Perimenopause is a witch

I feel the need to write about perimenopause.  I'm here.  This is my life right now.  Honestly, I've had a few hot flashes and my periods are not every 28 days and not remotely like they have been the last 15 years or so.  My sex drive surges & wanes, but all that really isn't bothersome.  It isn't intrusive on my daily life.  It might be irritating for a day or a minute, but what really gets me is the damn emotions.  They are all over the place.  I cry at the drop of the hat.  Hell, I'm crying about crying.  Or all of a sudden I'm super bitch and I can't control myself (I really don't like her).  I can't stand the freaking roller coaster I seem to be on every.single.day.

I try to tell myself that it is a normal part of life and women have been doing this longer than I've been on this earth times a thousand.  My body is doing what it is supposed to be doing and it might go on for as long as 10 years. (No, thank you.  I'll take a zero.)  I know all the right answers, but living it is something totally different.

A week or so ago I cried looking at baby pictures of my now 17 year old son who is kind, loving and a generally good person, but I couldn't help think of how I could have been a better parent to him.  How I let him down on so many levels so many times.  It literally pains my heart just thinking about it and the tears start flowing.  What the?  Really?  If a friend told me this, I would tell her "Nonsense...he's a great kid.  You did a good job!"  But not for myself. 

This morning I cried looking at a wedding photo of my hubby and I.  Baby-faced and beautiful, the both of us.  I cry thinking how fast life has flown by and cry thinking about how lucky I am that he still rocks my world, but is it the same for him?  Do I still rock his world?  What the hell is wrong with me?  He tells me he loves me everyday.  Our sex life is fine.  Why?  Why does this happen?

I can't seem to shut off these very visceral thoughts and that is hard for me.  I grew up with the Great Wall of China around my heart and feelings.  It was something that I had to do to preserve myself.  No one, but a few, were allowed into where I kept my fragile self.  Then as I grew older (and bolder), I started to allow people in.  I realized most people are good hearted and kind which is a lovely thing, but I seem to have lost all control now.

Listen, I don't know why I am writing this except for maybe to just get it off my chest.  Especially now that I have no filter.  If you see me crying, it's probably just my whack job hormones taking a stroll.  No worries and feel free to move along, but if you get this post even a little bit, please let me know that I'm not alone in the utter craziness of perimenopause.

Christmas 2015

I don't post much anymore, but I have to say what an amazing Christmas we had this year.  As our children get older & become adults I am reminded how blessed we are to have them all together under our roof for the holidays - especially with a granddaughter who was celebrating her very first Christmas! I am also thankful for extended family and all the time we were able to share with them.  This year it didn't feel like a mad rush to open gifts, but a time to really enjoy giving & each other.  And it would be foolish not to mention the continuous laughter we shared over the last four days.  Laughing is one of my favorite things to do.  

I did not take pictures this year and I am thinking I probably should have.  I have the memories tucked away in my heart though.  Did I mention how cool it was to be a part of my granddaughters's first Christmas?  How about the coolness of watching a newly gifted movie on my laptop with #6 in her bedroom Christmas night?  Or seeing my boys enjoying each other & the new Wiiu which was a family gift...This all reminds me that life is good.

That being said, I did get the two things I specifically asked for along with other things that made me feel so incredibly spoiled!  #1 child along with his girl & #2 child and her boy gave me a new coffee mug.  It's called a hug-a-mug.  It's pottery which makes it even way cooler!  My SIL gave me a Fitbit Charge HR which was the other coveted item.  They also gave me other lovely items which enhanced the spoiling effect!  And DH overfilled my stocking as usual plus bought me things he knew would make me happy (a new drill!  Yay!) even though we don't buy each other gifts usually.

I think the most fun was watching my kids open their gifts.  They all seemed so appreciative of the presents they received which to me is huge.  I loved surprising them with things that were on their list, but they didn't think they were getting.  I also loved seeing #6's surprise when Santa left her a reply to her letter.  She questioned Santa's existence this year so I know we are at the end of the magical years which is bittersweet.  

What a lovely way to end a year and a very stressful season.  I hope 2016 is as good as 2015 has been.

Why I don't Facebook anymore

It's been such a long time and things have changed.  Don't they always?!  Silly me for always being surprised!

I stopped facebooking over a year ago.  One day I had just had enough of a certain person's "look at me" posts and shut down my account.  I took the apps off my phone and ipad and swore I would never go back.  I had numerous family & friends tell me to ignore/block/delete the person and come back to Facebook, but I held my ground.  That's not to say I didn't think of coming back.  I did.  I had marvelous plots in my head about how I could get around *that* person, but then I would think it just really wasn't worth it.

I miss my friends the most.  The friends that I met on babyzone over 10 years ago and then have met numerous times in person.  I miss my friend, H, from England.  I miss my friends, J & J, from Canada.  Heck, I miss my friend, C, from Boston and, gosh, there are just too many to count.  Our lives have changed so much over the last 10 years, but the reasons for me to love them hasn't.  

I did reactivate my account.  I have pics that I need to get because I had my hard drive crash on my laptop.  I have lurked once or twice in the last few months, but really, I still find my blood boil when I see *that* person liking everything on FB and still being "look at me...I'm so awesome".  Honestly, while the problem is definitely my own, I find no way around it, but to give up FB.  I emailed/texted some friends today.  Just to let them know I missed them and was thinking of them.  Not the same as getting daily snippets of their life, but really all I am able to have in good conscience it seems.

I can't say that I have really missed FB.  I find that it becomes an addiction for most people I know, myself included.  I also read an article lately about narcissism and how it relates to social media.  I don't want to be narcissistic.  I don't want to live under the false assumption that 500 people care that much about what I do, say or think each day.  My friends might care, but there are other channels to reach out to them and family as well.  I think I need to search and use those ways.

In the mean time, I'm going to get on with the retrieving of my pictures and then be done with FB for good.  Hopefully, my friends will still know where to find me.

What is *that*?!

So you might be wondering, "What are those things?" Or you might be saying, "Those look like recycled pants legs hanging on crutches." Well, here's the explanation.

So I've gone and broke my foot. I would love to tell you that it was while I was working out or something fantastic like that. Unfortunately, I can only tell you that I was dragging a full hamper of dirty laundry down the stairs from the upstairs hallway and managed to find a shoe on the very last stair to trip on. I heard a crack as I was falling and pretty much knew instantly that I had done something very bad. As I laid there howling not knowing what to do next, I was thankful that I wasn't alone. Jeremy and his pup were by my side inside 20 seconds. After getting up, crying, putting on some sweats, crying, brushing my hair & teeth, crying and getting a hold of my hubby who was at the dentist, I ended up in the ER. After having xrays and getting my splint and some nifty crutches, I was out the door and headed home.

I soon found out that crutches mean you cannot hold anything and walk at the same time. I had pockets in my pants, but they didn't hold much, but the home phone and my cell. And what happens when you have pants on without pockets? I mean, let's face it. My leg and foot are pretty wide now that they are splint covered. Pants choices are limited. Last night on a whim I decided to search "crutches" on Pinterest. I found a picture of a bag someone had made out of denim for crutches. The light bulb went on and so this morning after I made my way down the stairs on my butt, I went to work on making these nifty bags for MY crutches. I used pant legs cut off from some holey-kneed pants that I turned into shorts for the boys. So far they have held: my cell, the house phone, deodorant, perfume, underwear, sock (notice there is no plural there.../sigh/), bra, library book, scissors, duct tape, garbage bag (for covering foot/leg in shower), buttered toast (stored in a sandwich container) and a couple of Advil. I'd say the few hours of rudimentary sewing was a huge success!!

Now if only I could be miraculously healed..... /grin/

Shut out

Oh dear Lord. Here we go again.

I love my extended family. If my brothers or sister needed anything and I could help, I'd drop whatever I was doing and do what I could. I loved my Dad despite his alcoholism and verbal abuse (at times). Here's where it gets tricky. I honestly do not know what I feel for my Mom. I mean, I took care of her last winter along with my brother. I wasn't abusive and I really did care how she felt, what she ate...really, she was like having another child. Fast forward one year and I am really just ambivalent towards her. I don't want anything bad to happen to her (obviously), but I don't have any real feelings that make me want to call her or visit her. I took dinner over on Thanksgiving and saw her on Christmas Eve, but that's about it.

So she has been removed from her home again. Placed in the same hospital she was evaluated in before. I haven't gone to visit. I haven't even thought about it really. I've asked my brother (who has POA and Conservatorship) for updates (and gotten them when asked). Now it seems that she is being moved somewhere permanent and I found out about it on Facebook from a status my sister posted.

Here's where the "Shut Out" part comes in. I have obviously been some sort of heinous bitch of a daughter because my sister is not speaking to me. Oh wait, she will send one or two word texts if I send her one first. She also responded glibly to an email that I sent all three of my siblings, but I know there is a storm brewing underneath all of that which I've decided to ignore because I don't need the drama in my life. If she wants to spill it, she will. I'm not going to beg for a "beating". Did I mention that she is talking all about her trip to CT in March with my niece & her babies, but has yet to even mention it to me?! You know what's funny? She sends my kids crap for every holiday thinking that this is how she will be a part of their life, but when push comes to shove, my kids see her for how she behaves to me. Not much respect there, I'm afraid.

My brother, on the other hand, has yet to respond to my text of yesterday which asked him what was going on because of what my sister posted on Facebook. I texted him at 2:39pm and he most def. received the message. I know he is busy with work and his life (gasp, we all have one). I've checked my email about 3 dozen times to make sure that I am not missing an update. As of 9am this morning, NOTHING. NADA.

I do not claim to be the perfect daughter or even a good one, but I think I deserve to know what is going on. Apparently my punishment for not being able to help my mother before our NYC competition is being shut out. Here's a shout out to dysfunctional and passive aggressive families. Let's never clear the air...instead, let's ignore the person we're angry at. Yeah, that's a great plan.......

What the?

I came to the conclusion after doing a 5 mile loop walk yesterday that there are losers in my town. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, the thing I noticed the most yesterday was the sheer amount of empty beer cans along the side of the road. And they weren't just any beer cans. No. They were cheap, nasty tasting, domestic crap - Busch Lite to be exact. And the cans were not crushed or exposed to the elements for too long. In fact, most of them looked brand new. I then decided that someone is not only littering (which is terribly trashy - no pun intended), but they are driving while drinking. Two of the biggest "no-nos" in my book.

I find it very sad that littering is ok to some people - especially in the setting of our small woodsy & farm-like town. It shows such a lack of respect for the beauty of this place. And driving while drinking? That's just all kinds of stupid.

So I'm thinking of packing rubber gloves and a bag the next time I do "the loop" and picking up the junk that the asshole(s) has/have left behind. It would also be nice to catch the person or persons responsible and give them a piece of my mind, but that is unlikely to happen.

2012 - The year of being kinder

So 2012 has come and we've said goodbye to 2011 (thank goodness). All in all, I don't know many people who didn't have some sort of struggle last year including myself. I am glad for a new year and new possibilities. It is funny how a change in the year also brings a change of mindset. Renewal of strength and optimism, in my case.

I've decided that I need to be kinder. Kinder to my children, kinder to my husband and mostly, kinder to myself. While I hold my family & friends to a high mark, I hold myself even higher. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it often sets me up for disappointment - mostly with myself.

One of the ways I plan to be kinder is to watch my language and to work on yelling. This is going to be tough. I have no filter and really haven't for a long time. Perhaps that makes me some sort of bad person, but there it is, in black and white. I could make a sailor or truck driver blush. I don't really have a problem with curse words as long as they aren't used to degrade someone (and believe me...I am no saint in this area). If you stub your toe and say "F^%$", I think that is acceptable, but I think most people would not agree. Anyway, we now have a swear jar. I'm sure I'll be filling it within no time.

The other way I plan to be kinder is to exercise at least 5x per week, eat right and drink lots of water. Let's just say I stepped on the stoooopid scale this week and I was rudely slapped down to reality. I am worth being healthy and I know that exercising will a.) keep me off of blood pressure meds for the time being and b.) eventually bring me to a healthier weight. This is where being kinder/making excuses will walk a fine line. I will not beat myself up for not exercising for 2 hours every day, but I won't be ok with not exercising. This is my plan. Please kick me (or email - whichever is most handy) if you see or hear of this NOT happening. The eating part of the plan will likely just be normal and perhaps more of a portion thing. I know I don't eat poorly for the most part and will likely just try to add more veggies to our family diet. I will also get back to the "no junk food in the house" rule which really does help. As far as the water goes, it will be a struggle some days and easy others. I don't get it, but there it is.

And lastly, my daily "kinder to me" mantra will be that I cannot do it all and that's ok. Not everyone will like me and I will let people down, but I need to just do my best. I need to let go of feeling overwhelmed ALL.THE.TIME. and allow others to pull their own weight/do their own thing and remember that I can only change myself and how I react to others. I am a good person, but a work in progress, all the same.

I am thinking about keeping a journal for the year and just jotting down something each day to see my changes, etc. I am hoping to keep the positives flowing and rid myself of the negatives that hinder me from achieving all the things I know I can.

Here is to 2012 - may it be happy, healthy and I daresay, prosperous. :)