Questioning Me

I've been going down the road of "self appreciation" (for lack of a better term) for a couple of years now. I'd be lying if I didn't say that it was still bumpy at times. I will go along for a bit and feel good about who I am and know in my heart that people like me and then something small will happen and I begin to wonder.

That happened today.

I question myself over and over and over, ad nauseum. Am I too pushy, bitchy, self righteous, meek, silly, shallow, deep, etc.? And the thing is, I never get the answers because I don't ask the right person. I am afraid to ask the questions to whom I need to because I am afraid of the answers really. I'm also still afraid to throw that little piece of my heart out there and bare myself totally. If I keep part of me back, no one ever has to know that I can be hurt, right? No one ever has to know that I'm not always cool & composed and in charge of a situation.

Sometimes I wonder if others obsess the same way I do...You know, the whole "am I normal?" question arises more often than not. I think part of that reason is growing up with an alcoholic parent. I learned early on that my family wasn't "normal". I was taught that it was something you didn't talk about and that most people frowned on, but the thing is, as I learn to "like" myself and in turn really TALK to other people, I am finding that so many others didn't live "normal" either. I am learning that "normal" doesn't really exist.

Perhaps someday I will just be forthright with my words and not swallow whatever bitter is sitting there. Perhaps one day, I will believe in my worth as a person, friend, wife, sister, mother, aunt, cousin without wavering. At least I hope so.