Sitting at dance camp with the little girl

Why is it that parents think it is totally ok to let their other children run rampant in and out of dance rooms playing with things (mats, trampolines)? I swear that for the last 3 weeks, these other children have raised havoc and the mothers sit there chatting like nothing is going on and it has gotten to the point that the owner of the studio (whom is teaching & I am paying for little girl's dance camp) has asked the boys to chill out/stop running/etc. This week, she asked me to keep an eye on them as her foster daughter is among the crowd (but is not disruptive). This burns my biscuits. Why the heck should I have to watch your boys? Why shouldn't you be getting off your butts and watching them yourselves? Ugh. Empty threats don't work. Parenting does. For God's sake...TRY IT! I understand that kids are kids. I understand that sitting at dance camp for an hour and 15 minutes really isn't their thing, but then bring stuff to keep them occupied. Keep them occupied in your eyesight and stop allowing them to act like a bunch of hooligans. For the love of all that is good and right, GET OFF YOUR BUTTS!

Worn out or rather, how did I become the worst parent on Earth?

More parenting the 18yo woes. I wish I didn't suck so bad at this stuff.

I realized yesterday around 4:30p that I had not heard from the big boy. He gets out of school around 10:30am and the hubby told me that he (the big boy) didn't have to work because of the rain. However, hubby did mention that the big boy needed to do an oil change so I didn't really think much about his whereabouts. Once I started to think, I started to panic. I called hubby and said "I assume that the big boy is with you?" to which he replied, "NO". GRRRRRR So where is the boy? Well he told his Dad that he was staying at school to work on his senior project. Ok fine. And then he was going to spend an hour with the girlfriend. More GRRRRRR. "Isn't this how babies are made?!" was the first thought that popped into my mind.

The girl does not come here anymore. Same girl as the one who broke his heart over the summer. I don't think she feels comfortable around us anymore which part of me is happy about and part of me is angry because that means the big boy doesn't come home. Oh I am trying to get over it. Really. But why her? There are SO many other fish in the sea!

So I text the big boy. I am angry. We've had this discussion about letting me know what the heck is going on BEFORE it happens. I get a reply w/apology and because I cannot read tone on text, I think he is being flippant. I immediately freak out and rip him a new bumhole. He freaks out back at me and we both immediately call the hubby to complain about the other. Oh, yes, we are so alike it is unreal. Not only am I angry now, but I am sobbing. I am slowly realizing that letting go does not get easier. Watching them make a decision (in this case, the girlfriend) that you think is the most asinine thing in the world, but cannot do anything about, is killer.

The strings are being cut left and right like a rogue pair of scissors gone wild and you have NO CONTROL. NONE. I am crying just thinking about the feeling. I am realizing in one crazy second that my boy is grown up and he will NEVER be little again. I won't ever have to kiss a skinned knee or hug a hurt away. I can never go back. I can never make amends for what has happened in the past. We have hurtled away from his childhood so quickly that my head and heart are reeling and I feel like I am sinking into a giant blackhole of the unknown.

I have lost something I never really had to begin with really. I have been his caretaker, his disciplinarian and his cheerleader for so many years that I've forgotten that my job was just for a little while. I did what I was supposed to. I might not have gotten it all right, but I did the best I could. I just wish I knew it would be over so quickly. Maybe, just maybe, I would enjoyed the ride a bit more....

Siblings, Parents and a couple of "Why?"'s

How do you stop your heart from breaking over your children?

This week has been different in our house. Our 17yo homebody has been gone since last Thursday. He's on a trip with his girlfriend and her family and due home sometime tonight. Throughout the week I've wondered how & what he doing. We've kept in touch via text and when I learned of the wild fires burning in his general vicinity, I called him to make sure he was safe.

It is funny how well I could read his texts and know whether he was homesick or having a good time. What I find even better is the fact that he misses - really misses - his siblings. Most of the time they drive him bonkers. He gets mostly irritated by T and this morning when I told him I was making cupcakes for T's birthday party at an indoor play place, my big boy told me to tell his brother that he hoped he had a good time tonight. WHAT?! Did I just read that text right?

It's magical and wonderful to realize that these children who can fight like cats and dogs also have the capacity to love each other and take care of each other. The few glimpses I get of the love make the fighting tolerable for the most part. I know underneath the sibling irritations are strong feelings of tenderness and love for each other. That is one of the things that makes parenting awesome.

I also have been counseling, via text, my son's issues with his girlfriend. While I like her and think she is a very nice girl, it is becoming obvious to me (and actually to hubby too) that she isn't very sensitive. There are things she does that are hurtful and while I don't think she sees them as such, she tends to get angry when called on them instead of being empathetic. We have stayed out of any squabbles (except I have told them both that the other can't read minds...a very important life lesson when it comes to serious relationships). It breaks my heart to see my son's heart hurting over someone he very obviously cares for. This part of parenting is so very difficult for me because I am a fixer. I want to fix it so that no one hurts or gets a broken heart and yet, I can't. And I know I shouldn't even if I could.

I wonder if my past makes me a bit naive when it comes to relationships as well. Honestly, I knew hubby was my other half about 3 months into our dating relationship. He knew it too. We were meant to be together, but knowing that at 16yo is not the norm I don't think. The fact that I was with my hubby when I was younger than my son blows my mind. By the time I was my son's age, I was engaged and had a diamond ring on my finger. Crazy to think about it that way. So when I counsel my son (or any of my other kiddos) on relationships, what do I have to go on besides my own? I tell them that I just *knew* that their Dad was the one. There is no other way to explain it. I did just *know*. I felt like God had whispered it into my ear and heart....while I'm not sure I believe in predestination on a whole, I think I was predestined to be with hubby. How will that help them though? I don't know that all relationships are like that. I also don't know if maybe you have to be ready for it to understand it.

So yeah, my son is on his way home in an extra cab pick up filled with 5 people and two dogs with a girlfriend who is angry with him for calling her out on something that is hurtful and I'm here and cannot do a dang thing about it except be available for texting.

So how do you stop your own heart from breaking over what your children are experiencing anyway?

On Dance Fest & being a parent

The first evening of Dance Fest was a success! Bec's self choreographed piece was AWESOME and I was super impressed. I mean, most parents are proud of their kiddos, but this went above and beyond that. To be able to think up a dance and then execute it in a pleasing manner is WAY cool in this Mama's eyes! I think Bec was in 5 acts all together. It is such an intimate theater that you feel like you are on stage with them. The other pieces were interesting as well. There is a MUCHO amount of talent in that school.


As promised, Bec's self choreographed dance did bring tears. At the very end of the dance, my nephew's picture in full Marine dress was up on the big screen. Bec had warned her aunt to bring tissues and we all needed them. I told my SIL that Bec may not wear her heart on her sleeve, but she feels very deeply - down to her soul. She misses her cousin and wants him to always be safe. I know when J makes his way into the Marines, it will be sad times here. Just a short private discussion of it has brought Bec & I to tears together.

It's hard being a parent. I think most parents would agree to that statement, but it is even harder when your children start making their own decisions. You realize what little control you had over them has slipped away. Now, to be perfectly honest, my big(ger) kids are good kids. I've not had issues with drugs or drinking (except for J's *experimenting* which we became fully aware of shortly afterward on both accounts) and for that I'm extremely grateful. I also have kiddos who will talk to me. Heck, get them into a car alone and the tongues never stop wagging. I love that part. I've come to understand that while teenagers can sometimes drive me to distraction, I also have a heart for them. I appreciate their struggles and can empathize with most anything they are going through. Part of me is so thankful of all the turmoil I went through as a teen because I think that is what allows me to understand & empathize. I also have the privilege to watch my SIL let go of my nephew and allow him to be an adult. Gah. It's hard watching them fly, but so rewarding because you know you had a small part of making them who they are.