Christmas 2015

I don't post much anymore, but I have to say what an amazing Christmas we had this year.  As our children get older & become adults I am reminded how blessed we are to have them all together under our roof for the holidays - especially with a granddaughter who was celebrating her very first Christmas! I am also thankful for extended family and all the time we were able to share with them.  This year it didn't feel like a mad rush to open gifts, but a time to really enjoy giving & each other.  And it would be foolish not to mention the continuous laughter we shared over the last four days.  Laughing is one of my favorite things to do.  

I did not take pictures this year and I am thinking I probably should have.  I have the memories tucked away in my heart though.  Did I mention how cool it was to be a part of my granddaughters's first Christmas?  How about the coolness of watching a newly gifted movie on my laptop with #6 in her bedroom Christmas night?  Or seeing my boys enjoying each other & the new Wiiu which was a family gift...This all reminds me that life is good.

That being said, I did get the two things I specifically asked for along with other things that made me feel so incredibly spoiled!  #1 child along with his girl & #2 child and her boy gave me a new coffee mug.  It's called a hug-a-mug.  It's pottery which makes it even way cooler!  My SIL gave me a Fitbit Charge HR which was the other coveted item.  They also gave me other lovely items which enhanced the spoiling effect!  And DH overfilled my stocking as usual plus bought me things he knew would make me happy (a new drill!  Yay!) even though we don't buy each other gifts usually.

I think the most fun was watching my kids open their gifts.  They all seemed so appreciative of the presents they received which to me is huge.  I loved surprising them with things that were on their list, but they didn't think they were getting.  I also loved seeing #6's surprise when Santa left her a reply to her letter.  She questioned Santa's existence this year so I know we are at the end of the magical years which is bittersweet.  

What a lovely way to end a year and a very stressful season.  I hope 2016 is as good as 2015 has been.

Why I don't Facebook anymore

It's been such a long time and things have changed.  Don't they always?!  Silly me for always being surprised!

I stopped facebooking over a year ago.  One day I had just had enough of a certain person's "look at me" posts and shut down my account.  I took the apps off my phone and ipad and swore I would never go back.  I had numerous family & friends tell me to ignore/block/delete the person and come back to Facebook, but I held my ground.  That's not to say I didn't think of coming back.  I did.  I had marvelous plots in my head about how I could get around *that* person, but then I would think it just really wasn't worth it.

I miss my friends the most.  The friends that I met on babyzone over 10 years ago and then have met numerous times in person.  I miss my friend, H, from England.  I miss my friends, J & J, from Canada.  Heck, I miss my friend, C, from Boston and, gosh, there are just too many to count.  Our lives have changed so much over the last 10 years, but the reasons for me to love them hasn't.  

I did reactivate my account.  I have pics that I need to get because I had my hard drive crash on my laptop.  I have lurked once or twice in the last few months, but really, I still find my blood boil when I see *that* person liking everything on FB and still being "look at me...I'm so awesome".  Honestly, while the problem is definitely my own, I find no way around it, but to give up FB.  I emailed/texted some friends today.  Just to let them know I missed them and was thinking of them.  Not the same as getting daily snippets of their life, but really all I am able to have in good conscience it seems.

I can't say that I have really missed FB.  I find that it becomes an addiction for most people I know, myself included.  I also read an article lately about narcissism and how it relates to social media.  I don't want to be narcissistic.  I don't want to live under the false assumption that 500 people care that much about what I do, say or think each day.  My friends might care, but there are other channels to reach out to them and family as well.  I think I need to search and use those ways.

In the mean time, I'm going to get on with the retrieving of my pictures and then be done with FB for good.  Hopefully, my friends will still know where to find me.

What is *that*?!

So you might be wondering, "What are those things?" Or you might be saying, "Those look like recycled pants legs hanging on crutches." Well, here's the explanation.

So I've gone and broke my foot. I would love to tell you that it was while I was working out or something fantastic like that. Unfortunately, I can only tell you that I was dragging a full hamper of dirty laundry down the stairs from the upstairs hallway and managed to find a shoe on the very last stair to trip on. I heard a crack as I was falling and pretty much knew instantly that I had done something very bad. As I laid there howling not knowing what to do next, I was thankful that I wasn't alone. Jeremy and his pup were by my side inside 20 seconds. After getting up, crying, putting on some sweats, crying, brushing my hair & teeth, crying and getting a hold of my hubby who was at the dentist, I ended up in the ER. After having xrays and getting my splint and some nifty crutches, I was out the door and headed home.

I soon found out that crutches mean you cannot hold anything and walk at the same time. I had pockets in my pants, but they didn't hold much, but the home phone and my cell. And what happens when you have pants on without pockets? I mean, let's face it. My leg and foot are pretty wide now that they are splint covered. Pants choices are limited. Last night on a whim I decided to search "crutches" on Pinterest. I found a picture of a bag someone had made out of denim for crutches. The light bulb went on and so this morning after I made my way down the stairs on my butt, I went to work on making these nifty bags for MY crutches. I used pant legs cut off from some holey-kneed pants that I turned into shorts for the boys. So far they have held: my cell, the house phone, deodorant, perfume, underwear, sock (notice there is no plural there.../sigh/), bra, library book, scissors, duct tape, garbage bag (for covering foot/leg in shower), buttered toast (stored in a sandwich container) and a couple of Advil. I'd say the few hours of rudimentary sewing was a huge success!!

Now if only I could be miraculously healed..... /grin/

Shut out

Oh dear Lord. Here we go again.

I love my extended family. If my brothers or sister needed anything and I could help, I'd drop whatever I was doing and do what I could. I loved my Dad despite his alcoholism and verbal abuse (at times). Here's where it gets tricky. I honestly do not know what I feel for my Mom. I mean, I took care of her last winter along with my brother. I wasn't abusive and I really did care how she felt, what she ate...really, she was like having another child. Fast forward one year and I am really just ambivalent towards her. I don't want anything bad to happen to her (obviously), but I don't have any real feelings that make me want to call her or visit her. I took dinner over on Thanksgiving and saw her on Christmas Eve, but that's about it.

So she has been removed from her home again. Placed in the same hospital she was evaluated in before. I haven't gone to visit. I haven't even thought about it really. I've asked my brother (who has POA and Conservatorship) for updates (and gotten them when asked). Now it seems that she is being moved somewhere permanent and I found out about it on Facebook from a status my sister posted.

Here's where the "Shut Out" part comes in. I have obviously been some sort of heinous bitch of a daughter because my sister is not speaking to me. Oh wait, she will send one or two word texts if I send her one first. She also responded glibly to an email that I sent all three of my siblings, but I know there is a storm brewing underneath all of that which I've decided to ignore because I don't need the drama in my life. If she wants to spill it, she will. I'm not going to beg for a "beating". Did I mention that she is talking all about her trip to CT in March with my niece & her babies, but has yet to even mention it to me?! You know what's funny? She sends my kids crap for every holiday thinking that this is how she will be a part of their life, but when push comes to shove, my kids see her for how she behaves to me. Not much respect there, I'm afraid.

My brother, on the other hand, has yet to respond to my text of yesterday which asked him what was going on because of what my sister posted on Facebook. I texted him at 2:39pm and he most def. received the message. I know he is busy with work and his life (gasp, we all have one). I've checked my email about 3 dozen times to make sure that I am not missing an update. As of 9am this morning, NOTHING. NADA.

I do not claim to be the perfect daughter or even a good one, but I think I deserve to know what is going on. Apparently my punishment for not being able to help my mother before our NYC competition is being shut out. Here's a shout out to dysfunctional and passive aggressive families. Let's never clear the air...instead, let's ignore the person we're angry at. Yeah, that's a great plan.......

What the?

I came to the conclusion after doing a 5 mile loop walk yesterday that there are losers in my town. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, the thing I noticed the most yesterday was the sheer amount of empty beer cans along the side of the road. And they weren't just any beer cans. No. They were cheap, nasty tasting, domestic crap - Busch Lite to be exact. And the cans were not crushed or exposed to the elements for too long. In fact, most of them looked brand new. I then decided that someone is not only littering (which is terribly trashy - no pun intended), but they are driving while drinking. Two of the biggest "no-nos" in my book.

I find it very sad that littering is ok to some people - especially in the setting of our small woodsy & farm-like town. It shows such a lack of respect for the beauty of this place. And driving while drinking? That's just all kinds of stupid.

So I'm thinking of packing rubber gloves and a bag the next time I do "the loop" and picking up the junk that the asshole(s) has/have left behind. It would also be nice to catch the person or persons responsible and give them a piece of my mind, but that is unlikely to happen.

2012 - The year of being kinder

So 2012 has come and we've said goodbye to 2011 (thank goodness). All in all, I don't know many people who didn't have some sort of struggle last year including myself. I am glad for a new year and new possibilities. It is funny how a change in the year also brings a change of mindset. Renewal of strength and optimism, in my case.

I've decided that I need to be kinder. Kinder to my children, kinder to my husband and mostly, kinder to myself. While I hold my family & friends to a high mark, I hold myself even higher. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it often sets me up for disappointment - mostly with myself.

One of the ways I plan to be kinder is to watch my language and to work on yelling. This is going to be tough. I have no filter and really haven't for a long time. Perhaps that makes me some sort of bad person, but there it is, in black and white. I could make a sailor or truck driver blush. I don't really have a problem with curse words as long as they aren't used to degrade someone (and believe me...I am no saint in this area). If you stub your toe and say "F^%$", I think that is acceptable, but I think most people would not agree. Anyway, we now have a swear jar. I'm sure I'll be filling it within no time.

The other way I plan to be kinder is to exercise at least 5x per week, eat right and drink lots of water. Let's just say I stepped on the stoooopid scale this week and I was rudely slapped down to reality. I am worth being healthy and I know that exercising will a.) keep me off of blood pressure meds for the time being and b.) eventually bring me to a healthier weight. This is where being kinder/making excuses will walk a fine line. I will not beat myself up for not exercising for 2 hours every day, but I won't be ok with not exercising. This is my plan. Please kick me (or email - whichever is most handy) if you see or hear of this NOT happening. The eating part of the plan will likely just be normal and perhaps more of a portion thing. I know I don't eat poorly for the most part and will likely just try to add more veggies to our family diet. I will also get back to the "no junk food in the house" rule which really does help. As far as the water goes, it will be a struggle some days and easy others. I don't get it, but there it is.

And lastly, my daily "kinder to me" mantra will be that I cannot do it all and that's ok. Not everyone will like me and I will let people down, but I need to just do my best. I need to let go of feeling overwhelmed ALL.THE.TIME. and allow others to pull their own weight/do their own thing and remember that I can only change myself and how I react to others. I am a good person, but a work in progress, all the same.

I am thinking about keeping a journal for the year and just jotting down something each day to see my changes, etc. I am hoping to keep the positives flowing and rid myself of the negatives that hinder me from achieving all the things I know I can.

Here is to 2012 - may it be happy, healthy and I daresay, prosperous. :)

Storm Alfred...One Woman's Tale

It started off as a chance of snow. Then, as it got closer to the weekend - which was to be an anniversary weekend away from home without children which hasn't happened in over 7 years - it was turning into something bigger. By the time we left Friday afternoon for our "weekend away", it was being called a true Nor'easter.

We spent a glorious night away and then during late afternoon turned back toward CT. Alfred made his presence known as we drove south from North Conway, New Hampshire. The snow and rain, often mixing together got heavier and heavier. By the time we hit Massachusetts, we were heavily into the storm. The roads were awful and many of the other drivers apparently had left their New England common sense at home. Typical first snowfall of the season, really.

The real fun began when I tried to call home and got nothing. Not a good sign. When we finally got off the highway and headed into town, we were greeted with a poll and large tree down and blocking the road. We took an alternate route and finally got home knowing that this storm was going to be bad. Not in the amount of snow that fell, but in the heaviness of it all. Because the weather was still "fall like" and temps had not/were not terribly low, the snow was extremely heavy. As I assumed from the downed line on the state road and the lack of connection on the home phone, we had no power. Thankfully we had the generator and got that hooked up as soon as possible and then hubby tried to rest because he knew he'd be working from storm's end to whenever the snow removal was done.

So the next day dawned and with it brought hope that things would now get back to normal. My beautiful magnolia that I've photographed so many times was just crushed and seeing it, so was my heart. The two Hawthorn trees were also damaged and the big Sugar Maple within the circle of the drive, lost more than a few branches. My beautiful red plum was sideways, leaning on my truck, but not totally out of the ground and my baby Sugar Maple looked more like a weeping cherry until I shook the snow off of it. I fixed the deer fencing that protects my chicken yard from above and shoveled the snow enough for the girls to get into the yard. I also, while re-littering the nesting boxes, picked up the lone black hen who had weathered the storm outside of the coop and put her back in the coop. I took many pictures that morning because while the snow was so damaging, it was also beautiful in the early sunlight.

We, of course, were still without power. Hubby had left at 2am to start snow removal and got home around 2pm. Instead of trying to figure out dinner, we found out that there was a 99 (chain restaurant) open about 25 minutes away (kids eat free on Sundays in October) and so our pack of misfits piled in the family truckster and headed out. I didn't think to plug in our corded land line phone at this point, although it wouldn't have mattered. They didn't charge the "slicks" during this storm either (one of my beefs during Hurricane Irene a few months back). We didn't get it back until Friday afternoon. I was surprised to only have 14 messages on the voicemail.

The next day came with hubby needing to survey tree damage which there was plenty to see. There is a rhythm to running the generator here and really, it runs everything except my electric range/oven and some of the lighting/switches. As I have said before...being without electricity here is an inconvenience for us. When we run the generator, the kids can charge their hand held video games and watch TV (DVR and DVD). I can play on/recharge the laptop and even plug in the washing machine. Basically, we are prepared. We have a wood stove to heat with, a generator to run our essentials and a gas grill and microwave to cook in. Heck, I even have a fryer which I can plug in and use.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday....they all ran into each other. No power. No school. Snippets of news from the radio at 6pm while cooking dinner on the grill. I am proud to say that we ate well every single evening and I baked bread 3 times during the week, on the grill, with decent results. The thing about living so far out in the country is that you don't see anyone really. It's not a neighborhood setting. You get cut off from others and can start to feel desperately alone. It's not the lack of cable or creature comforts that got me...it was the lack of being able to be connected to people. The kids had a ball...no homework, no worries...lots of video games and relaxing. It helped that the weather was for the most part absolutely perfect. Sunny days that were seasonably warm. Good enough to play outside for a bit and cool enough that it felt good to come in. And really, who doesn't love snowball fights with all the kids who live on the Hill? Even I had a few coffee "dates" that week with a friend.

Friday....almost a full 7 days without power...I hit my wall. I unfroze homemade chicken soup for supper and decided that I would make garlic cheddar biscuits on the grill. The grill was acting stupid and low on gas so hubby changed it after they'd been on there for almost 1/2 hour (biscuits need to be baked at a relatively high temp for a short amount of time). It ended up being burnt bottom biscuits for the big batch. THEN, for the second smaller batch, it was "watch the grill start on fire because of grease and ruin everything". For some reason, the biscuit incident sent me over the edge. I was tired of cooking on the grill. I was tired of being alone. I felt miserable in my heart and in my soul and anyone around me was going to get a taste of it (yeah, yeah...PMS too). Hubby, instead of leaving me out in the cold which is what I would have done, took me to the grocery store where he pampered me by buying me something "cheesy" for comfort. (Amy's Organics Cheese Pizza Pocket Sandwich AND Cheddar and Bean burrito. Both microwaveable. No worries...I only ate the pocket sandwich!) And while this may not seem like much, he waited while I pretty much read the ingredients of EVERY.SINGLE.FROZEN.CHEESY.ITEM. I really should have just started in the organic freezer aisle. We also picked up a few odds and ends like organic butter. Did I mention toast was another comfort food? /grin/

Saturday rolls around and with it the guarantee from CL&P (*a division of the EVER GREEDY Northeast Utilities who are also partly responsible for the Northern Pass mess up in NH*) that 99% of customers would be restored by midnight on Sunday. On this day I decide to tackle a project to keep my mind from blowing another gasket. My bedroom. The big closet is vomiting out its contents, E's toys are strewn about and the broken treadmill is laying in the midst of all the chaos. Oh and I forgot to mention that the boys keep busting my one working upright vacuum so I haven't been able to vacuum the disgusting, awful, can't-wait-to-be-rid-of-it carpeting in some time. By the end of Saturday, my room is half done and my closet is back to its neat and tidy self. There is still no power, but I've invited hubby's siblings, nephews and niece over for pizza so there is at least something to look forward to and be thankful for. I'm so glad that they came...really. It was so much fun to just hang out and talk, drink wine and be a family and I daresay it took our minds off of the week that had just passed and gave us maybe some hope for what the coming week would be like.

Sunday dawns with no power, but I'm up at the crack of dawn (Good riddance to DST). I start the generator, turn on my Keurig and brew a cup of joe and start on finishing my job in the bedroom. Soon enough, the kids tell me (while the generator is on) that we have cable now. While hubby goes to help our retired neighbor start his generator, he is told that the neighbor has called CL&P and put in an emergency call. They are both diabetics and need to keep their insulin cold. Without the snow (which has melted) they cannot. Hubby and I head out to do errands and we come back to the 6 children who have now hit their wall. One locked out in bare feet, two eldest angry...good times. While we are having rational discussions (no really...they were actually rational!) with all the parties involved with the generator running, I notice my stove is blinking the time....Oh sweet JESUS, YES!!!! Off goes the generator and back on the grid. Power is restored! I am so excited that I promise cookies and cake and a yummy meal cooked INSIDE the home. I finish up the bedroom "clean and revamp" and Shrimp Scampi graces our table that evening and we all are happy.

I'm not sure I've learned much from the storm except that I really loathe the drone of small engines running. I guess I also learn that it pays to be prepared as best as you can. I am thankful that we heeded warnings back in 2005 to have an electrician come and get us generator ready. Things would have been a million times worse if we didn't. I think our only change after Alfred (and his friend Irene before him) will be to convert to a gas range so that cooking can be done inside of our house. Whether I get the Wolf range is still up in the air. /grin/

I will say this as a closing: I can't say I missed the hum of the electricity. There is something pretty special about the absolute silence that the lack of electricity leaves you with in a world that seems is always busy and moving...you just have to stop and enjoy it. And then remember to do that daily.....