It is 3:30am. I should be sleeping. I woke up at 1:46am with a start realizing that my hubby had not called or texted me since about 8:30pm when they had stopped for gas. I'm sure he didn't want to wake me and I appreciate it, but I worry. I would like to think that no news is good news. Yeah, I'm going to go with that because short of calling the hotel, I have no other way of knowing. I texted him and have heard nothing back in two hours.
So I can't sleep. My hubby being gone is rare and it is unsettling to me. Now, don't get me wrong, I like weekends away with my girlfriends or other family members. I enjoy getting away from the daily grind of housework and taking care of little ones (and the not so little ones), but I don't sleep well there either. Sleeping next to my hubby is where I am meant to be.
I cannot tell you how many times I have woken up from a horrible, scary dream and had him to comfort me or how many times his rhythmic breathing helped get me back to sleep because something else had woken me.
I don't like to sleep alone at all which is why David is tucked into my bed nicely right now. He knew as soon as it was decided that Daddy was going away that he'd have his spot. If you must know, this is the same boy who climbs in our bed almost nightly without much thinking. Knowing from experience, they stop eventually. Jeremy and Becca both climbed into bed with us regularly and suffice to say, they don't anymore. I love having my littlest boy next to me most of the time.
So today was a weird day. I worked all morning trying to get clothing (ties, shirts, pants) ironed and ready as well as baking some magic bars for their long ride. I started changing Em's clothes out putting the last of her summer dresses and clothing away or into a bag for donating right before they left. I felt so out of sorts. Depressed, but tired too. It was like I was living in a fog all day. I had planned on taking the kids to BIL & SIL's house for a birthday party, but it was 4pm - I was supposed to be there at 4pm - and I was just heading out to Target (which is 25 minutes in the opposite direction). I spent WAY more than I intended at Target and then came home to a supper of Taquitos. I know...my one guilty processed food pleasure and the kids love them too. I realized halfway through supper that we were out of milk so I took a drive to the convenience store and picked some up along with some vanilla ice cream. I decided Becca and I would have root beer floats after the kids went to bed. So glad I tucked a 12 pack away without anyone noticing beforehand. Jeremy would have totally drank away at my stash if he knew.
Tomorrow will be another long day. There is church (yuck - will this feeling ever disappear?) and all of the kids will have to come along. Usually Chris keeps David & Em because David thinks church is "boring" and has no problem speaking those words loudly so the congregation can hear him and Em, well, she is just a handful and has a hard time sitting still for too long. After church is Family Day up at the Senior Housing Center/park in town. Most everything is free and they have face painting, bounce house/slides, games, etc. all geared for the kids. Thomas will be joining his friend's family for the day after church and I will take Daniel, David & Em with me. Becca has friends she wants to hang with for the day - probably across the street in front of the library, but that's ok. After that, we will head home for a quick supper and then the mad dash to get school stuff done. Lunches, showers, milk money for the week. Maybe tomorrow night I won't wake up and not be able to sleep, but even so, I know once hubby gets home, I'll sleep better.
Off to see if sleep will come...it's almost 4am now. Even the extra 2-3 hours I might get now will make tomorrow easier.... a girl can dream.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
It's been awhile
It's been a long while. I haven't had the energy or mind to blog lately. The summer seemed to sweep by taking me along for the ride. I spend too much time on this darn computer anyway most days.
Today I feel sad. Not really weepy although it may come to that (note to readers: it came while I typed). I know that AF will be making her appearance soon so I'm sure that has something to do with my melancholy way. Not only do I feel sad, but I feel tired and not the tired that will be cured by taking a nap or getting a better night's rest. My soul is tired.
The last week has been a whirlwind. Dance started in full force right after Labor Day. That along with school open houses and keeping a routine was killer. On Friday morning I woke up, got the kids on the bus, grabbed my coffee and headed to facebook as always and found out that my godfather had passed away. My sister had tried to call the night before, but I wasn't home and her number comes up "unavailable" on the caller id so Jeremy didn't pick it up.
I wasn't close with my godfather although he and his family were always regarded as close friends of our family. My parents were very close with them before I was born and until we moved to Tolland and my parents got divorced. On a couple occasions I remember visiting their home with my Dad, but for all intents & purposes, the relationship was not the same after our move. The last time I saw him was 2.5 years ago when my own father passed away.
I attended the wake with Chris - bless his soul. I was surprised that the whole family remembered me AND remembered that he was my godfather. That was the first thing his wife said to me when I introduced myself (let's face it - it's been about 30 years since I've seen her. I have changed a little bit.) After attending the wake, Chris dropped me off at a high school friend's house where we had a girls' night get together. I drank 5 or 6 cosmos, gossiped and ate yummy food. That was the highest part of my weekend, I think.
On Saturday I watched the (ex)babysitter for my kiddos get married, but felt so uncomfortable around the friends and family gathered there. My heart was not feeling the joy it should have been. I was happy for them, don't get me wrong, but in the very depths of my soul, there just wasn't the joy that should have been there. This feeling carried over to Sunday morning when I had to attend church. I did not want to go. I do not want to go anymore. I don't know why, but it isn't joyful to be there. I just want to run away and not live next door. I miss Peter more than anything. I wonder why I can't close that chapter. It's been a year since he died and we are searching for a new pastor. Nothing feels right.
After church, I came home to bake a nectarine & apple cobbler for the Oktoberfest going on across the street at the neighbors' house. This ended up being the other highlight of my weekend. I mean, who doesn't like to see grown men in lederhosen? Our German neighbors are probably the best thing that's happened since we moved here 4 years ago. I love them and they love us. They had good Bavarian beer, pretzels, sausage, potato salad and a variety of other yummy food.
While I was in the kitchen preparing & baking the cobbler, the phone rang. First Chris' cell and then the house phone. Once we found the house phone and realized that Ed & Trish called, Chris took his cell and called back. I have seen my husband cry only once in the almost 23 years we've been together. This was back in 1989 when he left me in CT to work & live on Cape Cod. We were married months later (moved up our wedding) because we hated to be away from each other. Now I've seen him cry twice. His very dear friend (and Jeremy's godfather) passed away suddenly on Saturday from a massive heart attack. The regret I saw in my husband's face & tears was so evident that my heart hurt. You see, we've both been lax about keeping in touch. Ed was like a 2nd Dad to Chris. He started doing yard work for them when he was 14yo. They have no children, but I know they felt as if Chris was the son they never had. Regret will eat you up if you let it yet I know how Chris is feeling. I know the anguish of losing someone who was part of the glue in your life. This is the first time Chris has lost someone like this. He has lost two grandparents, but somehow while that is an awful feeling, it doesn't hit home the way a parent or parent type figure does. During all this, Thomas' friend came to pick him up for a playdate and the mom shared with me that her mother in law is actively dying. They had seen her that morning and she had shared with them that she was "so scared". How does someone make peace with dying? It's coming for us all.
My heart aches. It aches for Chris. It aches for Jeremy who is mourning the loss of his godfather and his first love. It aches for Thomas' friend's family. It aches for myself. I'm tired of losing and watching other people lose loved ones. I don't want to be the adult although I know time marches on and I have no choice. I want to know the secret of how you make things stop hurting so badly and I don't want my own children to feel this. It is such a helpless situation, I'm afraid. The only thing I can do is go forward. I can't change the things that are unchangeable. I can't keep my family & friends in a bubble. For all the hurt and pain you deal with in life, I have to admit that there is joy & happiness in equal measure. You can't have one without the other. All I need right now is some peace. Peace in knowing that things will be brighter. That I can keep putting one foot in front of another and do what needs to be done. That I can be a good influence on my kids and the people around me because honestly, right now, I'm not feeling good at all. All I feel is empty.
Today I feel sad. Not really weepy although it may come to that (note to readers: it came while I typed). I know that AF will be making her appearance soon so I'm sure that has something to do with my melancholy way. Not only do I feel sad, but I feel tired and not the tired that will be cured by taking a nap or getting a better night's rest. My soul is tired.
The last week has been a whirlwind. Dance started in full force right after Labor Day. That along with school open houses and keeping a routine was killer. On Friday morning I woke up, got the kids on the bus, grabbed my coffee and headed to facebook as always and found out that my godfather had passed away. My sister had tried to call the night before, but I wasn't home and her number comes up "unavailable" on the caller id so Jeremy didn't pick it up.
I wasn't close with my godfather although he and his family were always regarded as close friends of our family. My parents were very close with them before I was born and until we moved to Tolland and my parents got divorced. On a couple occasions I remember visiting their home with my Dad, but for all intents & purposes, the relationship was not the same after our move. The last time I saw him was 2.5 years ago when my own father passed away.
I attended the wake with Chris - bless his soul. I was surprised that the whole family remembered me AND remembered that he was my godfather. That was the first thing his wife said to me when I introduced myself (let's face it - it's been about 30 years since I've seen her. I have changed a little bit.) After attending the wake, Chris dropped me off at a high school friend's house where we had a girls' night get together. I drank 5 or 6 cosmos, gossiped and ate yummy food. That was the highest part of my weekend, I think.
On Saturday I watched the (ex)babysitter for my kiddos get married, but felt so uncomfortable around the friends and family gathered there. My heart was not feeling the joy it should have been. I was happy for them, don't get me wrong, but in the very depths of my soul, there just wasn't the joy that should have been there. This feeling carried over to Sunday morning when I had to attend church. I did not want to go. I do not want to go anymore. I don't know why, but it isn't joyful to be there. I just want to run away and not live next door. I miss Peter more than anything. I wonder why I can't close that chapter. It's been a year since he died and we are searching for a new pastor. Nothing feels right.
After church, I came home to bake a nectarine & apple cobbler for the Oktoberfest going on across the street at the neighbors' house. This ended up being the other highlight of my weekend. I mean, who doesn't like to see grown men in lederhosen? Our German neighbors are probably the best thing that's happened since we moved here 4 years ago. I love them and they love us. They had good Bavarian beer, pretzels, sausage, potato salad and a variety of other yummy food.
While I was in the kitchen preparing & baking the cobbler, the phone rang. First Chris' cell and then the house phone. Once we found the house phone and realized that Ed & Trish called, Chris took his cell and called back. I have seen my husband cry only once in the almost 23 years we've been together. This was back in 1989 when he left me in CT to work & live on Cape Cod. We were married months later (moved up our wedding) because we hated to be away from each other. Now I've seen him cry twice. His very dear friend (and Jeremy's godfather) passed away suddenly on Saturday from a massive heart attack. The regret I saw in my husband's face & tears was so evident that my heart hurt. You see, we've both been lax about keeping in touch. Ed was like a 2nd Dad to Chris. He started doing yard work for them when he was 14yo. They have no children, but I know they felt as if Chris was the son they never had. Regret will eat you up if you let it yet I know how Chris is feeling. I know the anguish of losing someone who was part of the glue in your life. This is the first time Chris has lost someone like this. He has lost two grandparents, but somehow while that is an awful feeling, it doesn't hit home the way a parent or parent type figure does. During all this, Thomas' friend came to pick him up for a playdate and the mom shared with me that her mother in law is actively dying. They had seen her that morning and she had shared with them that she was "so scared". How does someone make peace with dying? It's coming for us all.
My heart aches. It aches for Chris. It aches for Jeremy who is mourning the loss of his godfather and his first love. It aches for Thomas' friend's family. It aches for myself. I'm tired of losing and watching other people lose loved ones. I don't want to be the adult although I know time marches on and I have no choice. I want to know the secret of how you make things stop hurting so badly and I don't want my own children to feel this. It is such a helpless situation, I'm afraid. The only thing I can do is go forward. I can't change the things that are unchangeable. I can't keep my family & friends in a bubble. For all the hurt and pain you deal with in life, I have to admit that there is joy & happiness in equal measure. You can't have one without the other. All I need right now is some peace. Peace in knowing that things will be brighter. That I can keep putting one foot in front of another and do what needs to be done. That I can be a good influence on my kids and the people around me because honestly, right now, I'm not feeling good at all. All I feel is empty.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Update to the Mama Claws & other exciting news (hahaha)
So I had a chance to talk to Jerm yesterday when he got home from work. He's been working every day (THANK GOD) and doesn't have time to sit and stew at home.
A. has not texted him since Sunday and he isn't texting her (or D. for that matter) either. In fact, he told me that unless she apologizes and is ready to talk (on the phone or in person) that he is done. I know he loves her and wants to work it out, but he has a definite idea on how he wants the relationship to proceed. Number one being that she doesn't confide in D. about how her relationship with Jerm is going! (D. was, up until this point, a mutual friend...it's never been a secret that he likes A. so why she confides in him is beyond me.) It made me feel good that Jerm has seemingly picked himself up, dusted himself off and is going to go on with life no matter what.
I also confessed that I contacted his best friend on FB. He was totally fine with it. I wanted to be honest with him and it opened up the door for me to talk more frankly about how his Dad and I feel about things on a whole. I told him that I think now that he has his license and a job to start hanging out with more people that he used to be friends with in our old town and that his life should not revolve around spending time with A. She does NOT make spending time with him a priority (which is fine - she's only 16), but I think he should treat her the same. It is glaringly obvious that he is at a different level in the relationship and that just won't work.
While talking to the hubby the other day, he and I agreed that the kids around this area are just weird. Seriously, Jerm has not made any "real" friends except for one or two and I don't mean to brag, but he's a really good kid - just quiet. Part of the reason stems from something pretty awful that happened last year at school that Jerm didn't distance himself from. He's learned his lesson, but kids have trouble forgiving even when what happened didn't affect them. Jerm spent time with the person this issue hurt the most and the kid accepted his apology and forgave him, but the other kids - not so much. Jr. year was rough for him. The only ray of light was A. and so I understand how he wants to hold on to that. It's hard learning the lesson of not holding on too tightly.
So anyway, things are going ok. He's living. He's making plans. I think he'll be ok.
Now me on the other hand? lol Yeah, I still think being a parent to a teenager is WAY harder than anything I've experienced as a Mom. Shutting my mouth is my biggest issue. I'm surprised my tongue hasn't fallen off since I bite it so often these days. God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I'm staying busy - trying to stay on the exercise train. I ran 5k yesterday and almost died. Heat and humidity do NOT make good running conditions - that's for sure. My new running shoes are in and I hope to pick them up tomorrow. Maybe I'll even hit the gym with my running buddy, Linda. :))))
Also am doing a major room switch in the coming weeks between the little boys and Bec. Bec finally consented to sharing a room with Em (once I promised the larger of the two bedrooms) and the boys were eager to switch and get their baby sister out of their room. lol Imagine that! After moving in 4 years ago and painting almost every room in the house, I'm ready to repaint! Bec's current room is lilac and the boys' room is blue with lots of pencil marks all over the walls - Thank you, David James. I promise pictures will be forthcoming. Before, during and after.
Basically, Bec will be ditching her full size bed for a twin loft bed (Ikea) so she can put her desk underneath and Em will be switching her very cute toddler bed for the twin frame that was her sister's in our old house. I will have to repaint the head & foot board white and then I will likely stencil a crown or put on some princess wall pops. I am hoping to work their closet into something that will hold both clothes AND toys and will repaint Rebecca's purple dresser to match the room. Right now, the focus will be just to get the walls done (pink w/brown stripes). I'm also toying with the idea of creating a chalkboard somewhere in the room with the special chalkboard paint (maybe in the boys' room too?).
The boys will keep their bunk beds and David will be getting an unfinished twin headboard/foot board from Ikea that I will probably paint dark blue. I'm not sure what solid color their room will be painted (they wanted blue, green AND yellow - all their favorite colors), but they each will get a couple of packages of Wall Pop dots in whatever colors they choose and they will be able to peel and re stick them as many times as they like in whatever shape they'd like. They also will likely be receiving a new dresser to augment the one they already have. Who knew 3 boys could have so many clothes????
If I ever find out whether Em got into pre-k, I will then start making plans to finally paint our bedroom. Our bedroom is the ONLY room in the whole house that never got painted. We have boring off white walls and a taping job gone wrong on our ceiling (which is the reason why we didn't paint to begin with - Hubby was going to fix the ceiling first!) I would like to make it a beachy/cottage retreat even though we are far from the beach. I envision something cool and soothing...any ideas are appreciated!!! After our bedroom, it will be time to get started on the kitchen. I never tiled the back splash after we did our remodel and I'd like to change paint colors on the first floor anyway. Yeah, I think Benjamin Moore & Boomas Paint will be benefiting from my painting itch. ;)
Off to get started!
A. has not texted him since Sunday and he isn't texting her (or D. for that matter) either. In fact, he told me that unless she apologizes and is ready to talk (on the phone or in person) that he is done. I know he loves her and wants to work it out, but he has a definite idea on how he wants the relationship to proceed. Number one being that she doesn't confide in D. about how her relationship with Jerm is going! (D. was, up until this point, a mutual friend...it's never been a secret that he likes A. so why she confides in him is beyond me.) It made me feel good that Jerm has seemingly picked himself up, dusted himself off and is going to go on with life no matter what.
I also confessed that I contacted his best friend on FB. He was totally fine with it. I wanted to be honest with him and it opened up the door for me to talk more frankly about how his Dad and I feel about things on a whole. I told him that I think now that he has his license and a job to start hanging out with more people that he used to be friends with in our old town and that his life should not revolve around spending time with A. She does NOT make spending time with him a priority (which is fine - she's only 16), but I think he should treat her the same. It is glaringly obvious that he is at a different level in the relationship and that just won't work.
While talking to the hubby the other day, he and I agreed that the kids around this area are just weird. Seriously, Jerm has not made any "real" friends except for one or two and I don't mean to brag, but he's a really good kid - just quiet. Part of the reason stems from something pretty awful that happened last year at school that Jerm didn't distance himself from. He's learned his lesson, but kids have trouble forgiving even when what happened didn't affect them. Jerm spent time with the person this issue hurt the most and the kid accepted his apology and forgave him, but the other kids - not so much. Jr. year was rough for him. The only ray of light was A. and so I understand how he wants to hold on to that. It's hard learning the lesson of not holding on too tightly.
So anyway, things are going ok. He's living. He's making plans. I think he'll be ok.
Now me on the other hand? lol Yeah, I still think being a parent to a teenager is WAY harder than anything I've experienced as a Mom. Shutting my mouth is my biggest issue. I'm surprised my tongue hasn't fallen off since I bite it so often these days. God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I'm staying busy - trying to stay on the exercise train. I ran 5k yesterday and almost died. Heat and humidity do NOT make good running conditions - that's for sure. My new running shoes are in and I hope to pick them up tomorrow. Maybe I'll even hit the gym with my running buddy, Linda. :))))
Also am doing a major room switch in the coming weeks between the little boys and Bec. Bec finally consented to sharing a room with Em (once I promised the larger of the two bedrooms) and the boys were eager to switch and get their baby sister out of their room. lol Imagine that! After moving in 4 years ago and painting almost every room in the house, I'm ready to repaint! Bec's current room is lilac and the boys' room is blue with lots of pencil marks all over the walls - Thank you, David James. I promise pictures will be forthcoming. Before, during and after.
Basically, Bec will be ditching her full size bed for a twin loft bed (Ikea) so she can put her desk underneath and Em will be switching her very cute toddler bed for the twin frame that was her sister's in our old house. I will have to repaint the head & foot board white and then I will likely stencil a crown or put on some princess wall pops. I am hoping to work their closet into something that will hold both clothes AND toys and will repaint Rebecca's purple dresser to match the room. Right now, the focus will be just to get the walls done (pink w/brown stripes). I'm also toying with the idea of creating a chalkboard somewhere in the room with the special chalkboard paint (maybe in the boys' room too?).
The boys will keep their bunk beds and David will be getting an unfinished twin headboard/foot board from Ikea that I will probably paint dark blue. I'm not sure what solid color their room will be painted (they wanted blue, green AND yellow - all their favorite colors), but they each will get a couple of packages of Wall Pop dots in whatever colors they choose and they will be able to peel and re stick them as many times as they like in whatever shape they'd like. They also will likely be receiving a new dresser to augment the one they already have. Who knew 3 boys could have so many clothes????
If I ever find out whether Em got into pre-k, I will then start making plans to finally paint our bedroom. Our bedroom is the ONLY room in the whole house that never got painted. We have boring off white walls and a taping job gone wrong on our ceiling (which is the reason why we didn't paint to begin with - Hubby was going to fix the ceiling first!) I would like to make it a beachy/cottage retreat even though we are far from the beach. I envision something cool and soothing...any ideas are appreciated!!! After our bedroom, it will be time to get started on the kitchen. I never tiled the back splash after we did our remodel and I'd like to change paint colors on the first floor anyway. Yeah, I think Benjamin Moore & Boomas Paint will be benefiting from my painting itch. ;)
Off to get started!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Yeah - this sucks.
I am angry. Mama claws are out - beware.
J's girlfriend is on vacation. J hadn't heard from her in a couple of days despite texting her. J asked a mutual guy friend if he had heard from her because he was worried. Turns out, he had. They were texting just fine. J's girlfriend then ripped him a new asshole because she is angry with him for who knows what (seriously, he said he asked her why she was being so bitchy to him the other night and that is why she didn't text him?) AND for asking D whether he had heard from her. She also took off her signature on her texts that said she loved J. My 17yo son cried the whole way home from his grandparents last night. When I realized he was crying, I asked him what was wrong and he handed me his cell phone to read all the texting back and forth. He told her he was just going to kill himself. OMG!
I am at a loss. My son is getting his heart broken and I feel so badly. Yet, the whole killing myself thing made me angry with him too. When we got home I hugged him while he sobbed on my shoulder. For those that know me, I am just over 5 feet tall. He is over 6 feet tall. Hard to hug without a chair or something to boost me up. Anyway, so there we stood at the back of the truck in the driveway at 9pm. I told him that everything would be ok, but texting was not a good way to communicate emotions. Nothing that was so important should be done in writing, but in person or at the very least over a phone. I also told him that NO ONE was worth taking your life for and to even think that was selfish to all the people who love and care about him. I even told him that God had a plan for him. I told him that if he ever did that to think about how awful his family and friends would feel and that only cowards do that. I think he knows it deep down. What I see is that he is trying to hold on to someone that doesn't want to be held on to. I've told him that he should start hanging out with his old friends from our old town. Re-acquaint himself with them. Making friends with people you used to know is much easier than making friends with new people. I went as far as sending a private message to his best friend on FB this morning. This is a boy we've known since they were in 3yo preschool together. He is my other son. I know he'll include him because I asked and because he is his best friend. I feel a bit badly for going behind my son's back, but not terribly.
I honestly do not know how I will be able to treat A. nicely should she and J. stay together. I've read her texts. She was so bitchy & downright MEAN. I keep telling myself that it is immaturity. That she just doesn't get it because she is so young. I hate the freakin' drama of it all. I try to think back to when Chris and I got together and I'm almost positive that there was drama like this, but I don't remember being so mean. I know I was stubborn as a bull (still am), but the mean stuff I just don't get (even though I am a "mean girl"). If you love someone, you want to treat them like you do, don't you?
So yeah, my heart is heavy this morning. I am not prepared for this stuff. I would take years of infanthood & childhood over this teenager almost grown up thing. This stuff stinks BIG TIME. :(
J's girlfriend is on vacation. J hadn't heard from her in a couple of days despite texting her. J asked a mutual guy friend if he had heard from her because he was worried. Turns out, he had. They were texting just fine. J's girlfriend then ripped him a new asshole because she is angry with him for who knows what (seriously, he said he asked her why she was being so bitchy to him the other night and that is why she didn't text him?) AND for asking D whether he had heard from her. She also took off her signature on her texts that said she loved J. My 17yo son cried the whole way home from his grandparents last night. When I realized he was crying, I asked him what was wrong and he handed me his cell phone to read all the texting back and forth. He told her he was just going to kill himself. OMG!
I am at a loss. My son is getting his heart broken and I feel so badly. Yet, the whole killing myself thing made me angry with him too. When we got home I hugged him while he sobbed on my shoulder. For those that know me, I am just over 5 feet tall. He is over 6 feet tall. Hard to hug without a chair or something to boost me up. Anyway, so there we stood at the back of the truck in the driveway at 9pm. I told him that everything would be ok, but texting was not a good way to communicate emotions. Nothing that was so important should be done in writing, but in person or at the very least over a phone. I also told him that NO ONE was worth taking your life for and to even think that was selfish to all the people who love and care about him. I even told him that God had a plan for him. I told him that if he ever did that to think about how awful his family and friends would feel and that only cowards do that. I think he knows it deep down. What I see is that he is trying to hold on to someone that doesn't want to be held on to. I've told him that he should start hanging out with his old friends from our old town. Re-acquaint himself with them. Making friends with people you used to know is much easier than making friends with new people. I went as far as sending a private message to his best friend on FB this morning. This is a boy we've known since they were in 3yo preschool together. He is my other son. I know he'll include him because I asked and because he is his best friend. I feel a bit badly for going behind my son's back, but not terribly.
I honestly do not know how I will be able to treat A. nicely should she and J. stay together. I've read her texts. She was so bitchy & downright MEAN. I keep telling myself that it is immaturity. That she just doesn't get it because she is so young. I hate the freakin' drama of it all. I try to think back to when Chris and I got together and I'm almost positive that there was drama like this, but I don't remember being so mean. I know I was stubborn as a bull (still am), but the mean stuff I just don't get (even though I am a "mean girl"). If you love someone, you want to treat them like you do, don't you?
So yeah, my heart is heavy this morning. I am not prepared for this stuff. I would take years of infanthood & childhood over this teenager almost grown up thing. This stuff stinks BIG TIME. :(
Monday, July 20, 2009
Old friends
I found an old friend yesterday on FB. He was my Spanish partner and I once went out on a date with him. I loved him in a best friend kind of way. We called each other Chiste or Chistoso. Joke or Joker. I've missed him and thought about him a lot over the last 20 years. He graduated in the class above me although he did come to my graduation. I remember he was drunk and I was angry with him. I think that is the very last time I talked to him face to face.
So I sent a friend request last night. I added the "personal message" of "CHISTE! OMG...I've missed you. Remember all the fun in Mrs. Newman's Spanish class?!" Today when I woke up I had a message in my inbox (along with a friend acceptance in my notifications). I wrote back to him asking him what's he's been doing all these years and where he's living...you know, the norm and explained about where I've been/what I've been doing. I then took a look at his page and realized his wife died of Lupus a short time ago. I knew he had a serious girlfriend from his sister, but I didn't know much else as it had been years since I had heard anything about him. I was just heartbroken for him. :(
So tonight I got a response to my message. He told me how he had met his wife in '91, got engaged in '92 and got married in 2000. He has two grown stepchildren. He's been through a lot in the last couple of years, but hearing from old friends like me makes him smile and he's not done too much of that lately. I feel awful. I just want to find him and hug him. It actually physically makes me sick that I know he's having such a hard time and misses his wife so much. It makes me sad that I lost touch with him because he is an awesome person. Soft spoken. Gentle. Funny. Kind. The kind of person you want to keep as a close friend.
I asked him if he wanted me to keep him in the loop of the high school get togethers. He lives about 40 minutes from the town we grew up in. He said he might want to come and to keep him in the loop. I hope I can get to see him soon. Just to give him a hug and remind him how special he is to me. I also want to tell him how blessed I feel that he still thinks of me as a friend.
Part of me worries that Chris will not like this at all and I hope I can make him understand that there isn't anything that I would do to jeopardize my marriage. That I love him, but I also have the capacity to love others in different ways. He knows that I sent a message/friend request and he knows that John accepted it last night. I never keep anything from him so I don't understand the worry/jealousy stuff. In fact, I would love it for Chris and John to be friends. To really get to know each other because I think they have a ton in common. Keeping my fingers crossed that this indeed will happen...I cannot believe I would get led back to such a special person just to lose touch again. Right?!
So I sent a friend request last night. I added the "personal message" of "CHISTE! OMG...I've missed you. Remember all the fun in Mrs. Newman's Spanish class?!" Today when I woke up I had a message in my inbox (along with a friend acceptance in my notifications). I wrote back to him asking him what's he's been doing all these years and where he's living...you know, the norm and explained about where I've been/what I've been doing. I then took a look at his page and realized his wife died of Lupus a short time ago. I knew he had a serious girlfriend from his sister, but I didn't know much else as it had been years since I had heard anything about him. I was just heartbroken for him. :(
So tonight I got a response to my message. He told me how he had met his wife in '91, got engaged in '92 and got married in 2000. He has two grown stepchildren. He's been through a lot in the last couple of years, but hearing from old friends like me makes him smile and he's not done too much of that lately. I feel awful. I just want to find him and hug him. It actually physically makes me sick that I know he's having such a hard time and misses his wife so much. It makes me sad that I lost touch with him because he is an awesome person. Soft spoken. Gentle. Funny. Kind. The kind of person you want to keep as a close friend.
I asked him if he wanted me to keep him in the loop of the high school get togethers. He lives about 40 minutes from the town we grew up in. He said he might want to come and to keep him in the loop. I hope I can get to see him soon. Just to give him a hug and remind him how special he is to me. I also want to tell him how blessed I feel that he still thinks of me as a friend.
Part of me worries that Chris will not like this at all and I hope I can make him understand that there isn't anything that I would do to jeopardize my marriage. That I love him, but I also have the capacity to love others in different ways. He knows that I sent a message/friend request and he knows that John accepted it last night. I never keep anything from him so I don't understand the worry/jealousy stuff. In fact, I would love it for Chris and John to be friends. To really get to know each other because I think they have a ton in common. Keeping my fingers crossed that this indeed will happen...I cannot believe I would get led back to such a special person just to lose touch again. Right?!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Had to share!
So most of you probably know that I am thinking seriously about registering to run a 5k. I likely will do the Turkey Day run in Manchester, CT. Yes, it is Thanksgiving day and I may ask my MIL if we can join her for dinner for once because I'm not sure I could do the run AND make sure we have dinner on the table. I will be sad to miss the Macy's parade too....
So I have been exercising for about 3.5 months with the last month or so more focused on running. I love to run. I hate getting there though. My lungs and heart are like old rusty tools...they groan to life each day, but I push on. Generally my workout goes something like this:
Pull the treadmill into position (it stays folded so the kiddos don't play on it). Plug it in. Set the incline to 10 (highest setting) and start at 3mph. Every two minutes, bring the incline down one setting (10 to 9.5, 9.5 to 9, etc.). While I bring the incline down, I set the speed higher. By the time I hit 32 minutes, I am down on the lowest setting and usually somewhere between 4.5mph & 5mph.
Today was a good day. I started more around 3.4-3.5mph and sped up as I descended. By the end I was at 5.1mph. At 34 minutes, I slowed down to 4mph and then ended up at a comfortable 4.5 for most of the last mile. Today I ended up with 43:33 for a time. That is about 3 minutes faster than my last 5k run last week. My run averaged out to be about 4.3mph. I am STOKED!
My long term goal is to maybe do a 5k in 30-35 minutes. That is a lofty goal from where I sit right now, but it doesn't seem totally out of my reach anymore. Each day gets better and better...Who would of thought that I would enjoy this? It still a struggle sometimes to fit time in for my exercise and some days, I let it slide. My weight hasn't changed a bit, but most people have told me I look better. Today I looked in the mirror and maybe saw a little glimpse of the body I used to have, but getting there will be even sweeter because it won't be done with cigarettes. Just hard work and taking care of myself.
I think I can...I think I can...
So I have been exercising for about 3.5 months with the last month or so more focused on running. I love to run. I hate getting there though. My lungs and heart are like old rusty tools...they groan to life each day, but I push on. Generally my workout goes something like this:
Pull the treadmill into position (it stays folded so the kiddos don't play on it). Plug it in. Set the incline to 10 (highest setting) and start at 3mph. Every two minutes, bring the incline down one setting (10 to 9.5, 9.5 to 9, etc.). While I bring the incline down, I set the speed higher. By the time I hit 32 minutes, I am down on the lowest setting and usually somewhere between 4.5mph & 5mph.
Today was a good day. I started more around 3.4-3.5mph and sped up as I descended. By the end I was at 5.1mph. At 34 minutes, I slowed down to 4mph and then ended up at a comfortable 4.5 for most of the last mile. Today I ended up with 43:33 for a time. That is about 3 minutes faster than my last 5k run last week. My run averaged out to be about 4.3mph. I am STOKED!
My long term goal is to maybe do a 5k in 30-35 minutes. That is a lofty goal from where I sit right now, but it doesn't seem totally out of my reach anymore. Each day gets better and better...Who would of thought that I would enjoy this? It still a struggle sometimes to fit time in for my exercise and some days, I let it slide. My weight hasn't changed a bit, but most people have told me I look better. Today I looked in the mirror and maybe saw a little glimpse of the body I used to have, but getting there will be even sweeter because it won't be done with cigarettes. Just hard work and taking care of myself.
I think I can...I think I can...
Friday, July 3, 2009
Emma Lou Who is turning 3!
Emma Elisabeth (couple of days old)
Can you believe it? My littlest girl is turning 3. Where does the time go?
These days everything is a struggle with her. She ignores direct orders, she whines, she screams and she acts like she is the ruler of the house all while opening up every single toy and leaving them strewn in all 1800+ square feet of our home.
Of course, she also thinks snuggling should be done often, she gives loads of kisses & hugs, tells us she loves us 1000x a day (doesn't matter that she adds "smell my butt" on the end of it either) and is totally cute with her infectious laugh. She is smart and loves to sing. I mean, she sings 80% of the day. Doesn't matter what. Sometimes she just makes up the songs. I love hearing her sing her ABC's. Or hearing her sing with the Casting Crowns CD in the truck when we're alone.
Emma Elisabeth 1st birthday 7-6-07
I am trying to remember that these days are short. The days where your children think you hung the moon & stars. I try to remember that I will blink my eyes and she will be heading off to her first day of school and then I'll blink again and she'll be off to college. I try very hard to remember not to wish one minute of any day away because I'll be that mom who will miss the chaos and noise. While I dream of quiet some times, I wouldn't want my home any other way. I rather like the chaos, noise, laughter & love that fills my home and I rather like the almost 3yo version of it.
Emma Elisabeth 2nd birthday 7-6-08
I wonder what the next year will hold for us and this little spitfire - our last child. I'm gonna hold on tight because no matter what, it will be quite a ride!
Love you EEK - you're definitely a keeper :)))))
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