I spoke to my sister last night. Generally, I don't take her calls unless I have to. While I love her and I want only good things for her, her life is all about drama. There is always something and frankly, I just don't have the energy for it anymore. I spent many years being a stable adult figure for her young children when she went through her first divorce. I would drop anything I was doing if she called and said "I need you". My life pretty much revolved around hers and I look back and think "How the heck did I do it?" Oh wait, I didn't really have much on my plate. No kids, a good job, a great boyfriend. I was just a kid myself, really.
So it was an ok conversation last night. I mean it was the usual where I don't get a word in edgewise and she does all the talking except for the occasional "Uh huh" from my end, but it wasn't the earth shattering, my life is falling apart stuff. I can handle that. I mean, Chris wasn't home, we had eaten dinner rather late even for us and the kiddos were eating their ice cream so I had a few minutes. All is good - we hang up the phone and life goes on until this morning...
I open my email after I do my web browsing in the morning while drinking my coffee right before I sign off to get laundry done or the kitchen clean or whatever else I think I must do at the moment. Today there is an email from my sister. Ok. I open it because it looks fairly innocuous. (ugh). She has had another "discussion" with her current husband (after our conversation last night). In my eyes, he's a friggen' idiot who I have zero respect for, but remember I've only heard one side of the conversations and my tie is with my sister. She tells me that he "hates" her - that he said this. That during this intense conversation about their life he gets up, takes a shower and goes to bed. She's now left him. Taken his credit cards and some keys. And is she a bad mother for wanting to only take Olivia? - because see they adopted a sibling pair from Cambodia and Simon - the oldest -, well, he has some serious mental issues...like they've been told he has severe attachment issues and is likely a sociopath. Are you kidding me?! What the hell am I supposed to say? Oh and for clarification, her 4 children from her first marriage are all fully grown adults. All over the age of 21, don't live at home.
As callous as this sounds, I don't care. Do whatever the hell you'd like, but leave me out of it. I can't go there. I find it incredibly selfish that life should revolve around these issues that she and her hubby are having. Either get some counseling or cut bait, but why keep going around and around on the same damn issues for years and years and years. WHY? I also have already gone this route with her. While I don't wish anything bad, I just want to be left alone about it. And please, PLEASE don't move back to CT and bring this bunch of horse poop with you! I don't want my kids involved - I don't want myself involved. Get your shit together on your own and figure it out. Ah, what I wouldn't give to be able to say this, but you know what? I would never. It would never cross my lips.
So I am stuck between really wanting to tell her to grow the fuck up (sorry for any virgin ears) and being the strong, stable person in her life. In many ways I feel like I owe her. She became my mother figure when she was 15 and my mother decided that she was done with my father. My sister stepped up and ran an 8 room colonial with an alcoholic father, a 5 year old sister and an older brother who was just about out of the house (our eldest brother had recently got married). That's a tall order for a girl just a year older than my Rebecca. She did it. I love her for it. I guess I wonder when it is ok to let go. When have I paid my dues for that because I feel incredibly guilty every time I think she needs to "get a life".
Now for the record, I don't have the perfect life. I mess up regularly. I am flawed. BUT, I have a good life. I am continually in awe of the blessings I have. Beautiful, healthy kiddos. A kind, loving husband who is also my best friend. A MIL & FIL who love me like their own daughter. A nice house on a nice piece of land. A brand new vehicle. A gym membership. Health insurance. You see...I could go on and on and on at all the GOOD things in my life - although I know it isn't perfect. I guess I wonder why some people only find the flaws and others focus on the good. I mean, seriously, there are lots of not so pleasant things (mainly money related) that happen in my life, but for the most part, it could ALWAYS be worse. Someone else always has it worse than I do somewhere.
I just don't know how to deal with this although I know I cannot get involved with it to the extent that I have been involved before. So what do I say? How do I stay somewhat supportive without being swept away....
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I can understand your feelings. I have someone close to me that is very similar to this in fact. Its hard to listen and to give advice only to see that its not taken and then you feel like they are just setting themselves up to be a victim.
ReplyDeleteI just keep being there and being who I can be and keep advising. I believe you should do the best you can to emotionally seperate from the situation but to remain there for her. To remember that her choices are just that...hers.
Its a tough place to be. I've been and am in this place often. Its just about doing what you can to help others and make sure in the process you're also doing what is best for you. Hope that made sense.
There's only so long you can carry someone who brings you down before they become a toxic influence in your life. You owe it to yourself and to your family to limit how much negativity this woman brings into your life.
ReplyDeleteBut then again I'm a bitch that way ;)
I don't envy your position at all. I agree with Gretchen in that you can try to be supportive without becoming emotionally involved. Talk to her on your time, when you feel strong enough to do so.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Julie; you can only handle so much toxicity before you have to cut ties, or at least maintain only a surface relationship.
Also, honesty, while it may hurt in the present, usually helps in the long run. I can't keep my feelings in when I have strong opinions, and it's always been easier for me to just tell them exactly what I think. If they get mad, I'm free of the negativity, at least for a while. It's bitchy, but true.
That's my 2 cents, and worth exactly that much.