Come out, come out wherever you are!

I've tried in vain to come up with fun and/or witty things to write about the past couple of weeks. You see, I started this blog to be able to decompress thoughts and feelings in my head and as I read back through the last dozen or so posts, I am disgusted that all I seem to be able to write about is girlfriend drama or kids or whatever. Nothing meaty or helpful or even a bit enjoyable.

I know I can be witty...hell, sometimes even downright funny. I know I'm intelligent and I care about the world around me and the events taking place in it. However, I also realize that I don't have the time anymore to get all my ducks in row on some subjects (politics anyone?). I am trying to better myself in so many ways on top of trying to keep the house in running order and family up to speed. I find myself with a lot less time to think - never mind write.

I wish I could come up with something eloquent about how autumn in New England makes me feel. Or tell a tale or two about how I spend my 1/2 days of freedom now that number 6 is in Pre-K. Truth be told, I don't think anyone really cares about my run of the mill run on the treadmill or how I lost my breath two miles into my run and had to walk for a bit down the street. I don't think anyone wants to hear how I drink my coffee, run, do laundry and try to clean each and every day or why my library books sat here because I just couldn't find the time to bring them back when they were due.

And just so I am sure I am not setting the wrong tone, I am not upset about this. I think what I am finding out is that my RL isn't so very overwhelming (and at the same time underwhelming) anymore. I don't need an outlet as much as I used to. I am finding that even some of my IF's are becoming a part of my RL and that is awesome.

I used the computer to find friends during a time in my life that I couldn't/wouldn't find them around me and now those same friends have changed how I look at myself and my world. I've learned so much about keeping my mouth shut when I'm not certain about the stuff coming out of it (well, this always could use work...lol), about empathy and being the kind of person that people want to be like and really just living...being a part of the human race.

My journey to a better me is not even close to being done (as far as I know), but I'm enjoying it more. Perhaps knowing that my 40th birthday is looming large on the horizon also has something to do with making sure I'm living my life in a way that I'll look back and be pleased with who I've surrounded myself with and what I've accomplished. Perhaps it is even because my eldest will be 18. He is beginning adulthood and I am firmly planted here already. It often makes me reflect on what is past, but more importantly, what I want to see & feel in the future.

So I apologize for the lack of witty, entertaining posts over the last 6 or so months. I hope to rectify it at some point, but if I don't, at least you all know that I'm off living the life that I hope will be with very few regrets.

How did THIS happen?

No one knows that I have a blog so I'm pretty safe writing whatever here. One one hand that makes me feel incredibly alone, but on the other hand it makes me feel safe. I can say what I want about who I want without any fear of anyone ever finding me.

Right now, I am feeling incredibly alone.

You know raising 6 kids takes a fair amount of energy out of a person - out of a marriage. I've been feelings less than content since number 6 was born. Some days I feel beyond blessed, but many days I feel overworked, underpaid and alone. Hubby is a good guy and I don't want this blog to turn into Soap Opera Central or a big Hubby Bash, but while I know he loves me (or is it really just "stuck w/me"), there isn't any magic happening between us. By the end of the day I need some adult companionship and he's pretty much ready for supper and sleep. Not much time for us, you know? And when there isn't time for "us" or "me", we fall into a rut.

I don't know how to get out of this rut. It's becoming a dark place for me. It scares me to feel feelings that I haven't felt since being a teenager locked inside life w/an alcoholic father. My kids are too good for a mother who can't get her shit together. God in heaven knows I don't want to repeat the cycles of my own parents. While I'm pretty confident that I won't become an alcoholic any time soon, I'm not so sure I won't follow down the path of mental instability like my own mother.

To be perfectly honest, there is much going on in my head these days. So much that I feel tired. Bone weary tired. My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimers just as her mother (my Nana - God I miss her) was. Will this be my fate too? I jokingly tell my kiddos to take notes because this will be my fate someday, but inside my head I really feel it will be a reality for them.

My father has been dead for just over a year. Ah, yes, the alcoholic father who actually didn't do so bad at being a single parent for most of my childhood. However, his disease eventually caused some serious dementia. He didn't know me the last time I visited and he looked so old for his seventy five or so years. What I realize is that all my safety nets are unraveling or gone. I don't want to be the "safety net" yet. I'm not ready for this job. Not yet. No. You don't understand. I haven't even lived yet.

Which brings me back to my kids - my husband. I've been married for over 18 years. I'm only 37. I've been a mother for over 16 of those years. I never went to college. I never lived on my own. I feel trapped and alone and no one cares. No one likes me (boohoo), because frankly, I don't let them. I don't like myself. I don't want to be around me so why would anyone else.

It just boggles my mind because I can feel myself falling down deeper into the darkness, but I don't know how to get out. I just keep pretending I know what I'm doing and hope that eventually I'll come out into the light again.