I sit here and wonder if my friends realize how enamored I am of them and wonder if they know how I worry about each thing I say and what I do and how I react. I try to keep myself in check because I don't want to be scaring them off. I'm so afraid that is what I'll do in the end. I'm afraid that I'm never going to be funny enough, smart enough, witty enough, normal enough and one day they'll wake up and wonder how the hell they ever got involved with a nut job like me.
It's quite silly, really, when I think about it rationally, but then again, when I get this emotional, all rationality goes right out the window. I mean, my hubby married me and is still married to me and he's a pretty normal guy. He probably knows more about me than I do at this point. He knows how I worry about fitting in with people and yet, he still loves me and, for the most part, likes to be with me.
He also knows how very, very sad I am about not being able to make the next meet up. How some days I feel so disconnected from my friends and how envious I am of all the fun that will happen and I won't be able to be a part of it. Sometimes I even feel like the *new* people are taking something that feels like just mine. Again, rationally that is just crap, but I'm just so afraid that other people will take my place and I won't have a place in the group anymore. That a light bulb will go off for the collective LFFs and they'll wonder how they ever let a crack job like me into their group.
I'm seriously just so tired of worrying. It makes me irritable and cranky. I take my mostly hidden feelings out on everyone around me by being bitchy instead of just owning up to how scared I am. Of how utterly and completely scared I am to lose my friends. So yeah, there it is. Warts and all.
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I kiss your warts. I bow down to your immense bravery and I LOVE you. Like really really LOVE you. The idea of not seeing you in real life in the near future near about kills me.
ReplyDeleteYou could NEVER be replaced because you are a part of my soul.
You're my pink haired, funky undie-loving, big van driving, adorable Di.
When I set out to meet you I never expected that you could mean so much to me. Now I can't imagine that there was ever a time when we weren't sisters.
So yeah.. I love your warts. I love your insecurities and I LOVE YOU. Always.
Julie put the words down that really said it best. I am excited about my trip to Toronto (although with the Air France thing I am trying not to have a mental breakdown, lol) but not having you there, Sara, Helen, not having the complete LFFs makes me sad. Di, you're such a wonderful person and incredible friend. The amazing part is that you truly don't know how amazing you are.
ReplyDeleteI want your warts. I want YOU as my friend for the good parts and the parts that you're not happy with b/c that makes YOU...YOU. I cannot tell you how blessed I feel having you as my friend. Not seeing you for 100 years wouldn't take the love for you that I have in my heart (of course that can NOT be tested b/c 100 years would kick me in the pants and frankly at 132 I might not be as mobile as I would care to be).
To be honest, at the last reunion I felt a similar way. That somehow I wouldn't matter anymore and I still worry that when people meet me they will be disappointed. So you're not alone in your insecurity. Just know you ARE alone in thinking that anyone, ANYONE could not absolutely love you. Cause if someone meets you and doesn't fall in love and feel blessed by you...they bite the big one. Its true. I said it.
Dance Party. It will happen. Oh yes my friend. It will.
Oh Di...
ReplyDeleteI wonder, maybe, if we ALL feel this way a bit and you were just brave enough to say it?!!?
I love you... I love your warts... your kids, your hubby, your hair when it is pink, your hair when it is not... ALL of you.
LOVE you... ALWAYS.
Had to come back and tell you I loved you. Because I still do :)
ReplyDeleteSweet, sweet Di...The original LFF's will always have a bond. I can't imagine how Toronto will be without you, Sara and Helen but do know that, all 3 of you will be in our hearts and minds (at least mine cause you know I love all of you the most, just sayin ;)
ReplyDeleteThe connection that has been made is forever and irreplaceable.
I love you my sweet sweet Di
Please believe me when I say that you're not alone in the insecurity department. I've been to all the meetups, and I still feel that way sometimes. But I want you to know that, at least with me, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Friendships change over time, but no one could ever take your place! If you ever find yourself worrying about being normal enough, or smart enough or witty enough for me, please just put it right out of your mind, ok? Trust me. I'm not going to stomp on your heart, ever. It's far too precious to me. I love you, Di!
ReplyDeleteYou all are incredibly kind and wonderful. I'm so, so blessed...Thank you.
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ReplyDeleteI have totally been thinking of doing a blog about this EXACTLY. How even after years, I still feel like I don't really fit in and maybe someday they'll all see it. And trying to fit in when you have kids is even harder I think. Great post. Thanks so much for sharing.
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