I came to the conclusion after doing a 5 mile loop walk yesterday that there are losers in my town. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, the thing I noticed the most yesterday was the sheer amount of empty beer cans along the side of the road. And they weren't just any beer cans. No. They were cheap, nasty tasting, domestic crap - Busch Lite to be exact. And the cans were not crushed or exposed to the elements for too long. In fact, most of them looked brand new. I then decided that someone is not only littering (which is terribly trashy - no pun intended), but they are driving while drinking. Two of the biggest "no-nos" in my book.
I find it very sad that littering is ok to some people - especially in the setting of our small woodsy & farm-like town. It shows such a lack of respect for the beauty of this place. And driving while drinking? That's just all kinds of stupid.
So I'm thinking of packing rubber gloves and a bag the next time I do "the loop" and picking up the junk that the asshole(s) has/have left behind. It would also be nice to catch the person or persons responsible and give them a piece of my mind, but that is unlikely to happen.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
2012 - The year of being kinder
So 2012 has come and we've said goodbye to 2011 (thank goodness). All in all, I don't know many people who didn't have some sort of struggle last year including myself. I am glad for a new year and new possibilities. It is funny how a change in the year also brings a change of mindset. Renewal of strength and optimism, in my case.
I've decided that I need to be kinder. Kinder to my children, kinder to my husband and mostly, kinder to myself. While I hold my family & friends to a high mark, I hold myself even higher. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it often sets me up for disappointment - mostly with myself.
One of the ways I plan to be kinder is to watch my language and to work on yelling. This is going to be tough. I have no filter and really haven't for a long time. Perhaps that makes me some sort of bad person, but there it is, in black and white. I could make a sailor or truck driver blush. I don't really have a problem with curse words as long as they aren't used to degrade someone (and believe me...I am no saint in this area). If you stub your toe and say "F^%$", I think that is acceptable, but I think most people would not agree. Anyway, we now have a swear jar. I'm sure I'll be filling it within no time.
The other way I plan to be kinder is to exercise at least 5x per week, eat right and drink lots of water. Let's just say I stepped on the stoooopid scale this week and I was rudely slapped down to reality. I am worth being healthy and I know that exercising will a.) keep me off of blood pressure meds for the time being and b.) eventually bring me to a healthier weight. This is where being kinder/making excuses will walk a fine line. I will not beat myself up for not exercising for 2 hours every day, but I won't be ok with not exercising. This is my plan. Please kick me (or email - whichever is most handy) if you see or hear of this NOT happening. The eating part of the plan will likely just be normal and perhaps more of a portion thing. I know I don't eat poorly for the most part and will likely just try to add more veggies to our family diet. I will also get back to the "no junk food in the house" rule which really does help. As far as the water goes, it will be a struggle some days and easy others. I don't get it, but there it is.
And lastly, my daily "kinder to me" mantra will be that I cannot do it all and that's ok. Not everyone will like me and I will let people down, but I need to just do my best. I need to let go of feeling overwhelmed ALL.THE.TIME. and allow others to pull their own weight/do their own thing and remember that I can only change myself and how I react to others. I am a good person, but a work in progress, all the same.
I am thinking about keeping a journal for the year and just jotting down something each day to see my changes, etc. I am hoping to keep the positives flowing and rid myself of the negatives that hinder me from achieving all the things I know I can.
Here is to 2012 - may it be happy, healthy and I daresay, prosperous. :)
I've decided that I need to be kinder. Kinder to my children, kinder to my husband and mostly, kinder to myself. While I hold my family & friends to a high mark, I hold myself even higher. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it often sets me up for disappointment - mostly with myself.
One of the ways I plan to be kinder is to watch my language and to work on yelling. This is going to be tough. I have no filter and really haven't for a long time. Perhaps that makes me some sort of bad person, but there it is, in black and white. I could make a sailor or truck driver blush. I don't really have a problem with curse words as long as they aren't used to degrade someone (and believe me...I am no saint in this area). If you stub your toe and say "F^%$", I think that is acceptable, but I think most people would not agree. Anyway, we now have a swear jar. I'm sure I'll be filling it within no time.
The other way I plan to be kinder is to exercise at least 5x per week, eat right and drink lots of water. Let's just say I stepped on the stoooopid scale this week and I was rudely slapped down to reality. I am worth being healthy and I know that exercising will a.) keep me off of blood pressure meds for the time being and b.) eventually bring me to a healthier weight. This is where being kinder/making excuses will walk a fine line. I will not beat myself up for not exercising for 2 hours every day, but I won't be ok with not exercising. This is my plan. Please kick me (or email - whichever is most handy) if you see or hear of this NOT happening. The eating part of the plan will likely just be normal and perhaps more of a portion thing. I know I don't eat poorly for the most part and will likely just try to add more veggies to our family diet. I will also get back to the "no junk food in the house" rule which really does help. As far as the water goes, it will be a struggle some days and easy others. I don't get it, but there it is.
And lastly, my daily "kinder to me" mantra will be that I cannot do it all and that's ok. Not everyone will like me and I will let people down, but I need to just do my best. I need to let go of feeling overwhelmed ALL.THE.TIME. and allow others to pull their own weight/do their own thing and remember that I can only change myself and how I react to others. I am a good person, but a work in progress, all the same.
I am thinking about keeping a journal for the year and just jotting down something each day to see my changes, etc. I am hoping to keep the positives flowing and rid myself of the negatives that hinder me from achieving all the things I know I can.
Here is to 2012 - may it be happy, healthy and I daresay, prosperous. :)
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Storm Alfred...One Woman's Tale
It started off as a chance of snow. Then, as it got closer to the weekend - which was to be an anniversary weekend away from home without children which hasn't happened in over 7 years - it was turning into something bigger. By the time we left Friday afternoon for our "weekend away", it was being called a true Nor'easter.
We spent a glorious night away and then during late afternoon turned back toward CT. Alfred made his presence known as we drove south from North Conway, New Hampshire. The snow and rain, often mixing together got heavier and heavier. By the time we hit Massachusetts, we were heavily into the storm. The roads were awful and many of the other drivers apparently had left their New England common sense at home. Typical first snowfall of the season, really.
The real fun began when I tried to call home and got nothing. Not a good sign. When we finally got off the highway and headed into town, we were greeted with a poll and large tree down and blocking the road. We took an alternate route and finally got home knowing that this storm was going to be bad. Not in the amount of snow that fell, but in the heaviness of it all. Because the weather was still "fall like" and temps had not/were not terribly low, the snow was extremely heavy. As I assumed from the downed line on the state road and the lack of connection on the home phone, we had no power. Thankfully we had the generator and got that hooked up as soon as possible and then hubby tried to rest because he knew he'd be working from storm's end to whenever the snow removal was done.
So the next day dawned and with it brought hope that things would now get back to normal. My beautiful magnolia that I've photographed so many times was just crushed and seeing it, so was my heart. The two Hawthorn trees were also damaged and the big Sugar Maple within the circle of the drive, lost more than a few branches. My beautiful red plum was sideways, leaning on my truck, but not totally out of the ground and my baby Sugar Maple looked more like a weeping cherry until I shook the snow off of it. I fixed the deer fencing that protects my chicken yard from above and shoveled the snow enough for the girls to get into the yard. I also, while re-littering the nesting boxes, picked up the lone black hen who had weathered the storm outside of the coop and put her back in the coop. I took many pictures that morning because while the snow was so damaging, it was also beautiful in the early sunlight.
We, of course, were still without power. Hubby had left at 2am to start snow removal and got home around 2pm. Instead of trying to figure out dinner, we found out that there was a 99 (chain restaurant) open about 25 minutes away (kids eat free on Sundays in October) and so our pack of misfits piled in the family truckster and headed out. I didn't think to plug in our corded land line phone at this point, although it wouldn't have mattered. They didn't charge the "slicks" during this storm either (one of my beefs during Hurricane Irene a few months back). We didn't get it back until Friday afternoon. I was surprised to only have 14 messages on the voicemail.
The next day came with hubby needing to survey tree damage which there was plenty to see. There is a rhythm to running the generator here and really, it runs everything except my electric range/oven and some of the lighting/switches. As I have said before...being without electricity here is an inconvenience for us. When we run the generator, the kids can charge their hand held video games and watch TV (DVR and DVD). I can play on/recharge the laptop and even plug in the washing machine. Basically, we are prepared. We have a wood stove to heat with, a generator to run our essentials and a gas grill and microwave to cook in. Heck, I even have a fryer which I can plug in and use.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday....they all ran into each other. No power. No school. Snippets of news from the radio at 6pm while cooking dinner on the grill. I am proud to say that we ate well every single evening and I baked bread 3 times during the week, on the grill, with decent results. The thing about living so far out in the country is that you don't see anyone really. It's not a neighborhood setting. You get cut off from others and can start to feel desperately alone. It's not the lack of cable or creature comforts that got me...it was the lack of being able to be connected to people. The kids had a ball...no homework, no worries...lots of video games and relaxing. It helped that the weather was for the most part absolutely perfect. Sunny days that were seasonably warm. Good enough to play outside for a bit and cool enough that it felt good to come in. And really, who doesn't love snowball fights with all the kids who live on the Hill? Even I had a few coffee "dates" that week with a friend.
Friday....almost a full 7 days without power...I hit my wall. I unfroze homemade chicken soup for supper and decided that I would make garlic cheddar biscuits on the grill. The grill was acting stupid and low on gas so hubby changed it after they'd been on there for almost 1/2 hour (biscuits need to be baked at a relatively high temp for a short amount of time). It ended up being burnt bottom biscuits for the big batch. THEN, for the second smaller batch, it was "watch the grill start on fire because of grease and ruin everything". For some reason, the biscuit incident sent me over the edge. I was tired of cooking on the grill. I was tired of being alone. I felt miserable in my heart and in my soul and anyone around me was going to get a taste of it (yeah, yeah...PMS too). Hubby, instead of leaving me out in the cold which is what I would have done, took me to the grocery store where he pampered me by buying me something "cheesy" for comfort. (Amy's Organics Cheese Pizza Pocket Sandwich AND Cheddar and Bean burrito. Both microwaveable. No worries...I only ate the pocket sandwich!) And while this may not seem like much, he waited while I pretty much read the ingredients of EVERY.SINGLE.FROZEN.CHEESY.ITEM. I really should have just started in the organic freezer aisle. We also picked up a few odds and ends like organic butter. Did I mention toast was another comfort food? /grin/
Saturday rolls around and with it the guarantee from CL&P (*a division of the EVER GREEDY Northeast Utilities who are also partly responsible for the Northern Pass mess up in NH*) that 99% of customers would be restored by midnight on Sunday. On this day I decide to tackle a project to keep my mind from blowing another gasket. My bedroom. The big closet is vomiting out its contents, E's toys are strewn about and the broken treadmill is laying in the midst of all the chaos. Oh and I forgot to mention that the boys keep busting my one working upright vacuum so I haven't been able to vacuum the disgusting, awful, can't-wait-to-be-rid-of-it carpeting in some time. By the end of Saturday, my room is half done and my closet is back to its neat and tidy self. There is still no power, but I've invited hubby's siblings, nephews and niece over for pizza so there is at least something to look forward to and be thankful for. I'm so glad that they came...really. It was so much fun to just hang out and talk, drink wine and be a family and I daresay it took our minds off of the week that had just passed and gave us maybe some hope for what the coming week would be like.
Sunday dawns with no power, but I'm up at the crack of dawn (Good riddance to DST). I start the generator, turn on my Keurig and brew a cup of joe and start on finishing my job in the bedroom. Soon enough, the kids tell me (while the generator is on) that we have cable now. While hubby goes to help our retired neighbor start his generator, he is told that the neighbor has called CL&P and put in an emergency call. They are both diabetics and need to keep their insulin cold. Without the snow (which has melted) they cannot. Hubby and I head out to do errands and we come back to the 6 children who have now hit their wall. One locked out in bare feet, two eldest angry...good times. While we are having rational discussions (no really...they were actually rational!) with all the parties involved with the generator running, I notice my stove is blinking the time....Oh sweet JESUS, YES!!!! Off goes the generator and back on the grid. Power is restored! I am so excited that I promise cookies and cake and a yummy meal cooked INSIDE the home. I finish up the bedroom "clean and revamp" and Shrimp Scampi graces our table that evening and we all are happy.
I'm not sure I've learned much from the storm except that I really loathe the drone of small engines running. I guess I also learn that it pays to be prepared as best as you can. I am thankful that we heeded warnings back in 2005 to have an electrician come and get us generator ready. Things would have been a million times worse if we didn't. I think our only change after Alfred (and his friend Irene before him) will be to convert to a gas range so that cooking can be done inside of our house. Whether I get the Wolf range is still up in the air. /grin/
I will say this as a closing: I can't say I missed the hum of the electricity. There is something pretty special about the absolute silence that the lack of electricity leaves you with in a world that seems is always busy and moving...you just have to stop and enjoy it. And then remember to do that daily.....
We spent a glorious night away and then during late afternoon turned back toward CT. Alfred made his presence known as we drove south from North Conway, New Hampshire. The snow and rain, often mixing together got heavier and heavier. By the time we hit Massachusetts, we were heavily into the storm. The roads were awful and many of the other drivers apparently had left their New England common sense at home. Typical first snowfall of the season, really.
The real fun began when I tried to call home and got nothing. Not a good sign. When we finally got off the highway and headed into town, we were greeted with a poll and large tree down and blocking the road. We took an alternate route and finally got home knowing that this storm was going to be bad. Not in the amount of snow that fell, but in the heaviness of it all. Because the weather was still "fall like" and temps had not/were not terribly low, the snow was extremely heavy. As I assumed from the downed line on the state road and the lack of connection on the home phone, we had no power. Thankfully we had the generator and got that hooked up as soon as possible and then hubby tried to rest because he knew he'd be working from storm's end to whenever the snow removal was done.
So the next day dawned and with it brought hope that things would now get back to normal. My beautiful magnolia that I've photographed so many times was just crushed and seeing it, so was my heart. The two Hawthorn trees were also damaged and the big Sugar Maple within the circle of the drive, lost more than a few branches. My beautiful red plum was sideways, leaning on my truck, but not totally out of the ground and my baby Sugar Maple looked more like a weeping cherry until I shook the snow off of it. I fixed the deer fencing that protects my chicken yard from above and shoveled the snow enough for the girls to get into the yard. I also, while re-littering the nesting boxes, picked up the lone black hen who had weathered the storm outside of the coop and put her back in the coop. I took many pictures that morning because while the snow was so damaging, it was also beautiful in the early sunlight.
We, of course, were still without power. Hubby had left at 2am to start snow removal and got home around 2pm. Instead of trying to figure out dinner, we found out that there was a 99 (chain restaurant) open about 25 minutes away (kids eat free on Sundays in October) and so our pack of misfits piled in the family truckster and headed out. I didn't think to plug in our corded land line phone at this point, although it wouldn't have mattered. They didn't charge the "slicks" during this storm either (one of my beefs during Hurricane Irene a few months back). We didn't get it back until Friday afternoon. I was surprised to only have 14 messages on the voicemail.
The next day came with hubby needing to survey tree damage which there was plenty to see. There is a rhythm to running the generator here and really, it runs everything except my electric range/oven and some of the lighting/switches. As I have said before...being without electricity here is an inconvenience for us. When we run the generator, the kids can charge their hand held video games and watch TV (DVR and DVD). I can play on/recharge the laptop and even plug in the washing machine. Basically, we are prepared. We have a wood stove to heat with, a generator to run our essentials and a gas grill and microwave to cook in. Heck, I even have a fryer which I can plug in and use.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday....they all ran into each other. No power. No school. Snippets of news from the radio at 6pm while cooking dinner on the grill. I am proud to say that we ate well every single evening and I baked bread 3 times during the week, on the grill, with decent results. The thing about living so far out in the country is that you don't see anyone really. It's not a neighborhood setting. You get cut off from others and can start to feel desperately alone. It's not the lack of cable or creature comforts that got me...it was the lack of being able to be connected to people. The kids had a ball...no homework, no worries...lots of video games and relaxing. It helped that the weather was for the most part absolutely perfect. Sunny days that were seasonably warm. Good enough to play outside for a bit and cool enough that it felt good to come in. And really, who doesn't love snowball fights with all the kids who live on the Hill? Even I had a few coffee "dates" that week with a friend.
Friday....almost a full 7 days without power...I hit my wall. I unfroze homemade chicken soup for supper and decided that I would make garlic cheddar biscuits on the grill. The grill was acting stupid and low on gas so hubby changed it after they'd been on there for almost 1/2 hour (biscuits need to be baked at a relatively high temp for a short amount of time). It ended up being burnt bottom biscuits for the big batch. THEN, for the second smaller batch, it was "watch the grill start on fire because of grease and ruin everything". For some reason, the biscuit incident sent me over the edge. I was tired of cooking on the grill. I was tired of being alone. I felt miserable in my heart and in my soul and anyone around me was going to get a taste of it (yeah, yeah...PMS too). Hubby, instead of leaving me out in the cold which is what I would have done, took me to the grocery store where he pampered me by buying me something "cheesy" for comfort. (Amy's Organics Cheese Pizza Pocket Sandwich AND Cheddar and Bean burrito. Both microwaveable. No worries...I only ate the pocket sandwich!) And while this may not seem like much, he waited while I pretty much read the ingredients of EVERY.SINGLE.FROZEN.CHEESY.ITEM. I really should have just started in the organic freezer aisle. We also picked up a few odds and ends like organic butter. Did I mention toast was another comfort food? /grin/
Saturday rolls around and with it the guarantee from CL&P (*a division of the EVER GREEDY Northeast Utilities who are also partly responsible for the Northern Pass mess up in NH*) that 99% of customers would be restored by midnight on Sunday. On this day I decide to tackle a project to keep my mind from blowing another gasket. My bedroom. The big closet is vomiting out its contents, E's toys are strewn about and the broken treadmill is laying in the midst of all the chaos. Oh and I forgot to mention that the boys keep busting my one working upright vacuum so I haven't been able to vacuum the disgusting, awful, can't-wait-to-be-rid-of-it carpeting in some time. By the end of Saturday, my room is half done and my closet is back to its neat and tidy self. There is still no power, but I've invited hubby's siblings, nephews and niece over for pizza so there is at least something to look forward to and be thankful for. I'm so glad that they came...really. It was so much fun to just hang out and talk, drink wine and be a family and I daresay it took our minds off of the week that had just passed and gave us maybe some hope for what the coming week would be like.
Sunday dawns with no power, but I'm up at the crack of dawn (Good riddance to DST). I start the generator, turn on my Keurig and brew a cup of joe and start on finishing my job in the bedroom. Soon enough, the kids tell me (while the generator is on) that we have cable now. While hubby goes to help our retired neighbor start his generator, he is told that the neighbor has called CL&P and put in an emergency call. They are both diabetics and need to keep their insulin cold. Without the snow (which has melted) they cannot. Hubby and I head out to do errands and we come back to the 6 children who have now hit their wall. One locked out in bare feet, two eldest angry...good times. While we are having rational discussions (no really...they were actually rational!) with all the parties involved with the generator running, I notice my stove is blinking the time....Oh sweet JESUS, YES!!!! Off goes the generator and back on the grid. Power is restored! I am so excited that I promise cookies and cake and a yummy meal cooked INSIDE the home. I finish up the bedroom "clean and revamp" and Shrimp Scampi graces our table that evening and we all are happy.
I'm not sure I've learned much from the storm except that I really loathe the drone of small engines running. I guess I also learn that it pays to be prepared as best as you can. I am thankful that we heeded warnings back in 2005 to have an electrician come and get us generator ready. Things would have been a million times worse if we didn't. I think our only change after Alfred (and his friend Irene before him) will be to convert to a gas range so that cooking can be done inside of our house. Whether I get the Wolf range is still up in the air. /grin/
I will say this as a closing: I can't say I missed the hum of the electricity. There is something pretty special about the absolute silence that the lack of electricity leaves you with in a world that seems is always busy and moving...you just have to stop and enjoy it. And then remember to do that daily.....
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Deep in thought along the road
I've started walking each day...anywhere between 4 and 5 miles. I try to get at least one hour away from the house for the most part. Sometimes it's longer and sometimes it is a bit shorter.
So this week, I've taken the blue trail a couple of times. One day I did the short part. I know this one like the back of my hand. I've taken it numerous times with the kids in tow because let's face it, walking in the woods is just good fun. One day I decided to take the other side of the trail head that I'd never been on, but knew which road it would dump me on. After walking for about 30 minutes, I realized I probably was in a bit over my head and was glad that I had grabbed a large stick to walk with. We have had a lot of rain (something like 20" over normal) and so some of the areas I was walking through were a bit wet and mucky. Probably better suited for bikes or hiking boots than sneakers, but I kept going as the trail was well marked. Finally I got to a place where it was very, very wet and I could not tell where the trail went. I kinda had an idea of where I was and decided that I needed to get off the trail and onto a road. After climbing a rather large hill and finding that I was farther than expected (although I knew exactly where I was), I trespassed on private property. This usually would not be such a big deal, but it is hunting season in these parts and I passed not only a large hunting blind, but also a tree stand. I was happy to have on my bright yellow sweatshirt and bright white bandana on my head. Needless to say, I've stayed on the road or taken the shorter part of the trail that I know instead.
Anyway, because I have been walking alone, I've thought deeply about things. It is amazing what clarity you can get when you are alone on a dirt road or in the woods with no sounds, but birds and fat squirrels scuffling around trying to make haste in winter preparations. I have stopped using an iPod because I really feel like I need to be hyper-aware of my surroundings especially while alone. It is quite humbling to look at trees thicker around than your body and know that they have been on earth longer than you and will likely survive longer than you as well. I have felt rather small and inconsequential, really. Of course, I've also seen trees, especially around the ponds, grow together. My hubby tells me that these types of trees are less strong and dangerous to power lines, but there is something comforting in seeing 5 trees mesh their trunks into one, but go their own way. Perhaps, this is a reminder for me that family is where my roots are even when I want to do my own thing? Maybe a reminder that I can still stay grounded, but continue to grow. I am quite certain, even with all my rantings and ravings about how sucky life can be sometimes, that I am not destined to be the strong tree standing alone, but more of the smaller tree meshed with others.
In any case, my walks have really been a balm for my soul this week. I'm so thankful to live where I do and have the opportunity to enjoy my surroundings each and every day. Blessed is what I truly am....even when I go and forget that.
Monday, October 24, 2011
A change in my thinking....
So I've changed my thinking about something since hurting my back. Ok, ok, let me start at the beginning.....
I started to run about 3 years ago. I have never been fast, although early on, I did have more endurance than I do now. I roughly can do a 5K in about 39 minutes. I am totally ok with this. I have lowered the time on my one mile run, but for anything longer, I just haven't worked on the endurance of keeping a faster pace. The last mile of a 5K is usually the one that gets me.
Summer came and I hurt myself in the pool. I knew I pulled something, but with regular pool use, I didn't really have any pain. We head out on vacation which is 5 hours in the car and then lots of driving once we reach our destination. By the end of the week, my back is a mess. Then the coup d'etat, I really hurt myself the Sunday before Labor Day when I try to get the stuck collar off the pool filter and wind up in the ER hours before our annual party.
After almost 2 months of back pain, lots of meds and physical therapy, I am happy to report that I feel great. I feel some residual ache sometimes if I overdo with heavy lifting, but for the most part, I feel healed. And this is where it comes to me....
Running is guaranteed to lessen your flexibility. I didn't make this up. It's the truth. I have to thank my daughter and her friend, A., both dancers, for cluing me in. After some research on my own AND talking to my physical therapist, running *does* lessen one's flexibility. DAMN.
So, I'm not running anymore. Why? Well, here's the thing, the one thing that I've always, always had was flexibility. Obviously as I've aged, some of it has gone away, but the lack of flexibility that I had when my back was hurt was overwhelming and it scared me. After talking with my physical therapist at my last visit, I think that I will walk for the cardio I need to keep my BP in check and I will pursue yoga to keep myself strong and flexible for as long as possible. So I may not be losing a whole lot of weight, but I think this is the right approach for my 40+ year old body. I want to be here for my family for a long time...and I want to be able to carry myself for as long as possible while I'm here.
I started to run about 3 years ago. I have never been fast, although early on, I did have more endurance than I do now. I roughly can do a 5K in about 39 minutes. I am totally ok with this. I have lowered the time on my one mile run, but for anything longer, I just haven't worked on the endurance of keeping a faster pace. The last mile of a 5K is usually the one that gets me.
Summer came and I hurt myself in the pool. I knew I pulled something, but with regular pool use, I didn't really have any pain. We head out on vacation which is 5 hours in the car and then lots of driving once we reach our destination. By the end of the week, my back is a mess. Then the coup d'etat, I really hurt myself the Sunday before Labor Day when I try to get the stuck collar off the pool filter and wind up in the ER hours before our annual party.
After almost 2 months of back pain, lots of meds and physical therapy, I am happy to report that I feel great. I feel some residual ache sometimes if I overdo with heavy lifting, but for the most part, I feel healed. And this is where it comes to me....
Running is guaranteed to lessen your flexibility. I didn't make this up. It's the truth. I have to thank my daughter and her friend, A., both dancers, for cluing me in. After some research on my own AND talking to my physical therapist, running *does* lessen one's flexibility. DAMN.
So, I'm not running anymore. Why? Well, here's the thing, the one thing that I've always, always had was flexibility. Obviously as I've aged, some of it has gone away, but the lack of flexibility that I had when my back was hurt was overwhelming and it scared me. After talking with my physical therapist at my last visit, I think that I will walk for the cardio I need to keep my BP in check and I will pursue yoga to keep myself strong and flexible for as long as possible. So I may not be losing a whole lot of weight, but I think this is the right approach for my 40+ year old body. I want to be here for my family for a long time...and I want to be able to carry myself for as long as possible while I'm here.
Friday, October 14, 2011
I'm sick.
Yes, truly. Head cold. Allow me to whine? Wait, I don't have to ask permission because this is my blog! HAH!
This is where the whining starts.....
So head colds are generally no big deal. You sneeze some, cough a bit, you blow your nose a lot and maybe your throat tickles a little. I have never complained about a cold (well...maybe I have, but I don't recall, so that means never).
Add in my super duper sciatic nerve being pinched in my left buttock because of the curse (with no relief from ANY of the stretches that usually help) and then a bunch of lower back and butt muscles that are NOT healed yet (WTF? When are they just going to heal? I'm done already!) and you get a body that will not tolerate sneezing or coughing without the back going into major seizures of pain unless I am lying on my side, knees pulled up to my chest with a large pillow or blanket to hug and even then it's a crap shoot on whether my back seizes up.
You know what? I'm just tired of being broken. Tired of pain. Tired of having one or two good days followed by 3 or 4 awful, no good, rotten days. I'm tired of everything taking me a zillion years to accomplish because I move like a ninety year old woman. I'm tired of the hubby and kids joking that I'm really "milking" this back business. I'm just tired. Hmmm, seems to be a theme in my life, doesn't it? Sigh. If it isn't one thing it's another. Now someone pass me a tissue.
This is where the whining starts.....
So head colds are generally no big deal. You sneeze some, cough a bit, you blow your nose a lot and maybe your throat tickles a little. I have never complained about a cold (well...maybe I have, but I don't recall, so that means never).
Add in my super duper sciatic nerve being pinched in my left buttock because of the curse (with no relief from ANY of the stretches that usually help) and then a bunch of lower back and butt muscles that are NOT healed yet (WTF? When are they just going to heal? I'm done already!) and you get a body that will not tolerate sneezing or coughing without the back going into major seizures of pain unless I am lying on my side, knees pulled up to my chest with a large pillow or blanket to hug and even then it's a crap shoot on whether my back seizes up.
You know what? I'm just tired of being broken. Tired of pain. Tired of having one or two good days followed by 3 or 4 awful, no good, rotten days. I'm tired of everything taking me a zillion years to accomplish because I move like a ninety year old woman. I'm tired of the hubby and kids joking that I'm really "milking" this back business. I'm just tired. Hmmm, seems to be a theme in my life, doesn't it? Sigh. If it isn't one thing it's another. Now someone pass me a tissue.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Inevitable.
My mother is now being evaluated in a geriatric behavioral health setting. We took a nice 911 ambulance ride on her 78th birthday. My sister flew up over the weekend and stayed with us. She went to see my Mom during visiting hours on Saturday evening. Becca and I went and picked her up and spent a few minutes with my Mom. She was barely coherent.
For the past few weeks I have been very angry. I snap at the kids. I snap at the hubby. I just can't seem to be happy. Last night after hubby was nice to me even though I had been a total witch, I started crying. Oh I have felt it coming. I just keep pushing it back. Last night I couldn't push it away anymore. I sobbed when hubby put on Dirty Dancing for a few minutes and then later on probably sobbed for a good half hour. Hubby finally got out of me what the issue is.
I am tired. Tired of being an adult. Oh I know...no use crying over that. It isn't apt to change. I'm tired of the role reversal. I miss my Dad. He would take care of all of this so I wouldn't have to. See...I'm just tired. I just can't seem to wrap my head around this adult business where you have to care for your parent. I also found out that my brother is about as useful as one of my younger children really which adds to the amount of weight I feel in my shoulders. I love my brother...he is smart and a good man...he just can't speak up. I had to become the mouthpiece for my mother in the ER for over 12 hours when I just wanted someone else to share the load. The longer we sat around in a hallway, the more I spoke up. I guess I should have started earlier. Perhaps we would have been out of the hospital before 1am.
I feel like if I move in the wrong direction this house of cards is all going to fall down on me. For the first time in my life I am wondering if I might need some meds to help with my mental state. For anyone who knows anything about me, that has NEVER crossed my mind. I deal. I don't take drugs. But...BUT...I don't even find joy in my everyday life anymore and add to this my back issues and the fact that I am in pain more than half the time I am awake, you might be able to see why I am tired. Laundry is bothersome. Cleaning the house is a task that physically hurts me so badly that I just don't care. Dinner? Oh yeah, well, I barely get by these days. And today, well today I have to visit my mother in the behavioral hospital by myself. I am terrified. Literally. I have PT at 11:30 and then I have to drive myself there and go in by myself. I have put it off for 2 days now. I'm afraid of the unknown. I am honestly surprised that I have not had a panic attack. I don't want to visit my mother who doesn't seem to even know what the hell is going on while other confused elderly people walk around not knowing what is going on. I'm afraid I will do something wrong. I actually don't really know what scares me the most....I am just know I'm sick over it.
I know where my fear comes from I think. When I was about 5yo, my father took me into the nursing home that my grandfather was living in (his father). Some of the elderly people in the home yelled at my Dad for bringing in a little girl. One man in particular was a rather large man with no legs in a wheelchair in the hallway as we walked down to my grandfather's room. He told my Dad that I was too young to be there. I was so frightened of him. Once we got to my grandfather's room, he was a shell of the man I knew. He was in a large high chair and he didn't speak. He was even scary. Ever since then, I have been uncomfortable (at best) with elderly people especially in a nursing home/hospital setting. My Nana (mom's mom) was everything right and good in my childhood, yet, when her dementia landed her in a nursing home, I can count on one hand how many times I went in to visit and I NEVER went alone.
I wish I had the strength to change how I feel. I wish I felt kind and loving towards elderly people. I wish that they didn't scare me to death. Maybe, just maybe, I don't like seeing the inevitable staring at me in the face with its angry, cold eyes.
For the past few weeks I have been very angry. I snap at the kids. I snap at the hubby. I just can't seem to be happy. Last night after hubby was nice to me even though I had been a total witch, I started crying. Oh I have felt it coming. I just keep pushing it back. Last night I couldn't push it away anymore. I sobbed when hubby put on Dirty Dancing for a few minutes and then later on probably sobbed for a good half hour. Hubby finally got out of me what the issue is.
I am tired. Tired of being an adult. Oh I know...no use crying over that. It isn't apt to change. I'm tired of the role reversal. I miss my Dad. He would take care of all of this so I wouldn't have to. See...I'm just tired. I just can't seem to wrap my head around this adult business where you have to care for your parent. I also found out that my brother is about as useful as one of my younger children really which adds to the amount of weight I feel in my shoulders. I love my brother...he is smart and a good man...he just can't speak up. I had to become the mouthpiece for my mother in the ER for over 12 hours when I just wanted someone else to share the load. The longer we sat around in a hallway, the more I spoke up. I guess I should have started earlier. Perhaps we would have been out of the hospital before 1am.
I feel like if I move in the wrong direction this house of cards is all going to fall down on me. For the first time in my life I am wondering if I might need some meds to help with my mental state. For anyone who knows anything about me, that has NEVER crossed my mind. I deal. I don't take drugs. But...BUT...I don't even find joy in my everyday life anymore and add to this my back issues and the fact that I am in pain more than half the time I am awake, you might be able to see why I am tired. Laundry is bothersome. Cleaning the house is a task that physically hurts me so badly that I just don't care. Dinner? Oh yeah, well, I barely get by these days. And today, well today I have to visit my mother in the behavioral hospital by myself. I am terrified. Literally. I have PT at 11:30 and then I have to drive myself there and go in by myself. I have put it off for 2 days now. I'm afraid of the unknown. I am honestly surprised that I have not had a panic attack. I don't want to visit my mother who doesn't seem to even know what the hell is going on while other confused elderly people walk around not knowing what is going on. I'm afraid I will do something wrong. I actually don't really know what scares me the most....I am just know I'm sick over it.
I know where my fear comes from I think. When I was about 5yo, my father took me into the nursing home that my grandfather was living in (his father). Some of the elderly people in the home yelled at my Dad for bringing in a little girl. One man in particular was a rather large man with no legs in a wheelchair in the hallway as we walked down to my grandfather's room. He told my Dad that I was too young to be there. I was so frightened of him. Once we got to my grandfather's room, he was a shell of the man I knew. He was in a large high chair and he didn't speak. He was even scary. Ever since then, I have been uncomfortable (at best) with elderly people especially in a nursing home/hospital setting. My Nana (mom's mom) was everything right and good in my childhood, yet, when her dementia landed her in a nursing home, I can count on one hand how many times I went in to visit and I NEVER went alone.
I wish I had the strength to change how I feel. I wish I felt kind and loving towards elderly people. I wish that they didn't scare me to death. Maybe, just maybe, I don't like seeing the inevitable staring at me in the face with its angry, cold eyes.
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