Yesterday (9-29-2008)

My heart hurts, but I'm glad the dreaded waiting/suffering is over. P. passed yesterday morning with his family around him. It makes me so sad to think that this man, minister, who touched my heart and made me laugh with his cracks about how I look like Becca's cousin and not her mother will never stand on the altar and preach at church again. How he used to say he wished he could have pink hair (he was partially bald and then fully bald after cancer treatments). How he was the first minister I was able to know as just a normal person before I attended the church he preached at. I wish I had gone sooner really. I missed a lot of down to earth, REAL sermons. Ones that didn't put me to sleep or wish I had stayed in bed that morning. My fear of hating it and not feeling comfortable enough to stop going kept me from experiencing something good.

It's funny. I remember speaking to him during a First Friday Family Fun Night (which sadly ended when a child pulled a knife out - shame too because we had what seemed like every kid/teen in town here to play laser tag once a month & bingo indoors for anyone who wanted to play). I was explaining to him the bad experience we had at our last church and flat out told him that hubby hated "pushy pastors". I look back now and think how bold I was to say such a thing, but I really think P. appreciated the candor. He chuckled and thanked me for the info and he never pushed. He and Chris talked frequently on Sundays or Wednesdays and there was nothing, but a mutual respect.

I don't think P. was perfect and I know from different conversations that he often got backs up of long time members and a few people left because of him, but I do think he was true to what he believed which in my mind deserves respect. In a world that seems wishy washy at best sometimes, I can appreciate someone sticking their ground when it isn't always the popular opinion. I also think he was honestly humble which probably is the reason why I was drawn to him.

Oddly enough, P. passed on what was my Mom's 75th birthday. Davey, Em and I took a chocolate cake w/choc. frosting over for her after lunch yesterday and spent most of the afternoon there. My Mom has Alzheimer's although she won't call it that. She says she has "dimention" - not dementia. hahaha Kinda funny when she makes up words like that.

She also takes care of her 87 yo husband who is in ill health. She doesn't eat right, she doesn't sleep right and he is still in charge of their purse strings. Case in point, she needs a new stove. The oven works ok, but two burners are out and don't work. I told her that I'd be happy to take her to get a new stove yesterday and he tells her "No, we're not in a rush.". "Everything is fine." Of course it is, dickhead...you don't have to cook so why should you care. What an F-ing jerk. What makes this even more ironic is that she left my father because he was controlling and abusive. She went from the frying pan into the fire in so many ways. We won't even speak about his bitching that her excelon costs almost 200 dollars every time she gets it filled (excelon is for early/mid dementia & there is no generic form). I don't think he realizes that if something happens to her, he is FUCKED. He won't let any help in (housekeeping, etc.) unless it is family and my mother is allowing the life to be sucked from her because she won't challenge him. It is a truly mind boggling situation and one that makes me HATE visits there.

Anyway, my mother was very emotional most of the the time we were there. She cried when I left while thanking me for taking her to the grocery store. I mean, how awful is that? I've told her a billion & one times that I will drop whatever I am doing and drive the 40 plus minutes to her house if she needs me, but she never asks. And you know I'm such a shitty daughter that I get caught up with the kids and Chris and life in general and don't just go there and do things that I should. I think that is another reason why I hate visiting. Because I am reminded of all the things I should be doing, but just can't seem to fit into the schedule I keep. I certainly am not a good role model of honoring my parent, am I? My children certainly aren't learning a lick of respect from me yet I know if my mother lived next door, I'd be the one there every day caring for her. It's just the act of throwing the kids into the car and driving 30 highway minutes and another 10-15 of back roads. Bad excuses...good intentions pave the way to hell....

So yesterday was another up and down day. It ended ok with a 20 year reunion meeting...It's just 4 weeks away and we were looking at old pictures. Just because I feel like sharing, here is my Kindy class picture...can you find me? Where's Di?

(second row all the way to the right - just in case you couldn't tell)