Thursday morning

It's been a long week and it's not over. My mother came to me this week a day early and may leave a day late because of weather. Needless to say, I'm tired.

Sunday was a good day. Mom was at my brother's and I attended my wine club. 5-6 hours and 4-5 bottles of red wine later, hubby drove our sorry butts home. It felt good to connect with these women. They have been such a blessing in my life and have been some of my best cheerleaders the last couple of weeks. How thankful I am that they are in my life.

Monday was a weird day. No school because it was Martin Luther King, Jr. day and I was feeling a bit dizzy most of the day. Had some icy weather coming so my brother and I decided to do the exchange that day. I felt like I didn't have time to really prepare, but such is life.

For those who are wondering, the care for my mom is constant. I help with toileting (and toileting fails), showering, dressing, med dispersion. Last night I had a crash course in trimming toenails that are thick and yellow with age and haven't been cared for in I don't know how long. They looked terribly painful, but with a pan of warm, soapy water and some clippers and a pumice we got through it ok. My mother is also an emotionally needy person. She needs hugs & reassurances all the time. While I am very affectionate with my own children and husband, I do not feel particularly affectionate towards my mom most of the time. That is not to say that I am mean, but I probably seem distant to her. I keep busy with my daily chores of laundry, housekeeping and cooking - all the while mourning my temporary loss of freedom and ability to volunteer at school, shop alone, etc. I fall into bed each evening and pretty much pass out from exhaustion and maybe even a bit of depression.

Emotionally, physically, spiritually - this has been a drain. I couldn't imagine doing it without my children. They have ALL been wonderful. The other night I was just in a sour mood and needed some alone time. The eldest and his girl took care of Mom while I decompressed. And when I say decompress, I mean I sat and literally vegged in front of computer card game for like an hour. The little ones play with her and engage her in conversation. Number 4 even adds her into his rounds of jokes by calling her by her first name (I know - it sounds very disrespectful, but it really isn't - it makes her laugh). I have to say even number 3 who has been in trouble so much lately for not being responsible has stepped up to the plate getting himself up in the mornings, behaving really wonderfully. I'm so impressed with ALL of them. Although, I wonder sometimes if it is the emotional baggage I have that makes it so much harder for me? Something to ponder when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep.

I also experienced anxiety attacks for the first time this weekend and my lovely mouth broke out in another round of cold sores. I guess caring for my mother along with the other daily stresses that I experience has sent me over the edge. I'm still debating whether to seek medical advice. I don't think at this point that I would be able to take any meds. I also don't want to even KNOW what my blood pressure is hovering at. I haven't exercised since before Christmas except for shoveling (which is just an excuse to get my sorry ass out of the house and doing something - thank you very much).

I don't want to sound like I am whining. I probably do and for that I apologize. I have no one to really vent to except my sister and brother and really? My sister took care of my father (he had dementia too) and my brother takes my mother on the weekends. They both know the stresses and didn't/don't complain - at least to me. I just miss my few hours of quiet when number 6 is at school with the rest of them and my ability to come and go as I please. I miss going into school once a week to volunteer in a preschool or first grade classroom. I miss feeling like a wife, because trust me, there isn't any part of me who feels sexy or even remotely attractive these days.

Thankfully, I still get to go to church each week without worry. I still make the snack each week for Thursday's Bible based clubs for the youth at church. I still am able to talk to my bestie and text with whomever is around. I still cook, do laundry (and yes, still one of my quiet places...probably why I have not been behind since Mom moved in) and bake breads, cookies, cakes, etc. I guess what I am saying that I've given up a lot, but I am thankful for the things I still am able to do.

I don't think caring for my mom will get any easier and I know when we square away the legal stuff it will be even harder to leave my mother in a place that isn't one of our homes. I will feel amazing guilt over it, but I will feel relief too, which will in turn make the guilt even heavier. I am hoping perhaps that the guilty feeling will be better than the feelings I am experiencing now.