19 or 22 years

Today is my 19th wedding anniversary, however, it is also marks the 22nd year I've been with my hubby. 22 years is far more than 1/2 my life and by the time I was Jerm's age, I was with Chris. I can say with total honesty that I knew Chris was my soul mate by the time we were together for 4 months or so. It just felt right and we both felt it & talked about it frequently.

Things haven't always been easy or fun or wildly romantic. In fact, there are times that the only thing that has kept me here is the fact that I said a vow which I take very seriously and the fact that we have 6 kids. Of course, there is also the fact that while things aren't perfect, my hubby is comfortable. He knows me and I know him. I cannot for the life of me imagine being with any one else. I don't think I could open myself up to someone else in the way I have opened myself up to Chris in the last 22 years.

I think part of this comes from the fact that I was 16 year old when we first started dating. I was definitely more optimistic and starry eyed when it came to what life was going to hold for me. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine what it would really be like. And I don't mean it has been all bad. Many, many parts are even better than what I imagined. I just think that there is an innocence in being 16. You share more - you hold less back - your little girl dreams of marriage are still very much intact.

In all reality, Chris and I have grown up together. He knows me better than anyone else. I think this is the way it is supposed to be, but not having any good source to look to for marriage, I'm just guessing. You see, my parents were divorced by their 26th year of marriage. My siblings all have been divorced numerous times (in fact, my sister looks to be on her way to her 2nd divorce as I type). My mother's parents were divorced and although my father's parents were still together, we weren't close to them and there was plenty of dysfunction present there as well.

Chris' parents are still together - in fact, they will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in just 2 short years. While I think that is the coolest thing ever, I still don't look at their relationship as something I want to emulate. They are different from us and Chris and I are far more affectionate towards each other. It is almost as if they are married because that is what you do although I know they love each other...not sure if that makes sense or not. I guess I want more than what it looks like they have.

I'm proud to be married for 19 years. I think it's a pretty neat accomplishment and I hope that it sets a good example for my kiddos. They see that it isn't always easy, - they have friends whose parents are divorced or divorcing - but they see us hanging in there despite all the ups & downs. We might not have all the things other people have and we might not be able to take cool trips here and there, but we love each other and are committed to each other. I think that speaks volumes above anything else - at least I hope it does.

So happy anniversary to hubby and me...19 years ago today I was at my sister's house in Ellington having my pictures taken in my beautiful white gown and simple veil getting ready to say "I do." to the guy who was meant for me.

ETA - For those of you who are interested...19th wedding anniversaries gifts are supposed to be gifts of bronze (well, according the the "modern" train of thought). Me...I bought hubby a box of SHAMWOW at CVS. You know you're jealous.... ;)

I love where I live

Today as Em and I were driving to the grocery store, I was reminded why I love living where I do. As I took a right out of my road and drove maybe a quarter of a mile westward, I came across a young deer standing in a cow pasture with a mess of geese. As I drove past, two large dump trucks towing large equipment behind them came lumbering up the other side of the road. The young deer picked its head & ears up, but went about its search for sustenance.

I drove down the road a bit and turned around at the next road to go back and get pictures. The deer never flinched or looked concerned. I then turned back around and took more pictures including one which shows more geese coming in for a landing. If I thought it out better, I would have remembered to snap a picture of the amazing beaver hut on the other side of the street. It's been in the swampy area since we moved in over 3 years ago and it seems like it gets bigger each year. Even more amazing - the deer was still in the pasture when Em and I returned from our shopping trip 45 minutes later.

I like, no LOVE, living in our rural area. Sometimes I get stuck on the fact that everything is a 20 or 30 minute drive away and that it's been hard to make friends here, but then something like this happens and I am reminded what drew hubby and I here in the first place.

I love watching a flock of wild turkeys run across the road (and have you ever seen those babies fly? FUNNY stuff!). I love seeing deer all over the place and how many people do you know have sat in the sanctuary at church and watched a young bobcat chase leaves in a empty, snowy field in the winter? I love hearing the tales of the black bears that are sighted every so often and how there is a possibility that moose are even in these parts. I love the red leaves of the sugar maples every fall and I love knowing that when I drive a couple miles away, I am getting maple syrup that came from some of my sugar maples - that I can watch boil down while munching on free maple candy. I also love taking the big acorn caps and teaching people how to whistle with them. Something my own Dad taught me as a young girl.

It's a quiet pace here. There is only one traffic light in town and it crosses a major thoroughfare that links Connecticut with Rhode Island. I love that we have a park that was donated by land owners in an adjoining neighborhood and that neighborhoods are few and far between here. In fact, most people share driveways instead to cut down on the amount of disturbance to the land. I love that the roads are only plowed once maybe twice during a snow storm and that I need a 4-wheel drive vehicle to get around in the winter. I think the biggest surprise about living here is the fact that when hubby and I got home from New Hampshire this past vacation, we didn't feel the same "scenery let down" as we did when we lived in our old house/town.

I'm thankful for my almost 2.5 acres of land. I'm thankful that I can have a garden and fruit trees. I'm thankful that I've finally made some friends in this small town of just over 4000 people. This is where I belong.

A list

What I bought while in New Hampshire this weekend:

1. Bakugan
2. Pokemon
3. Talking Dora doll - Swiper, NO swiping
4. cords for the middle boys - did I mention I didn't pay more than $11 for any pair of pants for the youngest three boys?
5. jeans for the middle boys
6. jeans for the youngest boy
7. rugby shirts for the middle boys ($4.99 at Gymboree! STEAL!)
8. waffle weave shirts for the middle boys
9. yoga pants for naughty girl
10. long sleeve t's for naughty girl
11. black dress pants for me (reunion)
12. red & white printed shirt for me (reunion)
13. pointy toe black leather boots (reunion) - did I mention they were $70 and I got them for $25? Go me! Besides the $4.99 rugbys for the boys, my best deal of the weekend. :)
14. soft, furry purple bathrobe for Bec
15. Bali hipster undies for Bec & me (these are the BEST undies hands down...I bought one pair last year and they still look & feel brand new!)
16. nightshirt for me (half price because of the bathrobe purchase)
17. full zippered fleece lined hoodie for the jolly green giant's son
18. nike drawstring backpack for said son
19. Kleen Canteen for said son, again
20. pink nalgene
21. purple nalgene (what? a girl can never have enough nalgene)
22. tanks for Bec
23. 10 redlined items for $10 at Claire's - oh a bevy of different things. Mostly for Bec & my niece Olivia
24. Tinkerbell key chain for yours truly
25. Dora necklace & bracelet for naughty girl
26. fleece nightgowns for naughty girl
27. fleece pj's for youngest boy
28. new rain boots (same as ones purchased in Wrentham) for boy mentioned above
29. cool worker guy boots for same boy
30. Harry & David food stuff...for me...and for the reunion. but mostly for me, err, I mean the family
31. Lindt truffles. 2 bags. One for the reunion...one for me - I shared...promise
32. jeans for Bec
33. jeans for Jerm
34. unPetroleum chapstick in vanilla for me
35. I Make Boys Cry chapstick for Bec
36. long sleeve red t-shirt for hubby...in a large tall...Thank you Eddie Bauer for helping me clothe the jolly green giant & his son.
37. $9 pants for me, me, me...Again, thank you to Eddie Bauer & their clearance rack
38. hair clips for naughty girl (anyone who shopped with me before knows that I feel you can never have too many hair doodads for your daughter)
39. flip flops for the youngest 3 boys for next summer...for 1.99 a pair (of course, I was told that bright orange flip flops are a girl color and I've argued that they aren't. I may have a pair of bright orange flip flops next year :oP)
40. a very nice crudites tray
41. green plaid shorts for middle boys
42. Mario Bros. figurines - one for each of the youngest boys - Mario for Thomas, Yoshi for Daniel & Luigi for David
43. A Bob the Builder costume that Bec picked out in a size way too small for David - but the hard hat hasn't come off his head since he got it. Good thing we have a tool belt & a flannel shirt. We're all set for Bob & Halloween
44. a clearance black wrought iron towel holder missing its screws ($4.95)...I plan on attaching it to a piece of wood painted black for a base and putting paper towels on it for the downstairs bathroom. We don't use hand towels in there during the winter to cut down on germ spreading...it helps a ton!

Since coming home I've also gone shopping for hubby's reunion outfit. Hit Kohl's last night and got him a killer new pair of dress slacks for $7, a red crew neck sweater and a striped button down to go under it. Also hit Christmas Tree Shops for 4 wicker baskets (which came with chocolate brown cotton liners for $2.99 each), water crackers, Starbucks truffles and some small square dipping bowls in fall colors (all for the reunion baskets I was in charge of making).

I think I'm done shopping for awhile...well until December anyway ;)

Naughty little girls

Emma is a naughty little girl.



There. I said it.



Why is she a naughty little girl you ask? (or even if you don't, I'm going to tell you anyway!)



Her mommy (me) fixes her a delicious breakfast of Multi-grain cheerios and milk. She sits in Daniel's chair because I think she's finally learned that if she sits in her booster, she can't get out until I get her out. She's a smart cookie that way. Then I grab the hamper with the dirty laundry in it and started my daily routine of picking up yesterday's clothing from every imaginable room in the house and head down to the basement to start a load or five. She even says "Bye Mommy!!!" when she hears the familiar tromp down the basement stairs.
Showing me she is done w/breakfast


While I am down switching from washer to dryer and starting another load and folding the one that just came out of the dryer, I start to obsess about how David has only 4 pairs of pants. It's cold. I must've saved some kind of pants from Thomas & Daniel. Where did I put them? So begins the search through the various rubber bins and boxes looking for size 6 slim pants. Well, of course, I found shirts....sweatshirts, t-shirts, long sleeve shirts, polo shirts....And shorts too...and maybe 2 or 3 pairs of pants that might fit. And I didn't just find things for David...no. I searched for things for Daniel & Thomas as well. Size 10 slim...or at least 10's w/an adjustable waist. Did I mention that Jeremy must've had 14 million pairs of size 12's? Because I found all of them. Alas, no 10's. :( I found pj's and hoodies and polos for the middle ones. Ah, this is very good. This cuts down on the amount of clothing I will have to buy next weekend in North Conway on our annual girls' only shopping trip - however, I will still have to buy David & Thomas & Daniel some pants. :oP



I should mention through all of this, I hear Emma. I hear her paddling around upstairs. She comes to the cellar door and tells me she is done with her delicious & nutritious multi grain cheerios. She shuts the cellar door after I tell her that I'm just doing some laundry. "Ok mommy!" I hear her in teasing the poor pups who are captive in their kennels. When I say tease, I mean she just talks to them and tells them how much she loves them, but they want to be outside at this point and seeing a human means outside must be near. Unfortunately for them, Emma hasn't mastered unlocking the kennel doors.



I sort the clothes into the various piles on the basement floor and I grab the middle boys' basket so that I can head up to their room and start switching from t-shirts & shorts to long pants and turtlenecks. I get to the top of the stairs and what is staring at me? A naughty little girl who is now covered in RED magic marker. I ask (ok yell) "Where did you get that marker, Emma?!" And how does my naughty little girl answer me? She says "Because." I follow the trail into Jeremy's room (where the dog kennels are) and I believe that she has actually tried to write on Guinness as well. She tells me "Guinness good dog." I see the red Crayola marker with the cap off. My mind thinks...could this be a washable marker...oh please lord, let it be. No. Such. Luck.
Would I kid you? Covered in marker!


So my naughty little girl is in the tub. And the water is pink. And the marker isn't all off even though I've scrubbed her numerous times with a washcloth soaked with Lever 2000. Hmmmm. Hubby tells me that these times are short and when Emma is older I am going to look back fondly on these times and wish I could relive them. I know he is right because I have an almost 17 year old, but it just doesn't seem possible when I look at Emma covered in marker.

The water was pinkish white as she pulled the

bar of soap in. (Please don't mind the ugly iron

ring around the tub...our well water is awful if

we don't keep the salt in the softening system.)

I know God sent me Emma and I am so thankful. But I also know that God was trying to get a message to me. No more. ;) God - if you're listening - I agree!

A good soaking took care of the rest!


Clean & ready for more mischief!

Another long weekend...

And it's over!

P.'s wake/celebration of life was on Friday evening and Bec and I made the hour trip to Agawam to attend. There were very few families from our town in attendance, but I was SO glad we went. There was a beautiful slide show of P.'s life that had us laughing one minute and crying the next. The mic was opened for people to share stories of how P. touched their lives and that was the true testament to his life. One of P.'s sons finished up the open mic with a story that had us rolling in the aisles and I think P. would have loved what transpired in that church fellowship hall. The one thought that I found most interesting was that while I had only known P. for just over 3 years, I had seen the things in him that other's whom had known him far longer did. I've already blogged about the things I admired about him and it was good to know that others felt the same. Sometimes I wonder if I am a good judge of character as I tend to see good in people that others may not like.

Saturday was P.'s memorial service. All 8 of us attended and sat as a family. There were folks standing in our church because there weren't enough seats. We arrived about 15 minutes before the service started and had to sit on folding chairs in front of the choir loft (which is located in the back of the altar). Em sat on my lap and David sat on hubby's. At one point, I almost cried because Em was SO loud and she chatters almost non-stop and here we were in full view of over 100 people. I haven't ever seen the church as full as it was on Saturday. David on the other hand was perfect. Seriously. We had comments from SO many people - most of whom we had never seen before in our life. He sat through a 3+ hour service without so much as a peep. I ended up taking Em out during the new P.'s sermon which ended up being about 25 minutes before the service actually ended. She did get better about whispering during the service and in the few times I cried, she would pat my head/face, kiss me and ask me if I was all better. Very sweet.

After P.'s memorial, we headed to a friend's house for a party. She graduated with Chris and her cousin graduated with me. She is 41 and is leaving for Iraq in January to continue working as a helicopter mechanic. She is a tough cookie and had a VERY tough life during and for the few years after high school. It is so good to see her happy and not worried about money, etc. Not everyone gets through her tough exterior, especially other women, but for some reason she has always been fond of me and I am nothing, but fond of her. It was nice just hanging out for a bit, eating some yummy food and enjoying good company.

After the party at L.'s house, we came home and got ready to head to a dinner party in Auburn. I have to admit I was a bit worried whether everyone would mesh - especially the guys. Chris generally gets along with everyone so that helped ease my fears. It was FABULOUS! Lots of laughs with special friends and the guys seemed to hit it off just fine. Maybe they'll become internet freaks, eh, I mean internet friends! :)))))))) We didn't get home from Auburn until 2am. I hope we didn't overstay our welcome!

Yesterday was my first day teaching the youth at church. Did I mention what time I arrived home the night, er morning, before? It was tough getting up and getting out, but I made it on time and while I wasn't totally prepared for my class (I really just wanted to get to know some of the kids I'm not close to), it went well. It was also communion Sunday and I really needed that. Funny story...One of the elders (Susan) brought the kids up for a story time/kids ministry. As they sat down on the altar steps, she asked if they all knew that P. had died. Everyone did. She asked where they thought P. was. Well, my brilliant Thomas raised his hand and said "He's at Yale!". The WHOLE congregation laughed their butts off. P.'s body is indeed at Yale as he's donated his body to them for research, but that wasn't quite the answer that Susan wanted. Eventually they did get the right answer. ;)

After church, I came home and napped. We had planned to go apple picking, but for some reason every Sunday has been rainy. And cold. Chris and I took the middle boys and headed to the grocery store around 5pm since neither of us was motivated to head to Sam's earlier in the day. I made a pasta, spinach & tomato w/gorgonzola recipe I found in Cooking Light along with a salad & reduced fat crescent rolls. I had some honey butter in the 'fridge left from Bec's birthday dinner to go with everything. Kid's didn't like the spinach, but I thought it was very good and so did Bec & hubby. We had an extra kiddo for dinner. P's youngest daughter has always liked to come hang out with us and I figure some things shouldn't change.

Looking forward to a quiet week and long weekend (public school kiddos have Mon. & Tues. off). Unfortunately the weekend itself will be crazy with family stuff, but it's all good. Maybe the weather will cooperate and we'll be able to apple pick THIS weekend...lol

Yesterday (9-29-2008)

My heart hurts, but I'm glad the dreaded waiting/suffering is over. P. passed yesterday morning with his family around him. It makes me so sad to think that this man, minister, who touched my heart and made me laugh with his cracks about how I look like Becca's cousin and not her mother will never stand on the altar and preach at church again. How he used to say he wished he could have pink hair (he was partially bald and then fully bald after cancer treatments). How he was the first minister I was able to know as just a normal person before I attended the church he preached at. I wish I had gone sooner really. I missed a lot of down to earth, REAL sermons. Ones that didn't put me to sleep or wish I had stayed in bed that morning. My fear of hating it and not feeling comfortable enough to stop going kept me from experiencing something good.

It's funny. I remember speaking to him during a First Friday Family Fun Night (which sadly ended when a child pulled a knife out - shame too because we had what seemed like every kid/teen in town here to play laser tag once a month & bingo indoors for anyone who wanted to play). I was explaining to him the bad experience we had at our last church and flat out told him that hubby hated "pushy pastors". I look back now and think how bold I was to say such a thing, but I really think P. appreciated the candor. He chuckled and thanked me for the info and he never pushed. He and Chris talked frequently on Sundays or Wednesdays and there was nothing, but a mutual respect.

I don't think P. was perfect and I know from different conversations that he often got backs up of long time members and a few people left because of him, but I do think he was true to what he believed which in my mind deserves respect. In a world that seems wishy washy at best sometimes, I can appreciate someone sticking their ground when it isn't always the popular opinion. I also think he was honestly humble which probably is the reason why I was drawn to him.

Oddly enough, P. passed on what was my Mom's 75th birthday. Davey, Em and I took a chocolate cake w/choc. frosting over for her after lunch yesterday and spent most of the afternoon there. My Mom has Alzheimer's although she won't call it that. She says she has "dimention" - not dementia. hahaha Kinda funny when she makes up words like that.

She also takes care of her 87 yo husband who is in ill health. She doesn't eat right, she doesn't sleep right and he is still in charge of their purse strings. Case in point, she needs a new stove. The oven works ok, but two burners are out and don't work. I told her that I'd be happy to take her to get a new stove yesterday and he tells her "No, we're not in a rush.". "Everything is fine." Of course it is, dickhead...you don't have to cook so why should you care. What an F-ing jerk. What makes this even more ironic is that she left my father because he was controlling and abusive. She went from the frying pan into the fire in so many ways. We won't even speak about his bitching that her excelon costs almost 200 dollars every time she gets it filled (excelon is for early/mid dementia & there is no generic form). I don't think he realizes that if something happens to her, he is FUCKED. He won't let any help in (housekeeping, etc.) unless it is family and my mother is allowing the life to be sucked from her because she won't challenge him. It is a truly mind boggling situation and one that makes me HATE visits there.

Anyway, my mother was very emotional most of the the time we were there. She cried when I left while thanking me for taking her to the grocery store. I mean, how awful is that? I've told her a billion & one times that I will drop whatever I am doing and drive the 40 plus minutes to her house if she needs me, but she never asks. And you know I'm such a shitty daughter that I get caught up with the kids and Chris and life in general and don't just go there and do things that I should. I think that is another reason why I hate visiting. Because I am reminded of all the things I should be doing, but just can't seem to fit into the schedule I keep. I certainly am not a good role model of honoring my parent, am I? My children certainly aren't learning a lick of respect from me yet I know if my mother lived next door, I'd be the one there every day caring for her. It's just the act of throwing the kids into the car and driving 30 highway minutes and another 10-15 of back roads. Bad excuses...good intentions pave the way to hell....

So yesterday was another up and down day. It ended ok with a 20 year reunion meeting...It's just 4 weeks away and we were looking at old pictures. Just because I feel like sharing, here is my Kindy class picture...can you find me? Where's Di?

(second row all the way to the right - just in case you couldn't tell)

Waxing philopsophical (some major religious themes too)

My beautiful eldest daughter turned 14 yesterday. 14! Joy & bittersweet all at once. We wished her a happy birthday at 12:01am as we had friends over for dinner & drinks. We were still sitting around the dining room table when she had returned home from babysitting and there we sat when the clocks chimed the start of a new day. She truly is a beautiful soul although she is a bit air headed at times. Her best personality trait is the fact that she can't stay angry. It is easy to get her to laugh. She's like her Daddy.

It was hard getting up for church since I had stayed up long after the clock struck 1am. I was, in fact, a bit late getting over there as I had to make sure Becca's angel food cake was baked. Thankfully, everyone seemed to be running late. We started church and everything was normal except for the fact that our minister wasn't present (he's been there the last couple of weeks sitting in a front pew next to the handicap entrance). I figured it probably wasn't a good sign. Sure enough during prayer requests, D. said that she had spoken to C. that morning. C. basically has stopped working as P. is in his last days. The last week has brought what C. calls a "death watch" and C. hasn't been sleeping really. I couldn't control the tears. And it wasn't just about P. It seems there were SO many prayer requests...so many bad things happening to good people. And then I question and wonder if I am the only believer who questions "Why?". I hold on to something my friend Don told me once. God is big enough for questions. I sure hope he is right because, man, I sure have a lot of questions.

Oddly enough, the substitute minister (who was voted in as a temp after church yesterday) is named P. too & is a friend of our P. He is S. African (great accent) and is actually involved in a prison ministry. He also stutters which blows my mind every time I hear him preach because I think, "Wow. God's calling must've been huge for him to preach even with that type of speech impediment." While you notice he stutters, it isn't an issue while listening to him. Anyway, he preached about unity yesterday which was a good message, but his prayers were what got me. He prayed for P. and his family and for us as a congregation. He reminded us that even when things are so bad you can't imagine it any worse, Jesus is always there. Stand firm together in that knowledge. I think this is where having a church comes in handy. There are times that standing firm by yourself is just too much - too hard, but when you have a church family, they help lift you up - help you remember what is true & right and keep your eye on the prize.

Amid all my happiness yesterday with Becca's birthday and having hubby's Mom & Dad, sister & Nana over for dinner, my heart was still troubled. It wasn't noticed by anyone, I don't think. I don't want to say that I felt "guilty" for being happy, but I certainly wished there was a way to send happiness over to the M. Family. I wished I could have had them over and heard them laughing and enjoying themselves. I guess there really is a time to mourn and a time to laugh. I felt caught between the two. Then I wondered how complex we are that we can experience two extremes in what seemed like the same moment.

Life is good which I've reminded myself in more than one of these blog entries. We may have some bumps in the road were traveling, but nothing life shattering. I looked at David in particular this morning and thought he was the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on and thought of all the hugs & kisses he gives and has given me. Sweet, beautiful boy. Then I was angry with Thomas for not being ready on time and how he was moving like a snail when he is 9 and a half and a big boy now and should know how to have his things ready for school. Invariably, I always think after the fact that that isn't what I would want him to remember if I got hit by a bus and died today. Tempering my words is one of my biggest obstacles in this life and I truly hope that before I die I finally learn the lesson that angry words are better left unspoken. You know what is the most ironic thing to me? That the more I learn and experience in life, the more I realize that I don't know squat. Humbling for sure.