NYC Weekend

Finally writing about my first experience at a dance competition with my beautiful & talented eldest daughter. It was quite an experience...a bit overwhelming for this "not so girly" mama. It was held in NYC - one of the most amazing & fun places on the planet. San Fran is still my favorite, but I think NYC is a close 2nd and much closer to home.

Packing was interesting to say the least. We were charged $7 per bag by the hotel in exchange for them holding ALL the bags until classes were over on Sunday so I was determined to get away with as few bags as possible. Being the cheapy I am, I not only had a huge duffel filled with a small cooler and clothes, but another small suitcase with food and my iPod dock. Becca's dance bag was filled with costumes and our "bag o' tricks" for getting ready. Our room ended up being STOCKED with food and drinks thanks to my buddy, Rox, and I. I also had just enough clothing to get me through until Sunday which is good for me since I tend to over pack. Becca is just like me, but thankfully she got away with less clothing since Saturday & Sunday were dance days.

We arrived at the commuter lot right down the street from where we used to live at 7:30am. Buses were due to take off at 8am sharp. My tummy was an absolute mess as it usually is before leaving on a trip. We waited for Rox and Sam to arrive and then got out of the warm car and brought our bags to the bus to be packed underneath. There were 3 buses (one for each company) and we were on the middle bus (2nd Company). I found out quickly that the parents sit up front and the kids sit in the back. I was ok with this, but Bec was a little bit disappointed. She had wanted to sit with me. She still has not really "bonded" with anyone and I know there are some girls who still don't think she "belongs" in their group. She ended up doing just fine.

The trip to NYC was pretty quick and filled with lots of chatter and smiles. Bec's ballet mistress (whose daughter is also on 2nd Company) told me how far Bec has come since August. She said I would be amazed at my girl's progress. High praise, indeed. I'm sure I beamed for the rest of the day. Once we arrived and got settled into our room (and finally had our fridge delivered), we headed out to Times Square which was just blocks from our hotel. We were in and out of different stores just poking around. Around 2pm we decided to stop at Roxy's deli and get a bite to eat. Let's just say I had some major sticker shock when I saw the menu. No problem I thought - I'll just share with Becca....Yes, for $3 extra (sharing fee). So we did share two foot long hot dogs on ONE bun with a side of fries, beans & sauerkraut for a mere $20. My butt hurt after that meal and I was weirdly craving a cigarette. :oP

We headed back towards the hotel after our meal stopping at a few more stores (one being Toys R Us where Bec, Sam and another 2nd co. girl rode the Ferris wheel inside the store.) My favorite place of the day (besides the lovely smelling Hershey store) was Sephora. I could spend hours smelling the different perfumes. I, of course, could care less about the make up which made up the first half of the store. That kept the girls happy though. We did get to see some crack head Elmo's & Cookie Monsters on some of the corners. If you took your picture with them, they shoved a Christmas stocking in your face and asked for donations. Right before we hit the hotel again we stopped into an American Craftsman store. There were some beautifully carved puzzle boxes and the most exquisite sideboard table with a city scene hand carved into the middle of it. The girls asked if they could take a picture of it and while they did, some man bought the table! The table sold for $48000 including tax. We were amazed that someone bought it while we were there!

We chilled for a bit at the hotel and then decided to walk up to Dylan's Candy Bar. I knew that everyone would LOVE it and I was right. We had planned on doing Serendipity too, but when I went online to get the number to call for reservations, they had really lousy reviews and knowing how much money it cost to eat there, I figured it wasn't worth our time. We ended up eating dessert for dinner at Dylan's Cafe at the top of the store. Bec and I had NY Cheesecake sundaes, Sam had the PB sundae and Rox chose a carrot cake cupcake the size of a softball. None of us finished any of them because they were SO rich. We took our time looking around the store and then headed out. I showed them where Serendipity was (thank you to my favorite babysitter Elisabeth for taking me to both places many years ago) and then we checked out some store fronts before hopping on the subway back to the hotel. Bec's first subway ride was uneventful although she was nervous that someone would hold her up at gun point. Once back at the hotel, we pretty much got our pjs on and chilled. I can't tell you how awesome it was to have my iPod dock. Rox had some sleepy music that we stuck on repeat. I slept way better than I would have without it that's for sure.

Saturday started relatively early. I was up by 7 and jumped into the shower. The girls had to head down around 9am to get their $100 hospital bracelets on which would allow them into the master classes the next day. When they came back, we started getting them ready for their first number - jazz - MJ's "Bad". The hair was KILLER for me. Thankfully Rox was there to show me the way to proper hair (no wispy bits!). I swear Bec had about 60 pounds of gel, hair putty, regular hairspray and then the ever faithful Aqua Net on top. I used six million bobby pins, a few up-do pins and some specially curved bobby pins for her bangs. I also learned a new trick to getting her super thick and heavy hair into a manageable bun. Bec applied most of her makeup and then I did her eyeshadow. Once the girls had their hair, make up and costumes on, we headed down to our private conference room. Rox helped stretch all the girls and then 1st Co. went up to get ready to do their jazz number. 2nd Co. practiced their dance a couple of times and we went up to the ballroom to wait once they headed up to backstage.

I will tell you my heart was pounding. We watched 1st Co's jazz number (AWESOME) and then waited for our girls. I was a nervous wreck. I don't think I breathed fully until after they were done. It was amazing and emotional. I didn't cry, but I just couldn't catch my breath and there was a HUGE lump in my throat throughout the whole number. They did SO well and I was so proud to be a Mom to one of the dancers in that group. Once they were off the stage, we headed out of the ballroom and back down to the conference room to get the girls into their hip hop costumes. Many of the girls were complaining about a lump in their throats and/or their throats hurting after being on stage. Becca was crying because she felt like tossing her cookies. Thankfully after some water, gatorade and a few pieces of candy, whatever was there went away, but later I found out that many of the girls in 1st Co. had the same problem. I wondered more than once if the hotel's HVAC maybe needed a good cleaning and after seeing Sam's socks blackened by the carpet on Sunday after dancing, I wonder if the carpets could of used a good cleaning as well.

They readied for hip hop (1st & 2nd combined) and we went up to wait for that. They did AWESOME again. And again I was so proud to be a Dance Express mom. I was also glad that it was all over for me. Sam still had tap to go, but Bec and I were free from competition. YAY! My nerves were shot by then. We went for a late lunch at Ray's pizza (across the side street) and later went to a street vendor for dinner, but other than that, our day was spent in the hotel readying for dance or watching dance. The awards began a bit after 10pm. DE did very well although I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed with Bad taking 2nd place especially since that number won the Best Precision award. 1st Co. took first place for their jazz number, 3rd Co. took 1st place for their hip hop & jazz numbers and Senior Tap took 2nd place. We did not get to sleep until well after midnight and classes started at 7:45am sharp the next morning.

Our wake-up call was set for 6am because the girls wanted to go across the street and get Starbucks. Needless to say, I was awake with the phone, but no one else was. By 7am we were ready to hit Starbucks. We sat with the girls until it was time for classes to start and then we went back to the room to pack. The cruel curse decided to hit me a week early - probably because of the cyst that ruptured the weekend before. Good times although I was thankful I had stuff packed "just in case". We ended up hitting a late breakfast over at the Stage Deli with another 2nd Co. mom and then pretty much chilled in the comfy leather seats in the Lower Lobby of the hotel. Rox and the other mom headed to the Yankees store, but I opted to stay where I was. I pretty much took my shoes off, put my feet up on the glass coffee table, played with my iPod and dozed a bit. Once 3:30pm hit, we headed upstairs to wait for the buses. The plan was to get the luggage packed and all the parents on the buses before classes let out at 4:15. That way the girls could throw their dance bags into the bottom of the bus, grab a seat and we'd be off. The ride home seemed SO much slower and we made a pit stop in Darien at a rest stop off the highway. Most of us just wanted to get home. Thankfully the ride from Darien wasn't too long and once we hit the commuter lot about an hour later, my awesome hubby was there with a warm truck and strong arms to grab the luggage.

The best thing about going away for me is not the getting away from the everyday grind, but the coming home with a renewed love for my family. I missed them all SO much and by the response I got when I walked through the door, I think the feeling was mutual. Even my dogs were happy to see me!

The one thing I know is that should Bec make 1st Co. this coming year (she will not be eligible for 2nd) that Chris will be coming to NYC next year even if I have to start saving a couple dollars every week for it. He will HATE the day of dance, but I totally think he needs to see what this competition stuff is like and even though we have some other ones coming up, NONE of them will be in NYC. He is still not sure that he wants to, but I don't think he should have a choice. You can't understand what it is like until you've experienced it and believe me...I totally have.

Dare I say it?

Things are going well. /listens for sounds of epic fail/ Oh good - think I'm safe for the moment....

The big boy and I have had some talks. It is still so hard not having the control, but I think we've come to an understanding for the time being. He had his appt. with the pedi last week. The one asthma test that they could perform there was "borderline". The pedi does not think the big boy ought to join the military even if he somehow "passes" the other test that will have to be done at the specialist's office. Needless to say, this weighs heavily on number one. What now? We don't think he realizes that his choices are endless. He mentioned something about attending community college, but his heart is so not into it. I don't think we should throw money around just because he feels like it is the only avenue. I want him to really think about what he wants to do should these asthma tests prove that he is no longer fit to enter the military. I guess if I put myself in the shoes of an 18yo and the one thing he has had his sights on has been pulled from under him, I would be a bit downtrodden and hopeless. As an older & wiser parent, however, I just see one door closing, but so many are still open. The possibilities are endless...he just has to see that for himself, I suppose.

Other than the big boy stuff, things are going pretty well here. Money is still a huge issue (SNOW - WHERE ARE YOU?), but I'm trying to let that go so I don't waste time worrying over something I really can't change. Somehow we'll muddle through - we always have and always will. We're rather tough, I suppose. Lots of practice makes perfect. :oP

I guess no drama makes for a rather boring blog....Oh well. It's nice to be boring sometimes.

It comes down to not having control, I think.

I've been a bit silent the last few weeks since number one's 18th birthday. During this time I've been having a hard time digesting some stuff about number one, found out that a high school classmate of mine was one of the 7 CIA officials killed by a suicide bomber in Afghanistan and learned about some other troubling "extended family" news.

I've wanted to blog about everything, but my thoughts are so jumbled. As far as number one goes, there are days I want to throttle that boy and send him away from this house to go live on his own (that would teach him how good he has it here, right?). Right now, that is where my head is. I know that he is going through an issue that basically will decide whether he has a future in the USMC and it is weighing heavily on him. I've told him that he shouldn't worry about something until it happens, but also that he should start formulating a back up plan should the USMC become a non-issue. Most of you know that I would be beyond happy that Uncle Sam would not "own" my boy for the next 8 years, however, I know this will break his heart. Tough stuff for a Mom - neither thing will make me happy. Anyway, I am trying to choose my battles lately, but truth be told, I just don't have the energy to fight with him. He is Mr. Button Pusher in the flesh and my heart & brain are not in a good enough place to go head to head with him. So I seethe because I can't find a way to say what needs to be said without starting a war. Good times for us both, I guess. He also shared with us that he has picked up smoking. His Dad and I are just beyond sad and angry with him. So stupid on SO many levels. I'll just leave it at that....

Sad. That pretty much describes my week after learning about S.R.'s death in Afghanistan from another HS friend. The news flashes his picture over and over and over again and every time it takes my breath away and makes me so incredibly sad especially since he had made clear that he was ready to settle down and was anticipating the birth of his first child, a daughter. I didn't hang out with S. in high school. I didn't party with S. We ran in absolutely different circles, but our town was so small and most of us had gone to school with each other since Kindy that you "knew" everyone. I saw S. at my 20th reunion a year ago this past October. I have been straining my head wondering if I even said anything to him (I had been working the front table for awhile). Honestly, I probably had a bit of "high school-itis" which kept me from speaking to some people. I'm ok in little groups, but my worries about being "normal" in large groups still take over sometimes. Being Feeling like an outsider still rears its ugly head despite my best efforts to keep it at bay. Anyway, I did take some pictures of him talking as I was the "camera" girl all night. I wish I could go back and do that evening all over again. I would have talked to him and asked about his life since THS and likely would have met his wife too. Unfortunately, now I can only send on my two sympathy cards and hold on to my regrets.

The family issue isn't one I can speak about freely so I won't on this blog. I pray everyday that everything will be made right as easily as possible though.

My head and heart are so heavy these days. So much to think about. So little that I can control....

How Can This Be?

So in 3 short hours I will be the mother to an "adult" child. How did this happen?

I mean, he's still a senior in high school and for all intents and purposes, nothing has really changed, but in the legal sense, he is his own person. He has to go register with selective service, register to vote and still plans on seeing the Marine recruiter sometime after the new year.

Part of me couldn't wait for this day especially the last couple of years. His teen years have been a real struggle for me. If you know me well, I've likely told you that young children are easy to parent. I've NEVER questioned my parenting until number 1 became a teenager. We've had so many issues and stumbling blocks - from the academics taking a nosedive starting in 8th grade to the lure of alcohol & drugs. Through all of this, glimpses of this amazing person would show through and I would grab hold of that and not let go. It kept me going on those days that I really felt like shooing him out the door and telling him not to come back because it just seemed like it would never get better.

Hubby says that number one and I are two peas in a pod. We are both extremely stubborn and tenacious. I like to call it the WJC streak because that is so like my Dad. In some things, this stubbornness allows us to get things done, in others it makes us totally unapproachable & hard to reach. It's a real pain for anyone who lives in our house when we are going head to head, I'm sure.

Number one was an easy baby, an easy child and an easy tween - kind, good grades, honest, athletic - he was an all around good kid. For a few years he was moody and sullen or happy and easy going - you just never knew which. For the most part, he is back to being easy, but I've also laid off on most parenting issues. I figure, whatever "taught" was either learned or not, but I didn't have any more "control". He would do what it was he was going to do. As parents we have pretty much given free reign with the knowledge that if he lied or otherwise abused our trust, that would be it. He hasn't done anything to upset the apple cart to our knowledge. In fact, I've seen him turn towards his family more and more in the last year. He values each and every one of them - from us (his parents) to each of his aunts, uncles & cousins.

I could tell you a million great things about my first born son, but I don't think that any of them would ever explain my absolute love and admiration for him. He has been my "go to" kid for just about everything for such a long time. I'm afraid to let him go because I'm selfish and wonder how I will manage without him. While I don't want to let him go, I also can't wait to see where he goes. He's smarter than he thinks and has such potential. I keep telling him that he can do ANYTHING and that this is the most exciting part of life and not to wish it away.

I hope tomorrow brings only good things for my first baby. I hope the coming year his blessings overflow, but what parent doesn't?

Stay tuned...I know I will.

My cookie & candy list for Christmas

Just thought I would share...be happy to send any recipes for anyone who is interested!

Cookies:
Anise biscotti
Chocolate almond biscotti
Christmas cutouts cookies
Ginger almond refrigerator cookies
Lemon cheese pressed cookies
Jam Thumbprints (apricot & strawberry)
Orange drop cookies w/orange butter icing (taken from a friend's recipe swap blog)
Dark chocolate espresso shortbread (also taken from blog)
Stuffed Red Velvet cookies (recipe from friend)
Gingerbread house, cottage & other various gingerbread cutouts (lots of candy to decorate these)
Pizzelles (anise flavored)

I have the biscotti & most of the cutouts done. Today I am going to work on the pressed cookies and get the dough ready for the ginger almond cookies. If I have time, I will also do the shortbread. I have to find some bigger bottles of red food coloring before I can make the red velvet cookies, but that's ok. I forgot LOL American cheese and that's a no no here so I will have to hit the grocery store soon.
The pizzelles will be done very close to Christmas as they are not easy to store.


Candies:
Peanut butter balls
Peppermint patties
truffles (maybe oreo - def. liqueur flavored - Frangelico (hazelnut), Bailey's Irish Cream & maybe Amaretto if I can get to the package store.)

I will have to get my fondant done soon. It needs a couple of days to "ripen" after making it. The PB balls and especially the truffles are easy peasy and will likely be done next week.

For the most part, I've cut down on the sheer amount of cookies I make and the amount of candies as well. It got so overwhelming for a few years and stopped being fun.

Also this year, because money is very tight, I am opting out of buying the teachers gifts. I have a "In a Jar" cookbook that I will use to make some cookie, muffin or scone mixes and one of the teacher's has asked that we give to a local food bank instead. I did pick up two "kid friendly" cookbooks at Job Lot for a dollar for the pre-K and K classrooms though. I know the teachers understand, but I feel so badly not being able to do much.

Well, no more sitting here - there's baking to be done! TTFN!

Oh my word

I am sitting here with so many things to do, sipping my almost cold coffee and trying to figure out what to do first (and find the motivation to do it.) Well, first I need to exercise, but I mean after that. I think this is called "lollygagging".

I have decided to cut down on the sheer amount of baking I do for the holidays. I usually find so many cookie recipes and I want to make them all so I try and yeah - I get burnt out and crazy - over baking. Silly woman. This year I have 6-8 cookie recipes that I will make and for candy I plan on doing almond joys and peppermint patties. Of course, I will still need to make the gingerbread for our house too. I'm thinking that might be a good project this weekend. Poor number 6....unless I find another "glue" to hold the candy on the house, she won't be helping. Why does royal icing have to be made with egg whites anyway?

So here I sit neither exercising nor getting baking done which really stinks because the time seems to move so much faster after 9am. Ugh. I swear I just looked at the time and it read 8:48am. It is now 9:21am. See?! There is a time conspiracy after 9am! I'm sure of it now.

Well - I better be off to find my motivation...won't get anything done without it!

12-07-09

After a busy weekend, I am reflecting on my father's passing 3 years ago today. While there is sorrow still in my heart, slowly it is replaced by fond memories that make me smile and if I was truthful sometimes some not so fond memories which still bring tears to my eyes. In my personal belief system, God will allow me to know all the answers to those still nagging feelings/thoughts at some point. Maybe not this lifetime, but sometime. I take comfort in that.

My Dad was a complicated man. There was the man who drank and was a total butthole and then there was the father who doted on me and who I knew loved me unconditionally. I am positive he had demons of his own - some known to others and some not. I know he loved his kids and despite some of the craziness of growing up with an alcoholic, we loved him too. Sometimes I think me most of all. I think my Mom loved my Dad too and I think that if my Dad wasn't so controlling & abusive to her when he drank, things might have ended differently for them.

I lived with my Dad until I married Chris and moved out - well except for the 2.5 years I chose to live with my mother & stepfather. He was my confidante. I could talk to him about anything and usually did. Other people thought he was a wonderful guy - handsome, kind, compassionate, smart. He was all those things except when the drink took it away. My Dad was an enigma, but I think many people are. You cannot pigeonhole people because there are so many facets to them and often times, what you see on the outside is just a small part of what is on the inside. Anyway, he was what he was. He was good and bad and despite the bad, I still miss him and will always love him.