Odd man out

Yep. That's me. I'm so tired of trying to fit in that I've decided to embrace not fitting in. As my sister says, "This is me. This is who I am." You can take me or leave me, but I am not going to feel badly.

I've decided that I'm going to focus on those people who like me and want to be with me. If you have problems with me and you can't be adult enough to speak to me then you are left with what you should be. Bitterness, anger, resentment - whatever. I've been on that side too. That's not a healthy place. Saying what is on your mind does not need to be rude although it is usually confrontational and uncomfortable. Most people do not like that, but the aftermath...the cleanse...is what makes it worth it.

I cannot make everyone happy. I cannot read minds. I will NOT feel guilty for either of these things because it is not my job. And believe me, as a mom, I feel enough guilt for things that are far more important.

I am not perfect. Far from it. But I have a heart and feelings and when someone makes it abundantly clear that I'm not important in their world, that hurts. I am forever trying to do the right thing and be the best person I can be, but sometimes I might have an off day...or hell an off three months. Here are my shoes, remember?

So yeah, I'm thankful for my friends, my family - those who know I am not perfect yet love me anyway and still see something in me that makes it worth having a relationship with me. Those are the people I am focusing on from now on because I have to believe that there is *something* good and worthwhile inside of me.

It comes down to not having control, I think.

I've been a bit silent the last few weeks since number one's 18th birthday. During this time I've been having a hard time digesting some stuff about number one, found out that a high school classmate of mine was one of the 7 CIA officials killed by a suicide bomber in Afghanistan and learned about some other troubling "extended family" news.

I've wanted to blog about everything, but my thoughts are so jumbled. As far as number one goes, there are days I want to throttle that boy and send him away from this house to go live on his own (that would teach him how good he has it here, right?). Right now, that is where my head is. I know that he is going through an issue that basically will decide whether he has a future in the USMC and it is weighing heavily on him. I've told him that he shouldn't worry about something until it happens, but also that he should start formulating a back up plan should the USMC become a non-issue. Most of you know that I would be beyond happy that Uncle Sam would not "own" my boy for the next 8 years, however, I know this will break his heart. Tough stuff for a Mom - neither thing will make me happy. Anyway, I am trying to choose my battles lately, but truth be told, I just don't have the energy to fight with him. He is Mr. Button Pusher in the flesh and my heart & brain are not in a good enough place to go head to head with him. So I seethe because I can't find a way to say what needs to be said without starting a war. Good times for us both, I guess. He also shared with us that he has picked up smoking. His Dad and I are just beyond sad and angry with him. So stupid on SO many levels. I'll just leave it at that....

Sad. That pretty much describes my week after learning about S.R.'s death in Afghanistan from another HS friend. The news flashes his picture over and over and over again and every time it takes my breath away and makes me so incredibly sad especially since he had made clear that he was ready to settle down and was anticipating the birth of his first child, a daughter. I didn't hang out with S. in high school. I didn't party with S. We ran in absolutely different circles, but our town was so small and most of us had gone to school with each other since Kindy that you "knew" everyone. I saw S. at my 20th reunion a year ago this past October. I have been straining my head wondering if I even said anything to him (I had been working the front table for awhile). Honestly, I probably had a bit of "high school-itis" which kept me from speaking to some people. I'm ok in little groups, but my worries about being "normal" in large groups still take over sometimes. Being Feeling like an outsider still rears its ugly head despite my best efforts to keep it at bay. Anyway, I did take some pictures of him talking as I was the "camera" girl all night. I wish I could go back and do that evening all over again. I would have talked to him and asked about his life since THS and likely would have met his wife too. Unfortunately, now I can only send on my two sympathy cards and hold on to my regrets.

The family issue isn't one I can speak about freely so I won't on this blog. I pray everyday that everything will be made right as easily as possible though.

My head and heart are so heavy these days. So much to think about. So little that I can control....