So I received an inbox message on FB today. It explained how a group I was part of was deleting people based on their lack of posting/responses "due to the private nature" of the posts in the group. My immediate thought was, "Oh yeah - I haven't seen anything about that group come up in my newsfeed for quite some time". So I clicked on the Group and was immediately sent to my homepage. I tried seeing if it was part of my groups, etc. and found nothing so I'm pretty sure my lack of posting earned me the ol' axe-a-roo.
Honestly, I was a bit upset at first. I have "known" many of these women for years. How could I be axed? And then I thought, "Who really cares?!". And I don't mean to sound prideful or like I am better than anyone. I think it just dawned on me that the internet is not my main source of friendship anymore. I don't need that interaction like I used to. I have made some of my best friends because of the internet, but that particular group obviously wasn't high on my priority list and that being said, my lack of interest made me not very high on the group's priority list. I know I could have myself "reinstated" if I wanted, but I don't think I do. So yeah, go me for not running with my knee jerk reaction. I think I must be growing up. :)
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
&^%(@#$ BUGS!
I'm not a bug hater as a general rule. If they don't bother me, ie, invade my space, I don't bother them. BUT, this past week, I've decided that I HATE THEM.
It all started with Em's itchy head. Ok, so maybe there was sand in it. Those darn kids are always throwing sand at each other or dumping it over themselves despite being told not to. Scrub, scrub, scrub the scalp. Two days later, itchy again. Take a look and I find BUGS. Not sure what these bugs are. Head to see NP at Pedi's office and find out my little girl has lice. The NP checked my head and Viola - I have lice too! WTF? The little one hasn't been anywhere except dance camp and they aren't putting their heads together or sharing brushes or hats. I have it from sharing my brush with the little one. Light bulb moment. The big girl maybe has it? Rush home to find that the big girl has 'em too. BAD. Ahhh, but she is old enough to NOT share hats or brushes. How the? OHHHHH, the movies. /shiver/ Makes me leery about going to the theater. (See? I am so glad I didn't take her to see Eclipse. I knew those movies would come to a bad end.)
So we treated with the $100/bottle prescription lice treatment. We bought lice/nit combs for $10. We washed everything, bought new pillows and hairbrushes (which we haven't been able to use yet.) Knock on wood, but it looks like they're gone!
Head to my beautiful, lush garden with extra beautiful cucumber & squash plants. This is my quiet place. Solace. Notice a couple of plants are dying. Look closely and see bright funny shaped beetles scurry away. FML. Squash bugs. They will decimate anything squash related (cukes & pumpkins included) . Soon. I had them last year. Nothing I can do short of going out there and killing them one by one by picking them up and throwing them into a soap bucket. Dude. I don't have time for that. I'm so, so sad. I have looked online for treatments and the only organic thing that MAY work is Neem. That is, if I can find the stuff. I busted my arse in that garden. In the fall when the garden is done producing, I will leave out one plant for those damn bugs to attack. I will then poor alcohol or gas over the plant and light the sucker on fire because really, that is about the only thing I can do. Next year, I will also add a few planks of wood into the garden. Each morning I will have to check underneath them and kill the squash bugs that are left over. And I will have Neem on hand. And I will spray EVERYTHING with Neem.
Yeah, so right about now, I hate bugs. I wish they would just leave me alone and pick on someone their own size.
It all started with Em's itchy head. Ok, so maybe there was sand in it. Those darn kids are always throwing sand at each other or dumping it over themselves despite being told not to. Scrub, scrub, scrub the scalp. Two days later, itchy again. Take a look and I find BUGS. Not sure what these bugs are. Head to see NP at Pedi's office and find out my little girl has lice. The NP checked my head and Viola - I have lice too! WTF? The little one hasn't been anywhere except dance camp and they aren't putting their heads together or sharing brushes or hats. I have it from sharing my brush with the little one. Light bulb moment. The big girl maybe has it? Rush home to find that the big girl has 'em too. BAD. Ahhh, but she is old enough to NOT share hats or brushes. How the? OHHHHH, the movies. /shiver/ Makes me leery about going to the theater. (See? I am so glad I didn't take her to see Eclipse. I knew those movies would come to a bad end.)
So we treated with the $100/bottle prescription lice treatment. We bought lice/nit combs for $10. We washed everything, bought new pillows and hairbrushes (which we haven't been able to use yet.) Knock on wood, but it looks like they're gone!
Head to my beautiful, lush garden with extra beautiful cucumber & squash plants. This is my quiet place. Solace. Notice a couple of plants are dying. Look closely and see bright funny shaped beetles scurry away. FML. Squash bugs. They will decimate anything squash related (cukes & pumpkins included) . Soon. I had them last year. Nothing I can do short of going out there and killing them one by one by picking them up and throwing them into a soap bucket. Dude. I don't have time for that. I'm so, so sad. I have looked online for treatments and the only organic thing that MAY work is Neem. That is, if I can find the stuff. I busted my arse in that garden. In the fall when the garden is done producing, I will leave out one plant for those damn bugs to attack. I will then poor alcohol or gas over the plant and light the sucker on fire because really, that is about the only thing I can do. Next year, I will also add a few planks of wood into the garden. Each morning I will have to check underneath them and kill the squash bugs that are left over. And I will have Neem on hand. And I will spray EVERYTHING with Neem.
Yeah, so right about now, I hate bugs. I wish they would just leave me alone and pick on someone their own size.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
And suddenly I see
A couple months ago I was at the library trying to find some books that would be good and as is customary during my visits, my mind went blank on which books I would have liked to check out (I've started carrying lists now). I remembered a certain someone (thank you TL) mentioning the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon and figured I would check out the first book and see if it would be something I enjoyed.
Honestly, I had a hard time at first getting into the book. It takes a bit of the first book creating the scenes and characters, but once I was past that, a new world opened up to me. Each time I go to the library (about every 2 weeks or so), I check out another book in the series (I have just started the 4th book).
What has struck me the most in this series is the fact that I love my husband in the same way that the main characters love each other. Isn't that absurd? I have been thinking about this for the last month or so and feel so funny that a fictional book has been an epiphany in my life. I am quite sure that I live in reality and that these books are fictional, but I am also quite certain that my hubby is my personal Jamie Fraser - minus the red hair and maybe an inch or so in stature. It brings the books more to life for me. Draws me to them even when I should be doing other things. I have shared with the hubster what I think. I have told him that these books have really hit something that maybe I've always known, but have forgotten during the many years of babies, diapers, midnight feedings, etc. We are simply meant to be.
Some people don't believe in soul mates. I probably wouldn't either except I know I live with mine. I know that my hubby is my other half and 99% of the time can we can finish each other's sentences. It hasn't been all butterflies and roses. It hasn't always been a sure thing, but through it all, I know he is my best friend and I know that I am his. I would rather spend a day (and many nights /wink, wink/) with him more than anyone else. I jump at the chance to be alone with him and am really digging this part of our lives. I love that our youngest children are growing more independent each day and that leaves us with more time for each other.
So even though I feel pretty absurd for figuring this all out because of some fictional series, I am glad that I have. Being happy and in love is a pretty wonderful place to be.
Honestly, I had a hard time at first getting into the book. It takes a bit of the first book creating the scenes and characters, but once I was past that, a new world opened up to me. Each time I go to the library (about every 2 weeks or so), I check out another book in the series (I have just started the 4th book).
What has struck me the most in this series is the fact that I love my husband in the same way that the main characters love each other. Isn't that absurd? I have been thinking about this for the last month or so and feel so funny that a fictional book has been an epiphany in my life. I am quite sure that I live in reality and that these books are fictional, but I am also quite certain that my hubby is my personal Jamie Fraser - minus the red hair and maybe an inch or so in stature. It brings the books more to life for me. Draws me to them even when I should be doing other things. I have shared with the hubster what I think. I have told him that these books have really hit something that maybe I've always known, but have forgotten during the many years of babies, diapers, midnight feedings, etc. We are simply meant to be.
Some people don't believe in soul mates. I probably wouldn't either except I know I live with mine. I know that my hubby is my other half and 99% of the time can we can finish each other's sentences. It hasn't been all butterflies and roses. It hasn't always been a sure thing, but through it all, I know he is my best friend and I know that I am his. I would rather spend a day (and many nights /wink, wink/) with him more than anyone else. I jump at the chance to be alone with him and am really digging this part of our lives. I love that our youngest children are growing more independent each day and that leaves us with more time for each other.
So even though I feel pretty absurd for figuring this all out because of some fictional series, I am glad that I have. Being happy and in love is a pretty wonderful place to be.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Summer stuff
So we're in full swing of summer and I'm feeling overwhelmed and understaffed. Hah. I still have most of July and half of August to get through (our vacation falls in August so that will lend some much needed diversion). We're hoping to take a few day trips from our northern most NH perch this year. We've discussed Ben & Jerry's, the cog railroad at Mt. Washington and even some shopping in No. Conway. I'm most stoked for No. Conway and our usual trip to the most gorgeous Walmart ever. No seriously. Spacious, clean and a killer view of the White Mountains. I wish it were in my town.
Both eldest children are working. J full time and B part time. Each for their Dad. B also babysits for some friend's of ours when they need her. I'm glad that my bigger kiddos are not lazy. I mean, we all can be lazy, but when they have to work, they do it. B isn't even being paid by her Dad as dancing in company is a major expense for us. She realizes that she is doing a small part in paying her Dad back. A good lesson to learn young, I think.
I am trying to keep 4 little people from massacring each other. It isn't as simple as it sounds especially in the heat wave we've been experiencing. The library has offered some awesome activities, but by the time 4pm rolls around (when most of them start), I am done with kids. Momfail. We are tossing the idea of a pool around and I am pretty sure we will have one by August. It will be nice to have during my family reunion on Labor Day weekend especially if it is a hot one. It will also be nice for ALL the kids to know how to swim. The three eldest are fine, Daniel is just about there, but David and Emma are still very dependent in the water. I would love to see that change by summer's end.
We also have dance camp again this year. I put Em into a Ballet, Tap & Jazz camp on Tuesday mornings from 9-10:15am. Watching her in tap shoes for the first time is HYSTERICAL! Becca dances T & W from 7-8:30pm and Thurs. 7-9:15pm which is mandatory. So basically we end up getting about 3-4 weeks off from dance a year. I can see why hubby gets so frustrated with it because honestly, he does most of the drop offs & pick ups.
We also have had a house guest since school ended. While it isn't awful, there are some issues that I should have thought out and discussed before I opened my mouth and said everything would be ok for her to stay here. She is gone this week and will be back next for one week and then she is leaving the week after and we likely will not see her before her return to college in NY in late August. I think sharing your house with someone other than family is dicey even in the best situations. We are all used to each other's outbursts, bad moods, quirks, etc. To throw someone into the mix who isn't part of us makes it a bit uncomfortable on both sides, I'm sure. You live & learn, right?! I'm not sure that I would do anything different on this account, except be more forthright about her acquiring a job. That seems to be the only thing that really has bothered me.
As far as the rest - it's the same old, same old. One day at a time. Sometimes even one second at a time. Pushing on and trying to get through the days. It seems to me this is how life passes you by. When you are so busy using your energy just to get through the days, you forget to enjoy it. I hope some day I'll learn how to get by and still enjoy as much as possible. Life is really too short to not enjoy it all.
Both eldest children are working. J full time and B part time. Each for their Dad. B also babysits for some friend's of ours when they need her. I'm glad that my bigger kiddos are not lazy. I mean, we all can be lazy, but when they have to work, they do it. B isn't even being paid by her Dad as dancing in company is a major expense for us. She realizes that she is doing a small part in paying her Dad back. A good lesson to learn young, I think.
I am trying to keep 4 little people from massacring each other. It isn't as simple as it sounds especially in the heat wave we've been experiencing. The library has offered some awesome activities, but by the time 4pm rolls around (when most of them start), I am done with kids. Momfail. We are tossing the idea of a pool around and I am pretty sure we will have one by August. It will be nice to have during my family reunion on Labor Day weekend especially if it is a hot one. It will also be nice for ALL the kids to know how to swim. The three eldest are fine, Daniel is just about there, but David and Emma are still very dependent in the water. I would love to see that change by summer's end.
We also have dance camp again this year. I put Em into a Ballet, Tap & Jazz camp on Tuesday mornings from 9-10:15am. Watching her in tap shoes for the first time is HYSTERICAL! Becca dances T & W from 7-8:30pm and Thurs. 7-9:15pm which is mandatory. So basically we end up getting about 3-4 weeks off from dance a year. I can see why hubby gets so frustrated with it because honestly, he does most of the drop offs & pick ups.
We also have had a house guest since school ended. While it isn't awful, there are some issues that I should have thought out and discussed before I opened my mouth and said everything would be ok for her to stay here. She is gone this week and will be back next for one week and then she is leaving the week after and we likely will not see her before her return to college in NY in late August. I think sharing your house with someone other than family is dicey even in the best situations. We are all used to each other's outbursts, bad moods, quirks, etc. To throw someone into the mix who isn't part of us makes it a bit uncomfortable on both sides, I'm sure. You live & learn, right?! I'm not sure that I would do anything different on this account, except be more forthright about her acquiring a job. That seems to be the only thing that really has bothered me.
As far as the rest - it's the same old, same old. One day at a time. Sometimes even one second at a time. Pushing on and trying to get through the days. It seems to me this is how life passes you by. When you are so busy using your energy just to get through the days, you forget to enjoy it. I hope some day I'll learn how to get by and still enjoy as much as possible. Life is really too short to not enjoy it all.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Saying goodbye and new beginnings
Saying goodbye:
to 3yo preschool
to EO Smith high school (at least for another 2-3 years)
to the childhood of my eldest (how did this happen so quickly?)
to Kindergarten
to 4th grade
to 5th grade
to 10th grade
to the many dreams I've had about attending college for agronomy(personally, this is a tough one and the mourning has just started)
to a year of 2nd Company at Dance Express
New beginnings:
Manchester Community College & Federal Student Aid forms
4yo preschool
1st grade
5th grade
6th grade
11th grade
picking up the "go green" thread in hubby's business and running with it - having something of my own so I feel like I'm contributing something...anything.
My heart is aching with all the goodbyes and is so heavy in so many uncountable ways, but I see a light - a hope for the future - in all the new beginnings. I am praying (literally) for my path as a mom, a wife and as a person to be clear. For God to open doors and/or (large) windows so I might know that I'm on the right path.
I'm not much of a friend these days and for that, I apologize. I'm so caught up in trying to manage the constant lump in my throat and the tears that never seem to be too far away that I have left things unsaid (like birthday wishes, hugs, kind words). I am having a hard time taking care of even the littlest of things. I feel like I am in "safe mode". Nothing gained and nothing lost. Just trying to get through the days.
Perhaps after this coming weekend (J's graduation from high school and B's tryouts for 1st Company) I'll be in a better place. I sure hope so. I don't think I can handle this much longer.
to 3yo preschool
to EO Smith high school (at least for another 2-3 years)
to the childhood of my eldest (how did this happen so quickly?)
to Kindergarten
to 4th grade
to 5th grade
to 10th grade
to the many dreams I've had about attending college for agronomy(personally, this is a tough one and the mourning has just started)
to a year of 2nd Company at Dance Express
New beginnings:
Manchester Community College & Federal Student Aid forms
4yo preschool
1st grade
5th grade
6th grade
11th grade
picking up the "go green" thread in hubby's business and running with it - having something of my own so I feel like I'm contributing something...anything.
My heart is aching with all the goodbyes and is so heavy in so many uncountable ways, but I see a light - a hope for the future - in all the new beginnings. I am praying (literally) for my path as a mom, a wife and as a person to be clear. For God to open doors and/or (large) windows so I might know that I'm on the right path.
I'm not much of a friend these days and for that, I apologize. I'm so caught up in trying to manage the constant lump in my throat and the tears that never seem to be too far away that I have left things unsaid (like birthday wishes, hugs, kind words). I am having a hard time taking care of even the littlest of things. I feel like I am in "safe mode". Nothing gained and nothing lost. Just trying to get through the days.
Perhaps after this coming weekend (J's graduation from high school and B's tryouts for 1st Company) I'll be in a better place. I sure hope so. I don't think I can handle this much longer.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
It's *THAT* time of year again!
Hell week.
Ok, well, perhaps I'm going a bit overboard with the exaggeration.
So we are drawing to a close for the dance year. Our recital is this weekend and it is being held at the Bushnell Belding Theater in Hartford. Our usual theater, the Jorgensen , on the UCONN campus in Storrs, is under a major renovation. Boooooo! Hisssssss! While I concede that it is a pretty cool honor to say that you've danced on stage at the Bushnell, I can tell you from a parent's end, it has been pretty awful.
First off, we could not barter our tickets this year. We had to schlep to the box office in Hartford to buy them (we don't have a CC). So that involved having cash. Cash to the tune of hundreds of dollars. Spring is a struggle financially every year for us, but it is even worse when you're in a financial hole and trying to get out. Ticket prices from D.E. were $15. The rest of the ticket price was all added stuff from the Bushnell. $25 each. Thanks. My butt feels GREAT!
Secondly, the Sunday show was already sold out by the time we had the cash to purchase the tickets. It was looking bleak getting tickets from the dance studio so I took matters into my own hands yesterday and contacted my friend, R., who has shown me the "Company Ropes" this year. By last evening, I had two tickets to Sunday's show. I guess it is strange that Chris and I wanted at least one of us to be at every show, but Sunday was the only day we could watch Becca dance en Pointe. I have never seen that particular dance and was bummed that I might only be able to watch it on DVD a month from now.
And last, but def. not least, tomorrow is full dress rehearsal. ALL DAY. We need to arrive at the theater before Noon and will not be done until after 5pm. My plan was to take the two girls and T. out of school for the day not remembering that T. has a field trip. Thankfully, he is actually visiting the State House and other landmarks in our capital city so after many back and forth phone calls with his teacher, I am picking him up sometime during the afternoon and he will likely be walking distance from the Bushnell - at least that is what I'm hoping for.
Today I have sewing (major sewing & not so major sewing) and a slew of errands to run. Hubby also gave me the go to purchase a flip video camera so I can video all the dances this year. Not sure I'll even be able to do that, but I def. will try.
And for those of you who know me, you also know that my tummy is in knots because I hate change. I was comfy at the Jorgensen. We've been going there for 9 years now. I don't even know where I am going at the Bushnell (although I do know how to get there now - thank God for small mercies). I am especially worried that I won't be able to keep up with all the hair changes or that I'll do something totally stupid and the big girl will be mortified that I'm her mother. It sounds so silly when I say that out loud, but definitely a real fear. I know I don't "fit in" with anyone else. I'm not girly nor do I know much about make up or hair. Being at these things brings me right back to being a little girl and never saying the right thing or having the right family life. Logically, I know that's crap. I hope logic wins out this weekend and that my emotions take the back seat for once.
And just because this week & weekend might not push me over the edge fast enough, looming in the background of my head is also the fact that we will have exactly one week off (from dance) and then tryout camp will start for those who want to tryout for competing or company. The big girl has to make 1st Co. this year because of her age. I hope & pray she does. Ms. B. did tell hubby that she's pretty sure she will, but it will really depend on the hired judges. On that Friday, Jeremy will graduate high school. I haven't even let my head go there. I can't. I.just.cant. /sob/ The next day will be company tryouts and a graduation celebration out to dinner for Jeremy. And that brings us to Sunday which is Father's Day. Did I miss anything? Can someone send me the WAAAAAAAHHHHmbulance now?
I'll just keep chanting "Serenity now!". That will help, right?!
Ok, well, perhaps I'm going a bit overboard with the exaggeration.
So we are drawing to a close for the dance year. Our recital is this weekend and it is being held at the Bushnell Belding Theater in Hartford. Our usual theater, the Jorgensen , on the UCONN campus in Storrs, is under a major renovation. Boooooo! Hisssssss! While I concede that it is a pretty cool honor to say that you've danced on stage at the Bushnell, I can tell you from a parent's end, it has been pretty awful.
First off, we could not barter our tickets this year. We had to schlep to the box office in Hartford to buy them (we don't have a CC). So that involved having cash. Cash to the tune of hundreds of dollars. Spring is a struggle financially every year for us, but it is even worse when you're in a financial hole and trying to get out. Ticket prices from D.E. were $15. The rest of the ticket price was all added stuff from the Bushnell. $25 each. Thanks. My butt feels GREAT!
Secondly, the Sunday show was already sold out by the time we had the cash to purchase the tickets. It was looking bleak getting tickets from the dance studio so I took matters into my own hands yesterday and contacted my friend, R., who has shown me the "Company Ropes" this year. By last evening, I had two tickets to Sunday's show. I guess it is strange that Chris and I wanted at least one of us to be at every show, but Sunday was the only day we could watch Becca dance en Pointe. I have never seen that particular dance and was bummed that I might only be able to watch it on DVD a month from now.
And last, but def. not least, tomorrow is full dress rehearsal. ALL DAY. We need to arrive at the theater before Noon and will not be done until after 5pm. My plan was to take the two girls and T. out of school for the day not remembering that T. has a field trip. Thankfully, he is actually visiting the State House and other landmarks in our capital city so after many back and forth phone calls with his teacher, I am picking him up sometime during the afternoon and he will likely be walking distance from the Bushnell - at least that is what I'm hoping for.
Today I have sewing (major sewing & not so major sewing) and a slew of errands to run. Hubby also gave me the go to purchase a flip video camera so I can video all the dances this year. Not sure I'll even be able to do that, but I def. will try.
And for those of you who know me, you also know that my tummy is in knots because I hate change. I was comfy at the Jorgensen. We've been going there for 9 years now. I don't even know where I am going at the Bushnell (although I do know how to get there now - thank God for small mercies). I am especially worried that I won't be able to keep up with all the hair changes or that I'll do something totally stupid and the big girl will be mortified that I'm her mother. It sounds so silly when I say that out loud, but definitely a real fear. I know I don't "fit in" with anyone else. I'm not girly nor do I know much about make up or hair. Being at these things brings me right back to being a little girl and never saying the right thing or having the right family life. Logically, I know that's crap. I hope logic wins out this weekend and that my emotions take the back seat for once.
And just because this week & weekend might not push me over the edge fast enough, looming in the background of my head is also the fact that we will have exactly one week off (from dance) and then tryout camp will start for those who want to tryout for competing or company. The big girl has to make 1st Co. this year because of her age. I hope & pray she does. Ms. B. did tell hubby that she's pretty sure she will, but it will really depend on the hired judges. On that Friday, Jeremy will graduate high school. I haven't even let my head go there. I can't. I.just.cant. /sob/ The next day will be company tryouts and a graduation celebration out to dinner for Jeremy. And that brings us to Sunday which is Father's Day. Did I miss anything? Can someone send me the WAAAAAAAHHHHmbulance now?
I'll just keep chanting "Serenity now!". That will help, right?!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Really?
So the birthday and big bash party are over. Good times although I've come to the realization that parties held in my honor aren't as fun as I thought they'd be. I really am over being the center of attention. Now could someone please explain to me why the hell I feel like I am suffocating under sad thoughts and self medicating with food? I mean really? What gives?
I cannot put my finger on what the heck is going on in my brain. I feel down, but I don't know why and clearly eating cake for lunch and cheesecake for dinner is a self medicating thing for me. Sweets make me feel good. Of course, after I've consumed so much of them, I'm not feeling good. And sweet honey, my tummy is a flipping mess from all the junk.
I do not know why I am feeling sad. Things are going well here. Kids are doing ok except for the whole not listening part and total groundings that the middle boys are experiencing. Hubby and I are connecting on a regular basis and our relationship is at a point where I get butterflies in my tummy again just kissing him. There is plenty of work, food and we're catching up slowly, but surely.
Perhaps it is partly having a son that is about to graduate and has no firm plans for after graduation or just being tired of the whole dance routine which is quickly coming to an end for the year. I think most likely that turning 40 has brought about some feelings of "where am I going?". Me. What have I accomplished? I think I will always struggle with the fact that I haven't gone to college or had a major career outside being a Mom. Don't get me wrong, I think deep down I know that I am doing what I am meant to do right now, but that doesn't mean I don't think about what I could be doing once I'm done being a SAHM. I also look at my tired body and wonder why it was so easy to let it go and how freaking hard it is to make it into something I'm happy with. It feels like a never ending struggle to stay healthy and I never seem to lose any good amount of weight. Frankly, it's a real pain in the ass and I'm at the end of my rope struggling with it all. Knowing what you should be doing and doing it are two totally different things!
So right now I am going to put on some shorts, my running shoes and try to RUN the measly two miles up and down the side street. I am not bringing the dogs, but instead my iPod and I'm going to try and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. In the mean time, if you have any ideas on how I can get out of this funk, I'd appreciate it.
I cannot put my finger on what the heck is going on in my brain. I feel down, but I don't know why and clearly eating cake for lunch and cheesecake for dinner is a self medicating thing for me. Sweets make me feel good. Of course, after I've consumed so much of them, I'm not feeling good. And sweet honey, my tummy is a flipping mess from all the junk.
I do not know why I am feeling sad. Things are going well here. Kids are doing ok except for the whole not listening part and total groundings that the middle boys are experiencing. Hubby and I are connecting on a regular basis and our relationship is at a point where I get butterflies in my tummy again just kissing him. There is plenty of work, food and we're catching up slowly, but surely.
Perhaps it is partly having a son that is about to graduate and has no firm plans for after graduation or just being tired of the whole dance routine which is quickly coming to an end for the year. I think most likely that turning 40 has brought about some feelings of "where am I going?". Me. What have I accomplished? I think I will always struggle with the fact that I haven't gone to college or had a major career outside being a Mom. Don't get me wrong, I think deep down I know that I am doing what I am meant to do right now, but that doesn't mean I don't think about what I could be doing once I'm done being a SAHM. I also look at my tired body and wonder why it was so easy to let it go and how freaking hard it is to make it into something I'm happy with. It feels like a never ending struggle to stay healthy and I never seem to lose any good amount of weight. Frankly, it's a real pain in the ass and I'm at the end of my rope struggling with it all. Knowing what you should be doing and doing it are two totally different things!
So right now I am going to put on some shorts, my running shoes and try to RUN the measly two miles up and down the side street. I am not bringing the dogs, but instead my iPod and I'm going to try and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. In the mean time, if you have any ideas on how I can get out of this funk, I'd appreciate it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
