There are very few things that make me literally want to either stick my head in the sand or crawl into a hole and die. I've overcome so many of the things that used to make me want to do those things, but there is still one thing that makes me truly scared. So scared that I just want to shut down and hide until it is safe to come out. Money troubles.
We have had money issues since the day I became a SAHM. Sometimes they have been VERY bad. Like when we lived back in Vernon I would drive my van home knowing we hadn't made a payment in awhile making sure I didn't see any tow trucks looming and drive it quickly into the garage and shut the door. Sometimes they were just a bit bad and we might not be able to pay the electricity or cable bill right away and we would carry a month. When we sold our house in Vernon we were fortunate enough to wipe our slate clean. We paid off everything we owed, were able to put 20% down on our current house AND had money left over to fix up things, buy furniture, etc. For the first couple of years, we even paid extra on our mortgage each month so we could bring the principal amount down quicker. We were doing ok up until last fall when the economy took a huge tumble and the phone stopped ringing. Literally. No work. No work equals no money. All winter I prayed we'd have enough snow to catch up. No dice. We got by, barely. Spring, I hoped we'd get caught up. Nope, still just getting by barely. This morning my home phone got shut off. Without checking with hubby, I paid it online. Went to transfer the money and there was only a 3 figure balance in the business account. OH MY GAWD. Now I had to call hubby. Which is not a good thing. Which caused him more stress when I know he is stressed to the max already.
Money problems make me sit here crying because I don't know what else to do. Money problems make me want to run into a dark hole and not come out. Money problems make my heart beat faster and my tummy sick. I feel helpless and stupid. Stupid because we did this to ourselves. We chose to have 6 kids. We chose this life. No one made us walk down this path. I feel like such a failure. I don't have a job. I can't help out - helpless. I just use up the money, but I don't help put it in the bank. I pray because that is all I can do. I pray that my hubby doesn't keel over from a heart attack because I just laid some more stress on him this morning. I pray that we can just pay our bills...just catch up. I never ever asked to be rich. I just wanted to live without this kind of worry and without second guessing all of our decisions - including the decision to have so many children. And that makes me feel guilty. I love my kiddos more than life itself, but I know things wouldn't be as difficult if we stopped at two...or four. I know having 6 was a totally selfish thing. I wanted 6. Wanted. Not needed.
I know what people say about people like us. The kind of people who are on state insurance and have so many kids. I know that many people think that we are and have been irresponsible and have no foresight. I guess maybe that is true. I think that is probably the reason why I feel so badly because the truth hurts. That is what I think too. What I was brought up to think.
This sucks. I dream of the day that I don't have to feel this way. The day I can help this household in a monetary way. The day that my hubby doesn't have to carry this load on his own. Maybe then, I will feel smart again. Maybe then I won't feel like running and hiding. Maybe one day I won't have to worry about what people think about people like me.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
RSK: newest member of Dance Express' 2nd Company
Sunday morning. Father's Day. The day my beautiful & talented eldest daughter received the news that on her first try, she made 2nd Company at the dance studio she's been attending going on 9 years.
Honestly, I wasn't sure if she was good enough. I mean, I think she is AWESOME, but I don't dance. I know I love to watch her and I think she rocks being a choreographer. I do know that one full year in an arts magnet high school has improved her dance tremendously. I had numerous comments from other moms who were already inducted into the company stuff tell me that B. was funky and had awesome moves. They also told me that they had no doubt she would make 2nd Company.
Beep, beep, beep. Backing the bus up. June 8-11th was Tryout camp. I was told that this was a very important and useful tool to use before tryouts. It was a no brainer. I signed her up before we even left the recital. She spent 4 days with girls her age learning moves and practicing. She also was told to stretch. A LOT. She immediately grabbed the P90X stretching DVD and woke up each morning around 6am to get her hour worth of stretching in. The four days flew by and she told me that other girls and parents both told her how well they thought she did at camp.
Jump to June 17th. 1 and one half hour Junior competition tryout. First tryout ever. The girls stream out of the pink studio (which by the way has blinds/curtains drawn and paper over the other windows to keep people from peeking in). Sweaty, icky and tired. We get in the car and she tells me that she thinks she messed up and she wasn't confident in her performance. I told her to keep her chin up and that perhaps she'll redeem herself at 2nd company tryouts on Saturday morning.
For those not familiar, this is the hierarchy at our studio for the special dance groups: Bottom of the totem pole is Competing. Competing classes are split into three groups by age - freshman, sophomore & junior. Then comes 3rd Company (ages 9-13), 2nd Company (12-15) and top of the totem is 1st Company (13-18).
June 20th - 11:30am - Time for 2nd Co. tryouts. We get there a bit early, I fill out her form and get her number. I then manage to get her hair up into a tight bun (it weighs three hundred pounds dry and it is still wet so it weighs more) and secure it with the bun hairnet & jumbo bobby pins. She heads into the pink studio and the waiting begins. Em and I spent some time with a good friend of mine who I went to high school with. Her daughter was in 2nd company this year and so she was able to fill me in on which moms to stay away from (drama & gossip) and which moms & girls were really sweet. Finally 2 hours later, the 2nd company girls come out hot, sweaty and mostly smiling. I ask B if she feels like trying out for 1st Co. (another 20 bucks...oh well) and she immediately agrees. I run to the car, grab the checkbook, get her a 1st Co. number and in she goes for another 2 hours with nothing to eat since breakfast that morning and just a quick suck down of a bottle of Arizona Green Tea. I head home to get the boys and drive on back with some food for her because I know she'll be starving. Finally, 30 minutes late, the girls stream out of 1st Co. tryouts. More sweaty, tired yet smiling girls. Off we go with our list of classes she will need to take this summer should she make anything she has tried out for and also with the knowledge that the results would be listed on the website in the morning.
Woke up at quarter to 7 this morning. Very quietly checked the website. Still last year's results. Bummer. I tried to go back to bed, but my brain nixed that idea. I got up and started to clean up some stuff in the kitchen and also made myself some coffee. I was just finishing up, talking to J. and then B. came down stairs and asked "Have you checked the website this morning" I answer, "Of course, baby girl...results weren't up yet." To which my beautiful girl replies "Yes, they are.".... I ask her what she made, and she holds up 2 fingers! WOOOOT! 2nd Co. it is! About 15 minutes later, my phone rings and it is my old friend who is calling to congratulate my girl! Our girls have made 2nd Co. together and I know while it will likely be a WILD first time ride on the Co. train, I am SO ready to see my girl bloom some more!
This dance year will bring 3-4 more classes (picking her up at school Wed. & Thurs. will be a must so that she makes two of her required classes) and it will bring us into the world of dance competition. It will also bring us into the world of quick changes and 4 FULL days of dress rehearsal & recital as Co. dancers are in all four 2.5 - 4 hour shows. I'm sure there will be much frustration on mine & hubby's part as neither of us love to do the whole taxiing stuff especially with other kiddos in the car, but I know there will be much pride too. Pride in how hard our girl has worked for this. How much she loves dance and how it shows in everything she does. I just hope there is some sort of learning curve and happy that at least we'll each have someone (my friend & her daughter) who we can hang on to when we're not sure what to do.
Honestly, I wasn't sure if she was good enough. I mean, I think she is AWESOME, but I don't dance. I know I love to watch her and I think she rocks being a choreographer. I do know that one full year in an arts magnet high school has improved her dance tremendously. I had numerous comments from other moms who were already inducted into the company stuff tell me that B. was funky and had awesome moves. They also told me that they had no doubt she would make 2nd Company.
Beep, beep, beep. Backing the bus up. June 8-11th was Tryout camp. I was told that this was a very important and useful tool to use before tryouts. It was a no brainer. I signed her up before we even left the recital. She spent 4 days with girls her age learning moves and practicing. She also was told to stretch. A LOT. She immediately grabbed the P90X stretching DVD and woke up each morning around 6am to get her hour worth of stretching in. The four days flew by and she told me that other girls and parents both told her how well they thought she did at camp.
Jump to June 17th. 1 and one half hour Junior competition tryout. First tryout ever. The girls stream out of the pink studio (which by the way has blinds/curtains drawn and paper over the other windows to keep people from peeking in). Sweaty, icky and tired. We get in the car and she tells me that she thinks she messed up and she wasn't confident in her performance. I told her to keep her chin up and that perhaps she'll redeem herself at 2nd company tryouts on Saturday morning.
For those not familiar, this is the hierarchy at our studio for the special dance groups: Bottom of the totem pole is Competing. Competing classes are split into three groups by age - freshman, sophomore & junior. Then comes 3rd Company (ages 9-13), 2nd Company (12-15) and top of the totem is 1st Company (13-18).
June 20th - 11:30am - Time for 2nd Co. tryouts. We get there a bit early, I fill out her form and get her number. I then manage to get her hair up into a tight bun (it weighs three hundred pounds dry and it is still wet so it weighs more) and secure it with the bun hairnet & jumbo bobby pins. She heads into the pink studio and the waiting begins. Em and I spent some time with a good friend of mine who I went to high school with. Her daughter was in 2nd company this year and so she was able to fill me in on which moms to stay away from (drama & gossip) and which moms & girls were really sweet. Finally 2 hours later, the 2nd company girls come out hot, sweaty and mostly smiling. I ask B if she feels like trying out for 1st Co. (another 20 bucks...oh well) and she immediately agrees. I run to the car, grab the checkbook, get her a 1st Co. number and in she goes for another 2 hours with nothing to eat since breakfast that morning and just a quick suck down of a bottle of Arizona Green Tea. I head home to get the boys and drive on back with some food for her because I know she'll be starving. Finally, 30 minutes late, the girls stream out of 1st Co. tryouts. More sweaty, tired yet smiling girls. Off we go with our list of classes she will need to take this summer should she make anything she has tried out for and also with the knowledge that the results would be listed on the website in the morning.
Woke up at quarter to 7 this morning. Very quietly checked the website. Still last year's results. Bummer. I tried to go back to bed, but my brain nixed that idea. I got up and started to clean up some stuff in the kitchen and also made myself some coffee. I was just finishing up, talking to J. and then B. came down stairs and asked "Have you checked the website this morning" I answer, "Of course, baby girl...results weren't up yet." To which my beautiful girl replies "Yes, they are.".... I ask her what she made, and she holds up 2 fingers! WOOOOT! 2nd Co. it is! About 15 minutes later, my phone rings and it is my old friend who is calling to congratulate my girl! Our girls have made 2nd Co. together and I know while it will likely be a WILD first time ride on the Co. train, I am SO ready to see my girl bloom some more!
This dance year will bring 3-4 more classes (picking her up at school Wed. & Thurs. will be a must so that she makes two of her required classes) and it will bring us into the world of dance competition. It will also bring us into the world of quick changes and 4 FULL days of dress rehearsal & recital as Co. dancers are in all four 2.5 - 4 hour shows. I'm sure there will be much frustration on mine & hubby's part as neither of us love to do the whole taxiing stuff especially with other kiddos in the car, but I know there will be much pride too. Pride in how hard our girl has worked for this. How much she loves dance and how it shows in everything she does. I just hope there is some sort of learning curve and happy that at least we'll each have someone (my friend & her daughter) who we can hang on to when we're not sure what to do.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Having something to say...
and not being able to say it. Can you think of any worse predicament to be in when you are talkative like me? I hate that.
I hate when there are things on my mind. I get driven to distraction. I think about things way too much. I have mock conversations in my mind where I get to do all the talking and the other party has to just sit and shut up. hahaha We all know that is just a pipe dream. I dream of saying my piece and making sure whoever is listening is going to do my bidding or a big light bulb will go off and they will see the absolute wisdom of my words. HAH. I'm so full of myself in my own little world!
I hate people who jump to conclusions. The ones that would never confront you about what they are feeling and instead think the worst and throw you under the bus. Yeah, that bugs me. If I do something to bug you, confront me about it. I've learned that while it usually has me shaking in my boots while doing it, it is far better than the alternative.
I hate when people lie. To me. To others. It doesn't matter. I hate liars. I'm not talking about those little lies that we do to spare feelings, I'm talking about the big ones. Especially the ones that hurt someone to the core just to make the liar look innocent. It really shows lack of character when someone cannot own up to their mistakes and instead blames others around them for their self made predicaments.
Lastly, I hate opportunistic people who prey on those who would give anything to someone in need at the drop of the hat. People who use others for their own gain would do better to remember that they will answer to someone higher at some point whether it be God or a form of Karma. Whatever they put out there will be given back to them 10 fold - I truly believe that.
And because I hate negative blogs...I'll leave you with some positives.
I love my friends (which I'm sure you already knew, but it bears repeating). I seriously think I have the BEST friends on the planet! No, I actually *know* I do!
I love chocolate. Lately I prefer German milk chocolate w/almonds. Yeah - sorry, Hershey. You've been replaced. Of course, I'll always be a fan of Lindt & Ghirardelli dark chocolate.
I love my kids. They are their own brand of nutty and loud, but they are mine and I know beyond a doubt how blessed I am to have them (even when I am looking for takers).
I love my husband. He's seen it all and yet he still comes home each night after work. He's awesome - just don't tell him I said so!
I hate when there are things on my mind. I get driven to distraction. I think about things way too much. I have mock conversations in my mind where I get to do all the talking and the other party has to just sit and shut up. hahaha We all know that is just a pipe dream. I dream of saying my piece and making sure whoever is listening is going to do my bidding or a big light bulb will go off and they will see the absolute wisdom of my words. HAH. I'm so full of myself in my own little world!
I hate people who jump to conclusions. The ones that would never confront you about what they are feeling and instead think the worst and throw you under the bus. Yeah, that bugs me. If I do something to bug you, confront me about it. I've learned that while it usually has me shaking in my boots while doing it, it is far better than the alternative.
I hate when people lie. To me. To others. It doesn't matter. I hate liars. I'm not talking about those little lies that we do to spare feelings, I'm talking about the big ones. Especially the ones that hurt someone to the core just to make the liar look innocent. It really shows lack of character when someone cannot own up to their mistakes and instead blames others around them for their self made predicaments.
Lastly, I hate opportunistic people who prey on those who would give anything to someone in need at the drop of the hat. People who use others for their own gain would do better to remember that they will answer to someone higher at some point whether it be God or a form of Karma. Whatever they put out there will be given back to them 10 fold - I truly believe that.
And because I hate negative blogs...I'll leave you with some positives.
I love my friends (which I'm sure you already knew, but it bears repeating). I seriously think I have the BEST friends on the planet! No, I actually *know* I do!
I love chocolate. Lately I prefer German milk chocolate w/almonds. Yeah - sorry, Hershey. You've been replaced. Of course, I'll always be a fan of Lindt & Ghirardelli dark chocolate.
I love my kids. They are their own brand of nutty and loud, but they are mine and I know beyond a doubt how blessed I am to have them (even when I am looking for takers).
I love my husband. He's seen it all and yet he still comes home each night after work. He's awesome - just don't tell him I said so!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Today is the day.
How I dread this day each year. In fact, I don't know any woman that actually wants to go to her annual gyn exam. I did a major "grooming overhaul" the other day, but will still have to tidy up in the shower today. Thankfully the hubster said that he would do his best to make it home for E & D. E is too young to leave alone in a waiting room and the thought of having a child with me while I am in the "pose" is horrifying. D is at school and I'm not sure I'll make it home on time for his bus. Oddly enough, I also had a dentist appointment scheduled. I decided that I would change that. It means I have to take an extra trip back into civilization next week, but it may be a child free visit.
My stomach has been in knots all morning. The scale is forever where it seems it will stay despite the continuing exercise efforts. I hope beyond hope that my blood pressure will be better. March. I've been exercising almost daily since mid-March. I started exercising after being so sick for what seemed like months. Once I saw the GP and my BP was a bit high, it hit me that things weren't just going to get better. Once I felt like myself (once the meds kicked the left over bronchitis & rotten sinus infection in the pants), I decided to dust off the treadmill and the beginner's pilates DVD. I rotated between the two each day and then one day I decided to do both. I did that for over a month and also added in hand weights for arm exercises during my cool down on the treadmill. 3 months of exercise. No huge improvements that I can see except I know I'm better even if just a tiny bit.
What the heck else can I do? I guess I could cut all sweets out of my diet, but I know I can't. Why? I don't want to. I like food. I like good food. I cook as healthy as possible, but I'm not going to give up sweets. Last night I logged another 2+ miles on the treadmill because I was so cranky and stressed with misbehaving children. I wasn't going to push myself - said I was just going to do a leisurely stroll. Hahahaha I am competitive even with myself. While I didn't come even near my all time best, I didn't slack off either. Truth be told, I felt better after. I think maybe doing a couple miles each night couldn't hurt. I mean, that means I'll be burning about 700 calories with exercise per day. Maybe that will make the scale move....?
Off to tread for this morning. Important to making sure my BP is ok. Although I think that my case of nerves are going to spike it up anyway. Gah. Well, at least I might get a prescription for the UTI that I've seemed to come down with, right?! Gotta stay positive....
UPDATE! My exam went well. The scale was not nice, but my NP said that the fact that I've lost some inches and that my BP is perfect is reason to be happy. She said to just keep doing what I'm doing (and to fuel my body better during the daytime hours to help my metabolism keep spinning). I'm beyond happy. No seriously. I could do a freakin' jig!
As a side note, I also am a candidate for a sling for my bladder and when I'm able to have 6-8 weeks of no lifting (read that as Emma is better at pottying herself), I can make the appt. to discuss the procedure & get it in the works! WOOOHOOO!
My stomach has been in knots all morning. The scale is forever where it seems it will stay despite the continuing exercise efforts. I hope beyond hope that my blood pressure will be better. March. I've been exercising almost daily since mid-March. I started exercising after being so sick for what seemed like months. Once I saw the GP and my BP was a bit high, it hit me that things weren't just going to get better. Once I felt like myself (once the meds kicked the left over bronchitis & rotten sinus infection in the pants), I decided to dust off the treadmill and the beginner's pilates DVD. I rotated between the two each day and then one day I decided to do both. I did that for over a month and also added in hand weights for arm exercises during my cool down on the treadmill. 3 months of exercise. No huge improvements that I can see except I know I'm better even if just a tiny bit.
What the heck else can I do? I guess I could cut all sweets out of my diet, but I know I can't. Why? I don't want to. I like food. I like good food. I cook as healthy as possible, but I'm not going to give up sweets. Last night I logged another 2+ miles on the treadmill because I was so cranky and stressed with misbehaving children. I wasn't going to push myself - said I was just going to do a leisurely stroll. Hahahaha I am competitive even with myself. While I didn't come even near my all time best, I didn't slack off either. Truth be told, I felt better after. I think maybe doing a couple miles each night couldn't hurt. I mean, that means I'll be burning about 700 calories with exercise per day. Maybe that will make the scale move....?
Off to tread for this morning. Important to making sure my BP is ok. Although I think that my case of nerves are going to spike it up anyway. Gah. Well, at least I might get a prescription for the UTI that I've seemed to come down with, right?! Gotta stay positive....
UPDATE! My exam went well. The scale was not nice, but my NP said that the fact that I've lost some inches and that my BP is perfect is reason to be happy. She said to just keep doing what I'm doing (and to fuel my body better during the daytime hours to help my metabolism keep spinning). I'm beyond happy. No seriously. I could do a freakin' jig!
As a side note, I also am a candidate for a sling for my bladder and when I'm able to have 6-8 weeks of no lifting (read that as Emma is better at pottying herself), I can make the appt. to discuss the procedure & get it in the works! WOOOHOOO!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Just another Tricky Tuesday
The lack of crickets from my last post is pretty heartwarming to say the least. The fact that I've had hits from people I don't even know makes me feel a bit weird because it was such a personal post, but it's ok because I think I probably touched on something that everyone has felt at one time or another. At least I'd like to think that so I don't feel like such a nut! hahaha :oP
I am putting off the exercise this morning even though I really shouldn't be. I've been more lax about it although still averaging 4-5x per week. I'm getting very discouraged with the lack of progress not only in my endurance, but the lack of the downward motion of the scale. The only thing I have to look forward to is my annual gyn exam on Thursday morning. I will be seeing the NP (as I choose to see her over the Dr.) and plan on discussing what is going on. I have the feeling that a full physical with my GP will be in order. Haven't had a full physical since the summer after David was born (2004). I do hope beyond hope that my blood pressure is lower. Just hoping that I have at least THAT going for me. I do have a goal to run a 5K with a good friend of mine maybe this fall. I never thought I would ever want to be a runner, but there is something soothing about it. Stress seems to melt away so quickly. Fingers crossed that I can get all the medical crap sorted out so that I can meet my goal!
The kids are doing well. Em has been asking to dance every day since recital. Yep. Think she has definitely been bitten by the dance bug. Now I can only hope that she makes it into afternoon pre-k so that she can do the same dance class next year.
On the topic of dance, Bec has started her pre-tryout dance camp. It will run until Thursday and then next Thursday she will have competition tryouts and next Saturday she will have Company tryouts. I hope she isn't disappointed. I will say that I admire her drive about dance. After talking to so many competition/company parents, the main thing I learned was that she needs to stretch really well every day so that she is super limber for tryouts. Every day since Saturday she has been using the P90X stretching DVD (one hour of stretching). She wakes up each day about an hour before she usually would and stretches. Yeah, I'm proud of her. Whatever happens, I know she'll try her best and that is what is the most important.
The boys are all doing well. Jerm has a couple more weeks of coaching T-Ball. He said that he thinks he would have preferred boys that were a bit older. Maybe next year he'll coach a team that Thomas is on. Thomas is so eager to please his older brother that I think it would work out well. Daniel is excited about doing soccer in the fall and I even asked David if he was interested as they have instructional league at the park in town for 5-6 Saturdays in the fall. He said yes and then said no. I'll ask again for sure. A busy kid is one that doesn't get into trouble! ;)
Now we are all just waiting on the last day of school. I am ready. Mornings just get harder and harder to get up. I want to sleep until 8am a couple of days in row already! Of course, this means that my food bill will go up probably quite a bit, but I guess there has to be a trade off. I spent just over $600 at Sams over the weekend and I am guessing that MIGHT get us a month, but probably not. In my defense, I spent almost a thousand the last time I was there and I made it last for almost 2 months. Of course this is with regular visits to the grocery store for fresh fruits & veggies, bread and for cereal which we go through almost as quickly as milk! Someday I am going to keep track of exactly what we spend on food in one month's time. I'm almost positive that it is about what we pay in mortgage payments on the house! :oP
Coffee is gone now - better be off to pursue my personal goal...wish me luck!
I am putting off the exercise this morning even though I really shouldn't be. I've been more lax about it although still averaging 4-5x per week. I'm getting very discouraged with the lack of progress not only in my endurance, but the lack of the downward motion of the scale. The only thing I have to look forward to is my annual gyn exam on Thursday morning. I will be seeing the NP (as I choose to see her over the Dr.) and plan on discussing what is going on. I have the feeling that a full physical with my GP will be in order. Haven't had a full physical since the summer after David was born (2004). I do hope beyond hope that my blood pressure is lower. Just hoping that I have at least THAT going for me. I do have a goal to run a 5K with a good friend of mine maybe this fall. I never thought I would ever want to be a runner, but there is something soothing about it. Stress seems to melt away so quickly. Fingers crossed that I can get all the medical crap sorted out so that I can meet my goal!
The kids are doing well. Em has been asking to dance every day since recital. Yep. Think she has definitely been bitten by the dance bug. Now I can only hope that she makes it into afternoon pre-k so that she can do the same dance class next year.
On the topic of dance, Bec has started her pre-tryout dance camp. It will run until Thursday and then next Thursday she will have competition tryouts and next Saturday she will have Company tryouts. I hope she isn't disappointed. I will say that I admire her drive about dance. After talking to so many competition/company parents, the main thing I learned was that she needs to stretch really well every day so that she is super limber for tryouts. Every day since Saturday she has been using the P90X stretching DVD (one hour of stretching). She wakes up each day about an hour before she usually would and stretches. Yeah, I'm proud of her. Whatever happens, I know she'll try her best and that is what is the most important.
The boys are all doing well. Jerm has a couple more weeks of coaching T-Ball. He said that he thinks he would have preferred boys that were a bit older. Maybe next year he'll coach a team that Thomas is on. Thomas is so eager to please his older brother that I think it would work out well. Daniel is excited about doing soccer in the fall and I even asked David if he was interested as they have instructional league at the park in town for 5-6 Saturdays in the fall. He said yes and then said no. I'll ask again for sure. A busy kid is one that doesn't get into trouble! ;)
Now we are all just waiting on the last day of school. I am ready. Mornings just get harder and harder to get up. I want to sleep until 8am a couple of days in row already! Of course, this means that my food bill will go up probably quite a bit, but I guess there has to be a trade off. I spent just over $600 at Sams over the weekend and I am guessing that MIGHT get us a month, but probably not. In my defense, I spent almost a thousand the last time I was there and I made it last for almost 2 months. Of course this is with regular visits to the grocery store for fresh fruits & veggies, bread and for cereal which we go through almost as quickly as milk! Someday I am going to keep track of exactly what we spend on food in one month's time. I'm almost positive that it is about what we pay in mortgage payments on the house! :oP
Coffee is gone now - better be off to pursue my personal goal...wish me luck!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Nut job
I sit here and wonder if my friends realize how enamored I am of them and wonder if they know how I worry about each thing I say and what I do and how I react. I try to keep myself in check because I don't want to be scaring them off. I'm so afraid that is what I'll do in the end. I'm afraid that I'm never going to be funny enough, smart enough, witty enough, normal enough and one day they'll wake up and wonder how the hell they ever got involved with a nut job like me.
It's quite silly, really, when I think about it rationally, but then again, when I get this emotional, all rationality goes right out the window. I mean, my hubby married me and is still married to me and he's a pretty normal guy. He probably knows more about me than I do at this point. He knows how I worry about fitting in with people and yet, he still loves me and, for the most part, likes to be with me.
He also knows how very, very sad I am about not being able to make the next meet up. How some days I feel so disconnected from my friends and how envious I am of all the fun that will happen and I won't be able to be a part of it. Sometimes I even feel like the *new* people are taking something that feels like just mine. Again, rationally that is just crap, but I'm just so afraid that other people will take my place and I won't have a place in the group anymore. That a light bulb will go off for the collective LFFs and they'll wonder how they ever let a crack job like me into their group.
I'm seriously just so tired of worrying. It makes me irritable and cranky. I take my mostly hidden feelings out on everyone around me by being bitchy instead of just owning up to how scared I am. Of how utterly and completely scared I am to lose my friends. So yeah, there it is. Warts and all.
It's quite silly, really, when I think about it rationally, but then again, when I get this emotional, all rationality goes right out the window. I mean, my hubby married me and is still married to me and he's a pretty normal guy. He probably knows more about me than I do at this point. He knows how I worry about fitting in with people and yet, he still loves me and, for the most part, likes to be with me.
He also knows how very, very sad I am about not being able to make the next meet up. How some days I feel so disconnected from my friends and how envious I am of all the fun that will happen and I won't be able to be a part of it. Sometimes I even feel like the *new* people are taking something that feels like just mine. Again, rationally that is just crap, but I'm just so afraid that other people will take my place and I won't have a place in the group anymore. That a light bulb will go off for the collective LFFs and they'll wonder how they ever let a crack job like me into their group.
I'm seriously just so tired of worrying. It makes me irritable and cranky. I take my mostly hidden feelings out on everyone around me by being bitchy instead of just owning up to how scared I am. Of how utterly and completely scared I am to lose my friends. So yeah, there it is. Warts and all.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Exercise, the weekend and prom pics, oh my!
This weather is sucking the life right out of me. Going on day 3 of rain. Blech. I wanna crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head.
This weekend will be super busy with recital, but I am hoping that I can exercise at least Saturday. For those readers not connected with my Facebook page, I did indeed make 2.013 miles in 30 minutes the day after my last blog. I did, however, wheeze like the dickens after I was done and I am considering making an appt. with my GP. I seriously think I have some sort of exercise induced asthma. After 2.5 months of almost daily exercising, I would like to think that my lungs would be better conditioned than they are. Slow & steady on the exercising though. I'm proud of myself for keeping it up even when I let it go for a few days. It's funny because I find that I get the urge to exercise now even sometimes after I've already exercised. Perhaps it won't always feel like work?! One can only hope.
On other fronts, my eldest attended Jr. prom last weekend. He looked very handsome in his tux and he said he had an awesome time. He surprised me by dancing the night away. I'm SO glad because he can be so shy and reserved. He then went camping with his girlfriend and her family for the weekend in Rhode Island. He had a good time until the very end when he found out that his girlfriend's parents think he doesn't "help her" enough. Apparently they felt the need to discuss this among their friends as well. One friend works for a neighboring town and does business with my husband. NICE. As my hubby's sister said, "Have they met their daughter?"
A. is so independent. She has even gone as far as telling J. that if she says she can do something to let her do it. So he does. And then gets slammed because he's not "helping her". Grrrrrr. To say that I wanted to give them a piece of my mind was an understatement. I told him that he wasn't going ANYWHERE with them again. Nowhere. I know my son is not perfect and I'd be the first one to get on his case for being rude, but he is nothing if not totally polite and helpful. If someone asked him to help out, he'd do it willingly. They assumed that he didn't want to help his girlfriend and ended up making asses out of themselves and hurting his feelings. He then fought w/A. the rest of the afternoon because she was angry he talked to his father and I about it. He told her just because she had a crappy relationship with her parents didn't mean he couldn't have a good one with his. I have to admit I was happy he said that and I am even more pleased that he feels comfortable enough to talk to us when he doesn't quite know what to do. Isn't that what parents are for? To help guide when asked (or even not asked sometimes....)?
Well, better get going and get my exercising in before the little boy comes home from school. Poor boy has a field trip to the dairy barns up at UCONN this morning and the rain is pouring down. He was so cute though. He told us he had to wear his rain boots in case there was poop there. Hopefully they will be inside and not out in the rain and I also hope that they might get to visit the dairy bar and get some homemade UCONN ice cream. It's some of the best CT has to offer.
A quick hug when we got to A.'s parents' house.
Pretending to know how to pin a boutonniere on. I ended up pinning it on his lapel after!
A.'s mom had a bunch of poses she wanted them in. I just stayed in the background and snapped a few. Personally, I like the ones I took near the garage because they are candid (and they looked happier...lol)
This weekend will be super busy with recital, but I am hoping that I can exercise at least Saturday. For those readers not connected with my Facebook page, I did indeed make 2.013 miles in 30 minutes the day after my last blog. I did, however, wheeze like the dickens after I was done and I am considering making an appt. with my GP. I seriously think I have some sort of exercise induced asthma. After 2.5 months of almost daily exercising, I would like to think that my lungs would be better conditioned than they are. Slow & steady on the exercising though. I'm proud of myself for keeping it up even when I let it go for a few days. It's funny because I find that I get the urge to exercise now even sometimes after I've already exercised. Perhaps it won't always feel like work?! One can only hope.
On other fronts, my eldest attended Jr. prom last weekend. He looked very handsome in his tux and he said he had an awesome time. He surprised me by dancing the night away. I'm SO glad because he can be so shy and reserved. He then went camping with his girlfriend and her family for the weekend in Rhode Island. He had a good time until the very end when he found out that his girlfriend's parents think he doesn't "help her" enough. Apparently they felt the need to discuss this among their friends as well. One friend works for a neighboring town and does business with my husband. NICE. As my hubby's sister said, "Have they met their daughter?"
A. is so independent. She has even gone as far as telling J. that if she says she can do something to let her do it. So he does. And then gets slammed because he's not "helping her". Grrrrrr. To say that I wanted to give them a piece of my mind was an understatement. I told him that he wasn't going ANYWHERE with them again. Nowhere. I know my son is not perfect and I'd be the first one to get on his case for being rude, but he is nothing if not totally polite and helpful. If someone asked him to help out, he'd do it willingly. They assumed that he didn't want to help his girlfriend and ended up making asses out of themselves and hurting his feelings. He then fought w/A. the rest of the afternoon because she was angry he talked to his father and I about it. He told her just because she had a crappy relationship with her parents didn't mean he couldn't have a good one with his. I have to admit I was happy he said that and I am even more pleased that he feels comfortable enough to talk to us when he doesn't quite know what to do. Isn't that what parents are for? To help guide when asked (or even not asked sometimes....)?
Well, better get going and get my exercising in before the little boy comes home from school. Poor boy has a field trip to the dairy barns up at UCONN this morning and the rain is pouring down. He was so cute though. He told us he had to wear his rain boots in case there was poop there. Hopefully they will be inside and not out in the rain and I also hope that they might get to visit the dairy bar and get some homemade UCONN ice cream. It's some of the best CT has to offer.
A quick hug when we got to A.'s parents' house.
Pretending to know how to pin a boutonniere on. I ended up pinning it on his lapel after!
A.'s mom had a bunch of poses she wanted them in. I just stayed in the background and snapped a few. Personally, I like the ones I took near the garage because they are candid (and they looked happier...lol)
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