Inevitable.

My mother is now being evaluated in a geriatric behavioral health setting. We took a nice 911 ambulance ride on her 78th birthday. My sister flew up over the weekend and stayed with us. She went to see my Mom during visiting hours on Saturday evening. Becca and I went and picked her up and spent a few minutes with my Mom. She was barely coherent.

For the past few weeks I have been very angry. I snap at the kids. I snap at the hubby. I just can't seem to be happy. Last night after hubby was nice to me even though I had been a total witch, I started crying. Oh I have felt it coming. I just keep pushing it back. Last night I couldn't push it away anymore. I sobbed when hubby put on Dirty Dancing for a few minutes and then later on probably sobbed for a good half hour. Hubby finally got out of me what the issue is.

I am tired. Tired of being an adult. Oh I know...no use crying over that. It isn't apt to change. I'm tired of the role reversal. I miss my Dad. He would take care of all of this so I wouldn't have to. See...I'm just tired. I just can't seem to wrap my head around this adult business where you have to care for your parent. I also found out that my brother is about as useful as one of my younger children really which adds to the amount of weight I feel in my shoulders. I love my brother...he is smart and a good man...he just can't speak up. I had to become the mouthpiece for my mother in the ER for over 12 hours when I just wanted someone else to share the load. The longer we sat around in a hallway, the more I spoke up. I guess I should have started earlier. Perhaps we would have been out of the hospital before 1am.

I feel like if I move in the wrong direction this house of cards is all going to fall down on me. For the first time in my life I am wondering if I might need some meds to help with my mental state. For anyone who knows anything about me, that has NEVER crossed my mind. I deal. I don't take drugs. But...BUT...I don't even find joy in my everyday life anymore and add to this my back issues and the fact that I am in pain more than half the time I am awake, you might be able to see why I am tired. Laundry is bothersome. Cleaning the house is a task that physically hurts me so badly that I just don't care. Dinner? Oh yeah, well, I barely get by these days. And today, well today I have to visit my mother in the behavioral hospital by myself. I am terrified. Literally. I have PT at 11:30 and then I have to drive myself there and go in by myself. I have put it off for 2 days now. I'm afraid of the unknown. I am honestly surprised that I have not had a panic attack. I don't want to visit my mother who doesn't seem to even know what the hell is going on while other confused elderly people walk around not knowing what is going on. I'm afraid I will do something wrong. I actually don't really know what scares me the most....I am just know I'm sick over it.

I know where my fear comes from I think. When I was about 5yo, my father took me into the nursing home that my grandfather was living in (his father). Some of the elderly people in the home yelled at my Dad for bringing in a little girl. One man in particular was a rather large man with no legs in a wheelchair in the hallway as we walked down to my grandfather's room. He told my Dad that I was too young to be there. I was so frightened of him. Once we got to my grandfather's room, he was a shell of the man I knew. He was in a large high chair and he didn't speak. He was even scary. Ever since then, I have been uncomfortable (at best) with elderly people especially in a nursing home/hospital setting. My Nana (mom's mom) was everything right and good in my childhood, yet, when her dementia landed her in a nursing home, I can count on one hand how many times I went in to visit and I NEVER went alone.

I wish I had the strength to change how I feel. I wish I felt kind and loving towards elderly people. I wish that they didn't scare me to death. Maybe, just maybe, I don't like seeing the inevitable staring at me in the face with its angry, cold eyes.

As the stomach turns...

Life certainly does feel like a soap opera sometimes. I do NOT like drama. I do NOT like conflict. Both make my blood pressure rise and my anxiety flare up. Oh and for the record, apparently PAIN makes my blood pressure SKYROCKET. 142/100 at yesterday's doctor appointment....YIKES (it came way down by bedtime last night).

My mother is still at her home. 24 hour care is still in place with a new caregiver. She has been accepted onto Title 19 and the state has assessed her needs. I took her to a new GP (one who was referred by the Alzheimer's Association) and she also had another appointment with the geriatric psychiatrist. I like the new doctor ok and I'm still not a fan of the psychiatrist, but she is kind to my mother so I have to remember that it isn't about me.

I've tweaked out my back which is really getting me irritated. I cannot do any of my normal everyday chores, etc. easily. I cannot pick things off the floor, I walk like I'm 90 years old and I cannot sit for too long without being in agony. I have, however, figured out how this all started (doing leg lifts, etc. in the pool) and how it got worse (sitting in the car for hours on vacation). Of course, the coup d'etat was when I squatted down to get the darn collar off the pool filter and felt something RIP across my back. 2 hours in the ER right before our HUGE annual party for Labor Day. Thankfully I have the most AMAZING family. Thing 1 and Thing 2 stepped up to the plate and took care of getting the yard and house up to par while hubby took me to the hospital 30 minutes away. My MIL also was a huge help and came over early to offer her support. For those of you who "know" my Thing 2, I was blown away by her ability to take charge and do what needed to be done. I respect her in ways that I couldn't have if this didn't happen to me. Blessings do come from bad things.

So now we are basically on a holding pattern...Mom is settled and we're slowly getting her needs squared away. I saw my PA yesterday and he gave me new meds, a script for PT and had me go for Xrays. I have also gained 5 pounds, but under the circumstances, I am actually ok with that. There hasn't been much exercise the last month and lots of eating Haagen Dazs chocolate peanut butter ice cream before bed. /burp/

Taking care of me

I am feeling frustrated with myself. I allowed myself to do something that I shouldn't have. I went down a path that wasn't for my feet and now that I've backtracked, I am hurting. The funny thing is, I don't think I ever realized that I'd end up being hurt. I knew I could hurt others, but I never thought about myself. Funny.

I think this is a vicious cycle. Not worrying about yourself until danger or disaster strikes. I think it is a learned trait. After talking with my mom last night, the similarities are dizzying. I have many of the same qualities as she does in regards to living life. Perhaps I need to seriously rethink some and change how I look at the others. I'm not sure, but what an eye opener.

I guess this is where I get angry. Angry at myself for allowing someone who I thought was my friend to treat me in a way that a real friend wouldn't get treated. Friends watch out for each other and don't do things to hurt them or lead them down paths that are long and windy and lead to a blind cliff for the friend to fall off. And when a friend apologizes for bad behavior, you don't just give them the silent treatment. A response is just common courtesy in my book - which means you don't have to absolve anyone, but you just need to accept what's offered and move on.

Perhaps I need to share these feelings with the person...of course, maybe they just aren't worth it after all. /sigh/

To cry or to laugh.

I woke up crying this morning. I cried for much of the morning. Big heaving sobs. I know there is more behind the ones that have already come. I know I just need to cleanse and be done with it, but I also don't want to cry alone. I want so much for my hubby to be there to hold me and to just hug me until it's over. Now if I could only tell him that. If I could only open up and be vulnerable.

So I went on to FB and clicked on a link of Funny Autocorrect texts. I laughed so hard. I fought away the tears and laughed instead. It is true that there is a fine line between laughing and crying. I choose laughing today. I choose the "spit your coffee out while leftover snot blows out your nose" laughing. Laughing is way better than crying. Trust me.

AF pillaged, stole, abducted, lifted, looted, pinched, pirated, swindled, thieved, withdrew....

........my Christmas joy.

Stupid. That is how I feel. Oh and don't forget incompetent, ineffectual, futile, worthless. Who doesn't love a good thesaurus?

Life is crazy and rude. Sometimes almost hopeless. I question what the hell I am supposed to be doing differently. How can I make things better? Easier? What lesson is the universe trying to teach me?

Some days I just want to stand up and shout "F&*^ YOU" to whomever is listening hoping that maybe someone up there gets the drift and leaves me the hell alone already.

Ah, who knew I could vaguebook on my blog too? Good stuff I tell ya. Terrific. Lovely. Special. Wonderful.

Must put my head back to the grindstone and hope that this mood passes quickly.

Feeling overwhelmed

Geez. Don't know if the weather is the culprit or what, but I cannot get out of my funk. I am dealing with family stuff that is not only pissing me off, but troubling my heart, the house is a disaster and all I want to do is climb into bed, lock the door and read. I don't want to be Mommy or Wife or anything else I'm supposed to be.

I think reading is like a drug for me. It takes me somewhere that isn't here. Not reality. I'm sure if I spent half the time I do reading on cleaning the house, I might not feel so overwhelmed in that area, but who wants to? Why mop the floors when it pours for days and the dogs and kids and hubby are just going to track mud throughout? Why cook dinner when you'll just have to clean up the mess after? Why get dressed when you will just have extra laundry? Yeah. I need to get a grip and climb the hell out of this hole. That's for sure.

I also need to run. 5k in less than 16 days. Ugh. I ran with the dogs day before yesterday and completed a mile in under 10 mins. That is something, huh? Who would have ever thunk I would be able to do that and not fall down dead? Now if I could just run 3.10 miles like that I'd be golden. I, of course, after running that fast, had to walk for a bit to catch my breath. The dogs were so energetic that morning. Well, until we were about 1/3rd of the way home and then Guinness was getting lazy. In fact, I really need to hop into some running clothes and go out right now while the sky is not dripping with rain. Yesterday I didn't think the rain would ever stop. I know we need the rain, but it would be nice if a month's worth did not fall in 4 days, you know?

I am headed to a GNO tomorrow. I was hoping it would be at a friend's house because then it would be about 2 miles from home, but for some good reasons, it is being held at a restaurant/bar in the town we grew up in. I was hoping to catch a ride and the hub could pick me up later, but it isn't looking promising. Oh well, guess I'll have to nurse a drink and have lots of water. I'm a grown up now, but one who is used to having the hubby drive during these things.

Speaking of relying on the hubby. He got a call from the oncologist yesterday. He had a cancer removed from his back a couple of weeks ago. No biggie. Well, when they did the lab work on the cancer, they found that there is more near where they took out the big chunk. Microscopic? He has to go back and have his back cut open again. I'm a little bit freaked and a lot bit scared even though he reassures me that it isn't a "big deal". But it is a big deal to me. He is my whole world. I put my head down and get through the days because I long for the time it can just be him and I. That's not to say that I don't enjoy my kids and love them very much, but before there were kids, it was just me and my best friend. Him. Always him. Ever since I was 16. Maybe this makes me some weak, stupid woman because he is it for me. Maybe I have been stupid to make my life revolve around his? Ugh. Needless to say, underneath all the other stuff I'm stressing over, there is a part of me that is terrified about losing him because I'm not sure I would be worth anything without him. So stupid.

Well, if I am going to have any chance of keeping myself together today, I better stop here. Pull myself together. Go for a run. And get through today. One day at a time. Right?

Just another Tricky Tuesday

The lack of crickets from my last post is pretty heartwarming to say the least. The fact that I've had hits from people I don't even know makes me feel a bit weird because it was such a personal post, but it's ok because I think I probably touched on something that everyone has felt at one time or another. At least I'd like to think that so I don't feel like such a nut! hahaha :oP

I am putting off the exercise this morning even though I really shouldn't be. I've been more lax about it although still averaging 4-5x per week. I'm getting very discouraged with the lack of progress not only in my endurance, but the lack of the downward motion of the scale. The only thing I have to look forward to is my annual gyn exam on Thursday morning. I will be seeing the NP (as I choose to see her over the Dr.) and plan on discussing what is going on. I have the feeling that a full physical with my GP will be in order. Haven't had a full physical since the summer after David was born (2004). I do hope beyond hope that my blood pressure is lower. Just hoping that I have at least THAT going for me. I do have a goal to run a 5K with a good friend of mine maybe this fall. I never thought I would ever want to be a runner, but there is something soothing about it. Stress seems to melt away so quickly. Fingers crossed that I can get all the medical crap sorted out so that I can meet my goal!

The kids are doing well. Em has been asking to dance every day since recital. Yep. Think she has definitely been bitten by the dance bug. Now I can only hope that she makes it into afternoon pre-k so that she can do the same dance class next year.

On the topic of dance, Bec has started her pre-tryout dance camp. It will run until Thursday and then next Thursday she will have competition tryouts and next Saturday she will have Company tryouts. I hope she isn't disappointed. I will say that I admire her drive about dance. After talking to so many competition/company parents, the main thing I learned was that she needs to stretch really well every day so that she is super limber for tryouts. Every day since Saturday she has been using the P90X stretching DVD (one hour of stretching). She wakes up each day about an hour before she usually would and stretches. Yeah, I'm proud of her. Whatever happens, I know she'll try her best and that is what is the most important.

The boys are all doing well. Jerm has a couple more weeks of coaching T-Ball. He said that he thinks he would have preferred boys that were a bit older. Maybe next year he'll coach a team that Thomas is on. Thomas is so eager to please his older brother that I think it would work out well. Daniel is excited about doing soccer in the fall and I even asked David if he was interested as they have instructional league at the park in town for 5-6 Saturdays in the fall. He said yes and then said no. I'll ask again for sure. A busy kid is one that doesn't get into trouble! ;)

Now we are all just waiting on the last day of school. I am ready. Mornings just get harder and harder to get up. I want to sleep until 8am a couple of days in row already! Of course, this means that my food bill will go up probably quite a bit, but I guess there has to be a trade off. I spent just over $600 at Sams over the weekend and I am guessing that MIGHT get us a month, but probably not. In my defense, I spent almost a thousand the last time I was there and I made it last for almost 2 months. Of course this is with regular visits to the grocery store for fresh fruits & veggies, bread and for cereal which we go through almost as quickly as milk! Someday I am going to keep track of exactly what we spend on food in one month's time. I'm almost positive that it is about what we pay in mortgage payments on the house! :oP

Coffee is gone now - better be off to pursue my personal goal...wish me luck!