My past

While reading my friend Leah's blog, it reminded me of my own teenage years. Two things in particular came to mind and while they aren't mirror images of Leah's own experiences, they definitely have some commonalities.

First I will preface this by letting you know that virtually my whole life was spent living with my Dad. My parents separated when I was 5 and were divorced by the time I was 6. All, but 2 and a half years were spent living with my Dad until I was married. The time I spent with my mom was short, but it was also those awful preteen/beginner teen years where a.) I believed the world revolved around me and b.) I felt certifiable many, MANY days. Needless to say, those were rough years. I ended up going back to live with my Dad halfway through my freshman year in high school right after I got caught being truant. Of course, being truant is bad, but the fact that I had spent the day with a guy trying to lose my virginity is probably the real issue here. In fact, that just gives you an idea where my head was then. I remember vividly just wanting someone (a boy) to love me and take care of me (treat me well). My dream for as long as I can remember was to be married to Prince Charming and have a gaggle of children.

So back to the small town I grew up in - desperately missing the friends & life I had in my mother's more "urban" town. I re-made friends although being painfully shy did not make the transition any easier. My saving grace was that the girl I had grown up with who lived across the street from me was a senior and had promised nothing bad would come to me. She was true to her word and I didn't get any crap from any upper class men. While I started to fit in again, I still missed the friends/boys from EH. I still kept in touch via phone with some and one day, without warning I had a guy I knew from EHHS pick me up after my Dad went to work and I didn't come home. I didn't call anyone either. I just disappeared. Let me say, as a parent, this must've been terrifying. While my father could be a total ass when he was drunk (he was a high functioning alcoholic), he made parenting an out of control 14/15 year old look absolutely simple. I cry even now thinking how awful I must've made him feel on so many occasions and I cannot even apologize to him because he's been dead for 2 years now. /sob/

So I ditched the guy who had picked me up and had him drop me off at a shady Peruvian's house I knew. I had a crush on this guy forever and a day and he toyed with me most of the time. By this time, I was not a virgin anymore. That had been taken care of on my father's living room couch one evening. This guy snuck me into his room past his Mom (who hated all the girls) and we were awoken sometime in the middle of the night by his Mom who had been awoken by the state police at her door looking for me. Needless to say, she was NOT pleased to find me in her son's room and I knew I wouldn't be staying there again. I parted ways with G early the next morning and I never contacted him again. I'm pretty sure he went to jail at some point for drug dealing.

I ended up staying at another guy's house (the same one I was truant with) for a day or two, a night in my mother's shed (she was on a trip), another friend's house in the neighboring town and then my aunt (my Dad's sister) graciously lent me her couch even though my parents & sister had told everyone not to help me out. I will forever hold a special place in my heart for my Auntie Betty. She died 3 and half years ago from cancer, but I have never met anyone like her. She genuinely thought with her heart. She forgave easy and did what she thought was right even if it wasn't the popular choice. I miss her as much as I miss my Dad and our family hasn't been the same since she died.

During this week or so, I spent most of it stoned. Mostly smoked hash and then spent time looking for something to eat. I find it pretty ridiculous that I had no money, but I could always find someone who would get me high for free. I also realized that I was in love with a guy (truant guy) who would never be able to love me the way I needed to be loved. He was absolutely amazing in bed - seriously - but the kind of love I was looking for would never be there. We fooled around lots of times even after this point and while I think I held a special place in his heart, even then I knew nothing would come of it. We've lost touch and reconnected over the years and currently we've lost touch. Last time I knew he was married and living out west. I won't lie, I think of him sometimes. I truly believe he was the first person I ever really loved.

I ended up meeting my Dad for coffee at a restaurant that no longer exists and deciding that I was ready to go home. I found that after this whole ordeal, my Dad stopped being "parental" for lack of a better word. I had a curfew, but I pretty much came and went as I wanted. The boundaries had been tested and it seemed that I had won. It probably was the fact that my Dad didn't want me to take off again although to tell the truth, I much preferred being home in my own bed with food & money at my disposal.

I wish I could say that at this point I started behaving in a self respectful way, but I didn't. I pretty much had sex with anyone. In cars, outside, at my house, at my best friend's house....didn't matter. I had boyfriends, but if I wasn't seeing anyone and someone caught my eye, I'd sleep with them. Didn't matter the age either. At 15 I slept with guys in their 20's. The fact that I could play the game and seduce someone was something I took pride in. /shudder/ I look back thinking that I had a whole lot of self loathing. I wanted something so badly (love) that I did what I thought would make it happen. It didn't happen. No one can love you until you love yourself. No one will respect you until you respect yourself. It was a hard and long lesson for me. At some point during my 16th year, something clicked in my head and I decided that I was worth more than getting laid. I was looking for and deserved more than that. It was around this point that I met my husband.

Now, old habits die hard. I actually was at a keg party with my cousin and my best friend (who were dating at the time). I was trashed - probably because I carried my own plastic beer mug attached to my jeans by a bandanna! I asked 2 guys to bring me home. Both had said they couldn't/wouldn't. I then saw my hubby and remembered him from high school (and the fact that he was friends with the same across the street neighbor who had my back). I asked him for a ride. He reluctantly agreed (he knew I was drunk). He brought me to my bf's house (where I was staying for the weekend). I tried to have sex with him, but he wasn't really interested. He stayed pretty late, but ended up leaving. During this same time I had a crush on another guy in town who totally wasn't interested in me. He had some skanky girl in a neighboring town that had a hold over him. O was the bad boy and hubby was the good boy.

My fate was decided (by my own choice) on 10/28/86 (a Tuesday). Hubby and I had a falling out (we were seeing each other which was a step down from dating - we weren't "exclusive"). He took another girl to a party and lied to me about it. He didn't realize that I might actually show up at the party and when I did, I was hurt and left with his best friend, T. The next day I had a date with T. The day after (Monday) I took a bottle of Bacardi light rum from my Dad's wet bar and went joy riding with O. It was the only time I've ever "blacked out" while drinking. I had sex with O, but I remember saying hubby's name during it - that basically ended that. We drove to the local 7-11 and who was there, but hubby. O said something about not being used to make someone else jealous and he turned around in the parking lot and took me home. When I walked through the door there was a note on the table from my Dad. Hubby had called and left a message. Of course, I knew he wasn't home so I didn't talk to him until the next day.

When we finally talked the next day, hubby apologized for lying to me and asked if I was interested in "going out" with him which means we would be "exclusive". This was the day that my life turned around and I was saved. I did a lot of growing over the next couple of years. Hubby was definitely God's way of saving me. I truly believe that God put him in my path so that I didn't end up dead. The worst thing that happened was that O's gf gave us all chlamydia. I think back to ALL the people I slept with and it is a true miracle that I didn't end up with something much worse that didn't go away with a long round of tetracycline.

While hubby and I have had our share of ups and downs and a bout of my old stupidity rearing its ugly head after J. was born (no sex involved, but I cheated), I cannot imagine being with anyone else. Hubby knows me like no other person does and the fact that he still loves me and finds me attractive gets me through those days that I don't believe in myself. He is true blue at his very core and I owe him my life. I know I wouldn't have my dreams of a good man and lots of kiddos without him. I know he was meant for me and was a gift - a saving one.

Good things abound!

Firstly, I am thankful for my GP's office. Not only did they get me in yesterday afternoon (and earlier than expected), they gave me the news that they just started taking my insurance! Can I get a big huge WOOOHOOOO?! Seriously, I praised God all the way home. That was an absolute answer to prayer. I also received 5 days of a strong antibiotic to knock out whatever is left in my chest and my sinuses. I am still pretty stuffy, but hopeful that I'll start feeling much better by this weekend. Now I'm crossing my fingers that the acidophlis that I bought will counter the strong antibiotics and I won't need a prescription of Diflucan in a couple of days! I also have a boatload of fat free plain yogurt on hand and plan on making myself some mean strawberry smoothies!

Secondly, my appliances are all in working order. Yes, the fan on my convection oven is put back into place and my fridge's freezer is working as it should now that the dust and hair that was clogging the compressor has been vacuumed away. I was also told that my "excessive" sweeping was likely the reason why it clogged to begin with. Who woulda thunk that cleaning had such terrible consequences? bwaahaahaa I'll keep that little item for those days that I really don't want to sweep or vacuum! I was also told by my favorite appliance repair man that having another washer would be ideal for us. He said that all of our appliances basically will last half as long as the average person's because of all the wear and tear they get from 8 people. This perhaps will get the hubster's butt in gear to go over and get the free front loader the neighbors are giving us. Two front loaders means double the laundry being done at once!!!

Thirdly, it is 9:40am and Em hasn't peed her pants. She did wet them just a tiny bit first thing this morning, but it was partially my fault since she was stuck at the table (I was trying to get those middle boys on track so that they didn't miss the bus). Yesterday also was a "good" day. No accidents on my watch.

Fourth, well, it is a brand new day and I'm still here. I have a sinus headache (still), but I'm happy and content which makes everything a bit better.

Emmalicious aka Peepee pants girl

I first want to apologize for being so whiny in my last blog. I sometimes wonder if I don't hate being on state insurance so badly that I imagine other people looking down on me. I was very frustrated, however, at how hard it is to find someone who will treat me. I ended up speaking with hubby and telling him that I will continue to see my GP even if I have to self pay. Most doctors give heavy discounts for self pay anyway. Hubby and I self pay our dental stuff as well so whatever.

On to the missy. She is driving me nucking futs. Seriously. She wakes up dry from all naps and nighttime. She poops on the potty 100% of the time. She has, however, taken to peeing her pants almost EVERY day - sometimes 2-3 times per day. I try not to get angry. I try to remember that she isn't even 3 yet and that she just turned 2.5 last month. I just get so frustrated because she waits too long to go. She will say "Peepee" and I will tell her ok, take your pants off and go (which she is fully capable of) and then she will play for another 20 minutes until she cannot possibly hold it in anymore and either pee in her pants or pee on the bathroom floor on the way to the pot. I've tried to make sure she gets to the bathroom on the first "peepee" signal or cry, but sometimes it's darn near impossible to break away from what I'm doing.

I think also that she is strong willed. When I say strong willed, I mean that she will not do what you tell her to unless she feels that if she doesn't do it some bodily harm may come to her. If I start counting, generally she is all about doing what she is told. She pushes EVERY boundary imaginable. Just now, I told her to stay away from the dog. What does she do after I tell her to stay away? Oh yes, you know it...she goes to the dog. She has been nipped more than once. She doesn't learn so we have to generally keep her away from both of the dogs unless we are right there making sure she isn't biting them, poking them, pulling their tails, etc. In the dogs' defense, they have been very, very patient with her. Guinness will let her lay, climb, get in her face, but they both lose their cool after having their tails pulled and being bit. I've now decided that she has to be by my side every waking moment of the day because if not, she is into something or doing something she shouldn't.

I think what this all boils down to is that I'm slowly going insane. I don't think this bus has any more stops either so I hope to meet someone I know in Looney Town. I'll be there soon unless of course Miss Peepee Pants keeps telling me that she loves me like she just did. Then I'll just be sitting here in a pile of melt.

Reduced to tears

Today did not start off too well. I awoke around 5:20am and I was having trouble breathing. I was whistling when I wasn't trying to. I almost gave in and went down to take a nebulizer treatment since we have pulmicort & albuteral on hand from when Daniel was really sick. I decided that today was the day I was going to find a new doctor that took my insurance.

So I ask hubby to take Bec for her dental appointment and I check the internet to see what doctors take our insurance. First you need to know that we qualify for & use HUSKY which is a state insurance program. We've NEVER had an issue with the pediatrician, my GP or the OB/Gyn on this insurance. We also do not use any other state help. We've never used WIC or food stamps or energy assistance. NOTHING. About 6 months or so ago, I received a notice that I had to change insurance companies (the state was removing our particular company from the list). So I changed to a new company. I looked to make sure our pediatrician was listed. He was. I looked to see if my OB/Gyn was listed. She was. I didn't check to make sure my GP was listed because well, I only go if I am sick or something. He is not. So now you can see my dilemma.

In December, after feeling ill for almost a month, I broke down and went to a local walk in clinic that was listed as accepting our insurance. When I got there, I found that they *can* accept it, but they don't. What?! How can you do that? Oh well, paid my $120 (up front I might add - they don't accept checks. Cash or CC only) just to find out that there was nothing wrong with me. GREAT. So I started taking Benedryl each night and finally I started to feel better. Then I started coughing. It's been going on since sometime shortly after Christmas. I take Benedryl every evening. I've been running the humidifier next to my bed. I've been blowing my nose and dealing with it the best I can. Last Friday I even drank margaritas because tequila is good for a cold (grin...it really is...really). As of this morning, I figured maybe I should see a doctor because I don't think I'm supposed to whistle while I breathe. So I started my quest....

I called an office in the town I grew up in. I ask "Are you accepting new patients?". The woman on the other end asks "What is your insurance?" So I tell her. She asks me what town I live in. I tell her. She says "Sorry, no we're not." The tears start to flow because once they ask what your insurance is, the tone automatically changes. Once they realize you are "some scumbag on state insurance" things change. So I mentally prep myself to make another call. This doctor's office actually shares the space with my pediatrician. I ask the question. The woman at the other end asks if this is "state insurance". I give her the answer. Another big fat no. More tears & anger & frustration. I wonder why no one takes new patients with state insurance. I mean, can't they list that online? So I call the insurance company. But of course you know I can only leave a message for "member services". No one will actually help me find someone who will take my insurance at this time.

So feeling even worse now, I call my GP's who I haven't seen in over 2 years (was pregnant with Em at the time & thought my headaches were sinus related...hah - who knew they were migraines until I had actual visual disturbances?) and leave a message for them to call with the answering service. I am sick. I feel that I probably need some antibiotics or at least for someone to listen to my chest. I now sit here waiting for someone to call. Anyone. I mean, it's not like I go to the doctor all the time. I see my ob/gyn yearly, but that's preventative stuff mostly.

Hubby thinks I should call my GP's office again. Maybe they'll be open now. Maybe someone will treat me, but frankly I'm tired of working so hard just so someone can listen to my chest. I'd rather just keep sucking it up and self treating. Perhaps I can find something that will help that doesn't involve seeing someone who really could care less about me anyway and you know honestly, if it gets too bad, I will just head to the ER because apparently that is the only level of care I deserve (and I'm guessing many others as well).

And yeah, I'm probably feeling sorry for myself right now, but it's my blog and I can cry if I want to.

Valentines dinner review & recipes

I will start this blog by saying that I was basically up and running from 6:30am until about 11pm and most of that time I was on my feet doing prep work and or cooking.  I did do a quick run to CM's house to pick up milk that she wanted us to take (they are in FL for the week and the milkman had left a gallon that would just go bad) and also a locally run grocery store to pick up a few last minute things I could find/wouldn't buy at Sam's.  I didn't even have time to check email or, gasp, facebook at all yesterday until after 10:30p when my guests were gone & the kitchen was clean.

Our final menu ended up being Beef Tenderloin with Garlic Horseradish Cream, roasted fresh asparagus, peas (lol) and a twice baked potato casserole with feta, cheddar & cream cheese. Hubby's sister also brought this delicious organic seed/nut bread (which was part of my breakfast this morning!)  For dessert we had a two layer Red Velvet cake with Creamy Vanilla frosting.  It would have been a three layer if I had another pan and if I didn't intend to make cupcakes for the kids!

First the beef.  Really easy recipe.  I did buy the whole tenderloin from Sams so I had to trim the meat when I got home.  I got maybe a 3 pound roast, two filet mignon steaks and a couple of pieces that I can use for stir fry or fajitas all for just over $50.  The recipe called for 1/2 c. of cracked black pepper, but after reading the reviews I cut it in half (good choice) and because I don't have beef granules on hand, I used chicken instead.  I put the rub on the meat and left it in the fridge on a rack with foil tenting over it (another good choice even though the recipe called for the rub to go on right before roasting.)  The sauce was super easy.  I roasted the garlic while I baked the cake (and it stayed in a oven a bit longer) and I reduced the cream right before I was about to put the meat into the oven and after mixing the sauce, I left it on the counter as many reviewers had said that it separated when chilled & reheated.   Here is the recipe for the meat & accompanying sauce:

Beef Tenderloin with Garlic Horseradish Cream

Sauce:

1 head garlic (1/4 pound; about 2 1/2 inches in diameter), left intact

1 teaspoon olive oil

3/4 teaspoon salt

2 cups heavy cream

1/4 cup drained bottled horseradish

1/8 teaspoon white pepper

For tenderloin:

1 (3-pound) center-cut beef tenderloin roast, tied

1/2 cup cracked black pepper

2 teaspoons granulated beef bouillon

2 teaspoons salt

3/4 teaspoon cornstarch

3/4 teaspoon dried oregano, crumbled

3/4 teaspoon garlic powder

3/4 teaspoon paprika (not hot)

1 tablespoon olive oil

Make sauce:

Put oven rack in middle position and preheat oven to 400°F.

Cut off and discard top fourth of garlic head. Drizzle exposed garlic with oil and sprinkle with 1/4 teaspoon salt, then wrap head tightly in foil. Roast garlic until tender, about 1 1/4 hours, then open foil and cool.

While garlic roasts, simmer cream in a 1 1/2- to 2-quart heavy saucepan, stirring occasionally, until reduced to about 3/4 cup, 20 to 25 minutes, then transfer to a bowl.

Squeeze garlic into a small bowl, discarding skins, and mash together with horseradish, pepper, and remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt using a fork.

Stir garlic mixture into cream, then chill until ready to use.

Roast tenderloin:

Increase oven temperature to 475°F.

Pat tenderloin dry. Stir together pepper, bouillon, salt, cornstarch, oregano, garlic powder, and paprika in a small bowl. Rub oil all over tenderloin, then sprinkle with spice mixture, rubbing it into meat. Put tenderloin on rack in roasting pan and roast 10 minutes, then reduce oven temperature to 425°F and cook until thermometer inserted diagonally into center of meat registers 130°F, 20 to 25 minutes for medium-rare. Let beef stand on rack in pan 10 minutes before serving.

Cut beef into 1/4-inch-thick slices and serve with garlic horseradish cream.

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The potatoes don't really have a recipe.  I just mashed some potatoes with feta, cheddar & cream cheese.  Added some fat free plain organic yogurt, salt, pepper, onion powder, granulated garlic.  I don't measure things that I'm comfortable with, but if I had to guess ratios, I would say maybe 10 russets, 1 cup of feta, 1.5 cups cheddar, 3/4 cup of cream cheese and 1.5 cups yogurt.  The seasonings were just to taste.  I put the potatoes into a pyrex pan, dotted the top with butter pats and baked it in the oven on the bottom rack while the meat was roasting above it.

Asparagus was divine.  I ended up buying 5lbs from Sams and it was ALL gone by the end of the meal.  I drizzled it with olive oil and sprinkled it with salt & pepper and roasted it while the meat was resting after coming out of the oven.  The peas were frozen...lol  I warmed them on the stove top with a bit of water. ;)

Ok...onto the cake.  First off, the cake itself was good.  It really is a standard butter cake that takes two ounces of red food dye mixed with 3 Tbsp. Hersey's cocoa powder.  Let's just say that I was thankful for wearing an apron and thankful that my counters are solid surface and don't absorb colors!  Hooray for Silestone!!  The frosting?  OH MY...  Let's just say that when I saw that it started with two full cups of butter I was a bit afraid.  I'm NOT into heavy, sweet frostings.  In fact my all time favorite frosting (before last night) was a whipped cream cheese frosting - Light & not too sweet.  This frosting along with this cake was to die for.  It was light and airy and not overly sweet.  The only issue is that if you keep it in the fridge for any amount of time (like over 15 minutes), it will become a solid.  All & all, a wonderful ending to an absolutely decadent meal.  In fact, my mother in law (who is always very kind to my cooking efforts) told me that it tasted like something that came from a bakery.  I have to laugh.  It actually is a recipe from the Magnolia Bakery in NYC (which is famous - at least Epicurious seems to think so).  I will add that I don't have cake flour.  According to my 1956 Woman's Home Companion cookbook, 7/8 cup of regular flour sifted will work for 1 c. cake flour and that is absolutely what I did.  I also don't buy buttermilk, but instead sour my own regular 1% milk with lemon juice.  So without further adieu - here is said recipe:

Red Velvet Cake

3 1/2 cups cake flour (not self-rising)

3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened

2 cups sugar

3 large eggs, at room temperature

6 tablespoons red food coloring

3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa

1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1 1/2 teaspoons salt

1 1/2 cups buttermilk

1 1/2 teaspoons cider vinegar

1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

1 recipe Creamy Vanilla Frosting

preparation

Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease and lightly flour three 9- by 2-inch round cake pans, then line the bottoms with waxed paper.

To make the cake: In a small bowl, sift the cake flour and set aside. In a large bowl, on the medium speed of an electric mixer, cream the butter and sugar until very light and fluffy, about 5 minutes. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. In a small bowl, whisk together the red food coloring, cocoa, and vanilla. Add to the batter and beat well.

In a measuring cup, stir the salt into the buttermilk. Add to the batter in three parts alternating with the flour. With each addition, beat until the ingredients are incorporated, but do not over beat. In a small bowl, stir together the cider vinegar and baking soda. Add to the batter and mix well. Using a rubber spatula, scrape down the batter in the bowl, making sure the ingredients are well blended and the batter is smooth.

Divide the batter among the prepared pans. Bake for 30-40 minutes, or until a cake tester inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean. Let the layers cool in the pans for 1 hour. Remove from the pans and cool completely on a wire rack.

When the cake has cooled, spread the frosting between the layers, then ice the top and sides of the cake with Creamy Vanilla Frosting .

Creamy Vanilla Frosting

6 tablespoons all-purpose flour

2 cups milk

2 cups (4 sticks) unsalted butter, softened

2 cups sugar

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

preparation

In a medium-size saucepan, whisk the flour into the milk until smooth. Place over medium heat and, stirring constantly, cook until the mixture becomes very thick and begins to bubble, 10-15 minutes. Cover with waxed paper placed directly on the surface and cool to room temperature, about 30 minutes.

In a large bowl, on the medium high speed of an electric mixer, beat the butter for 3 minutes, until smooth and creamy. Gradually add the sugar, beating continuously for 3 minutes until fluffy. Add the vanilla and beat well.

Add the cooled milk mixture, and continue to beat on the medium high speed for 5 minutes, until very smooth and noticeably whiter in color. Cover and refrigerate for 15 minutes (no less and no longer—set a timer!). Use immediately.

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So that was our yearly sit down and it was worth every minute of prep.  In fact, as I type this I am enjoying the leftovers (which was not much).  Even better the second day & the garlic horseradish cream is even nice on leftover potatoes!  :))))))))

I've decided on my dinner plans for Saturday

YIPPEE!

Background:  We have hubby's parents & grandmother over each year on Valentine's Day for a sit down dinner.  The kids make Valentine's for everyone and hubby & I buy flowers or plants for each woman.  This year I've invited his sister as well and J. has invited his girlfriend A too.

Of course, making this will hinge on whether I can find a whole beef tenderloin at Sams tomorrow morning.  I am getting there at 7am (opening for business members) and am meeting hubby's sister who wanted to come along.  I have to do a monthly shopping visit anyway.

So after numerous searches last night I settled on a Beef Tenderloin with a roasted garlic & horseradish cream sauce that I found on Epicurious.  We will also have some twice baked potatoes mixed with feta, cheddar, cream cheese, garlic & onion (I have some extra potatoes mixed up from our homemade pirogi last night).  Since A. is coming over to hang with J. I'll make a small bowl of peas (she hates all veggies except peas & corn...lol) and then I'll likely have a salad, green beans or maybe roasted asparagus.  

For dessert I've decided on a Red Velvet cake with a vanilla butter cream & a good chocolate ice cream on the side.  I've never even tasted Red Velvet cake - never mind made one.  Hope it works out (saw a video on Epicurious with the recipe).  According to the video I watched, I should have enough batter for a two layer cake & some cupcakes for the kiddos (figured they could decorate them themselves).

So yeah - I'm pretty excited.  The recipes sound simple enough so I hope I can master them.  I will follow up blog and let you know how it all works out.  Wish me luck!

Really weird

I found a guy I went to high school (and church with oddly enough) on Facebook last week.  I sent a friend request.  He accepted it.  And then today as I was browsing another high school friend we had in common, I noticed he wasn't on my friend list anymore.

I sent him a message asking if I had offended him in any way.  He answered me back "No worries.  you didn't offend me."  And that was that.

We're not friends, but no explaination.  Really very weird.