I loathe my birthday - there I said it!

I have a love/hate relationship with the month of May. It isn't ever what I envision it to be - what I long for it to be.

Mother's Day is generally pretty nice whether we are home or on Cape like the last couple of years, but my birthday has sucked since my sister moved away. Why? Because my sister is the planner and she would always make sure people celebrated my birthday.

I go overboard on birthdays. I make sure that the person having a birthday feels like the center of the universe for the day. They decide the meal, the cake, are sure to get the gifts they want (within reason) and have a day to do whatever they want with whomever they want to do it with.

I have not had a party or get together since my sister moved away. Most of the years, I've been lucky to have had some unwrapped gifts thrown my way before going out the door for baseball & softball games for the kids. Never cake. Or a meal that was prepared because that is what I like to eat. Honestly, it sucked. I think it hurt even more that every other birthday in hubby's family is celebrated. We all get together for my MIL's, FIL's, SILS', BIL's, kids', etc - everyone's but mine.

The last couple of years I've made it known that this behavior bothers me. That I would love to know that people wanted to come over and celebrate my birthday or that my family wanted to make sure I had at least a cake. Things did get better and hubby really tries to make things right, but he just doesn't "get it". The kids have baked me a cake the last couple of years and hubby always tries to make sure he buys me a great gift, but it isn't about the gift. It's about the time and energy someone puts into it. Hubby is a last minute type of guy - not a planner.

This year I threw caution to the wind and planned my own darn birthday and made sure I surrounded myself with people who make me laugh and that I have fun with. I planned an overnight away from my children in a place that *I* wanted to go, but yet, my tummy is queasy and I'm feeling very nervous over the whole thing. I can't wait to see everyone, yet part of me wonders if it won't be what I expect. I know this is my issue. I own it. I'm trying to work past it.

I also have fallen off the good food and exercise wagon. This is day two of no exercise. The day isn't over by any means, but when I get out of my routine, I just can't seem to put the pieces back together. I also ate a whole lemon blueberry cake by myself in two days. A WHOLE CAKE! I want this to stop. It became obvious to me that eating the cake was a totally emotional thing. I am trying to make my birthday worries go away by sticking food into my mouth. How sad is that? How sad am I? On top of that, a quick glance at the calendar shows that the witchy aunt is due to arrive on Sunday. Oh the joys. Or lack of joy.

Gah. Off to go watch a recorder concert that I don't want to watch especially not with a 2yo in tow. And because I needed to write this stuff down, we'll be late on top of it all. Just need the strength to pull myself up by my bootstraps and stop wallowing in the pity of it all...I know. I know. Thanks for reading, dear friends.