My first post as a 40 year old

Pondering life at 40 years old?


Damn...written out it sure looks scary, doesn't it?! It doesn't feel scary. I don't "feel" forty anymore than I felt thirty or thirty five or thirty nine. For me, it really is just a number.

I did have a sort of rude awakening at the Cape over Mother's Day weekend, however. I stepped out of the shower and because there is a HUGE mirror right there, I noticed that I have developed pretty scary "buh bye" arms. You know...the kind where they keep waving even after you stop?! I can laugh about it now, but it did hit me hard that I am indeed looking middle aged these days. My face? Maybe not so much, but the rest of my body is giving itself away!

I had a really nice birthday weekend. Rang in my birthday sleeping under the stars in my new tent and even newer sleeping bag with children, numbers 3, 5 & 6. Unfortunately, my air mattress has a leak so by the time 3am rolled around, I was basically sleeping on the hard ground. It gets pretty cold outside at night in May - just in case you were wondering. The best part was watching number 6 wake up and realize she had slept outside all night. It was magical.

I woke up for good at 5:30am, took a shower to warm my bones and got ready for a 5k. Wunned the 5k (walked/ran) with some great friends, came home, took some laundry off the line, took the tent down and put away all the blankets back into the linen closet and then physically hit a wall. I was wiped. I laid down for a nap for an hour or so and then we all headed to my BIL & SIL's house for dinner.

Enjoyable dinner, but came home with a kickin' migraine so I basically took some meds and hit the sack. Now I'm looking forward to my big birthday bash this weekend. Can't wait to see friends & extended family and celebrate my milestone with the people I love best. Life is good. Damn good.

I'm going to leave you with some pictures from outside around the house. The bumblebee pictures were taken close to my clothesline on the perimeter of the garden. I love the bees...they buzz around doing their thing as I quietly do my thing hanging up my laundry and pondering things in life. The irises are near the chaise lounge shaped rock in the grassy U-shape of the driveway and my garden is tilled and ready for planting - hopefully this weekend.
My friend the bumblebee
Iris
Garden tilled & ready for planting
Another favorite - buttercups

Emma Lou Who is turning 3!

Emma Elisabeth (couple of days old)

Can you believe it? My littlest girl is turning 3. Where does the time go?

These days everything is a struggle with her. She ignores direct orders, she whines, she screams and she acts like she is the ruler of the house all while opening up every single toy and leaving them strewn in all 1800+ square feet of our home.

Of course, she also thinks snuggling should be done often, she gives loads of kisses & hugs, tells us she loves us 1000x a day (doesn't matter that she adds "smell my butt" on the end of it either) and is totally cute with her infectious laugh. She is smart and loves to sing. I mean, she sings 80% of the day. Doesn't matter what. Sometimes she just makes up the songs. I love hearing her sing her ABC's. Or hearing her sing with the Casting Crowns CD in the truck when we're alone.

Emma Elisabeth 1st birthday 7-6-07


I am trying to remember that these days are short. The days where your children think you hung the moon & stars. I try to remember that I will blink my eyes and she will be heading off to her first day of school and then I'll blink again and she'll be off to college. I try very hard to remember not to wish one minute of any day away because I'll be that mom who will miss the chaos and noise. While I dream of quiet some times, I wouldn't want my home any other way. I rather like the chaos, noise, laughter & love that fills my home and I rather like the almost 3yo version of it.

Emma Elisabeth 2nd birthday 7-6-08

I wonder what the next year will hold for us and this little spitfire - our last child. I'm gonna hold on tight because no matter what, it will be quite a ride!

Love you EEK - you're definitely a keeper :)))))

The Birthday Weekend

You've all been waiting with bated breath, haven't you? Hah! ;)

I awoke Saturday to sunshine (which we all know makes everything better) and I decided that I wasn't going to worry about my weight or exercise or food for the rest of the weekend. I was taking the next two days off and I wasn't going to feel guilty about it. Trust me, I didn't feel guilty about ANYTHING and today I jumped on the treadmill with maybe not *enthusiasm*, but without dread either.

We got on the road around 3:30p armed with J's Garmin and the hotel address plugged in. I actually dressed in something other than jeans and a hoodie which you know is my usual garb. Nothing terribly fancy, but it did involve heeled sandals and one of my most favorite dressy shirts. :oP

We got stuck on the Pike in the "cash only" lanes at the last exit. Let's just say that the first thing I did when I got home yesterday was to order a Fast Lane pass. I am hoping that my trips on the Pike are more plentiful this coming summer as I have dear friends in the Boston area that I would very much like to see on a more regular basis! You all know who you are! Natick for lunch anyone? Heck, I'll invite myself to Watertown if I have to....

When we exited out of the tunnel at Government Center/Faneuil Hall, I could see S & J waving to us from the balcony of the hotel we were staying at. How lovely was that?! We pulled into the porte-cochere of the hotel, paid the parking fee and left the keys with the valet. S & J brought us up to our room (which also had a wonderful flowered balcony). I think my chin dragged on the floor at the whole sight of it.

The bathroom was, to me, the most marvelous part. It was a fully tiled walk in shower that was bigger than a regular tub space. It had a rain water type spout along with a handheld spout and both could be on at once. I, of course, being the raucous type of girl I am, commented on it being a good shower for sex. (I don't know why we have 6 children....) The bathroom vanity was a rich dark wood with a bottom shelf that held thick, fluffy white towels and it was all enclosed by an opaque pocket door. Just outside the bathroom there was a vanity area and closet (which held a white, fluffy, thick bathrobe, I might add). The bathroom was luxurious and something I would love to have in my own home for sure. It felt like I was at a spa (but where the heck was the facial and massage, I wonder?)

The rest of the room was ok. The bed was comfy with lots of pillows and the TV was a large flat screen that sat on a armoire which held the way overpriced mini bar. The bathroom and balcony were definitely the highlights for me.

While chatting with S & J, S handed me a homemade card from her daughter, M. It was made with yummy smelly markers and I was in heaven. M is known for her awesome crafting/drawing ability and anyone who thinks I'm a rock star with pink hair is pretty awesome in my book!!!

S also gave me another card which ended up being from one of my besties, J. She had wrote a poem for me that made me cry. There are not any words to describe how much I love her back and one of the best things about Saturday was that she took time out to call me and wish me a happy birthday. She is one of the best...truly. My life is better for knowing her and I told the hubster later on that we definitely needed to plan a trip to Toronto as a family.

S then gave me a box and another card. This was from her and J and in the box was a very pretty silver bracelet with pretty & interesting beads. My SIL and MIL told me yesterday that if I ever got tired of it, they'd love to take it off my hands! :) The best part? S bought herself one too! We matched :)))))) YAY! There was also a hot pink Birthday Girl crown that I wore happily until after dinner when it really started to pinch my head. I have a feeling my girls will be fighting over wearing it on their birthdays as well. ;)

We parted ways w/S & J and the hubster and I changed into our dinner wear. The four of us decided to grab a drink before heading out to dinner. We actually sat at the fake Cheers at Faneuil Hall although it did bring back lots of lovely memories of June '08 and the first meet up of the LFFs. S and I pointed out to our hubbies where J. and I got lost (me lost with hot pink hair - go figure) and took lots of fun pictures with the Cheers cut-outs in the basement. It was apparent that it wasn't as funny to them as it was to us. Good memories of chugging $12 glasses of wine and the Croc store too. It seems like a lifetime ago....

We headed onto Hanover St and met C, B, R & baby S. There were pictures and gifts and laughs and a cute baby (who for the record was UBER good) and more pictures. After dinner there was a short walk and a slight wait for the cannoli. MMMMMMM....well worth the wait at Mike's Pastry. Did I ever mention how much I *LOVE* cannolis? I would probably knock down an old lady for one if it were the last one on earth. Yep. That is how much I love them.

Funny side story - long line at Mike's. Guys get into line and soon disappear into Mike's. J and the hubster finally emerge and the hubster is laughing because apparently J has loudly commented on the way out that he is so glad that they got the last 4 cannolis. Waiting customers - not laughing. Nope. ;)

We said our goodbyes to C, B, R and baby S and headed back to our hotel for a quick pit stop. We visited some bars and had a round or two in each. After closing down Todd English's restaurant bar, we hit the sausage street vendors and there were a few to choose from all within a hundred feet of each other. So there we were, four well dressed adults scarfing down a sausage in a bun topped with lots of peppers & onions. After drinking beer all night, it did seem rather fitting!

The next morning hubby gently woke me a bit after 8 (ahhhh, sleep). I generally do not sleep well in hotel rooms, but I was out like a light! We took our time getting up, showering and then grabbed a coffee at the Dunks next door. We headed into the lobby to wait for S & J and then we went to breakfast in the restaurant attached to the hotel. After that we retrieved our bags, checked out and headed home. The hubster and I toyed with stopping in Wrentham, but both decided we'd just go home. The kids did GREAT! Both the ones who stayed home and the ones who stayed at the ILs.

Around 3p we headed over to the ILs for a family get together with pizza & Dairy Queen ice cream cake. OMGOSH...YUM! Way better than Carvel. I opened my gifts and cards and enjoyed my time with everyone (although I was pretty tired by the end of the night). The stainless steel mandolin and the iPod docking station were the gifts from hubby and the kids and I was pleasantly surprised. I now have a way to listen to my music without the ear buds and it should make cleaning MUCH more fun! I also will be able to make potato au gratin a bit quicker and my potatoes will def. be more uniformly cut! My ILs gave me a hundred bucks to blow on myself (Wrentham anyone?) and my SIL and I are planning a trip to Whole Foods (LOVE that place) and lunch (her treat) so that is also very cool. I was more than thoroughly spoiled with everything by everyone!

While the birthday was everything I had hoped and more, I will say that when reality set in today, it was almost too much to handle. The best thing is that I know we will be doing it again and I'm guessing sooner rather than later. While the hubster is not a city lover, he even had to agree that Boston was "pretty cool". :)))))))

I loathe my birthday - there I said it!

I have a love/hate relationship with the month of May. It isn't ever what I envision it to be - what I long for it to be.

Mother's Day is generally pretty nice whether we are home or on Cape like the last couple of years, but my birthday has sucked since my sister moved away. Why? Because my sister is the planner and she would always make sure people celebrated my birthday.

I go overboard on birthdays. I make sure that the person having a birthday feels like the center of the universe for the day. They decide the meal, the cake, are sure to get the gifts they want (within reason) and have a day to do whatever they want with whomever they want to do it with.

I have not had a party or get together since my sister moved away. Most of the years, I've been lucky to have had some unwrapped gifts thrown my way before going out the door for baseball & softball games for the kids. Never cake. Or a meal that was prepared because that is what I like to eat. Honestly, it sucked. I think it hurt even more that every other birthday in hubby's family is celebrated. We all get together for my MIL's, FIL's, SILS', BIL's, kids', etc - everyone's but mine.

The last couple of years I've made it known that this behavior bothers me. That I would love to know that people wanted to come over and celebrate my birthday or that my family wanted to make sure I had at least a cake. Things did get better and hubby really tries to make things right, but he just doesn't "get it". The kids have baked me a cake the last couple of years and hubby always tries to make sure he buys me a great gift, but it isn't about the gift. It's about the time and energy someone puts into it. Hubby is a last minute type of guy - not a planner.

This year I threw caution to the wind and planned my own darn birthday and made sure I surrounded myself with people who make me laugh and that I have fun with. I planned an overnight away from my children in a place that *I* wanted to go, but yet, my tummy is queasy and I'm feeling very nervous over the whole thing. I can't wait to see everyone, yet part of me wonders if it won't be what I expect. I know this is my issue. I own it. I'm trying to work past it.

I also have fallen off the good food and exercise wagon. This is day two of no exercise. The day isn't over by any means, but when I get out of my routine, I just can't seem to put the pieces back together. I also ate a whole lemon blueberry cake by myself in two days. A WHOLE CAKE! I want this to stop. It became obvious to me that eating the cake was a totally emotional thing. I am trying to make my birthday worries go away by sticking food into my mouth. How sad is that? How sad am I? On top of that, a quick glance at the calendar shows that the witchy aunt is due to arrive on Sunday. Oh the joys. Or lack of joy.

Gah. Off to go watch a recorder concert that I don't want to watch especially not with a 2yo in tow. And because I needed to write this stuff down, we'll be late on top of it all. Just need the strength to pull myself up by my bootstraps and stop wallowing in the pity of it all...I know. I know. Thanks for reading, dear friends.

Another weekend passes by

Monday, Monday.

This weekend went by pretty quickly which really just is in line with the week before it which zoomed by. Time just does not stand still these days.

Friday we had B's friend, Adri stay over. She is a senior at J's high school and attends B's high school part time (just Arts courses). The girls fell asleep before 10pm which should tell you how exhausting Dance Fest (and the lead up to it) was. We didn't do much Friday evening. T wasn't up for dance as we've all been fighting a cold this week. Hubby and I along with Dn. & Dv. went to spend some time with Nana during the evening as hubby's mom & sister were out that evening. Nana is well into her 90s and just is starting to not remember things. She spends the winters with my MIL & FIL and then goes back to her home sometime in May. I brought her some chocolate chocolate chip cookies and we had some tea. It was a nice quiet visit.

Saturday brought more rainy, cold weather. I did the treadmill that morning and had intended on doing some Pilates too, but the kids were crazy that morning - especially Em. She must've had 14 accidents and went through 20 pairs of underwear. The last straw was that she had a bm on the potty and never told anyone so she could get wiped properly. GRRRRRR. Anyway, after I showered both of us, we took a little nap. Hubby worked most of the day, J. had A. over and then around 9pm hubby and I brought Adri home, went to Evil-mart so we could get the stuff we needed for T's birthday & lasagna dinner the next day and then came home & hubby brought A. home.

I woke up on Sunday and started on getting T's requested cake done (angel food w/choc. pudding in the middle). I cleaned up the kitchen a bit and poured some coffee. I had full intentions of heading to church and then just decided not to. Bad me. I felt a bit guilty, but I worked that off on the treadmill, doing some arm work and pilates. I must've done one of the pilates moves the way I should have because my arse (glutes) hurt ALL day. I found that doing the exercises without the video talking to me is better. I can concentrate on making sure I'm doing the moves properly instead of making sure I'm keeping up. hahaha I'm not the most coordinated person. Thankfully my girls seem to be a bit better at the coordination!

So I started getting the lasagna prepared, the french bread baked and the salad made. At the last minute, I had hubby invite his single uncle who lives about 20 minutes away. By the time everyone arrived (around 4pm), I was just finishing up the salad and waiting on the whole wheat french bread to come out of the oven. I felt really discombobulated yesterday - like detached from things. My brain was fried and I just could NOT focus. It was really very weird. I was exhausted, but I couldn't sit still and my body literally ached from the exercise of the morning.

We sat down and ate. Well, the adults sat around the table (along w/Em) and the kiddos made their plates and found a place somewhere else. I hadn't put the leaves in the table or made sure we had plenty of extra chairs (again, I don't know where my head was yesterday). Even still, I don't think we can fit more than 12 around the table and we had 14 all together. Just about the time I started clearing the table, my BIL & SIL pulled in. I had ordered a cookbook from my nephews' & niece's school PTO and I wasn't able to pick it up last week so they were dropping it off because they were at my SIL's sister's house which is about 15 minutes from here. It was a bit awkward to have them show up since they weren't invited, but everyone else was. Hubby, bless his heart, was quick to invite them all in for T's cake, but BIL insisted that they needed to get home and left. I'm waiting to see if having everyone here, but them, causes ill will between SIL & I. I hope not. I had explained to SIL that we planned on having a kid party for T at a local indoor play place at a later date and that my nephew would be invited to that. This is standard operating procedure for BIL & SIL. There have been more times than I can count that we've not been invited to their home, but the rest of the family has been. Anyway, fingers crossed. I'm not in any mood for drama. Adding to the "Will there be drama?" question is that I found out that SIL may not be going to Cape Cod for Easter. My MIL (whom I invited to Easter dinner last week when I found out they weren't going) asked if we wanted to have dinner at her house. I asked her why because we all know I'm nosey like that. She told me about SIL staying home and I told her that no, we'd have dinner here, but that I would extend the invite to SIL (and whoever does not go to the Cape - apparently BIL is still going with some of the children??) I sent the email invite out this morning so we shall see. I cannot imagine SIL wanting to spend her free time with us, but it will be fine if she does. The more the merrier!

T loved his dinner, enjoyed his gifts and his cake & ice cream. Everyone left around 7:30. The boys made their lunches, took showers and then we all crashed out in my bed watching the beginning of Madagascar. Hubby got home around 9pm (he had to pick B up from youth group & drop A. off) and put the boys & Em to bed. He then was nice enough to give me a full body massage. Seriously - after the pain I had been in ALL day, I think I cried with joy a few times.

All in all, a pretty good weekend. I just hope that I am able to focus this week. Seriously, this not being able to focus stuff sucks.

Yesterday (9-29-2008)

My heart hurts, but I'm glad the dreaded waiting/suffering is over. P. passed yesterday morning with his family around him. It makes me so sad to think that this man, minister, who touched my heart and made me laugh with his cracks about how I look like Becca's cousin and not her mother will never stand on the altar and preach at church again. How he used to say he wished he could have pink hair (he was partially bald and then fully bald after cancer treatments). How he was the first minister I was able to know as just a normal person before I attended the church he preached at. I wish I had gone sooner really. I missed a lot of down to earth, REAL sermons. Ones that didn't put me to sleep or wish I had stayed in bed that morning. My fear of hating it and not feeling comfortable enough to stop going kept me from experiencing something good.

It's funny. I remember speaking to him during a First Friday Family Fun Night (which sadly ended when a child pulled a knife out - shame too because we had what seemed like every kid/teen in town here to play laser tag once a month & bingo indoors for anyone who wanted to play). I was explaining to him the bad experience we had at our last church and flat out told him that hubby hated "pushy pastors". I look back now and think how bold I was to say such a thing, but I really think P. appreciated the candor. He chuckled and thanked me for the info and he never pushed. He and Chris talked frequently on Sundays or Wednesdays and there was nothing, but a mutual respect.

I don't think P. was perfect and I know from different conversations that he often got backs up of long time members and a few people left because of him, but I do think he was true to what he believed which in my mind deserves respect. In a world that seems wishy washy at best sometimes, I can appreciate someone sticking their ground when it isn't always the popular opinion. I also think he was honestly humble which probably is the reason why I was drawn to him.

Oddly enough, P. passed on what was my Mom's 75th birthday. Davey, Em and I took a chocolate cake w/choc. frosting over for her after lunch yesterday and spent most of the afternoon there. My Mom has Alzheimer's although she won't call it that. She says she has "dimention" - not dementia. hahaha Kinda funny when she makes up words like that.

She also takes care of her 87 yo husband who is in ill health. She doesn't eat right, she doesn't sleep right and he is still in charge of their purse strings. Case in point, she needs a new stove. The oven works ok, but two burners are out and don't work. I told her that I'd be happy to take her to get a new stove yesterday and he tells her "No, we're not in a rush.". "Everything is fine." Of course it is, dickhead...you don't have to cook so why should you care. What an F-ing jerk. What makes this even more ironic is that she left my father because he was controlling and abusive. She went from the frying pan into the fire in so many ways. We won't even speak about his bitching that her excelon costs almost 200 dollars every time she gets it filled (excelon is for early/mid dementia & there is no generic form). I don't think he realizes that if something happens to her, he is FUCKED. He won't let any help in (housekeeping, etc.) unless it is family and my mother is allowing the life to be sucked from her because she won't challenge him. It is a truly mind boggling situation and one that makes me HATE visits there.

Anyway, my mother was very emotional most of the the time we were there. She cried when I left while thanking me for taking her to the grocery store. I mean, how awful is that? I've told her a billion & one times that I will drop whatever I am doing and drive the 40 plus minutes to her house if she needs me, but she never asks. And you know I'm such a shitty daughter that I get caught up with the kids and Chris and life in general and don't just go there and do things that I should. I think that is another reason why I hate visiting. Because I am reminded of all the things I should be doing, but just can't seem to fit into the schedule I keep. I certainly am not a good role model of honoring my parent, am I? My children certainly aren't learning a lick of respect from me yet I know if my mother lived next door, I'd be the one there every day caring for her. It's just the act of throwing the kids into the car and driving 30 highway minutes and another 10-15 of back roads. Bad excuses...good intentions pave the way to hell....

So yesterday was another up and down day. It ended ok with a 20 year reunion meeting...It's just 4 weeks away and we were looking at old pictures. Just because I feel like sharing, here is my Kindy class picture...can you find me? Where's Di?

(second row all the way to the right - just in case you couldn't tell)

Happy Birthday Daniel

I cannot believe that 8 years have passed.

The morning of Daniel's birth I was awoken around 4am with some labor pains and a bloody show. Seeing how Thomas' birth went pretty quickly once my water broke, I was paying close attention. Contractions were coming every 6 minutes or so and lasting well over 90 seconds. Called the doc, the babysitter and got to the hospital around 7am. Headed into triage and was checked...5.5cm dilated. WOOOPEEEEE...no pit for me! Get into a nice LDRP room and what happens by mid morning? MY FREAKIN' LABOR STALLS! I'm practically doing cartwheels in the darn hallways and labor doesn't pick back up. Yep. Here comes the evil pit....and an epidural because I hate the evil pit. Epidural in...labor starts up again. I let epi fade just in time for transition. Goood times. I feel like pushing...but there is a lip. Nurse helps get rid of stupid lip and finally I push out a 9lb 14oz., 21 3/4" BIG shouldered (15" shoulders?) boy. Just a little tear, but I swear I pushed his TOES out. Take that! A head full of dark curly hair, a small nose...just perfect.

The first year was rough. No talking. NONE. No babbling, nothing. Angry little boy. Once Birth to 3 came in and we started weekly visits with an early childhood development teacher, things changed quickly. Once Daniel could speak, we realized he was a sponge and had soaked up SO much knowledge. He knew letters, colors, shapes, numbers. It was amazing. Once he started talking, his vocabulary grew so quickly and he was saying things like "cow poop smells disgusting" when just months before he wasn't speaking at all. School has been easy for him as far as learning goes, but in my heart of hearts, I know he has some issues with paying attention and staying on track. We've applied certain techniques in the classroom which help and his teachers have been pretty great. I truly think that Daniel is special and I'm so blessed to call him my son.

Above all, Daniel is a sensitive, sweet, funny child. He makes us all laugh on a daily basis yet is the first one to come snuggle or sneak a smooch.

This is my new 8 year old boy...Isn't he delicious?