Bailey, shortly after getting off the rescue transport

Guinness and Bailey

Pup Bailey with old girl, Molly

Yesterday I said goodbye to another fur baby.  My beloved black lab mix, Bailey, went over the Rainbow Bridge with some help from our vet.  I rubbed his head and ears and sobbed while I held my phone so my boys who are both in the service could "be there" too.  He died in our front yard surrounded by the people who loved him best not far from where both his pals, Molly and Guinness, also took their last breaths.  He is buried in the shade in our backyard not far from Guinness. 

For the last 20 years or so years I have had at least two dogs.  Many years I had three if you include Jeremy's dog, Jameson, who is a permanent resident in our home despite Jeremy's change of residence about 3 years ago. We are now down to just Jameson.  I'm not sure how he will cope as he has never been without another dog as a companion.  I am most worried about the Fall when we all start back to school and no one is here to hang out with him on Tuesdays and Thursdays (I have a full class load both days).

I have loved all my dogs...and granddog.  The thing is, Bailey was MY dog.  He was my constant companion from the time we picked him up off of the rescue transport.  He was a stray and almost pure black so most likely to be euthanized when he was offered to us through the rescue service we used.  He was not like other black labs.  He was not high energy, playful or interested in playing fetch with a ball or stick.  He did love to run though and play with Guinness and Jameson.  He would tear through the yard at what seemed like 90mph.  He also loved to bite back paws when rough housing which would bring his playmate to its knees and he was fun to watch when he played.  And winter?  His most favorite time of the year.  I was amazed this past winter when I knew he was slowing down that he got outside and rolled around in the snow and was almost like a puppy again.  Whatever abuse he suffered before coming to us, here he received only love and devotion from every one of us - even Emma despite his bite to her face when she irritated him one too many times as a toddler.

I spent a lot of time with Bailey.  I followed a Cesar Milan approach with him and he was well mannered, followed commands - even hand ones, and was a joy to take out on leash.  He was often extremely shy around other people and was not fond of young children - never mean, just wanted to avoid them at all cost.  I can count on one hand the amount of people outside of our house that Bailey would allow to get close to him at first meet.  He was definitely a one family dog.  Again, never mean, just not sociable with people.  He loved other dogs, however.

He followed me where ever I went.  If I was in the basement doing laundry, he was in the basement with me.  If I was out hanging laundry, he was outside with me.  If I was up in bed, he was on my side of the bed on the floor.  My shadow.  My old man.  Simply the BEST dog EVER.  He loved car rides too and we took him whenever we could until his hips and eyesight did not allow him to get in/out anymore.  And he and Guinness were my running partners for a very long time.  Two leashes, two harnesses and they could never contain their excitement so getting the harnesses on was always a feat.  I tried to run once without Bailey.  He literally took the hit from the electric fence and ran after me.  He probably would have stayed right with me, but I was always afraid he'd get hit by a car because people around here don't always slow down the way I was taught to.

Dogs teach people love.  They listen to secrets and never tell.  Their fur dries tears that no other human knows about and they are always happy to see you, get pet, be loved.  They don't ask for anything in return.  They just love.  Unconditionally.  This is why it is so hard to make the decision to end their life.  These decisions never come easy and they are filled with such sadness and questions of whether you waited to long or maybe you could have waited longer.   The vet told us yesterday that it was definitely time.  He lived a long and good life surrounded by people and dogs who loved him and cared for him.

There is a HUGE hole in my heart right now.  It's the size of a medium sized, black lab mix named Bailey...I'm not sure it will ever heal.

And suddenly I see

A couple months ago I was at the library trying to find some books that would be good and as is customary during my visits, my mind went blank on which books I would have liked to check out (I've started carrying lists now). I remembered a certain someone (thank you TL) mentioning the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon and figured I would check out the first book and see if it would be something I enjoyed.

Honestly, I had a hard time at first getting into the book. It takes a bit of the first book creating the scenes and characters, but once I was past that, a new world opened up to me. Each time I go to the library (about every 2 weeks or so), I check out another book in the series (I have just started the 4th book).

What has struck me the most in this series is the fact that I love my husband in the same way that the main characters love each other. Isn't that absurd? I have been thinking about this for the last month or so and feel so funny that a fictional book has been an epiphany in my life. I am quite sure that I live in reality and that these books are fictional, but I am also quite certain that my hubby is my personal Jamie Fraser - minus the red hair and maybe an inch or so in stature. It brings the books more to life for me. Draws me to them even when I should be doing other things. I have shared with the hubster what I think. I have told him that these books have really hit something that maybe I've always known, but have forgotten during the many years of babies, diapers, midnight feedings, etc. We are simply meant to be.

Some people don't believe in soul mates. I probably wouldn't either except I know I live with mine. I know that my hubby is my other half and 99% of the time can we can finish each other's sentences. It hasn't been all butterflies and roses. It hasn't always been a sure thing, but through it all, I know he is my best friend and I know that I am his. I would rather spend a day (and many nights /wink, wink/) with him more than anyone else. I jump at the chance to be alone with him and am really digging this part of our lives. I love that our youngest children are growing more independent each day and that leaves us with more time for each other.

So even though I feel pretty absurd for figuring this all out because of some fictional series, I am glad that I have. Being happy and in love is a pretty wonderful place to be.

Ode to My First Born Daughter

I am totally in love with my number 2 child - just the way a mother should be.

Oh don't get me wrong, we clash sometimes. We argue. We get angry at each other and I don't hesitate to call her out when she is being disrespectful, grumpy, irritating...any of those lovely things, BUT....

She is a breath of fresh air. Her smile lights up a room and my heart. She is silly and tender, but she also doesn't take any crap. In fact, I love that she calls BS out because I didn't learn that until much later in my life. She doesn't hold grudges. In fact, I cannot remember a time that she stayed angry with anyone for more than an hour or two at best. Many times, she will laugh before the argument is even over. In this respect, she is like her aunt and father. Neither of them are wired for grudges either.

Her God given talent is in dance - more focused on the choreography. She is amazing. And yes, I'm her mom and am very biased, but she has been told that by dance teachers as well. It is a joy to watch her in a dance that she has choreographed by herself. It is even more fun to watch her teach her 3yo baby sister a dance and have them perform for us. While I may complain sometimes, I love watching her take my iPod dock out of the kitchen and into the living room to see her dance her heart out. She is focused on where she wants to go and what she wants to do. I applaud her for doing what she needs to and for sticking it out through long days. I hope we can help her get to where she wants & needs to go.

She is not moody or boy crazy which is probably two of the things that I would hate the most. Oh sure, she gets moody, but it doesn't last long and it is usually the product of being over tired from her very busy school/dance schedule. And as far as boys, she hasn't gotten caught up the way other girls have. She likes a certain someone now, however, he is 18 and her father has forbidden any type of romantic links because she is not yet 16. They see each other at dance class, he's been to our home and for the most part it seems very respectful. For now, I think they are both ok with just being friends. I love the fact that she gets so excited and talkative when he says something nice to her and the fact that she runs in to share with me.

She also knows what hard work is. Oh believe me, she is a couch potato many, many times and there are days where she sits on the couch with the remote and only moves to go to the pantry, but if she has been given a job, she does it without complaining and gets it done. She often will help clean up around the house without me asking and I think she is actually looking forward to working with her Dad doing landscaping/fence work this summer to help pay for the extensive dance classes she takes.

I remind myself that for right now, I'm still her parent first and foremost, but I know there will come a day that we can just be friends and that makes my heart so joyful. She really is amazing and I thank God every day for blessing me with such an awesome daughter.

10/28/86

The day Chris asked me to "go out" with him exclusively. 10/28/89 - The day we were joined in marriage.

23 years later and I am even more in love with him. Sure, there are days that I would like to throttle him and I'm sure the same holds true for him. There are days I rethink my choices I've made in my life thus far, but the constant is that he is my BEST friend. He always has been. I think is likely why we're still together. The butterflies in my tummy ebb and flow, but knowing I have another half is what keeps me going.

So happy anniversary to my best friend and hubby. Hope the next 20 bring as many blessings as the first 20. I love you the mostest, the bestest and all the muches...always & forever.

The Birthday Weekend

You've all been waiting with bated breath, haven't you? Hah! ;)

I awoke Saturday to sunshine (which we all know makes everything better) and I decided that I wasn't going to worry about my weight or exercise or food for the rest of the weekend. I was taking the next two days off and I wasn't going to feel guilty about it. Trust me, I didn't feel guilty about ANYTHING and today I jumped on the treadmill with maybe not *enthusiasm*, but without dread either.

We got on the road around 3:30p armed with J's Garmin and the hotel address plugged in. I actually dressed in something other than jeans and a hoodie which you know is my usual garb. Nothing terribly fancy, but it did involve heeled sandals and one of my most favorite dressy shirts. :oP

We got stuck on the Pike in the "cash only" lanes at the last exit. Let's just say that the first thing I did when I got home yesterday was to order a Fast Lane pass. I am hoping that my trips on the Pike are more plentiful this coming summer as I have dear friends in the Boston area that I would very much like to see on a more regular basis! You all know who you are! Natick for lunch anyone? Heck, I'll invite myself to Watertown if I have to....

When we exited out of the tunnel at Government Center/Faneuil Hall, I could see S & J waving to us from the balcony of the hotel we were staying at. How lovely was that?! We pulled into the porte-cochere of the hotel, paid the parking fee and left the keys with the valet. S & J brought us up to our room (which also had a wonderful flowered balcony). I think my chin dragged on the floor at the whole sight of it.

The bathroom was, to me, the most marvelous part. It was a fully tiled walk in shower that was bigger than a regular tub space. It had a rain water type spout along with a handheld spout and both could be on at once. I, of course, being the raucous type of girl I am, commented on it being a good shower for sex. (I don't know why we have 6 children....) The bathroom vanity was a rich dark wood with a bottom shelf that held thick, fluffy white towels and it was all enclosed by an opaque pocket door. Just outside the bathroom there was a vanity area and closet (which held a white, fluffy, thick bathrobe, I might add). The bathroom was luxurious and something I would love to have in my own home for sure. It felt like I was at a spa (but where the heck was the facial and massage, I wonder?)

The rest of the room was ok. The bed was comfy with lots of pillows and the TV was a large flat screen that sat on a armoire which held the way overpriced mini bar. The bathroom and balcony were definitely the highlights for me.

While chatting with S & J, S handed me a homemade card from her daughter, M. It was made with yummy smelly markers and I was in heaven. M is known for her awesome crafting/drawing ability and anyone who thinks I'm a rock star with pink hair is pretty awesome in my book!!!

S also gave me another card which ended up being from one of my besties, J. She had wrote a poem for me that made me cry. There are not any words to describe how much I love her back and one of the best things about Saturday was that she took time out to call me and wish me a happy birthday. She is one of the best...truly. My life is better for knowing her and I told the hubster later on that we definitely needed to plan a trip to Toronto as a family.

S then gave me a box and another card. This was from her and J and in the box was a very pretty silver bracelet with pretty & interesting beads. My SIL and MIL told me yesterday that if I ever got tired of it, they'd love to take it off my hands! :) The best part? S bought herself one too! We matched :)))))) YAY! There was also a hot pink Birthday Girl crown that I wore happily until after dinner when it really started to pinch my head. I have a feeling my girls will be fighting over wearing it on their birthdays as well. ;)

We parted ways w/S & J and the hubster and I changed into our dinner wear. The four of us decided to grab a drink before heading out to dinner. We actually sat at the fake Cheers at Faneuil Hall although it did bring back lots of lovely memories of June '08 and the first meet up of the LFFs. S and I pointed out to our hubbies where J. and I got lost (me lost with hot pink hair - go figure) and took lots of fun pictures with the Cheers cut-outs in the basement. It was apparent that it wasn't as funny to them as it was to us. Good memories of chugging $12 glasses of wine and the Croc store too. It seems like a lifetime ago....

We headed onto Hanover St and met C, B, R & baby S. There were pictures and gifts and laughs and a cute baby (who for the record was UBER good) and more pictures. After dinner there was a short walk and a slight wait for the cannoli. MMMMMMM....well worth the wait at Mike's Pastry. Did I ever mention how much I *LOVE* cannolis? I would probably knock down an old lady for one if it were the last one on earth. Yep. That is how much I love them.

Funny side story - long line at Mike's. Guys get into line and soon disappear into Mike's. J and the hubster finally emerge and the hubster is laughing because apparently J has loudly commented on the way out that he is so glad that they got the last 4 cannolis. Waiting customers - not laughing. Nope. ;)

We said our goodbyes to C, B, R and baby S and headed back to our hotel for a quick pit stop. We visited some bars and had a round or two in each. After closing down Todd English's restaurant bar, we hit the sausage street vendors and there were a few to choose from all within a hundred feet of each other. So there we were, four well dressed adults scarfing down a sausage in a bun topped with lots of peppers & onions. After drinking beer all night, it did seem rather fitting!

The next morning hubby gently woke me a bit after 8 (ahhhh, sleep). I generally do not sleep well in hotel rooms, but I was out like a light! We took our time getting up, showering and then grabbed a coffee at the Dunks next door. We headed into the lobby to wait for S & J and then we went to breakfast in the restaurant attached to the hotel. After that we retrieved our bags, checked out and headed home. The hubster and I toyed with stopping in Wrentham, but both decided we'd just go home. The kids did GREAT! Both the ones who stayed home and the ones who stayed at the ILs.

Around 3p we headed over to the ILs for a family get together with pizza & Dairy Queen ice cream cake. OMGOSH...YUM! Way better than Carvel. I opened my gifts and cards and enjoyed my time with everyone (although I was pretty tired by the end of the night). The stainless steel mandolin and the iPod docking station were the gifts from hubby and the kids and I was pleasantly surprised. I now have a way to listen to my music without the ear buds and it should make cleaning MUCH more fun! I also will be able to make potato au gratin a bit quicker and my potatoes will def. be more uniformly cut! My ILs gave me a hundred bucks to blow on myself (Wrentham anyone?) and my SIL and I are planning a trip to Whole Foods (LOVE that place) and lunch (her treat) so that is also very cool. I was more than thoroughly spoiled with everything by everyone!

While the birthday was everything I had hoped and more, I will say that when reality set in today, it was almost too much to handle. The best thing is that I know we will be doing it again and I'm guessing sooner rather than later. While the hubster is not a city lover, he even had to agree that Boston was "pretty cool". :)))))))

Siblings, Parents and a couple of "Why?"'s

How do you stop your heart from breaking over your children?

This week has been different in our house. Our 17yo homebody has been gone since last Thursday. He's on a trip with his girlfriend and her family and due home sometime tonight. Throughout the week I've wondered how & what he doing. We've kept in touch via text and when I learned of the wild fires burning in his general vicinity, I called him to make sure he was safe.

It is funny how well I could read his texts and know whether he was homesick or having a good time. What I find even better is the fact that he misses - really misses - his siblings. Most of the time they drive him bonkers. He gets mostly irritated by T and this morning when I told him I was making cupcakes for T's birthday party at an indoor play place, my big boy told me to tell his brother that he hoped he had a good time tonight. WHAT?! Did I just read that text right?

It's magical and wonderful to realize that these children who can fight like cats and dogs also have the capacity to love each other and take care of each other. The few glimpses I get of the love make the fighting tolerable for the most part. I know underneath the sibling irritations are strong feelings of tenderness and love for each other. That is one of the things that makes parenting awesome.

I also have been counseling, via text, my son's issues with his girlfriend. While I like her and think she is a very nice girl, it is becoming obvious to me (and actually to hubby too) that she isn't very sensitive. There are things she does that are hurtful and while I don't think she sees them as such, she tends to get angry when called on them instead of being empathetic. We have stayed out of any squabbles (except I have told them both that the other can't read minds...a very important life lesson when it comes to serious relationships). It breaks my heart to see my son's heart hurting over someone he very obviously cares for. This part of parenting is so very difficult for me because I am a fixer. I want to fix it so that no one hurts or gets a broken heart and yet, I can't. And I know I shouldn't even if I could.

I wonder if my past makes me a bit naive when it comes to relationships as well. Honestly, I knew hubby was my other half about 3 months into our dating relationship. He knew it too. We were meant to be together, but knowing that at 16yo is not the norm I don't think. The fact that I was with my hubby when I was younger than my son blows my mind. By the time I was my son's age, I was engaged and had a diamond ring on my finger. Crazy to think about it that way. So when I counsel my son (or any of my other kiddos) on relationships, what do I have to go on besides my own? I tell them that I just *knew* that their Dad was the one. There is no other way to explain it. I did just *know*. I felt like God had whispered it into my ear and heart....while I'm not sure I believe in predestination on a whole, I think I was predestined to be with hubby. How will that help them though? I don't know that all relationships are like that. I also don't know if maybe you have to be ready for it to understand it.

So yeah, my son is on his way home in an extra cab pick up filled with 5 people and two dogs with a girlfriend who is angry with him for calling her out on something that is hurtful and I'm here and cannot do a dang thing about it except be available for texting.

So how do you stop your own heart from breaking over what your children are experiencing anyway?