How do you stop your heart from breaking over your children?
This week has been different in our house. Our 17yo homebody has been gone since last Thursday. He's on a trip with his girlfriend and her family and due home sometime tonight. Throughout the week I've wondered how & what he doing. We've kept in touch via text and when I learned of the wild fires burning in his general vicinity, I called him to make sure he was safe.
It is funny how well I could read his texts and know whether he was homesick or having a good time. What I find even better is the fact that he misses - really misses - his siblings. Most of the time they drive him bonkers. He gets mostly irritated by T and this morning when I told him I was making cupcakes for T's birthday party at an indoor play place, my big boy told me to tell his brother that he hoped he had a good time tonight. WHAT?! Did I just read that text right?
It's magical and wonderful to realize that these children who can fight like cats and dogs also have the capacity to love each other and take care of each other. The few glimpses I get of the love make the fighting tolerable for the most part. I know underneath the sibling irritations are strong feelings of tenderness and love for each other. That is one of the things that makes parenting awesome.
I also have been counseling, via text, my son's issues with his girlfriend. While I like her and think she is a very nice girl, it is becoming obvious to me (and actually to hubby too) that she isn't very sensitive. There are things she does that are hurtful and while I don't think she sees them as such, she tends to get angry when called on them instead of being empathetic. We have stayed out of any squabbles (except I have told them both that the other can't read minds...a very important life lesson when it comes to serious relationships). It breaks my heart to see my son's heart hurting over someone he very obviously cares for. This part of parenting is so very difficult for me because I am a fixer. I want to fix it so that no one hurts or gets a broken heart and yet, I can't. And I know I shouldn't even if I could.
I wonder if my past makes me a bit naive when it comes to relationships as well. Honestly, I knew hubby was my other half about 3 months into our dating relationship. He knew it too. We were meant to be together, but knowing that at 16yo is not the norm I don't think. The fact that I was with my hubby when I was younger than my son blows my mind. By the time I was my son's age, I was engaged and had a diamond ring on my finger. Crazy to think about it that way. So when I counsel my son (or any of my other kiddos) on relationships, what do I have to go on besides my own? I tell them that I just *knew* that their Dad was the one. There is no other way to explain it. I did just *know*. I felt like God had whispered it into my ear and heart....while I'm not sure I believe in predestination on a whole, I think I was predestined to be with hubby. How will that help them though? I don't know that all relationships are like that. I also don't know if maybe you have to be ready for it to understand it.
So yeah, my son is on his way home in an extra cab pick up filled with 5 people and two dogs with a girlfriend who is angry with him for calling her out on something that is hurtful and I'm here and cannot do a dang thing about it except be available for texting.
So how do you stop your own heart from breaking over what your children are experiencing anyway?
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I guess the real problem is that we can't stop it, but that doesn't make it any easier, I bet. I feel blessed to be able to learn from you as you parent your kids, and I hope to have the same sort of relationship with my kids that you have with yours as they get older. Love you, my friend! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm a fixer, too, Di. It's hard enough right now to watch my little kids make choices that I know will hurt them; I can't imagine the more grown-up decisions you're dealing with!
ReplyDeleteImagine how God must feel, watching us make the same dumb decisions over and over and over, knowing the hurt will come from them, and not being able to step in. That's the gift of agency, and it's invaluable for our growth. It's yet another example of the responsibility He gives us when we're given stewardship over our children.
I don't think you do stop your heart from hurting. I wish we could. Love you!
You really can't and the good thing about that is knowing that every hurt they feel is a step closer to being the incredible person they will be. We have to feel pain and disapppointment in order to grow and learn. The fact that he knows you are right there and that whatever happens you always will be..that's enough, it's what he needs.
ReplyDeleteLove you Di, Helen.
You're a phenomenal mom and just being there is what he needs. The fact that a boy of his age comes to you and speaks about what is going on is truly a testament to your parenting :).
ReplyDeleteHugest hugs are coming your way!
My heart ached reading that because I will never forget the first time G's heart was broken. He cried like I have never seen him cry before. I wanted to hold him and take away the pain...but I talked to him. Told him that their is nothing more painful then heartache. Remember how painful it is and make sure you don't make anyone else heart ache like that.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing mom with amazing children. Love you!
Oh dear! I can't imagine how I will cope when my kids get that age - I don't have any advice for you but to tell you that I *know* you will do the right thing. I think that being there to pick up the proverbial pieces is all we really can do as parents, in order to help our kids grow and mature. Of course, I say all this, knowing full well that my oldest will be 8 on Sunday!
ReplyDeleteI, too, knew that hubby was meant to be mine - only it was 2 days from when we first went out. It hit me like a ton of bricks frankly, but I knew that he was going to be my husband - that day, the day of my realization, was 13 years ago TODAY! Ack! How time flies! But it's really something unexplainable - I just *knew* with every fiber of my being that I was with my forever.
Hugs to you as you navigate all of this! It's even more scary, i think, than when they're newborns!