eating habits. He is also beginning to analyze how to get more cardio into his already full, mostly labor intensive day.

What brought this on? Well, he has some spots on his skin that are troublesome and he also has tennis elbow which is extremely troublesome when it comes to the type of work he does. So he finally decided to find a doctor. /gasp/ Crazy thought, huh? He's a real forward thinker.

During his first visit to said doctor (and of course by doctor I mean physician's assistant because you don't really ever see doctors anymore) his blood pressure was pretty high. Even by my standards. Of course, they told him in no uncertain terms that he "needed" to be on BP meds. Right.that.minute. He refused. Now to give him credit, they did not take his BP a second time during that visit. Each time I've gone to any of my doctors (OB/GYN or GP), they always take it a second time after I've been there awhile and it always comes down to within normal or borderline normal limits. I was totally in agreement with him on refusing meds.

Now he went back again today. It was very high. BUT, they took it again. The bottom number stayed a bit too high...the top number went down to a reasonable place. The PA told him she wants him on meds. He refused again, but told her that he would watch his diet and add cardio into his life. I, again, am behind him 100%. He also realizes that if in 3-6 months his BP has not changed with a diet & exercise overhaul, he needs to be on the meds and will do so willingly.

So within this coming week, we are going to discuss how to change his diet. I can't say he eats awfully and at least one meal a day is home cooked and mostly healthy. We rarely eat fast food or even take out because we simply cannot afford it. I think, like me, the change that will work the most will be the cardio. He has a bike so I think he'll be going through it, giving it a tune up and using it. Thankfully all the younger kids will be able to join him (sans Emma) so I think that is awesome. He also mentioned getting a kayak. We live in an area that is full of places to kayak and we've wanted one for so long. I think this may be the last little push he needed to bite the bullet and get one. (He wants us to to have separate kayaks because of some nonsense of me not paddling when we used to canoe...pppppttttthhhhhbbbbbbttttttt is what I say to that!)

I am excited for this change and I am happy that he wants to be healthy. I hope the change is life long, mostly, because I would hate to lose my best friend.

Thankful.

That is what I aim to be today.

I am letting go of bad feelings (too bad PMS...you will not best me!) and replacing them with joyful ones.

I am going to look at the sunshine and my healthy children and thank God above that I am blessed beyond measure. I will NOT allow selfish or envious thoughts to control me today. I am loved and want to love back and you can't do that if your heart feels as black as coal. I am removing the black and replacing it with yellow. Why yellow? Because it is my favorite color and the color of sunshine & happiness to me.

Yeah, so maybe this reminds you of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", but perhaps that book (and subsequent movie) hits on a truth that we all need throughout the whole year and not just at Christmastime. Love is sometimes all it takes to change someone's day, week, year - LIFE. I aim to not only change myself, but to make someone else happy in the process.

Bring on the day!

How Witchy Can I Be?

Seems this little bit of witchy-ness comes to call at the same time every month...hmmmm, could it be the notorious aunt?

So this morning as I was browsing FB with my large cup o' joe like I do EVERY day, I came across something that pissed me off on a friend's page. Grrrrr... And believe me - no one else would have been pissed. It wasn't done with malicious intent or anything. Then I browsed a bit more, changed my status message and moved on only to be irritated by the SAME person who again did nothing wrong really. It dawns on me that maybe my problem really isn't the other person...maybe it is me!? /gasp/ How outrageous, right?! Like I could ever be anything, but wonderful. (yes folks, that was total sarcasm right there)

I'm thinking that this is a problem. First off, I'm not usually like this and truth be told, feeling like this makes me feel guilty and just plain bad. It is the absolute truth that being happy is WAY better than being unhappy. So I have decided to stop feeling/being witchy. I'm not sure how successful I will be since this is a very old habit and will be hard to break, but I am going to try. Until it works, though, you might wanna stay outta my way. /grin/

Questioning Me

I've been going down the road of "self appreciation" (for lack of a better term) for a couple of years now. I'd be lying if I didn't say that it was still bumpy at times. I will go along for a bit and feel good about who I am and know in my heart that people like me and then something small will happen and I begin to wonder.

That happened today.

I question myself over and over and over, ad nauseum. Am I too pushy, bitchy, self righteous, meek, silly, shallow, deep, etc.? And the thing is, I never get the answers because I don't ask the right person. I am afraid to ask the questions to whom I need to because I am afraid of the answers really. I'm also still afraid to throw that little piece of my heart out there and bare myself totally. If I keep part of me back, no one ever has to know that I can be hurt, right? No one ever has to know that I'm not always cool & composed and in charge of a situation.

Sometimes I wonder if others obsess the same way I do...You know, the whole "am I normal?" question arises more often than not. I think part of that reason is growing up with an alcoholic parent. I learned early on that my family wasn't "normal". I was taught that it was something you didn't talk about and that most people frowned on, but the thing is, as I learn to "like" myself and in turn really TALK to other people, I am finding that so many others didn't live "normal" either. I am learning that "normal" doesn't really exist.

Perhaps someday I will just be forthright with my words and not swallow whatever bitter is sitting there. Perhaps one day, I will believe in my worth as a person, friend, wife, sister, mother, aunt, cousin without wavering. At least I hope so.

Ode to My First Born Daughter

I am totally in love with my number 2 child - just the way a mother should be.

Oh don't get me wrong, we clash sometimes. We argue. We get angry at each other and I don't hesitate to call her out when she is being disrespectful, grumpy, irritating...any of those lovely things, BUT....

She is a breath of fresh air. Her smile lights up a room and my heart. She is silly and tender, but she also doesn't take any crap. In fact, I love that she calls BS out because I didn't learn that until much later in my life. She doesn't hold grudges. In fact, I cannot remember a time that she stayed angry with anyone for more than an hour or two at best. Many times, she will laugh before the argument is even over. In this respect, she is like her aunt and father. Neither of them are wired for grudges either.

Her God given talent is in dance - more focused on the choreography. She is amazing. And yes, I'm her mom and am very biased, but she has been told that by dance teachers as well. It is a joy to watch her in a dance that she has choreographed by herself. It is even more fun to watch her teach her 3yo baby sister a dance and have them perform for us. While I may complain sometimes, I love watching her take my iPod dock out of the kitchen and into the living room to see her dance her heart out. She is focused on where she wants to go and what she wants to do. I applaud her for doing what she needs to and for sticking it out through long days. I hope we can help her get to where she wants & needs to go.

She is not moody or boy crazy which is probably two of the things that I would hate the most. Oh sure, she gets moody, but it doesn't last long and it is usually the product of being over tired from her very busy school/dance schedule. And as far as boys, she hasn't gotten caught up the way other girls have. She likes a certain someone now, however, he is 18 and her father has forbidden any type of romantic links because she is not yet 16. They see each other at dance class, he's been to our home and for the most part it seems very respectful. For now, I think they are both ok with just being friends. I love the fact that she gets so excited and talkative when he says something nice to her and the fact that she runs in to share with me.

She also knows what hard work is. Oh believe me, she is a couch potato many, many times and there are days where she sits on the couch with the remote and only moves to go to the pantry, but if she has been given a job, she does it without complaining and gets it done. She often will help clean up around the house without me asking and I think she is actually looking forward to working with her Dad doing landscaping/fence work this summer to help pay for the extensive dance classes she takes.

I remind myself that for right now, I'm still her parent first and foremost, but I know there will come a day that we can just be friends and that makes my heart so joyful. She really is amazing and I thank God every day for blessing me with such an awesome daughter.

Less Judgmental

We all make mistakes. Some bigger than others. It is easy to sit and watch someone else make a mistake and be all over it with what they should have done when really all you want when you are the one making the mistake is some understanding, love and perhaps, even a bit of sympathy.

Becoming less judgmental hasn't always been an easy road for me. Being a part of that unnamed baby website's debate board gave me a really good place to start though. I learned through reading, debating, getting angry and sometimes even crying that it takes all sorts of people to make the world go 'round. My path is my own and I know that I cannot dictate what others choose to do nor can I be someone else's moral compass. We all have to live & learn in our own way.

I like the words of a popular song "...the more I see, the less I know...". It fits me a little better each day that I grow older. Some people say you get wiser with age, but I think what really happens is that you realize things aren't always black & white.

Worn out or rather, how did I become the worst parent on Earth?

More parenting the 18yo woes. I wish I didn't suck so bad at this stuff.

I realized yesterday around 4:30p that I had not heard from the big boy. He gets out of school around 10:30am and the hubby told me that he (the big boy) didn't have to work because of the rain. However, hubby did mention that the big boy needed to do an oil change so I didn't really think much about his whereabouts. Once I started to think, I started to panic. I called hubby and said "I assume that the big boy is with you?" to which he replied, "NO". GRRRRRR So where is the boy? Well he told his Dad that he was staying at school to work on his senior project. Ok fine. And then he was going to spend an hour with the girlfriend. More GRRRRRR. "Isn't this how babies are made?!" was the first thought that popped into my mind.

The girl does not come here anymore. Same girl as the one who broke his heart over the summer. I don't think she feels comfortable around us anymore which part of me is happy about and part of me is angry because that means the big boy doesn't come home. Oh I am trying to get over it. Really. But why her? There are SO many other fish in the sea!

So I text the big boy. I am angry. We've had this discussion about letting me know what the heck is going on BEFORE it happens. I get a reply w/apology and because I cannot read tone on text, I think he is being flippant. I immediately freak out and rip him a new bumhole. He freaks out back at me and we both immediately call the hubby to complain about the other. Oh, yes, we are so alike it is unreal. Not only am I angry now, but I am sobbing. I am slowly realizing that letting go does not get easier. Watching them make a decision (in this case, the girlfriend) that you think is the most asinine thing in the world, but cannot do anything about, is killer.

The strings are being cut left and right like a rogue pair of scissors gone wild and you have NO CONTROL. NONE. I am crying just thinking about the feeling. I am realizing in one crazy second that my boy is grown up and he will NEVER be little again. I won't ever have to kiss a skinned knee or hug a hurt away. I can never go back. I can never make amends for what has happened in the past. We have hurtled away from his childhood so quickly that my head and heart are reeling and I feel like I am sinking into a giant blackhole of the unknown.

I have lost something I never really had to begin with really. I have been his caretaker, his disciplinarian and his cheerleader for so many years that I've forgotten that my job was just for a little while. I did what I was supposed to. I might not have gotten it all right, but I did the best I could. I just wish I knew it would be over so quickly. Maybe, just maybe, I would enjoyed the ride a bit more....

Why I love the sunshine & laundry

The sun is shining - the sun is shining! LIFE IS GOOD!

I have thought of all sorts of things I want to blog about lately. I drive to Evil Mart or wherever and think of all sorts of interesting topics. Topics that require thought and common sense. And then I get home and I've got nothing! Zero. Zip. Nada! I guess I can only be smart, hip and funny while I drive. Such a shame that I can't drive & blog, isn't it?

So what can I blog about then? Well, a clean house for one. Ok, ok. A clean lower level of the house with the exception of number 1's room. Gah - don't go in there unless you never want to be seen again. Can he invite his girl over again? Seriously. That room was SPOTLESS when the girl would come over!

I never quite made it up stairs to the bedrooms to clean. Number 2 (poor girl...being called number 2 - eek - never thought of the "potty reference") did clean her room because she had a boy friend come over and the boys "tidied" their room (which really means hide all the crap under the bed & in the closet and anywhere Mom can't see from poking her head in the room.) My bedroom is also a disaster. Partly because all number 6's toys and clothes still reside in the back half of the room and partly because this room continues to be the catch all for things that have no other place. Having the master bedroom might have some perks (like being really large), but I'm tired of crap being stored here!

BUT, let's get back to the living room, dining room, kitchen & bathrooms. Yes, they are all clean. Fabulously clean. Of course, I scrubbed the floors and cabinetry, dusted, swept, vacuumed and mopped all for company to come over. I mean to say that these things all get done, but maybe not with the same ooomph as they do when people are coming to visit. It was gloriously clean, well, except for *those* things up on the top of the kitchen cabinets and china cabinet. Oh and don't mind the dusty, decorative vine-age on top of the window treatments in the dining room. If you're short like me, you don't even know that things are dusty & full of cobwebs.... (off to put those on my cleaning "To Do" list)

I also am caught up with the laundry. Oh yes, the weather has been so kind to me and my laundry obsession, er, I mean chore. There is nothing better than standing in the warm spring sun and hanging clean laundry. The smell is soothing and so is the silence because no one wants to do laundry. No one wants this chore. And why should I tell them about all the peace & quiet you have while doing it? I hope they don't catch on to the fact that it isn't work to me because so far, I've got them all fooled. Perhaps I ought to stop skipping with the laundry basket though and I think hubby is getting suspicious when I am up at 6am JUST to hang laundry before I have to go somewhere!

And speaking of glorious laundry - when I get home from doing volunteering and "real" chores this afternoon (like getting bread, milk & fruit), I will be hanging my window treatments & shower curtains out. The house will instantly smell amazing after they come back in. Springtime smell is so wonderful and brings HOPE back into the dreary winter filled house! I might even have time to dust & de-cobweb those lovely decorative items that are too high for me to see!

The sun is a glorious thing. I'm so glad it is back for awhile.

More random poetry

Turmoil in your brain
making you feel
things that
aren't supposed to be
there
Taboo
Wondering why
life has to be
complicated
when all you
yearn for
is
simple
Praying for peace
because
it is the
only
answer
Will you ever
feel
normal
The times that were
great
seem so far away
You wish you
were more
grateful
for them
then
but we all know
that things
seem sweeter
when you
are
bitter
Chin up
Saying that to
friends is
easy
Saying it to
yourself
is much harder
Life
goes
on
and
on
whether
you can deal
or not
Cue the crickets
and the
awkwardness
It's all good
We all
suffer
the same
fate one
day.

Meet up
see friends
make memories
take silly pictures
find sisters
from near and far
Never worry again
about fitting in
they love you
for who you are
and what you want
to become.

While my heart aches that I am missing a meet up this weekend, I hope everyone there has a wonderful time. :) Also realizing how blessed I am to have made even one meet up - my best girlfriends were made there!

A ramble about the lack of planning in my life

I'm ok with it.

Life that is.

It ebbs & flows and I pretty much ride the wave of where it takes me. Sometimes I wish I was more take charge and charted my course like so many around me. Truth of the matter is is that I'm not a planner and never have been. I have dreams, but I have a hard time making the plan on how to get to that point. I often figure that if it is meant to be, it will be and never think really think about how I might be able to arrange things to my advantage so I can make sure I get there. My dream of becoming a mom to lots of children and a wife to a great hubby has already worked out without much effort on my part. This is not to say that my marriage & mother duties do not require work...they require more than I have in me some days. Just that I didn't have to fight to find my hubby (I met him in high school in our small town) and well, childbearing came easy except for a few bumps in the road.

I often wonder if maybe I am too laid back. I mean, I am certainly anal about laundry and how the house should be cleaned, but I've also stepped back from that kind of "control" because really, if someone wants to clean my house or load my dishwasher, why should I care how they do it as long as it gets done, right? (As long as you don't touch my damn laundry! Ok, so some of my anal-ness is alive and well./grin/) I find that the older I get, the less battles I see fit fighting. I also see the same in my parenting which of course happened with my own parents. Once you get to that last one and you've already raised a few to adulthood, you kinda let things slide. I hope I don't let too many things slide with that little spitfire because there are some hard battles that really need to be fought and won by the parents...I hope I have the wisdom (and recollection) of which they are.

At this point, I am happy in my direction even if there are still some rough waters ahead. Things are going well enough. I see a light at the end of the dark tunnel that was winter and I'm sure the taste of warm spring days has certainly lightened my load up a bit. I guess I just wonder if God wants me to behave differently than I do....

Borrowing a page from my friend, Julie

So my friend, Julie, is turning 40 this year and she wrote this super cool letter of sorts. It was made up of the things that she wished she could have told herself beforehand in her 30's. I thought it was a neat idea and because I also am turning 40 in just two short months, I figured I'd borrow her idea. So without further adieu, here is my version.



Dear me of 1998/1999,

You will finally get that baby you've been praying for. Oddly enough after you miscarried for the 2nd time and had finally found peace with both miscarriages up at Gordon College during a Christian youth weekend trip, you were already pregnant. You didn't have to hold your breath on this one. This will be the shortest labor you will have AND you will do it drug free proving to yourself that you are more than capable. Oh and please don't forget about Bec. She may seem like a big girl once you bring the baby home, but she isn't. It will take you YEARS to fix this and more importantly, forgive yourself.

Dear me of 2000,

I know you are angry with your Dad and the fact that he is losing his mind. Forgive him and enjoy every minute with him. Once he moves to FL, you will only see him maybe 2 times per year. And he will never be better. It will only get worse.

Oh yes a surprise baby too. It's so hard to have them close in age plus have two in school, but you'll get through it. That job that you take at the mall will give you your confidence back as well. You will finally start to feel comfortable in your own skin and losing that weight will help. Oh and don't start smoking again...when you quit, it will be harder than any of the other times.

Dear me of 2001,

On that clear blue September day, everything will change. Everything. You will watch way too much TV for days and days and see the terror and it will change you. It will make you question why about so many things, but keep on keeping on. Hugs your kids tight and be grateful...every single day.

Dear me of 2002,

This is a good year. A happy marriage. Lots of friends. Enjoy every single minute. Really.

Dear me of 2003,

A positive pregnancy test. You don't know how that happened? The more precise question will be "WHEN?". This pregnancy and delivery will NOT be easy for you. I'm glad you are enjoying going out as a family with four children because things will change this time around. Put your big girl panties on because you're going to need them.

Enjoy your trip to Cali. Your nephew, although very sick, will eventually get his double lung transplant and he will be honored that you are naming the baby after him.


Dear me of 2004,

This new baby that was born on the last day of 2003 will not sleep. He will nurse constantly. He will scream like no other. He will smile, but for the most part, he will be miserable and so will you until you accept him for who he is. The quicker you do that, the easier it will be and you won't resent him anymore. I promise that huge changes will occur eventually and you will love him like no other. Oh and good job for not forgetting that the 4 year old at home needs you too. You're learning.

Dear me of 2005,

Your house is growing too small. The market is fat. You will sell the house. It will go at full asking price. You will find the perfect house and all your outstanding debt will be paid. You will also have a large chunk leftover. Don't spend all it. Put it away. A few years from now when the economy crashes, you'll be wishing you did.

You will say goodbye to your favorite Aunt this year from cancer. You will not get a chance to say goodbye like you want to. She will die before you get to her house that day. Remember to live your life in the same manner she did. Forgiveness will set you free.


Dear me of 2006,

Another baby - this time planned. You will get through the constant migraine that you go to bed with and wake up with for months on end. The blindness in one eye will go away as soon as your hormones stabilize. Forgive your husband for not understanding that when you said you needed help, you really did. He didn't realize how bad things were. You are strong and will get through all the bumps that come with the pregnancy, delivery & afterward. Just keep your chin up.

Dear me of 2007,

Losing your Dad will be the hardest thing you have ever had to go through. You will be ok until his body leaves the church for the cemetery and the bagpipes start playing. Let it out. It's ok. You will also learn that your elderly neighbor in your old neighborhood has died and you've missed the funeral (for which was for invited people only). Loss is awful. You'll get through it. You'll do it one day at a time.

Dear me of 2008,

You will make friends with a gang of girls. In fact, two gangs of girls. This time it will be different. This time you can trust in their friendship. They will be the best cheerleaders that you've ever had and they will tell you like it is when you need to hear it. This is the year that you will start seeing your worth...it is a long journey, but at least you will be on the right path.



Dear me of 2009,

You have girlfriends, a strong marriage & an awesome family...good thing. Financial troubles are about to rear their ugly head again and the support they give will get you through this year. One friend in particular will become someone that you confide in most. You will also lose someone you thought was a friend. It's ok. While you feel duped, cutting them out of your life won't be as painful as you thought because that person didn't care anyway.

Call your mother. No. Really. She has Alzheimers. You will beat yourself up if you don't.

Oh and one more thing...parenting Jerm won't get any easier once he turns 18. In fact, it will get harder. Although you think you've cut those apron strings, you tied yourself to him with something else. Letting go is hard, but necessary. He's a good kid.



Dear me of 2010,

Be ready for anything. The kids will always keep you guessing. You will always have to work on your marriage although there will be lulls so you can catch your breath. Again...call your mother. What are you waiting for?!

Mostly, keep the positive attitude about being 40. After all, it's just a number.

A night alone

I'm independent in many things. I've learned how to be by myself and deal with things over the last 20 years I've been with hubby. He works pretty long hours during the "season" and if it snows during the winter, he's gone until the job is done. You might say that I've done the lion's share of the stuff here at home while hubby is out busting his hump to make sure we can live. It certainly isn't the way we have wanted it, but it comes down to survival & living, really.

So in all my time alone, the one thing I really haven't had to do was sleep alone. I mean, hubby works long hours, but except for a couple of huge snow storms along the way, he is home. I've also done a few girls' weekends away and I used to visit my Dad in FL twice a year, but for the most part, I'm here. I like it this way. I feel safe this way.

So hubby is away for tonight. He could have chosen to leave last night and I would have been alone two nights. Could I have handled it? Well, of course. Do I want to handle it? Not at all. I guess that probably makes me pretty dependent, huh? I will guarantee you that I will get less sleep tonight than I did last night while I was worrying about him being away tonight.

I thought about this stuff around 4:30am when hubby kissed me goodbye to head off to his brother's house just over 2 hours away(he is doing tree work with him). When hubby and I started dating all those years ago we pretty much became one person in many, many ways. We are each others BEST friend. We are content to be alone with each other most of the time. We're not big on going away to do our own thing and frankly, as much as I love my girlfriends, if it was a choice of hubby and I hanging out in a hotel for a weekend or taking a trip with them, I would choose the hubby. (I hope this does not offend in any way...I'm just trying to be honest.) I actually visualized two small oak trees growing together into one large oak tree this morning and that pretty much describes us (and made me feel all warm & cozy inside).

Sometimes I wonder if we are too co-dependent on each other, but then I think "Who cares?" We certainly aren't hurting anyone and it works for us. I guess I will just keep telling myself that I can get through tonight and be thankful that I have found the guy who feels the same.

The simple happiness of a clothes line

Spring has popped its head up the last couple of days. To say that I've enjoyed it would be a total understatement. This winter has not felt as dark, gray & long as last winter, but it has come with its own kind of rottenness. Ongoing money issues with very little snow has made a financially difficult time of year even more so. We are surviving though and we have much to be thankful for.

I am longing to get outside. I am looking forward to planning out and planting my herb garden in the front of the house and of course, the vegetable garden has been a pet of mine the last few years. This will be the 2nd year we will make it bigger and hubby has promised to soil test it and amend it accordingly so that our crop will be as good as it can be under my less than expert hands.

Since it isn't quite time to garden yet, we did the next best thing this weekend. We bought some lumber & rope and built a clothes line. I am thrilled. Oh yes, I mean that sincerely. It boggles my mind on how happy this has made me.

I have NEVER had a line. I had never WANTED a line. I hated 'crunchy' clothes. I didn't want my undies out for all to see. Frankly, growing up with my Dad, we used a dryer. I mean, sometimes my clothes got hung out when I stayed at my aunt's or when I spent a week with my grandmother or something, but the only thing I ever thought should be hung out were bed sheets & bathing suits still wet after going in the pool. There really wasn't anything better than sheets hung on a line and well, bathing suits hung out just made sense.

So last year our neighbors gave us a brand new front loader. We have the biggest capacity front loader made, but our appliance guy told us that having another one would actually be a good idea since we have a large family. It would cut down on wear and tear. Great! Hubby finally hooked it up so I could use both washers, but the problem is that I only have one dryer. So I brought my cheap rolling wardrobe up from the basement and started hanging clothes on that in the kitchen/dining room in front of the woodstove. I mean it works, but looks kind of funny when you have company. Eventually, I moved it into a corner of our living room. On top of looking funny, it also was not large enough to hold a ginormous amount of clothing so I ended up hanging things in the upstairs bathroom as well.

After last week's stomach bug, I think every article of clothing & bedding was being washed so I had no choice, but to hang things from every single open spot I could in the house EXCEPT the bathroom since that was still being used heavily. While it certainly helped control the dryness we usually are dealing with while running the woodstove, it looked like I was running a Chinese laundry.

So today, I hung out clothes for the first time as a married mom of six. They were dry quickly in the warm, but windy weather. I brought them in to fold and I was immediately in love with the outdoor smell. The only question I have is why didn't I think of this sooner?!

Random

tears come
scared and worried
no control
eats away at the stomach
skin crawls
put yourself out there
only to be bitten again
always wondering
how to make it easier
when being quiet
is the only answer
and yet words spill out
disturb the delicate balance
silly tears
overwhelming images
in a scattered brain
love can lift
but the fall is disheartening
eager to change
make better
not alone
honesty
doesn't exist
make nice
but only for today

NYC Weekend

Finally writing about my first experience at a dance competition with my beautiful & talented eldest daughter. It was quite an experience...a bit overwhelming for this "not so girly" mama. It was held in NYC - one of the most amazing & fun places on the planet. San Fran is still my favorite, but I think NYC is a close 2nd and much closer to home.

Packing was interesting to say the least. We were charged $7 per bag by the hotel in exchange for them holding ALL the bags until classes were over on Sunday so I was determined to get away with as few bags as possible. Being the cheapy I am, I not only had a huge duffel filled with a small cooler and clothes, but another small suitcase with food and my iPod dock. Becca's dance bag was filled with costumes and our "bag o' tricks" for getting ready. Our room ended up being STOCKED with food and drinks thanks to my buddy, Rox, and I. I also had just enough clothing to get me through until Sunday which is good for me since I tend to over pack. Becca is just like me, but thankfully she got away with less clothing since Saturday & Sunday were dance days.

We arrived at the commuter lot right down the street from where we used to live at 7:30am. Buses were due to take off at 8am sharp. My tummy was an absolute mess as it usually is before leaving on a trip. We waited for Rox and Sam to arrive and then got out of the warm car and brought our bags to the bus to be packed underneath. There were 3 buses (one for each company) and we were on the middle bus (2nd Company). I found out quickly that the parents sit up front and the kids sit in the back. I was ok with this, but Bec was a little bit disappointed. She had wanted to sit with me. She still has not really "bonded" with anyone and I know there are some girls who still don't think she "belongs" in their group. She ended up doing just fine.

The trip to NYC was pretty quick and filled with lots of chatter and smiles. Bec's ballet mistress (whose daughter is also on 2nd Company) told me how far Bec has come since August. She said I would be amazed at my girl's progress. High praise, indeed. I'm sure I beamed for the rest of the day. Once we arrived and got settled into our room (and finally had our fridge delivered), we headed out to Times Square which was just blocks from our hotel. We were in and out of different stores just poking around. Around 2pm we decided to stop at Roxy's deli and get a bite to eat. Let's just say I had some major sticker shock when I saw the menu. No problem I thought - I'll just share with Becca....Yes, for $3 extra (sharing fee). So we did share two foot long hot dogs on ONE bun with a side of fries, beans & sauerkraut for a mere $20. My butt hurt after that meal and I was weirdly craving a cigarette. :oP

We headed back towards the hotel after our meal stopping at a few more stores (one being Toys R Us where Bec, Sam and another 2nd co. girl rode the Ferris wheel inside the store.) My favorite place of the day (besides the lovely smelling Hershey store) was Sephora. I could spend hours smelling the different perfumes. I, of course, could care less about the make up which made up the first half of the store. That kept the girls happy though. We did get to see some crack head Elmo's & Cookie Monsters on some of the corners. If you took your picture with them, they shoved a Christmas stocking in your face and asked for donations. Right before we hit the hotel again we stopped into an American Craftsman store. There were some beautifully carved puzzle boxes and the most exquisite sideboard table with a city scene hand carved into the middle of it. The girls asked if they could take a picture of it and while they did, some man bought the table! The table sold for $48000 including tax. We were amazed that someone bought it while we were there!

We chilled for a bit at the hotel and then decided to walk up to Dylan's Candy Bar. I knew that everyone would LOVE it and I was right. We had planned on doing Serendipity too, but when I went online to get the number to call for reservations, they had really lousy reviews and knowing how much money it cost to eat there, I figured it wasn't worth our time. We ended up eating dessert for dinner at Dylan's Cafe at the top of the store. Bec and I had NY Cheesecake sundaes, Sam had the PB sundae and Rox chose a carrot cake cupcake the size of a softball. None of us finished any of them because they were SO rich. We took our time looking around the store and then headed out. I showed them where Serendipity was (thank you to my favorite babysitter Elisabeth for taking me to both places many years ago) and then we checked out some store fronts before hopping on the subway back to the hotel. Bec's first subway ride was uneventful although she was nervous that someone would hold her up at gun point. Once back at the hotel, we pretty much got our pjs on and chilled. I can't tell you how awesome it was to have my iPod dock. Rox had some sleepy music that we stuck on repeat. I slept way better than I would have without it that's for sure.

Saturday started relatively early. I was up by 7 and jumped into the shower. The girls had to head down around 9am to get their $100 hospital bracelets on which would allow them into the master classes the next day. When they came back, we started getting them ready for their first number - jazz - MJ's "Bad". The hair was KILLER for me. Thankfully Rox was there to show me the way to proper hair (no wispy bits!). I swear Bec had about 60 pounds of gel, hair putty, regular hairspray and then the ever faithful Aqua Net on top. I used six million bobby pins, a few up-do pins and some specially curved bobby pins for her bangs. I also learned a new trick to getting her super thick and heavy hair into a manageable bun. Bec applied most of her makeup and then I did her eyeshadow. Once the girls had their hair, make up and costumes on, we headed down to our private conference room. Rox helped stretch all the girls and then 1st Co. went up to get ready to do their jazz number. 2nd Co. practiced their dance a couple of times and we went up to the ballroom to wait once they headed up to backstage.

I will tell you my heart was pounding. We watched 1st Co's jazz number (AWESOME) and then waited for our girls. I was a nervous wreck. I don't think I breathed fully until after they were done. It was amazing and emotional. I didn't cry, but I just couldn't catch my breath and there was a HUGE lump in my throat throughout the whole number. They did SO well and I was so proud to be a Mom to one of the dancers in that group. Once they were off the stage, we headed out of the ballroom and back down to the conference room to get the girls into their hip hop costumes. Many of the girls were complaining about a lump in their throats and/or their throats hurting after being on stage. Becca was crying because she felt like tossing her cookies. Thankfully after some water, gatorade and a few pieces of candy, whatever was there went away, but later I found out that many of the girls in 1st Co. had the same problem. I wondered more than once if the hotel's HVAC maybe needed a good cleaning and after seeing Sam's socks blackened by the carpet on Sunday after dancing, I wonder if the carpets could of used a good cleaning as well.

They readied for hip hop (1st & 2nd combined) and we went up to wait for that. They did AWESOME again. And again I was so proud to be a Dance Express mom. I was also glad that it was all over for me. Sam still had tap to go, but Bec and I were free from competition. YAY! My nerves were shot by then. We went for a late lunch at Ray's pizza (across the side street) and later went to a street vendor for dinner, but other than that, our day was spent in the hotel readying for dance or watching dance. The awards began a bit after 10pm. DE did very well although I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed with Bad taking 2nd place especially since that number won the Best Precision award. 1st Co. took first place for their jazz number, 3rd Co. took 1st place for their hip hop & jazz numbers and Senior Tap took 2nd place. We did not get to sleep until well after midnight and classes started at 7:45am sharp the next morning.

Our wake-up call was set for 6am because the girls wanted to go across the street and get Starbucks. Needless to say, I was awake with the phone, but no one else was. By 7am we were ready to hit Starbucks. We sat with the girls until it was time for classes to start and then we went back to the room to pack. The cruel curse decided to hit me a week early - probably because of the cyst that ruptured the weekend before. Good times although I was thankful I had stuff packed "just in case". We ended up hitting a late breakfast over at the Stage Deli with another 2nd Co. mom and then pretty much chilled in the comfy leather seats in the Lower Lobby of the hotel. Rox and the other mom headed to the Yankees store, but I opted to stay where I was. I pretty much took my shoes off, put my feet up on the glass coffee table, played with my iPod and dozed a bit. Once 3:30pm hit, we headed upstairs to wait for the buses. The plan was to get the luggage packed and all the parents on the buses before classes let out at 4:15. That way the girls could throw their dance bags into the bottom of the bus, grab a seat and we'd be off. The ride home seemed SO much slower and we made a pit stop in Darien at a rest stop off the highway. Most of us just wanted to get home. Thankfully the ride from Darien wasn't too long and once we hit the commuter lot about an hour later, my awesome hubby was there with a warm truck and strong arms to grab the luggage.

The best thing about going away for me is not the getting away from the everyday grind, but the coming home with a renewed love for my family. I missed them all SO much and by the response I got when I walked through the door, I think the feeling was mutual. Even my dogs were happy to see me!

The one thing I know is that should Bec make 1st Co. this coming year (she will not be eligible for 2nd) that Chris will be coming to NYC next year even if I have to start saving a couple dollars every week for it. He will HATE the day of dance, but I totally think he needs to see what this competition stuff is like and even though we have some other ones coming up, NONE of them will be in NYC. He is still not sure that he wants to, but I don't think he should have a choice. You can't understand what it is like until you've experienced it and believe me...I totally have.

Dare I say it?

Things are going well. /listens for sounds of epic fail/ Oh good - think I'm safe for the moment....

The big boy and I have had some talks. It is still so hard not having the control, but I think we've come to an understanding for the time being. He had his appt. with the pedi last week. The one asthma test that they could perform there was "borderline". The pedi does not think the big boy ought to join the military even if he somehow "passes" the other test that will have to be done at the specialist's office. Needless to say, this weighs heavily on number one. What now? We don't think he realizes that his choices are endless. He mentioned something about attending community college, but his heart is so not into it. I don't think we should throw money around just because he feels like it is the only avenue. I want him to really think about what he wants to do should these asthma tests prove that he is no longer fit to enter the military. I guess if I put myself in the shoes of an 18yo and the one thing he has had his sights on has been pulled from under him, I would be a bit downtrodden and hopeless. As an older & wiser parent, however, I just see one door closing, but so many are still open. The possibilities are endless...he just has to see that for himself, I suppose.

Other than the big boy stuff, things are going pretty well here. Money is still a huge issue (SNOW - WHERE ARE YOU?), but I'm trying to let that go so I don't waste time worrying over something I really can't change. Somehow we'll muddle through - we always have and always will. We're rather tough, I suppose. Lots of practice makes perfect. :oP

I guess no drama makes for a rather boring blog....Oh well. It's nice to be boring sometimes.

It comes down to not having control, I think.

I've been a bit silent the last few weeks since number one's 18th birthday. During this time I've been having a hard time digesting some stuff about number one, found out that a high school classmate of mine was one of the 7 CIA officials killed by a suicide bomber in Afghanistan and learned about some other troubling "extended family" news.

I've wanted to blog about everything, but my thoughts are so jumbled. As far as number one goes, there are days I want to throttle that boy and send him away from this house to go live on his own (that would teach him how good he has it here, right?). Right now, that is where my head is. I know that he is going through an issue that basically will decide whether he has a future in the USMC and it is weighing heavily on him. I've told him that he shouldn't worry about something until it happens, but also that he should start formulating a back up plan should the USMC become a non-issue. Most of you know that I would be beyond happy that Uncle Sam would not "own" my boy for the next 8 years, however, I know this will break his heart. Tough stuff for a Mom - neither thing will make me happy. Anyway, I am trying to choose my battles lately, but truth be told, I just don't have the energy to fight with him. He is Mr. Button Pusher in the flesh and my heart & brain are not in a good enough place to go head to head with him. So I seethe because I can't find a way to say what needs to be said without starting a war. Good times for us both, I guess. He also shared with us that he has picked up smoking. His Dad and I are just beyond sad and angry with him. So stupid on SO many levels. I'll just leave it at that....

Sad. That pretty much describes my week after learning about S.R.'s death in Afghanistan from another HS friend. The news flashes his picture over and over and over again and every time it takes my breath away and makes me so incredibly sad especially since he had made clear that he was ready to settle down and was anticipating the birth of his first child, a daughter. I didn't hang out with S. in high school. I didn't party with S. We ran in absolutely different circles, but our town was so small and most of us had gone to school with each other since Kindy that you "knew" everyone. I saw S. at my 20th reunion a year ago this past October. I have been straining my head wondering if I even said anything to him (I had been working the front table for awhile). Honestly, I probably had a bit of "high school-itis" which kept me from speaking to some people. I'm ok in little groups, but my worries about being "normal" in large groups still take over sometimes. Being Feeling like an outsider still rears its ugly head despite my best efforts to keep it at bay. Anyway, I did take some pictures of him talking as I was the "camera" girl all night. I wish I could go back and do that evening all over again. I would have talked to him and asked about his life since THS and likely would have met his wife too. Unfortunately, now I can only send on my two sympathy cards and hold on to my regrets.

The family issue isn't one I can speak about freely so I won't on this blog. I pray everyday that everything will be made right as easily as possible though.

My head and heart are so heavy these days. So much to think about. So little that I can control....