No one knows that I have a blog so I'm pretty safe writing whatever here. One one hand that makes me feel incredibly alone, but on the other hand it makes me feel safe. I can say what I want about who I want without any fear of anyone ever finding me.
Right now, I am feeling incredibly alone.
You know raising 6 kids takes a fair amount of energy out of a person - out of a marriage. I've been feelings less than content since number 6 was born. Some days I feel beyond blessed, but many days I feel overworked, underpaid and alone. Hubby is a good guy and I don't want this blog to turn into Soap Opera Central or a big Hubby Bash, but while I know he loves me (or is it really just "stuck w/me"), there isn't any magic happening between us. By the end of the day I need some adult companionship and he's pretty much ready for supper and sleep. Not much time for us, you know? And when there isn't time for "us" or "me", we fall into a rut.
I don't know how to get out of this rut. It's becoming a dark place for me. It scares me to feel feelings that I haven't felt since being a teenager locked inside life w/an alcoholic father. My kids are too good for a mother who can't get her shit together. God in heaven knows I don't want to repeat the cycles of my own parents. While I'm pretty confident that I won't become an alcoholic any time soon, I'm not so sure I won't follow down the path of mental instability like my own mother.
To be perfectly honest, there is much going on in my head these days. So much that I feel tired. Bone weary tired. My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimers just as her mother (my Nana - God I miss her) was. Will this be my fate too? I jokingly tell my kiddos to take notes because this will be my fate someday, but inside my head I really feel it will be a reality for them.
My father has been dead for just over a year. Ah, yes, the alcoholic father who actually didn't do so bad at being a single parent for most of my childhood. However, his disease eventually caused some serious dementia. He didn't know me the last time I visited and he looked so old for his seventy five or so years. What I realize is that all my safety nets are unraveling or gone. I don't want to be the "safety net" yet. I'm not ready for this job. Not yet. No. You don't understand. I haven't even lived yet.
Which brings me back to my kids - my husband. I've been married for over 18 years. I'm only 37. I've been a mother for over 16 of those years. I never went to college. I never lived on my own. I feel trapped and alone and no one cares. No one likes me (boohoo), because frankly, I don't let them. I don't like myself. I don't want to be around me so why would anyone else.
It just boggles my mind because I can feel myself falling down deeper into the darkness, but I don't know how to get out. I just keep pretending I know what I'm doing and hope that eventually I'll come out into the light again.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I just need to tell you that I like you....love you in fact...and, well that's all for right now.
ReplyDeleteFunny, b/c what Jackie said is what I wanna say. You may not feel like you like yourself but I am awe at the possibility of it. I see so much in you. So much it seems that you don't see. You're so funny, you're so smart, so fantastic all around. I was naturally drawn to you in Boston. You are phenomenal. So in the meantime, in b/w the time you need to realize how awesome you are, I will know it for you.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine seeing my parents go into dementia. It it something that terrifies me honestly. To imagine my parents not recognizing me or to imagine seeing my parents poorly in a state I know they won't be able to get out of. I imagine my feelings will be similar.
I think its important to find something Di, that is yours, just yours. Not Chris', not your kids, but yours. God designed you the way you are supposed to be. There is a desire in your heart He has placed there...its taking that step to find it. Of course it begs the question.."Sure Gretchen. Good stuff....but um....dude...6 kids...1 husband...time comes from where??" That bit is the hard bit but pray for it if there isn't any time at all for yourself. Take it and ask Him to take away the guilt.
I wish I had answers and the checklist to go through for you. What I do have is a whole lotta love and support that will continue to go to you from ole Saint Louie. I wish I was closer cause I would give you the biggest hug EVER and of course the hand face stress thing ;)
You so totally rock and are not alone. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Trust me when I say everyone of us goes through the same feelings you are going through.
ReplyDeleteHaving been raised in a family that was sitcom standard you'd think I'd be the vision of normalcy and I'm not. I often dream of the day when the kids are grown and I'm on my own again.
I love my husband terribly but truth be told if we were to split or he were to die I would never dream of tying myself to another man because it's just SO much work with the constant giving of yourself.
You are such a wonderful person, such a likeable person and you're not giving yourself far enough credit for the lovely soul that radiates fun and spunkiness.
I love you too and you bet your ASS you're not done with me yet!
"I love you too and you bet your ASS you're not done with me yet!"
ReplyDeleteYeah, like that one :)
My 2 cents - for what it's worth.
ReplyDeleteI liked you long before I met you in person. Actually getting to meet you and know *you* made me love you.
So many of the things you wrote are feelings that I've experienced too, especially the part about making friends with guys - because I've always had lots of male friends - and very few girlfriends. Aside from my LFF's - I have 2 female friends in my inner circle, and how amazing is it to have finally expanded it. I still find it odd that people like me. But I'm glad they do.
You are a great friend Di. I wish we lived closer - so that we could hang out more often because I really *really* enjoyed my time with you.
I am completely befuzzled at the very thought that you don't have a whole street full of girlfriends wanting to hnag out with all day every day! You were the best fun to be with! I love you, I felt completely at ease with you. I hate to say it but you are sort of making me feel that I need to change the way I treat myself too, we owe it to ourselves and our children to take so much better care of ourselves. You are wonderful.
ReplyDelete