Deep in thought along the road

I've started walking each day...anywhere between 4 and 5 miles. I try to get at least one hour away from the house for the most part. Sometimes it's longer and sometimes it is a bit shorter.

So this week, I've taken the blue trail a couple of times. One day I did the short part. I know this one like the back of my hand. I've taken it numerous times with the kids in tow because let's face it, walking in the woods is just good fun. One day I decided to take the other side of the trail head that I'd never been on, but knew which road it would dump me on. After walking for about 30 minutes, I realized I probably was in a bit over my head and was glad that I had grabbed a large stick to walk with. We have had a lot of rain (something like 20" over normal) and so some of the areas I was walking through were a bit wet and mucky. Probably better suited for bikes or hiking boots than sneakers, but I kept going as the trail was well marked. Finally I got to a place where it was very, very wet and I could not tell where the trail went. I kinda had an idea of where I was and decided that I needed to get off the trail and onto a road. After climbing a rather large hill and finding that I was farther than expected (although I knew exactly where I was), I trespassed on private property. This usually would not be such a big deal, but it is hunting season in these parts and I passed not only a large hunting blind, but also a tree stand. I was happy to have on my bright yellow sweatshirt and bright white bandana on my head. Needless to say, I've stayed on the road or taken the shorter part of the trail that I know instead.

Anyway, because I have been walking alone, I've thought deeply about things. It is amazing what clarity you can get when you are alone on a dirt road or in the woods with no sounds, but birds and fat squirrels scuffling around trying to make haste in winter preparations. I have stopped using an iPod because I really feel like I need to be hyper-aware of my surroundings especially while alone. It is quite humbling to look at trees thicker around than your body and know that they have been on earth longer than you and will likely survive longer than you as well. I have felt rather small and inconsequential, really. Of course, I've also seen trees, especially around the ponds, grow together. My hubby tells me that these types of trees are less strong and dangerous to power lines, but there is something comforting in seeing 5 trees mesh their trunks into one, but go their own way. Perhaps, this is a reminder for me that family is where my roots are even when I want to do my own thing? Maybe a reminder that I can still stay grounded, but continue to grow. I am quite certain, even with all my rantings and ravings about how sucky life can be sometimes, that I am not destined to be the strong tree standing alone, but more of the smaller tree meshed with others.

In any case, my walks have really been a balm for my soul this week. I'm so thankful to live where I do and have the opportunity to enjoy my surroundings each and every day. Blessed is what I truly am....even when I go and forget that.

More random poetry

Turmoil in your brain
making you feel
things that
aren't supposed to be
there
Taboo
Wondering why
life has to be
complicated
when all you
yearn for
is
simple
Praying for peace
because
it is the
only
answer
Will you ever
feel
normal
The times that were
great
seem so far away
You wish you
were more
grateful
for them
then
but we all know
that things
seem sweeter
when you
are
bitter
Chin up
Saying that to
friends is
easy
Saying it to
yourself
is much harder
Life
goes
on
and
on
whether
you can deal
or not
Cue the crickets
and the
awkwardness
It's all good
We all
suffer
the same
fate one
day.

Meet up
see friends
make memories
take silly pictures
find sisters
from near and far
Never worry again
about fitting in
they love you
for who you are
and what you want
to become.

While my heart aches that I am missing a meet up this weekend, I hope everyone there has a wonderful time. :) Also realizing how blessed I am to have made even one meet up - my best girlfriends were made there!

Random

tears come
scared and worried
no control
eats away at the stomach
skin crawls
put yourself out there
only to be bitten again
always wondering
how to make it easier
when being quiet
is the only answer
and yet words spill out
disturb the delicate balance
silly tears
overwhelming images
in a scattered brain
love can lift
but the fall is disheartening
eager to change
make better
not alone
honesty
doesn't exist
make nice
but only for today

Some random things...random meaning not related, but as usual, long winded

After messaging with an old friend from high school about supper for tonight I got to thinking about what other people cook, etc.  Not that I'm into comparing in the sort of "I'm better than you because I don't ever cook the same meal twice" type thing because that is just laughable (or rather the woman who spouts this is on a baby site I used to frequent is), but wondering if my idea of a quick, easy dinner is really that far fetched or different from what others consider "quick & easy".

For example, tonight we had what I thought was an "easy dinner".  I made chicken breasts with a cranberry maple pan sauce, white rice & broccoli.  Basically, I butterflied 3 HUGE breasts & cut them into strips, dredged them in seasoned flour (salt, pepper, onion powder, garlic powder), browned them in a pan with an olive oil & butter mixture, removed them to a plate in the oven after browning and then deglazed the frying pans with a mixture of white wine, chicken broth & red wine vinegar.  Added in a can of jellied cranberry sauce, about a half cup of real maple syrup, some more chicken stock, tablespoon of brown sugar, pepper and let that reduce a bit before I put the chicken back in the pans and let it simmer while the rice & frozen broccoli cooked.  I did forget to use some cayenne pepper though so there was a kick missing for me.  I even used Uncle Ben's converted white rice so it takes like all of 20 minutes on the stove top.  This meal is a favorite of every one's so maybe that is why I don't think it is a big deal.  The funny thing is that the first time I made it, I was just shooting from the hip (using a recipe that had the same flavors/ingredients, but was meant for grilling).  

Ok, so tell me the truth?  Does that sound really difficult? (I'm being honest...I really want to know)

I have to admit that cooking meals that my family loves makes me feel good about being a mom.  Perhaps it is because I don't have a job that brings home the bacon anymore.  For so long I have taken care of children & a hubby (I've been a SAHM for over 14 years!!) that praise for my cooking, laundry or cleaning skills has become my paycheck.  I don't get much praise in the cleaning department (not my favorite) and I'm usually a day late & a dollar short in the laundry department (the basement is my getaway, but it has been pretty cold down there), but I enjoy trying to shine in the cooking which may make my outlook a bit different from others I guess.  I bake cookies & cakes from scratch often and don't even think about it much.  It is just part of who I am...or part of who I am when I am being a good wife & mom.  I want to mention again that NEVER do I look at others and think that they aren't a good parent if they aren't into cooking or baking, but sometimes I get the feeling that just by doing the things I do, it makes others feel badly.  Does that make sense?

And another totally random thought...I've been thinking about my SIL again lately.  She posted one of those random questions notes that has been going around facebook.  I checked to see if I tagged her in mine (I didn't.) because she labeled hers as "The stupid questions everyone keeps tagging me to answer".  She seemed a bit defensive on the whole and I kept thinking why do it if you're not interested?  The thing that struck me was this was like the second time she has mentioned hating insecurities.  Generally her insecurities happen to involve me as mine involve her much of the time.  I'm not sure if I should step foot into that arena.  We've been drama free for awhile and I'm getting better at knowing when I should speak my mind and when I should shut up (BIG progress for me...I'm not good at shutting up).  I keep thinking that if she has an issue with me, she eventually come to me and share.  I really don't have the energy right now to "shore up" anyone.  I am of the belief that if no one says anything to me about things than everything must be fine.  Is this normal?  Again, totally serious question.  Relationships with other women have really confused me in the past so I feel like such a newbie in this area.

Random thought number 3 (and 4 too).  I have two teenagers whom I love dearly.  I have two elementary aged boys whom I love dearly.  I have two preschool aged children whom I love dearly.  Why oh why do they drive me up the effing wall?  And when will this darn, stinking cough go away?  Really - it is the pee your pants type cough.  If I didn't have thirty thousand pairs of undies, I might have purchased some Depends last night.

That is all folks...enough randomness for the day....I have to go change my underwear :oP

Life is Randomness

Talked to C. last night at church before our Sunday school meeting. Hospice is now coming in for P. I don't think P. is quite ready to go though. He has yet to discuss anything regarding his funeral, etc. w/C. although I think I understand why. In all the people I have known who have died from a terminal illness (or someone like my nephew who was close before getting his new lungs), you have to come to a certain peace that what is actually happening to you is happening. I can only imagine the loose ends that need to be tied up and that there is some sort of acceptance that must be swallowed, bitter as it may be.

I am fully aware of what Christianity teaches regarding death, but I have to admit that being left behind is so hard regardless of what your brain says. Your heart says something different. My father will be dead two years this December and I still tear up thinking about him. I still miss him. Parents are your safety net no matter how old you are, I think. To lose them is a stark reminder of what you have become and what you have to look forward to.

On to Sunday school (I said it would be random, didn't I?).... It looks like I will be leading Jr. High/High School for the WHOLE year! I haven't been a youth leader in a very long time (since before Thomas was born). I am excited and nervous although the prep work is far less daunting than teaching the younger kiddos. In the winter months, we may even meet at my house at the dining room table. Our church has made some tough decisions regarding heating for the winter. With oil prices what they are, we cannot afford to heat the sanctuary. :( We are a very small congregation and unfortunately oil prices don't change because of this. I hope and pray that I am a well liked Youth teacher and that the kids actually get something out of it. Jr. high kids are not my favorite, but I am kind of burnt out with the littler ones so it was a good opportunity.

This Saturday is the family birthday party for all the September birthdays (there are quite a few). There has been quite a bit of family type drama going on lately which tires me just thinking about it all. I hope that things go smoothly. I have no desire for drama and hope that everyone else feels the same. I have already told myself that I am putting on a happy face and good attitude. Sometimes I feel very detached from the family because we always have done our own thing and because of prior commitments, we end up missing out on family things. In fact, because I agreed to fill in for the younger Sunday school this Sunday, we are missing out on a huge family gathering at an apple orchard. These are the times that I feel left out and not wanted. It seems changing the time is out for everyone else so we aren't included. That makes me sad, but I do understand. It just sucks nonetheless. We have tentative plans to attend our town's Family Day after church. The 3 younger boys are really excited about doing that although if Chris' brother and his girlfriend decide to stop on the way back to the Cape, that may be out as well. Chris and I are not planners by nature and things always get mucked up when we try so I guess like everything, we'll just go with the flow and what happens, happens.

Well, I s'pose I should be off...I have a cake to order (do you think they will be able to fit 8 names?), birthday gift shopping for nieces & nephews, an ortho appointment for Jerm, a color appointment (I have to be repinked) and a myriad of other things for today. Life could be better, but it's mine and because I know what other's are going through, I'll keep it. :)