My past

While reading my friend Leah's blog, it reminded me of my own teenage years. Two things in particular came to mind and while they aren't mirror images of Leah's own experiences, they definitely have some commonalities.

First I will preface this by letting you know that virtually my whole life was spent living with my Dad. My parents separated when I was 5 and were divorced by the time I was 6. All, but 2 and a half years were spent living with my Dad until I was married. The time I spent with my mom was short, but it was also those awful preteen/beginner teen years where a.) I believed the world revolved around me and b.) I felt certifiable many, MANY days. Needless to say, those were rough years. I ended up going back to live with my Dad halfway through my freshman year in high school right after I got caught being truant. Of course, being truant is bad, but the fact that I had spent the day with a guy trying to lose my virginity is probably the real issue here. In fact, that just gives you an idea where my head was then. I remember vividly just wanting someone (a boy) to love me and take care of me (treat me well). My dream for as long as I can remember was to be married to Prince Charming and have a gaggle of children.

So back to the small town I grew up in - desperately missing the friends & life I had in my mother's more "urban" town. I re-made friends although being painfully shy did not make the transition any easier. My saving grace was that the girl I had grown up with who lived across the street from me was a senior and had promised nothing bad would come to me. She was true to her word and I didn't get any crap from any upper class men. While I started to fit in again, I still missed the friends/boys from EH. I still kept in touch via phone with some and one day, without warning I had a guy I knew from EHHS pick me up after my Dad went to work and I didn't come home. I didn't call anyone either. I just disappeared. Let me say, as a parent, this must've been terrifying. While my father could be a total ass when he was drunk (he was a high functioning alcoholic), he made parenting an out of control 14/15 year old look absolutely simple. I cry even now thinking how awful I must've made him feel on so many occasions and I cannot even apologize to him because he's been dead for 2 years now. /sob/

So I ditched the guy who had picked me up and had him drop me off at a shady Peruvian's house I knew. I had a crush on this guy forever and a day and he toyed with me most of the time. By this time, I was not a virgin anymore. That had been taken care of on my father's living room couch one evening. This guy snuck me into his room past his Mom (who hated all the girls) and we were awoken sometime in the middle of the night by his Mom who had been awoken by the state police at her door looking for me. Needless to say, she was NOT pleased to find me in her son's room and I knew I wouldn't be staying there again. I parted ways with G early the next morning and I never contacted him again. I'm pretty sure he went to jail at some point for drug dealing.

I ended up staying at another guy's house (the same one I was truant with) for a day or two, a night in my mother's shed (she was on a trip), another friend's house in the neighboring town and then my aunt (my Dad's sister) graciously lent me her couch even though my parents & sister had told everyone not to help me out. I will forever hold a special place in my heart for my Auntie Betty. She died 3 and half years ago from cancer, but I have never met anyone like her. She genuinely thought with her heart. She forgave easy and did what she thought was right even if it wasn't the popular choice. I miss her as much as I miss my Dad and our family hasn't been the same since she died.

During this week or so, I spent most of it stoned. Mostly smoked hash and then spent time looking for something to eat. I find it pretty ridiculous that I had no money, but I could always find someone who would get me high for free. I also realized that I was in love with a guy (truant guy) who would never be able to love me the way I needed to be loved. He was absolutely amazing in bed - seriously - but the kind of love I was looking for would never be there. We fooled around lots of times even after this point and while I think I held a special place in his heart, even then I knew nothing would come of it. We've lost touch and reconnected over the years and currently we've lost touch. Last time I knew he was married and living out west. I won't lie, I think of him sometimes. I truly believe he was the first person I ever really loved.

I ended up meeting my Dad for coffee at a restaurant that no longer exists and deciding that I was ready to go home. I found that after this whole ordeal, my Dad stopped being "parental" for lack of a better word. I had a curfew, but I pretty much came and went as I wanted. The boundaries had been tested and it seemed that I had won. It probably was the fact that my Dad didn't want me to take off again although to tell the truth, I much preferred being home in my own bed with food & money at my disposal.

I wish I could say that at this point I started behaving in a self respectful way, but I didn't. I pretty much had sex with anyone. In cars, outside, at my house, at my best friend's house....didn't matter. I had boyfriends, but if I wasn't seeing anyone and someone caught my eye, I'd sleep with them. Didn't matter the age either. At 15 I slept with guys in their 20's. The fact that I could play the game and seduce someone was something I took pride in. /shudder/ I look back thinking that I had a whole lot of self loathing. I wanted something so badly (love) that I did what I thought would make it happen. It didn't happen. No one can love you until you love yourself. No one will respect you until you respect yourself. It was a hard and long lesson for me. At some point during my 16th year, something clicked in my head and I decided that I was worth more than getting laid. I was looking for and deserved more than that. It was around this point that I met my husband.

Now, old habits die hard. I actually was at a keg party with my cousin and my best friend (who were dating at the time). I was trashed - probably because I carried my own plastic beer mug attached to my jeans by a bandanna! I asked 2 guys to bring me home. Both had said they couldn't/wouldn't. I then saw my hubby and remembered him from high school (and the fact that he was friends with the same across the street neighbor who had my back). I asked him for a ride. He reluctantly agreed (he knew I was drunk). He brought me to my bf's house (where I was staying for the weekend). I tried to have sex with him, but he wasn't really interested. He stayed pretty late, but ended up leaving. During this same time I had a crush on another guy in town who totally wasn't interested in me. He had some skanky girl in a neighboring town that had a hold over him. O was the bad boy and hubby was the good boy.

My fate was decided (by my own choice) on 10/28/86 (a Tuesday). Hubby and I had a falling out (we were seeing each other which was a step down from dating - we weren't "exclusive"). He took another girl to a party and lied to me about it. He didn't realize that I might actually show up at the party and when I did, I was hurt and left with his best friend, T. The next day I had a date with T. The day after (Monday) I took a bottle of Bacardi light rum from my Dad's wet bar and went joy riding with O. It was the only time I've ever "blacked out" while drinking. I had sex with O, but I remember saying hubby's name during it - that basically ended that. We drove to the local 7-11 and who was there, but hubby. O said something about not being used to make someone else jealous and he turned around in the parking lot and took me home. When I walked through the door there was a note on the table from my Dad. Hubby had called and left a message. Of course, I knew he wasn't home so I didn't talk to him until the next day.

When we finally talked the next day, hubby apologized for lying to me and asked if I was interested in "going out" with him which means we would be "exclusive". This was the day that my life turned around and I was saved. I did a lot of growing over the next couple of years. Hubby was definitely God's way of saving me. I truly believe that God put him in my path so that I didn't end up dead. The worst thing that happened was that O's gf gave us all chlamydia. I think back to ALL the people I slept with and it is a true miracle that I didn't end up with something much worse that didn't go away with a long round of tetracycline.

While hubby and I have had our share of ups and downs and a bout of my old stupidity rearing its ugly head after J. was born (no sex involved, but I cheated), I cannot imagine being with anyone else. Hubby knows me like no other person does and the fact that he still loves me and finds me attractive gets me through those days that I don't believe in myself. He is true blue at his very core and I owe him my life. I know I wouldn't have my dreams of a good man and lots of kiddos without him. I know he was meant for me and was a gift - a saving one.