12-07-09

After a busy weekend, I am reflecting on my father's passing 3 years ago today. While there is sorrow still in my heart, slowly it is replaced by fond memories that make me smile and if I was truthful sometimes some not so fond memories which still bring tears to my eyes. In my personal belief system, God will allow me to know all the answers to those still nagging feelings/thoughts at some point. Maybe not this lifetime, but sometime. I take comfort in that.

My Dad was a complicated man. There was the man who drank and was a total butthole and then there was the father who doted on me and who I knew loved me unconditionally. I am positive he had demons of his own - some known to others and some not. I know he loved his kids and despite some of the craziness of growing up with an alcoholic, we loved him too. Sometimes I think me most of all. I think my Mom loved my Dad too and I think that if my Dad wasn't so controlling & abusive to her when he drank, things might have ended differently for them.

I lived with my Dad until I married Chris and moved out - well except for the 2.5 years I chose to live with my mother & stepfather. He was my confidante. I could talk to him about anything and usually did. Other people thought he was a wonderful guy - handsome, kind, compassionate, smart. He was all those things except when the drink took it away. My Dad was an enigma, but I think many people are. You cannot pigeonhole people because there are so many facets to them and often times, what you see on the outside is just a small part of what is on the inside. Anyway, he was what he was. He was good and bad and despite the bad, I still miss him and will always love him.