Worn out or rather, how did I become the worst parent on Earth?

More parenting the 18yo woes. I wish I didn't suck so bad at this stuff.

I realized yesterday around 4:30p that I had not heard from the big boy. He gets out of school around 10:30am and the hubby told me that he (the big boy) didn't have to work because of the rain. However, hubby did mention that the big boy needed to do an oil change so I didn't really think much about his whereabouts. Once I started to think, I started to panic. I called hubby and said "I assume that the big boy is with you?" to which he replied, "NO". GRRRRRR So where is the boy? Well he told his Dad that he was staying at school to work on his senior project. Ok fine. And then he was going to spend an hour with the girlfriend. More GRRRRRR. "Isn't this how babies are made?!" was the first thought that popped into my mind.

The girl does not come here anymore. Same girl as the one who broke his heart over the summer. I don't think she feels comfortable around us anymore which part of me is happy about and part of me is angry because that means the big boy doesn't come home. Oh I am trying to get over it. Really. But why her? There are SO many other fish in the sea!

So I text the big boy. I am angry. We've had this discussion about letting me know what the heck is going on BEFORE it happens. I get a reply w/apology and because I cannot read tone on text, I think he is being flippant. I immediately freak out and rip him a new bumhole. He freaks out back at me and we both immediately call the hubby to complain about the other. Oh, yes, we are so alike it is unreal. Not only am I angry now, but I am sobbing. I am slowly realizing that letting go does not get easier. Watching them make a decision (in this case, the girlfriend) that you think is the most asinine thing in the world, but cannot do anything about, is killer.

The strings are being cut left and right like a rogue pair of scissors gone wild and you have NO CONTROL. NONE. I am crying just thinking about the feeling. I am realizing in one crazy second that my boy is grown up and he will NEVER be little again. I won't ever have to kiss a skinned knee or hug a hurt away. I can never go back. I can never make amends for what has happened in the past. We have hurtled away from his childhood so quickly that my head and heart are reeling and I feel like I am sinking into a giant blackhole of the unknown.

I have lost something I never really had to begin with really. I have been his caretaker, his disciplinarian and his cheerleader for so many years that I've forgotten that my job was just for a little while. I did what I was supposed to. I might not have gotten it all right, but I did the best I could. I just wish I knew it would be over so quickly. Maybe, just maybe, I would enjoyed the ride a bit more....