Have you ever had the feeling that someone was purposefully trying to keep you out, but allowing you to remain on the fringes so that it didn't look like they were trying to get rid of you?
Ah, such is life. My hubby said that things don't bother him because he only gives energy to those people he actually cares about. He told me to focus my energy on the people that I would mourn if they walked out of my life. He's really good about getting above the BS. One of the many things I love about him.
I've been hangin' with a sick number 5 this week. Fever & cough. Just treating the fever and giving benedryl since the cough seems to be a nasal drip type. Perhaps a viral thing with some allergies....If the fever doesn't break today, I may take him in to the doc tomorrow so that they can take a quick listen to his lungs. I hate trying to get an appt. on the weekends and I never know who is on call.
Also waiting on a call from my sister. About my mom. Doesn't sound good. I am stressing over it and hoping that it is something that can be taken care of with little help because my brother is already dealing with a mother in law with stage 4 breast cancer that has metastasized into her spine...I cannot imagine what my sister in law is going through and my heart breaks for her.
My mother has Alzheimer's. Her Alzheimer's was brought on, in my opinion, by a GP who put her on two types of antidepressants at once (one being Prozac). She went into a stupor and never recovered. Do I think she would have had Alzheimer's anyway? Yep. My grandmother did too. I would venture to guess that it is in my future too. Anyway, her meds don't seem to be working as well anymore and for a good while, my stepfather had convinced her that they were "too expensive" so she stopped getting them. And this was while he was busy writing checks to his daughter and son in law for thousands of dollars. But no, the $200/month pills were just TOO expensive. Asshole. Yet, there she is trying to take care of him. She can't even take care of herself anymore and I am guessing that they are at the end of living on their own. I am angry that my mother has allowed her life to be swallowed up by a man who has taken every good minute of her life and turned it into serving him AND I am angry at my mother for allowing it.
I have never been close to my mom. She left my father when I was 5. They were divorced by the time I was 6. I woke up one morning and she was gone. No explanations. Nothing. Do I think she should have left my father? Absolutely. Do I think she did it in a totally selfish way? Yep. Maybe I haven't forgiven her after all these years. I will say that having children, I cannot even imagine EVER leaving them. You would have to pry my cold dead hands off the door frame before I would leave them like she left me. Perhaps my forgiveness will never go to the depths it has to for healing. I do not know.
So now I wait. The bad daughter. The one who is so caught up in her own life that her mother is on the peripheral. I own it. I just don't know how to change it and I think really that I must not want to since I haven't. Maybe I just need to own that ugly bit too. Hah...I can see the irony of where this blog started and where it has ended.
Karma certainly is a bitch, isn't it?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
"Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare
Truer words were never spoken as I've realized over the last couple of days.
I am, by nature, a private person. I do not like to share any of my unhappy parts with others. I do not know why this is, but it is indeed the way I am. Perhaps it has something to do with the terror of being disliked or ridiculed that I've carried for so many years. I wonder if maybe even most of us have this sense although in various degrees.
I decided to step out on a limb yesterday after reading the quote on a FB friend's wall. It was scary. Scarier than riding up the side of Mt. Washington in my truck on a barely 2 car wide road without guard rails. (Just so you know, just the thought of that particular trip while on vacation this year is enough to make me want to vomit - still.) I took a leap of faith and shared some very personal feelings with people I trust the most. I took the wall down and I am happy to say that I am still alive. In fact, once the wall came down and I shared my deepest hurts with them, I felt healing almost immediately. The well of my heart started to fill again.
I am still someone who wants to hurt in private, but the feeling that I shared and these people still love me...dare I say maybe even more...is like a breeze blowing away clouds and for that, I am ever grateful.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Goodybe to you /chop, chop/
So I received an inbox message on FB today. It explained how a group I was part of was deleting people based on their lack of posting/responses "due to the private nature" of the posts in the group. My immediate thought was, "Oh yeah - I haven't seen anything about that group come up in my newsfeed for quite some time". So I clicked on the Group and was immediately sent to my homepage. I tried seeing if it was part of my groups, etc. and found nothing so I'm pretty sure my lack of posting earned me the ol' axe-a-roo.
Honestly, I was a bit upset at first. I have "known" many of these women for years. How could I be axed? And then I thought, "Who really cares?!". And I don't mean to sound prideful or like I am better than anyone. I think it just dawned on me that the internet is not my main source of friendship anymore. I don't need that interaction like I used to. I have made some of my best friends because of the internet, but that particular group obviously wasn't high on my priority list and that being said, my lack of interest made me not very high on the group's priority list. I know I could have myself "reinstated" if I wanted, but I don't think I do. So yeah, go me for not running with my knee jerk reaction. I think I must be growing up. :)
Honestly, I was a bit upset at first. I have "known" many of these women for years. How could I be axed? And then I thought, "Who really cares?!". And I don't mean to sound prideful or like I am better than anyone. I think it just dawned on me that the internet is not my main source of friendship anymore. I don't need that interaction like I used to. I have made some of my best friends because of the internet, but that particular group obviously wasn't high on my priority list and that being said, my lack of interest made me not very high on the group's priority list. I know I could have myself "reinstated" if I wanted, but I don't think I do. So yeah, go me for not running with my knee jerk reaction. I think I must be growing up. :)
Friday, July 23, 2010
&^%(@#$ BUGS!
I'm not a bug hater as a general rule. If they don't bother me, ie, invade my space, I don't bother them. BUT, this past week, I've decided that I HATE THEM.
It all started with Em's itchy head. Ok, so maybe there was sand in it. Those darn kids are always throwing sand at each other or dumping it over themselves despite being told not to. Scrub, scrub, scrub the scalp. Two days later, itchy again. Take a look and I find BUGS. Not sure what these bugs are. Head to see NP at Pedi's office and find out my little girl has lice. The NP checked my head and Viola - I have lice too! WTF? The little one hasn't been anywhere except dance camp and they aren't putting their heads together or sharing brushes or hats. I have it from sharing my brush with the little one. Light bulb moment. The big girl maybe has it? Rush home to find that the big girl has 'em too. BAD. Ahhh, but she is old enough to NOT share hats or brushes. How the? OHHHHH, the movies. /shiver/ Makes me leery about going to the theater. (See? I am so glad I didn't take her to see Eclipse. I knew those movies would come to a bad end.)
So we treated with the $100/bottle prescription lice treatment. We bought lice/nit combs for $10. We washed everything, bought new pillows and hairbrushes (which we haven't been able to use yet.) Knock on wood, but it looks like they're gone!
Head to my beautiful, lush garden with extra beautiful cucumber & squash plants. This is my quiet place. Solace. Notice a couple of plants are dying. Look closely and see bright funny shaped beetles scurry away. FML. Squash bugs. They will decimate anything squash related (cukes & pumpkins included) . Soon. I had them last year. Nothing I can do short of going out there and killing them one by one by picking them up and throwing them into a soap bucket. Dude. I don't have time for that. I'm so, so sad. I have looked online for treatments and the only organic thing that MAY work is Neem. That is, if I can find the stuff. I busted my arse in that garden. In the fall when the garden is done producing, I will leave out one plant for those damn bugs to attack. I will then poor alcohol or gas over the plant and light the sucker on fire because really, that is about the only thing I can do. Next year, I will also add a few planks of wood into the garden. Each morning I will have to check underneath them and kill the squash bugs that are left over. And I will have Neem on hand. And I will spray EVERYTHING with Neem.
Yeah, so right about now, I hate bugs. I wish they would just leave me alone and pick on someone their own size.
It all started with Em's itchy head. Ok, so maybe there was sand in it. Those darn kids are always throwing sand at each other or dumping it over themselves despite being told not to. Scrub, scrub, scrub the scalp. Two days later, itchy again. Take a look and I find BUGS. Not sure what these bugs are. Head to see NP at Pedi's office and find out my little girl has lice. The NP checked my head and Viola - I have lice too! WTF? The little one hasn't been anywhere except dance camp and they aren't putting their heads together or sharing brushes or hats. I have it from sharing my brush with the little one. Light bulb moment. The big girl maybe has it? Rush home to find that the big girl has 'em too. BAD. Ahhh, but she is old enough to NOT share hats or brushes. How the? OHHHHH, the movies. /shiver/ Makes me leery about going to the theater. (See? I am so glad I didn't take her to see Eclipse. I knew those movies would come to a bad end.)
So we treated with the $100/bottle prescription lice treatment. We bought lice/nit combs for $10. We washed everything, bought new pillows and hairbrushes (which we haven't been able to use yet.) Knock on wood, but it looks like they're gone!
Head to my beautiful, lush garden with extra beautiful cucumber & squash plants. This is my quiet place. Solace. Notice a couple of plants are dying. Look closely and see bright funny shaped beetles scurry away. FML. Squash bugs. They will decimate anything squash related (cukes & pumpkins included) . Soon. I had them last year. Nothing I can do short of going out there and killing them one by one by picking them up and throwing them into a soap bucket. Dude. I don't have time for that. I'm so, so sad. I have looked online for treatments and the only organic thing that MAY work is Neem. That is, if I can find the stuff. I busted my arse in that garden. In the fall when the garden is done producing, I will leave out one plant for those damn bugs to attack. I will then poor alcohol or gas over the plant and light the sucker on fire because really, that is about the only thing I can do. Next year, I will also add a few planks of wood into the garden. Each morning I will have to check underneath them and kill the squash bugs that are left over. And I will have Neem on hand. And I will spray EVERYTHING with Neem.
Yeah, so right about now, I hate bugs. I wish they would just leave me alone and pick on someone their own size.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
And suddenly I see
A couple months ago I was at the library trying to find some books that would be good and as is customary during my visits, my mind went blank on which books I would have liked to check out (I've started carrying lists now). I remembered a certain someone (thank you TL) mentioning the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon and figured I would check out the first book and see if it would be something I enjoyed.
Honestly, I had a hard time at first getting into the book. It takes a bit of the first book creating the scenes and characters, but once I was past that, a new world opened up to me. Each time I go to the library (about every 2 weeks or so), I check out another book in the series (I have just started the 4th book).
What has struck me the most in this series is the fact that I love my husband in the same way that the main characters love each other. Isn't that absurd? I have been thinking about this for the last month or so and feel so funny that a fictional book has been an epiphany in my life. I am quite sure that I live in reality and that these books are fictional, but I am also quite certain that my hubby is my personal Jamie Fraser - minus the red hair and maybe an inch or so in stature. It brings the books more to life for me. Draws me to them even when I should be doing other things. I have shared with the hubster what I think. I have told him that these books have really hit something that maybe I've always known, but have forgotten during the many years of babies, diapers, midnight feedings, etc. We are simply meant to be.
Some people don't believe in soul mates. I probably wouldn't either except I know I live with mine. I know that my hubby is my other half and 99% of the time can we can finish each other's sentences. It hasn't been all butterflies and roses. It hasn't always been a sure thing, but through it all, I know he is my best friend and I know that I am his. I would rather spend a day (and many nights /wink, wink/) with him more than anyone else. I jump at the chance to be alone with him and am really digging this part of our lives. I love that our youngest children are growing more independent each day and that leaves us with more time for each other.
So even though I feel pretty absurd for figuring this all out because of some fictional series, I am glad that I have. Being happy and in love is a pretty wonderful place to be.
Honestly, I had a hard time at first getting into the book. It takes a bit of the first book creating the scenes and characters, but once I was past that, a new world opened up to me. Each time I go to the library (about every 2 weeks or so), I check out another book in the series (I have just started the 4th book).
What has struck me the most in this series is the fact that I love my husband in the same way that the main characters love each other. Isn't that absurd? I have been thinking about this for the last month or so and feel so funny that a fictional book has been an epiphany in my life. I am quite sure that I live in reality and that these books are fictional, but I am also quite certain that my hubby is my personal Jamie Fraser - minus the red hair and maybe an inch or so in stature. It brings the books more to life for me. Draws me to them even when I should be doing other things. I have shared with the hubster what I think. I have told him that these books have really hit something that maybe I've always known, but have forgotten during the many years of babies, diapers, midnight feedings, etc. We are simply meant to be.
Some people don't believe in soul mates. I probably wouldn't either except I know I live with mine. I know that my hubby is my other half and 99% of the time can we can finish each other's sentences. It hasn't been all butterflies and roses. It hasn't always been a sure thing, but through it all, I know he is my best friend and I know that I am his. I would rather spend a day (and many nights /wink, wink/) with him more than anyone else. I jump at the chance to be alone with him and am really digging this part of our lives. I love that our youngest children are growing more independent each day and that leaves us with more time for each other.
So even though I feel pretty absurd for figuring this all out because of some fictional series, I am glad that I have. Being happy and in love is a pretty wonderful place to be.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Summer stuff
So we're in full swing of summer and I'm feeling overwhelmed and understaffed. Hah. I still have most of July and half of August to get through (our vacation falls in August so that will lend some much needed diversion). We're hoping to take a few day trips from our northern most NH perch this year. We've discussed Ben & Jerry's, the cog railroad at Mt. Washington and even some shopping in No. Conway. I'm most stoked for No. Conway and our usual trip to the most gorgeous Walmart ever. No seriously. Spacious, clean and a killer view of the White Mountains. I wish it were in my town.
Both eldest children are working. J full time and B part time. Each for their Dad. B also babysits for some friend's of ours when they need her. I'm glad that my bigger kiddos are not lazy. I mean, we all can be lazy, but when they have to work, they do it. B isn't even being paid by her Dad as dancing in company is a major expense for us. She realizes that she is doing a small part in paying her Dad back. A good lesson to learn young, I think.
I am trying to keep 4 little people from massacring each other. It isn't as simple as it sounds especially in the heat wave we've been experiencing. The library has offered some awesome activities, but by the time 4pm rolls around (when most of them start), I am done with kids. Momfail. We are tossing the idea of a pool around and I am pretty sure we will have one by August. It will be nice to have during my family reunion on Labor Day weekend especially if it is a hot one. It will also be nice for ALL the kids to know how to swim. The three eldest are fine, Daniel is just about there, but David and Emma are still very dependent in the water. I would love to see that change by summer's end.
We also have dance camp again this year. I put Em into a Ballet, Tap & Jazz camp on Tuesday mornings from 9-10:15am. Watching her in tap shoes for the first time is HYSTERICAL! Becca dances T & W from 7-8:30pm and Thurs. 7-9:15pm which is mandatory. So basically we end up getting about 3-4 weeks off from dance a year. I can see why hubby gets so frustrated with it because honestly, he does most of the drop offs & pick ups.
We also have had a house guest since school ended. While it isn't awful, there are some issues that I should have thought out and discussed before I opened my mouth and said everything would be ok for her to stay here. She is gone this week and will be back next for one week and then she is leaving the week after and we likely will not see her before her return to college in NY in late August. I think sharing your house with someone other than family is dicey even in the best situations. We are all used to each other's outbursts, bad moods, quirks, etc. To throw someone into the mix who isn't part of us makes it a bit uncomfortable on both sides, I'm sure. You live & learn, right?! I'm not sure that I would do anything different on this account, except be more forthright about her acquiring a job. That seems to be the only thing that really has bothered me.
As far as the rest - it's the same old, same old. One day at a time. Sometimes even one second at a time. Pushing on and trying to get through the days. It seems to me this is how life passes you by. When you are so busy using your energy just to get through the days, you forget to enjoy it. I hope some day I'll learn how to get by and still enjoy as much as possible. Life is really too short to not enjoy it all.
Both eldest children are working. J full time and B part time. Each for their Dad. B also babysits for some friend's of ours when they need her. I'm glad that my bigger kiddos are not lazy. I mean, we all can be lazy, but when they have to work, they do it. B isn't even being paid by her Dad as dancing in company is a major expense for us. She realizes that she is doing a small part in paying her Dad back. A good lesson to learn young, I think.
I am trying to keep 4 little people from massacring each other. It isn't as simple as it sounds especially in the heat wave we've been experiencing. The library has offered some awesome activities, but by the time 4pm rolls around (when most of them start), I am done with kids. Momfail. We are tossing the idea of a pool around and I am pretty sure we will have one by August. It will be nice to have during my family reunion on Labor Day weekend especially if it is a hot one. It will also be nice for ALL the kids to know how to swim. The three eldest are fine, Daniel is just about there, but David and Emma are still very dependent in the water. I would love to see that change by summer's end.
We also have dance camp again this year. I put Em into a Ballet, Tap & Jazz camp on Tuesday mornings from 9-10:15am. Watching her in tap shoes for the first time is HYSTERICAL! Becca dances T & W from 7-8:30pm and Thurs. 7-9:15pm which is mandatory. So basically we end up getting about 3-4 weeks off from dance a year. I can see why hubby gets so frustrated with it because honestly, he does most of the drop offs & pick ups.
We also have had a house guest since school ended. While it isn't awful, there are some issues that I should have thought out and discussed before I opened my mouth and said everything would be ok for her to stay here. She is gone this week and will be back next for one week and then she is leaving the week after and we likely will not see her before her return to college in NY in late August. I think sharing your house with someone other than family is dicey even in the best situations. We are all used to each other's outbursts, bad moods, quirks, etc. To throw someone into the mix who isn't part of us makes it a bit uncomfortable on both sides, I'm sure. You live & learn, right?! I'm not sure that I would do anything different on this account, except be more forthright about her acquiring a job. That seems to be the only thing that really has bothered me.
As far as the rest - it's the same old, same old. One day at a time. Sometimes even one second at a time. Pushing on and trying to get through the days. It seems to me this is how life passes you by. When you are so busy using your energy just to get through the days, you forget to enjoy it. I hope some day I'll learn how to get by and still enjoy as much as possible. Life is really too short to not enjoy it all.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Saying goodbye and new beginnings
Saying goodbye:
to 3yo preschool
to EO Smith high school (at least for another 2-3 years)
to the childhood of my eldest (how did this happen so quickly?)
to Kindergarten
to 4th grade
to 5th grade
to 10th grade
to the many dreams I've had about attending college for agronomy(personally, this is a tough one and the mourning has just started)
to a year of 2nd Company at Dance Express
New beginnings:
Manchester Community College & Federal Student Aid forms
4yo preschool
1st grade
5th grade
6th grade
11th grade
picking up the "go green" thread in hubby's business and running with it - having something of my own so I feel like I'm contributing something...anything.
My heart is aching with all the goodbyes and is so heavy in so many uncountable ways, but I see a light - a hope for the future - in all the new beginnings. I am praying (literally) for my path as a mom, a wife and as a person to be clear. For God to open doors and/or (large) windows so I might know that I'm on the right path.
I'm not much of a friend these days and for that, I apologize. I'm so caught up in trying to manage the constant lump in my throat and the tears that never seem to be too far away that I have left things unsaid (like birthday wishes, hugs, kind words). I am having a hard time taking care of even the littlest of things. I feel like I am in "safe mode". Nothing gained and nothing lost. Just trying to get through the days.
Perhaps after this coming weekend (J's graduation from high school and B's tryouts for 1st Company) I'll be in a better place. I sure hope so. I don't think I can handle this much longer.
to 3yo preschool
to EO Smith high school (at least for another 2-3 years)
to the childhood of my eldest (how did this happen so quickly?)
to Kindergarten
to 4th grade
to 5th grade
to 10th grade
to the many dreams I've had about attending college for agronomy(personally, this is a tough one and the mourning has just started)
to a year of 2nd Company at Dance Express
New beginnings:
Manchester Community College & Federal Student Aid forms
4yo preschool
1st grade
5th grade
6th grade
11th grade
picking up the "go green" thread in hubby's business and running with it - having something of my own so I feel like I'm contributing something...anything.
My heart is aching with all the goodbyes and is so heavy in so many uncountable ways, but I see a light - a hope for the future - in all the new beginnings. I am praying (literally) for my path as a mom, a wife and as a person to be clear. For God to open doors and/or (large) windows so I might know that I'm on the right path.
I'm not much of a friend these days and for that, I apologize. I'm so caught up in trying to manage the constant lump in my throat and the tears that never seem to be too far away that I have left things unsaid (like birthday wishes, hugs, kind words). I am having a hard time taking care of even the littlest of things. I feel like I am in "safe mode". Nothing gained and nothing lost. Just trying to get through the days.
Perhaps after this coming weekend (J's graduation from high school and B's tryouts for 1st Company) I'll be in a better place. I sure hope so. I don't think I can handle this much longer.
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