I feel the need to write about perimenopause. I'm here. This is my life right now. Honestly, I've had a few hot flashes and my periods are not every 28 days and not remotely like they have been the last 15 years or so. My sex drive surges & wanes, but all that really isn't bothersome. It isn't intrusive on my daily life. It might be irritating for a day or a minute, but what really gets me is the damn emotions. They are all over the place. I cry at the drop of the hat. Hell, I'm crying about crying. Or all of a sudden I'm super bitch and I can't control myself (I really don't like her). I can't stand the freaking roller coaster I seem to be on every.single.day.
I try to tell myself that it is a normal part of life and women have been doing this longer than I've been on this earth times a thousand. My body is doing what it is supposed to be doing and it might go on for as long as 10 years. (No, thank you. I'll take a zero.) I know all the right answers, but living it is something totally different.
A week or so ago I cried looking at baby pictures of my now 17 year old son who is kind, loving and a generally good person, but I couldn't help think of how I could have been a better parent to him. How I let him down on so many levels so many times. It literally pains my heart just thinking about it and the tears start flowing. What the? Really? If a friend told me this, I would tell her "Nonsense...he's a great kid. You did a good job!" But not for myself.
This morning I cried looking at a wedding photo of my hubby and I. Baby-faced and beautiful, the both of us. I cry thinking how fast life has flown by and cry thinking about how lucky I am that he still rocks my world, but is it the same for him? Do I still rock his world? What the hell is wrong with me? He tells me he loves me everyday. Our sex life is fine. Why? Why does this happen?
I can't seem to shut off these very visceral thoughts and that is hard for me. I grew up with the Great Wall of China around my heart and feelings. It was something that I had to do to preserve myself. No one, but a few, were allowed into where I kept my fragile self. Then as I grew older (and bolder), I started to allow people in. I realized most people are good hearted and kind which is a lovely thing, but I seem to have lost all control now.
Listen, I don't know why I am writing this except for maybe to just get it off my chest. Especially now that I have no filter. If you see me crying, it's probably just my whack job hormones taking a stroll. No worries and feel free to move along, but if you get this post even a little bit, please let me know that I'm not alone in the utter craziness of perimenopause.
Showing posts with label life changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life changes. Show all posts
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Monday, January 10, 2011
Adult Caregiving
So, I've stepped into the realm of being an adult caregiver. This isn't something I was totally unready for, but let's just say, I wasn't fully prepared either. Having had many children probably makes the adult caregiver role a bit easier since it requires many of the same things and strategies.
I've shared about my issues with my mother that go back to when I was a child. I now have full care of my mother most weekdays (she has Alzheimer's) for an undetermined amount of time. It is all consuming. It makes me want to cry many days. Sometimes for just being SO tired and other times just because the roles have reversed between mother and child. It is very hard hearing my mother tell me that she is confused and does not know "where she is". Sometimes I have little patience for hearing the same things over and over again, but then she'll sing along to some old country songs and her happiness makes everything right again.
I think this disease is pretty awful. To watch someone lose their faculties slowly, but steadily is pretty damn awful. While we can prepare ourselves that death is coming, you never know how long you will have to watch before it does. You never know what is in store that day. My sister has told me that I will have aged about 5 years if I have my mother for just one short month. She knows. She did this for my father who had dementia. I watched my grandmother deteriorate with this same disease and for the first time, I understand what my own mother must've went through. It's not fair, but as we all know, life isn't fair. I will say that I've been SO blessed with these amazing friends who text or send messages to make sure I have sanity checks and cheer me on.
I hope that my children are spared such things when it comes to their father and I although their compassion and love for their not often seen grandmother is really touching. They care for her, engage her in their life and give her love that she never knew until now. They have each made sacrifices for her to come and live here as comfortably as possible and not one of them has complained or acted like a nitwit. I'm so thankful for their ability to adapt and accept for their family.
I am mostly thankful for the opportunity to care for my mother. I am thankful that I can be the one to hug her when she is confused and tell her it is ok. Perhaps this will help heal my hurts from long ago, but even if it doesn't, I can say that I did the right thing. Not the easiest thing, but the right thing. I finally stepped up and did what was needed. I grew up.
I've shared about my issues with my mother that go back to when I was a child. I now have full care of my mother most weekdays (she has Alzheimer's) for an undetermined amount of time. It is all consuming. It makes me want to cry many days. Sometimes for just being SO tired and other times just because the roles have reversed between mother and child. It is very hard hearing my mother tell me that she is confused and does not know "where she is". Sometimes I have little patience for hearing the same things over and over again, but then she'll sing along to some old country songs and her happiness makes everything right again.
I think this disease is pretty awful. To watch someone lose their faculties slowly, but steadily is pretty damn awful. While we can prepare ourselves that death is coming, you never know how long you will have to watch before it does. You never know what is in store that day. My sister has told me that I will have aged about 5 years if I have my mother for just one short month. She knows. She did this for my father who had dementia. I watched my grandmother deteriorate with this same disease and for the first time, I understand what my own mother must've went through. It's not fair, but as we all know, life isn't fair. I will say that I've been SO blessed with these amazing friends who text or send messages to make sure I have sanity checks and cheer me on.
I hope that my children are spared such things when it comes to their father and I although their compassion and love for their not often seen grandmother is really touching. They care for her, engage her in their life and give her love that she never knew until now. They have each made sacrifices for her to come and live here as comfortably as possible and not one of them has complained or acted like a nitwit. I'm so thankful for their ability to adapt and accept for their family.
I am mostly thankful for the opportunity to care for my mother. I am thankful that I can be the one to hug her when she is confused and tell her it is ok. Perhaps this will help heal my hurts from long ago, but even if it doesn't, I can say that I did the right thing. Not the easiest thing, but the right thing. I finally stepped up and did what was needed. I grew up.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Coming up with a plan
So...hubby and I are in the midst of getting ready to change some eating habits. He is also beginning to analyze how to get more cardio into his already full, mostly labor intensive day.
What brought this on? Well, he has some spots on his skin that are troublesome and he also has tennis elbow which is extremely troublesome when it comes to the type of work he does. So he finally decided to find a doctor. /gasp/ Crazy thought, huh? He's a real forward thinker.
During his first visit to said doctor (and of course by doctor I mean physician's assistant because you don't really ever see doctors anymore) his blood pressure was pretty high. Even by my standards. Of course, they told him in no uncertain terms that he "needed" to be on BP meds. Right.that.minute. He refused. Now to give him credit, they did not take his BP a second time during that visit. Each time I've gone to any of my doctors (OB/GYN or GP), they always take it a second time after I've been there awhile and it always comes down to within normal or borderline normal limits. I was totally in agreement with him on refusing meds.
Now he went back again today. It was very high. BUT, they took it again. The bottom number stayed a bit too high...the top number went down to a reasonable place. The PA told him she wants him on meds. He refused again, but told her that he would watch his diet and add cardio into his life. I, again, am behind him 100%. He also realizes that if in 3-6 months his BP has not changed with a diet & exercise overhaul, he needs to be on the meds and will do so willingly.
So within this coming week, we are going to discuss how to change his diet. I can't say he eats awfully and at least one meal a day is home cooked and mostly healthy. We rarely eat fast food or even take out because we simply cannot afford it. I think, like me, the change that will work the most will be the cardio. He has a bike so I think he'll be going through it, giving it a tune up and using it. Thankfully all the younger kids will be able to join him (sans Emma) so I think that is awesome. He also mentioned getting a kayak. We live in an area that is full of places to kayak and we've wanted one for so long. I think this may be the last little push he needed to bite the bullet and get one. (He wants us to to have separate kayaks because of some nonsense of me not paddling when we used to canoe...pppppttttthhhhhbbbbbbttttttt is what I say to that!)
I am excited for this change and I am happy that he wants to be healthy. I hope the change is life long, mostly, because I would hate to lose my best friend.
What brought this on? Well, he has some spots on his skin that are troublesome and he also has tennis elbow which is extremely troublesome when it comes to the type of work he does. So he finally decided to find a doctor. /gasp/ Crazy thought, huh? He's a real forward thinker.
During his first visit to said doctor (and of course by doctor I mean physician's assistant because you don't really ever see doctors anymore) his blood pressure was pretty high. Even by my standards. Of course, they told him in no uncertain terms that he "needed" to be on BP meds. Right.that.minute. He refused. Now to give him credit, they did not take his BP a second time during that visit. Each time I've gone to any of my doctors (OB/GYN or GP), they always take it a second time after I've been there awhile and it always comes down to within normal or borderline normal limits. I was totally in agreement with him on refusing meds.
Now he went back again today. It was very high. BUT, they took it again. The bottom number stayed a bit too high...the top number went down to a reasonable place. The PA told him she wants him on meds. He refused again, but told her that he would watch his diet and add cardio into his life. I, again, am behind him 100%. He also realizes that if in 3-6 months his BP has not changed with a diet & exercise overhaul, he needs to be on the meds and will do so willingly.
So within this coming week, we are going to discuss how to change his diet. I can't say he eats awfully and at least one meal a day is home cooked and mostly healthy. We rarely eat fast food or even take out because we simply cannot afford it. I think, like me, the change that will work the most will be the cardio. He has a bike so I think he'll be going through it, giving it a tune up and using it. Thankfully all the younger kids will be able to join him (sans Emma) so I think that is awesome. He also mentioned getting a kayak. We live in an area that is full of places to kayak and we've wanted one for so long. I think this may be the last little push he needed to bite the bullet and get one. (He wants us to to have separate kayaks because of some nonsense of me not paddling when we used to canoe...pppppttttthhhhhbbbbbbttttttt is what I say to that!)
I am excited for this change and I am happy that he wants to be healthy. I hope the change is life long, mostly, because I would hate to lose my best friend.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Come out, come out wherever you are!
I've tried in vain to come up with fun and/or witty things to write about the past couple of weeks. You see, I started this blog to be able to decompress thoughts and feelings in my head and as I read back through the last dozen or so posts, I am disgusted that all I seem to be able to write about is girlfriend drama or kids or whatever. Nothing meaty or helpful or even a bit enjoyable.
I know I can be witty...hell, sometimes even downright funny. I know I'm intelligent and I care about the world around me and the events taking place in it. However, I also realize that I don't have the time anymore to get all my ducks in row on some subjects (politics anyone?). I am trying to better myself in so many ways on top of trying to keep the house in running order and family up to speed. I find myself with a lot less time to think - never mind write.
I wish I could come up with something eloquent about how autumn in New England makes me feel. Or tell a tale or two about how I spend my 1/2 days of freedom now that number 6 is in Pre-K. Truth be told, I don't think anyone really cares about my run of the mill run on the treadmill or how I lost my breath two miles into my run and had to walk for a bit down the street. I don't think anyone wants to hear how I drink my coffee, run, do laundry and try to clean each and every day or why my library books sat here because I just couldn't find the time to bring them back when they were due.
And just so I am sure I am not setting the wrong tone, I am not upset about this. I think what I am finding out is that my RL isn't so very overwhelming (and at the same time underwhelming) anymore. I don't need an outlet as much as I used to. I am finding that even some of my IF's are becoming a part of my RL and that is awesome.
I used the computer to find friends during a time in my life that I couldn't/wouldn't find them around me and now those same friends have changed how I look at myself and my world. I've learned so much about keeping my mouth shut when I'm not certain about the stuff coming out of it (well, this always could use work...lol), about empathy and being the kind of person that people want to be like and really just living...being a part of the human race.
My journey to a better me is not even close to being done (as far as I know), but I'm enjoying it more. Perhaps knowing that my 40th birthday is looming large on the horizon also has something to do with making sure I'm living my life in a way that I'll look back and be pleased with who I've surrounded myself with and what I've accomplished. Perhaps it is even because my eldest will be 18. He is beginning adulthood and I am firmly planted here already. It often makes me reflect on what is past, but more importantly, what I want to see & feel in the future.
So I apologize for the lack of witty, entertaining posts over the last 6 or so months. I hope to rectify it at some point, but if I don't, at least you all know that I'm off living the life that I hope will be with very few regrets.
I know I can be witty...hell, sometimes even downright funny. I know I'm intelligent and I care about the world around me and the events taking place in it. However, I also realize that I don't have the time anymore to get all my ducks in row on some subjects (politics anyone?). I am trying to better myself in so many ways on top of trying to keep the house in running order and family up to speed. I find myself with a lot less time to think - never mind write.
I wish I could come up with something eloquent about how autumn in New England makes me feel. Or tell a tale or two about how I spend my 1/2 days of freedom now that number 6 is in Pre-K. Truth be told, I don't think anyone really cares about my run of the mill run on the treadmill or how I lost my breath two miles into my run and had to walk for a bit down the street. I don't think anyone wants to hear how I drink my coffee, run, do laundry and try to clean each and every day or why my library books sat here because I just couldn't find the time to bring them back when they were due.
And just so I am sure I am not setting the wrong tone, I am not upset about this. I think what I am finding out is that my RL isn't so very overwhelming (and at the same time underwhelming) anymore. I don't need an outlet as much as I used to. I am finding that even some of my IF's are becoming a part of my RL and that is awesome.
I used the computer to find friends during a time in my life that I couldn't/wouldn't find them around me and now those same friends have changed how I look at myself and my world. I've learned so much about keeping my mouth shut when I'm not certain about the stuff coming out of it (well, this always could use work...lol), about empathy and being the kind of person that people want to be like and really just living...being a part of the human race.
My journey to a better me is not even close to being done (as far as I know), but I'm enjoying it more. Perhaps knowing that my 40th birthday is looming large on the horizon also has something to do with making sure I'm living my life in a way that I'll look back and be pleased with who I've surrounded myself with and what I've accomplished. Perhaps it is even because my eldest will be 18. He is beginning adulthood and I am firmly planted here already. It often makes me reflect on what is past, but more importantly, what I want to see & feel in the future.
So I apologize for the lack of witty, entertaining posts over the last 6 or so months. I hope to rectify it at some point, but if I don't, at least you all know that I'm off living the life that I hope will be with very few regrets.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Taking a page from Julie's blog
Goals.
My first goal is to change my lifestyle. I need to make exercise a regular part of my routine. EVERY day. I'm not too shabby with the eating part although I know I have to control my portions. I've decided not to do P90X right now because honestly, it makes me feel like a failure and I want to feel good about my exercise right now. I've decided to use my treadmill & some pilates DVDs I have. I'll do the treadmill one day and the DVDs the next. So far I'm at 2 days of exercise and feeling a bit timid about sharing lest I should fail again, but I also am trying to stay in the mindset that each day is new and I can start each day as it were the first.
Anyway, in the last week I have noticed that my abs are absolutely shot (well, I knew it, but I didn't realize it was SO bad). I also get pretty painful muscle spasms there if I am not careful. I have complained about things twisting around and going numb in my ab area since carrying Thomas or Daniel, but neither of my OBs (original or current) seem to be worried about it. It isn't getting better though so I am wondering if I should push a bit harder. Truth be told, I would be thrilled to get some "reconstructive" surgery done on my tummy. Does this make me vain? Gah. I hate vain people, but I also would love a nice tummy. I know where Em gets the whole Sybil thing from...bwaahaahaahaa ;)
My second goal is to broaden my garden (bigger & more variety) which will take some studying on my part. We do the garden from seed because it is cheap, but it also makes things a bit harder. I have a black thumb and that hasn't changed for any indoor plants (seriously - I've killed a cactus!), but for some reason, I seem to be able to pull off a garden. I love weeding which probably helps. I think that my garden is another "quiet" place for me...no one bothers me there - just like the laundry area. :)
My last goal is to stop my yelling that seems to happen every morning & help my boys be more responsible about getting themselves ready for school. I have started not getting up with them (although I am awake in bed) and so far they've done ok. I have to remember to set David's clothes out the night before and I have to help him learn to get his own snack at night, but other than that, there really isn't any need for me to be up micro managing what they are doing. They can get breakfast on their own, dress, brush their teeth & hair, pack their backpacks and watch for the bus. I know the two middle boys are more than capable and David isn't far behind although he still needs help with getting breakfast.
I know there are many Moms out there who probably think I'm making them grow up too fast, but I don't see it like that. In our larger family, everyone needs to take a certain responsibility for themselves. I guess I look at it as learning life skills sooner rather than later. The more responsible they are the better and practice makes perfect. And lest I should come off as a lazy, good for nothing Mom, I do get up before the bus comes and I make sure they know I love them & wish them a good day before they walk out the door. Trust me - much more preferable than the drill instructor type yelling that was going on.
My first goal is to change my lifestyle. I need to make exercise a regular part of my routine. EVERY day. I'm not too shabby with the eating part although I know I have to control my portions. I've decided not to do P90X right now because honestly, it makes me feel like a failure and I want to feel good about my exercise right now. I've decided to use my treadmill & some pilates DVDs I have. I'll do the treadmill one day and the DVDs the next. So far I'm at 2 days of exercise and feeling a bit timid about sharing lest I should fail again, but I also am trying to stay in the mindset that each day is new and I can start each day as it were the first.
Anyway, in the last week I have noticed that my abs are absolutely shot (well, I knew it, but I didn't realize it was SO bad). I also get pretty painful muscle spasms there if I am not careful. I have complained about things twisting around and going numb in my ab area since carrying Thomas or Daniel, but neither of my OBs (original or current) seem to be worried about it. It isn't getting better though so I am wondering if I should push a bit harder. Truth be told, I would be thrilled to get some "reconstructive" surgery done on my tummy. Does this make me vain? Gah. I hate vain people, but I also would love a nice tummy. I know where Em gets the whole Sybil thing from...bwaahaahaahaa ;)
My second goal is to broaden my garden (bigger & more variety) which will take some studying on my part. We do the garden from seed because it is cheap, but it also makes things a bit harder. I have a black thumb and that hasn't changed for any indoor plants (seriously - I've killed a cactus!), but for some reason, I seem to be able to pull off a garden. I love weeding which probably helps. I think that my garden is another "quiet" place for me...no one bothers me there - just like the laundry area. :)
My last goal is to stop my yelling that seems to happen every morning & help my boys be more responsible about getting themselves ready for school. I have started not getting up with them (although I am awake in bed) and so far they've done ok. I have to remember to set David's clothes out the night before and I have to help him learn to get his own snack at night, but other than that, there really isn't any need for me to be up micro managing what they are doing. They can get breakfast on their own, dress, brush their teeth & hair, pack their backpacks and watch for the bus. I know the two middle boys are more than capable and David isn't far behind although he still needs help with getting breakfast.
I know there are many Moms out there who probably think I'm making them grow up too fast, but I don't see it like that. In our larger family, everyone needs to take a certain responsibility for themselves. I guess I look at it as learning life skills sooner rather than later. The more responsible they are the better and practice makes perfect. And lest I should come off as a lazy, good for nothing Mom, I do get up before the bus comes and I make sure they know I love them & wish them a good day before they walk out the door. Trust me - much more preferable than the drill instructor type yelling that was going on.
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