It comes down to not having control, I think.

I've been a bit silent the last few weeks since number one's 18th birthday. During this time I've been having a hard time digesting some stuff about number one, found out that a high school classmate of mine was one of the 7 CIA officials killed by a suicide bomber in Afghanistan and learned about some other troubling "extended family" news.

I've wanted to blog about everything, but my thoughts are so jumbled. As far as number one goes, there are days I want to throttle that boy and send him away from this house to go live on his own (that would teach him how good he has it here, right?). Right now, that is where my head is. I know that he is going through an issue that basically will decide whether he has a future in the USMC and it is weighing heavily on him. I've told him that he shouldn't worry about something until it happens, but also that he should start formulating a back up plan should the USMC become a non-issue. Most of you know that I would be beyond happy that Uncle Sam would not "own" my boy for the next 8 years, however, I know this will break his heart. Tough stuff for a Mom - neither thing will make me happy. Anyway, I am trying to choose my battles lately, but truth be told, I just don't have the energy to fight with him. He is Mr. Button Pusher in the flesh and my heart & brain are not in a good enough place to go head to head with him. So I seethe because I can't find a way to say what needs to be said without starting a war. Good times for us both, I guess. He also shared with us that he has picked up smoking. His Dad and I are just beyond sad and angry with him. So stupid on SO many levels. I'll just leave it at that....

Sad. That pretty much describes my week after learning about S.R.'s death in Afghanistan from another HS friend. The news flashes his picture over and over and over again and every time it takes my breath away and makes me so incredibly sad especially since he had made clear that he was ready to settle down and was anticipating the birth of his first child, a daughter. I didn't hang out with S. in high school. I didn't party with S. We ran in absolutely different circles, but our town was so small and most of us had gone to school with each other since Kindy that you "knew" everyone. I saw S. at my 20th reunion a year ago this past October. I have been straining my head wondering if I even said anything to him (I had been working the front table for awhile). Honestly, I probably had a bit of "high school-itis" which kept me from speaking to some people. I'm ok in little groups, but my worries about being "normal" in large groups still take over sometimes. Being Feeling like an outsider still rears its ugly head despite my best efforts to keep it at bay. Anyway, I did take some pictures of him talking as I was the "camera" girl all night. I wish I could go back and do that evening all over again. I would have talked to him and asked about his life since THS and likely would have met his wife too. Unfortunately, now I can only send on my two sympathy cards and hold on to my regrets.

The family issue isn't one I can speak about freely so I won't on this blog. I pray everyday that everything will be made right as easily as possible though.

My head and heart are so heavy these days. So much to think about. So little that I can control....

How Can This Be?

So in 3 short hours I will be the mother to an "adult" child. How did this happen?

I mean, he's still a senior in high school and for all intents and purposes, nothing has really changed, but in the legal sense, he is his own person. He has to go register with selective service, register to vote and still plans on seeing the Marine recruiter sometime after the new year.

Part of me couldn't wait for this day especially the last couple of years. His teen years have been a real struggle for me. If you know me well, I've likely told you that young children are easy to parent. I've NEVER questioned my parenting until number 1 became a teenager. We've had so many issues and stumbling blocks - from the academics taking a nosedive starting in 8th grade to the lure of alcohol & drugs. Through all of this, glimpses of this amazing person would show through and I would grab hold of that and not let go. It kept me going on those days that I really felt like shooing him out the door and telling him not to come back because it just seemed like it would never get better.

Hubby says that number one and I are two peas in a pod. We are both extremely stubborn and tenacious. I like to call it the WJC streak because that is so like my Dad. In some things, this stubbornness allows us to get things done, in others it makes us totally unapproachable & hard to reach. It's a real pain for anyone who lives in our house when we are going head to head, I'm sure.

Number one was an easy baby, an easy child and an easy tween - kind, good grades, honest, athletic - he was an all around good kid. For a few years he was moody and sullen or happy and easy going - you just never knew which. For the most part, he is back to being easy, but I've also laid off on most parenting issues. I figure, whatever "taught" was either learned or not, but I didn't have any more "control". He would do what it was he was going to do. As parents we have pretty much given free reign with the knowledge that if he lied or otherwise abused our trust, that would be it. He hasn't done anything to upset the apple cart to our knowledge. In fact, I've seen him turn towards his family more and more in the last year. He values each and every one of them - from us (his parents) to each of his aunts, uncles & cousins.

I could tell you a million great things about my first born son, but I don't think that any of them would ever explain my absolute love and admiration for him. He has been my "go to" kid for just about everything for such a long time. I'm afraid to let him go because I'm selfish and wonder how I will manage without him. While I don't want to let him go, I also can't wait to see where he goes. He's smarter than he thinks and has such potential. I keep telling him that he can do ANYTHING and that this is the most exciting part of life and not to wish it away.

I hope tomorrow brings only good things for my first baby. I hope the coming year his blessings overflow, but what parent doesn't?

Stay tuned...I know I will.

My cookie & candy list for Christmas

Just thought I would share...be happy to send any recipes for anyone who is interested!

Cookies:
Anise biscotti
Chocolate almond biscotti
Christmas cutouts cookies
Ginger almond refrigerator cookies
Lemon cheese pressed cookies
Jam Thumbprints (apricot & strawberry)
Orange drop cookies w/orange butter icing (taken from a friend's recipe swap blog)
Dark chocolate espresso shortbread (also taken from blog)
Stuffed Red Velvet cookies (recipe from friend)
Gingerbread house, cottage & other various gingerbread cutouts (lots of candy to decorate these)
Pizzelles (anise flavored)

I have the biscotti & most of the cutouts done. Today I am going to work on the pressed cookies and get the dough ready for the ginger almond cookies. If I have time, I will also do the shortbread. I have to find some bigger bottles of red food coloring before I can make the red velvet cookies, but that's ok. I forgot LOL American cheese and that's a no no here so I will have to hit the grocery store soon.
The pizzelles will be done very close to Christmas as they are not easy to store.


Candies:
Peanut butter balls
Peppermint patties
truffles (maybe oreo - def. liqueur flavored - Frangelico (hazelnut), Bailey's Irish Cream & maybe Amaretto if I can get to the package store.)

I will have to get my fondant done soon. It needs a couple of days to "ripen" after making it. The PB balls and especially the truffles are easy peasy and will likely be done next week.

For the most part, I've cut down on the sheer amount of cookies I make and the amount of candies as well. It got so overwhelming for a few years and stopped being fun.

Also this year, because money is very tight, I am opting out of buying the teachers gifts. I have a "In a Jar" cookbook that I will use to make some cookie, muffin or scone mixes and one of the teacher's has asked that we give to a local food bank instead. I did pick up two "kid friendly" cookbooks at Job Lot for a dollar for the pre-K and K classrooms though. I know the teachers understand, but I feel so badly not being able to do much.

Well, no more sitting here - there's baking to be done! TTFN!

Oh my word

I am sitting here with so many things to do, sipping my almost cold coffee and trying to figure out what to do first (and find the motivation to do it.) Well, first I need to exercise, but I mean after that. I think this is called "lollygagging".

I have decided to cut down on the sheer amount of baking I do for the holidays. I usually find so many cookie recipes and I want to make them all so I try and yeah - I get burnt out and crazy - over baking. Silly woman. This year I have 6-8 cookie recipes that I will make and for candy I plan on doing almond joys and peppermint patties. Of course, I will still need to make the gingerbread for our house too. I'm thinking that might be a good project this weekend. Poor number 6....unless I find another "glue" to hold the candy on the house, she won't be helping. Why does royal icing have to be made with egg whites anyway?

So here I sit neither exercising nor getting baking done which really stinks because the time seems to move so much faster after 9am. Ugh. I swear I just looked at the time and it read 8:48am. It is now 9:21am. See?! There is a time conspiracy after 9am! I'm sure of it now.

Well - I better be off to find my motivation...won't get anything done without it!

12-07-09

After a busy weekend, I am reflecting on my father's passing 3 years ago today. While there is sorrow still in my heart, slowly it is replaced by fond memories that make me smile and if I was truthful sometimes some not so fond memories which still bring tears to my eyes. In my personal belief system, God will allow me to know all the answers to those still nagging feelings/thoughts at some point. Maybe not this lifetime, but sometime. I take comfort in that.

My Dad was a complicated man. There was the man who drank and was a total butthole and then there was the father who doted on me and who I knew loved me unconditionally. I am positive he had demons of his own - some known to others and some not. I know he loved his kids and despite some of the craziness of growing up with an alcoholic, we loved him too. Sometimes I think me most of all. I think my Mom loved my Dad too and I think that if my Dad wasn't so controlling & abusive to her when he drank, things might have ended differently for them.

I lived with my Dad until I married Chris and moved out - well except for the 2.5 years I chose to live with my mother & stepfather. He was my confidante. I could talk to him about anything and usually did. Other people thought he was a wonderful guy - handsome, kind, compassionate, smart. He was all those things except when the drink took it away. My Dad was an enigma, but I think many people are. You cannot pigeonhole people because there are so many facets to them and often times, what you see on the outside is just a small part of what is on the inside. Anyway, he was what he was. He was good and bad and despite the bad, I still miss him and will always love him.

Happy Monday night in November

Ok. So I usually try not to stand on a soapbox and tell the world what they should be doing, but I cannot bite my tongue on this.

I've started to look at labels again. Generally I do look at labels, but once I deem something is suitable to purchase, I don't look at them anymore. This is where my mistake came to light. We buy apple juice. 100% no sugar added. From concentrate mostly because hey, let's face it-we have 5 out of 6 children who like apple juice and generally it's cheaper. We don't drink more than a small cup full each day, but you can see with just 5 it's bound to be a high demand item.

So I start noticing the "country of origin" which is now required to be printed on all juices (and on many of our food items). I'm not really picky, however truth be told, I'd prefer to purchase things produced in my own country or the neighboring country to the north of us. I about DIED when I saw China. Really? We need to get our apple concentrate from CHINA? WHY? Well, I figure there are two reasons and neither are making me feel any better. One reason - because it is cheaper. Cheaper does not equal better when it comes to many things. Apple concentrate is one of them. Second reason - we don't have enough concentrate in our own country to meet the demand. Still not diggin' it. So just cut production. If we don't have it, we don't have it. China? Really?

This is the same country who repeatedly sends toys to us with lead in their paint. Plastic crap toys that break because they are so cheap. Really? We want to get our FOOD products from there? Color me xenophobic I guess - I don't want their crap here. I don't want their food or their toys or any of their cheap crap in my house anymore. I've decided that even if I have to pay $15 for something that is made here (ie, a locally made coffee cup from a potter instead of a $5 coffee mug made in China) then I will just have fewer items. LESS is more in this case. My family isn't worth hurting over a few pennies, or a few dollars, or a few hundred dollars or even a few thousand dollars.

On a totally unrelated note, I've been noticing the traffic feed on my blog. Interesting to see where people come from to read my dribble and the fact that I have hits from other countries (other than the ones to the north and east of me). More interesting is the fact that at least one person who hits every week or so is someone I don't speak to anymore. I don't get the fascination on what is happening in my life...It boggles my brain really. I haven't changed any. I'm still me and I'm still not a fan of using people, but I'm not about to take this private again just for that one person. I guess this little blurb is just to let that person know that they are not going unnoticed...I know you're here, but I wonder why.

Other than those two things, I have nothing else...hard to believe, isn't it?

Where did that come from?

Just a minute ago I received a totally unexpected comment on FB. It was from a guy I knew in high school. He graduated a year ahead of me. We had one English class together and he was what you would call an "outsider". He had plenty of friends, but I wouldn't have called him "mainstream". I enjoyed getting to know him during our class time, but we never hung out or anything. With the magic of FB, I was happy to find & friend him. My favorite memories of him were during Halloween when he would dress up as Gumby (he was like 6 feet tall and didn't have a small frame) and during our English class when we produced a short film (a horror flick where our teacher killed us all with Barry Manilow music...hahaha). Just random memories that make me smile.

Anyway, he told me that I was smart, observant and thoughtful. I was embarrassed at first because I don't like compliments (ok, so I am still a bit embarrassed). I am ever mindful of never wanting to sound like I am "all that" because I see so many things I would love to change about myself. I then started to think about it...while I certainly feel uncomfortable with the compliments, I am also happy that people think that about me. I am happy that is what I am showing through my interactions on FB and frankly, in life. I had a cousin tell me just a few months ago that I reminded her of her Mom. That particular comment brought me to tears and still does just thinking of it. My aunt was the most loving, empathetic and compassionate person I knew. To be even compared to her was mind blowing, but it also made me want to be better. To forgive even easier. To show others love more. To heal others' hurts.

I don't think my uncomfortableness of receiving compliments will ever stop, but I hope they continue to make me strive to be a better person.