And the saga continues....

I had to step up again today and be the adult. That dreaded part of my life that makes me want to run crying for my blankie and stay in bed all day.

About two weeks ago, my mom became combative with her caregivers while they were trying to bathe my stepfather (she was jealous and thought they were trying to steal her guy). She then ran out of the house. "Eloped" is the word the social worker used today. A word that brings up a different scenario to me than how they use the word. Needless to say, 911 was called and my mother was brought to the hospital. She was kept there until midnight and then they finally decided to admit her for evaluation. I wasn't told until after the fact. I was told the next day, in fact, and that was by my sister. Not my brother who lives in the same state as I do. And really by then they had already sent her packing saying that she wasn't ready for "facility living", but they did give her some extra drugs. And if you've read my blog you know that I am not a fan of "let's drug them up so they don't give us any shit" when it comes to my mother and her Alzheimers.

So today I was bringing her to see a new doctor. It is a group of psychiatrists and social workers that specialize in geriatric care. Good place to be, I guess. I was a bit late in picking her up, but thankfully this new doctor is maybe 5 miles from her home and in an area that I am well familiar with. She seemed drugged. She could not hold a conversation and she could not follow simple instructions on how to get into my car. I literally had to lift her up to get her into the seat and then pretty much tug her out when we got there. I'm pretty sure if you asked her what my name was today, she couldn't tell you. Oh wait, they did ask her and she had no clue. The social worker took me and left her with a doctor. Then we came back together and another doctor came with with the social worker. They asked more questions (some of which I could not answer because I am not her POA or Conservator) and then basically told me that my mother is in the late stages of Alzheimers. Dude really? Like I didn't know this? Sigh. So we're charging medicaid and blue cross $150 for you to waste my time for 2 hours on one of the last days of summer vacation with my kids so you can tell me what I already know? Pulease.

And then they spoke of the fact that she needs some kind of stimulation during the day because that is likely why she isn't sleeping well at night. Not enough daytime stimulation and likely the current caregivers are not even aware of what should be happening with her. Adult day care. Oh terrific. Great. I want that for her too, but how the FUCK am I supposed to pay for it? Right. Did you not get the memo when I spoke to the social worker that all her care is paid for from my stepfather's lawyer? A lawyer that we did not hire and really was hired to act in my stepfather's best interest? Oh I'm sure she is a very nice lawyer, Miss Social Worker, but I've dealt with her before at my last house closing and she was a total and complete, unprofessional BITCH. So yeah, my brother will have to broach that subject. We may be able to get small grants through the state's Alzheimer's group. I have numbers and papers and my head is swimming. Oh and another appointment on September 9th.

So I bring her back to the house and her PM caregiver tells me that my mom is so much better now that she is home from the hospital. Yep. I'm sure she is, Miss Caregiver. She is loopy, can't think straight and shuffles around on her feet like an old woman. Of course, that is how you wanted her to begin with, right? Just one month ago, she was a totally different woman. And yes, she was still forgetful and couldn't always find the words she needed, but she wasn't like this.

I feel like a failure. No money, no job, no say...I cannot care for her here and I cannot care for her there. I can drive her to appointments. Big fuckin' whoop. Did I mention that I hate this part of my life?

Vagueblogging at its best

Have you ever had the feeling that someone was purposefully trying to keep you out, but allowing you to remain on the fringes so that it didn't look like they were trying to get rid of you?

Ah, such is life. My hubby said that things don't bother him because he only gives energy to those people he actually cares about. He told me to focus my energy on the people that I would mourn if they walked out of my life. He's really good about getting above the BS. One of the many things I love about him.

I've been hangin' with a sick number 5 this week. Fever & cough. Just treating the fever and giving benedryl since the cough seems to be a nasal drip type. Perhaps a viral thing with some allergies....If the fever doesn't break today, I may take him in to the doc tomorrow so that they can take a quick listen to his lungs. I hate trying to get an appt. on the weekends and I never know who is on call.

Also waiting on a call from my sister. About my mom. Doesn't sound good. I am stressing over it and hoping that it is something that can be taken care of with little help because my brother is already dealing with a mother in law with stage 4 breast cancer that has metastasized into her spine...I cannot imagine what my sister in law is going through and my heart breaks for her.

My mother has Alzheimer's. Her Alzheimer's was brought on, in my opinion, by a GP who put her on two types of antidepressants at once (one being Prozac). She went into a stupor and never recovered. Do I think she would have had Alzheimer's anyway? Yep. My grandmother did too. I would venture to guess that it is in my future too. Anyway, her meds don't seem to be working as well anymore and for a good while, my stepfather had convinced her that they were "too expensive" so she stopped getting them. And this was while he was busy writing checks to his daughter and son in law for thousands of dollars. But no, the $200/month pills were just TOO expensive. Asshole. Yet, there she is trying to take care of him. She can't even take care of herself anymore and I am guessing that they are at the end of living on their own. I am angry that my mother has allowed her life to be swallowed up by a man who has taken every good minute of her life and turned it into serving him AND I am angry at my mother for allowing it.

I have never been close to my mom. She left my father when I was 5. They were divorced by the time I was 6. I woke up one morning and she was gone. No explanations. Nothing. Do I think she should have left my father? Absolutely. Do I think she did it in a totally selfish way? Yep. Maybe I haven't forgiven her after all these years. I will say that having children, I cannot even imagine EVER leaving them. You would have to pry my cold dead hands off the door frame before I would leave them like she left me. Perhaps my forgiveness will never go to the depths it has to for healing. I do not know.

So now I wait. The bad daughter. The one who is so caught up in her own life that her mother is on the peripheral. I own it. I just don't know how to change it and I think really that I must not want to since I haven't. Maybe I just need to own that ugly bit too. Hah...I can see the irony of where this blog started and where it has ended.

Karma certainly is a bitch, isn't it?

Goofiness is totally under-rated

I think goofiness is under-rated. Why? Well because it makes you laugh. You can laugh at yourself and your friends/family and it's all good because, well, it's goofy.

I am an extremely goofy person around my hubby & kiddos. I tone it down quite a bit around others because I don't want anyone to think that I am very weird. Although, since meeting the best friends a girl could ever have this past summer, I have started to let little pieces of me that I've hidden from others shine through. I'm not ready to go public on Facebook with how goofy I am, but I figure here is a good start.

First off, I like to take goofy pictures...especially of my daughter Becca. In fact, she is the best person in the house to be goofy with and she embraces her goofiness which I think ROCKS. She in turn likes to take goofy pictures of herself...or just self portraits.

So on Halloween, we were both pretty punchy and silly - even before the candy. Here are a few of our goofy selves....

Taking pictures of Becca with an upside down camera from the front seat while Chris is driving

And here are a few self portraits that Bec took of herself while we were saying our goodbyes to our old neighbor.

And yes...even I joined in and had a ball while doing it. Silly self portraits of yours truly while driving in the car on Halloween night.

And the ultimate goofy pictures of me....

Yep. I'm goofy. And damn proud of it!