Nut job

I sit here and wonder if my friends realize how enamored I am of them and wonder if they know how I worry about each thing I say and what I do and how I react. I try to keep myself in check because I don't want to be scaring them off. I'm so afraid that is what I'll do in the end. I'm afraid that I'm never going to be funny enough, smart enough, witty enough, normal enough and one day they'll wake up and wonder how the hell they ever got involved with a nut job like me.

It's quite silly, really, when I think about it rationally, but then again, when I get this emotional, all rationality goes right out the window. I mean, my hubby married me and is still married to me and he's a pretty normal guy. He probably knows more about me than I do at this point. He knows how I worry about fitting in with people and yet, he still loves me and, for the most part, likes to be with me.

He also knows how very, very sad I am about not being able to make the next meet up. How some days I feel so disconnected from my friends and how envious I am of all the fun that will happen and I won't be able to be a part of it. Sometimes I even feel like the *new* people are taking something that feels like just mine. Again, rationally that is just crap, but I'm just so afraid that other people will take my place and I won't have a place in the group anymore. That a light bulb will go off for the collective LFFs and they'll wonder how they ever let a crack job like me into their group.

I'm seriously just so tired of worrying. It makes me irritable and cranky. I take my mostly hidden feelings out on everyone around me by being bitchy instead of just owning up to how scared I am. Of how utterly and completely scared I am to lose my friends. So yeah, there it is. Warts and all.