Summer stuff

So we're in full swing of summer and I'm feeling overwhelmed and understaffed. Hah. I still have most of July and half of August to get through (our vacation falls in August so that will lend some much needed diversion). We're hoping to take a few day trips from our northern most NH perch this year. We've discussed Ben & Jerry's, the cog railroad at Mt. Washington and even some shopping in No. Conway. I'm most stoked for No. Conway and our usual trip to the most gorgeous Walmart ever. No seriously. Spacious, clean and a killer view of the White Mountains. I wish it were in my town.

Both eldest children are working. J full time and B part time. Each for their Dad. B also babysits for some friend's of ours when they need her. I'm glad that my bigger kiddos are not lazy. I mean, we all can be lazy, but when they have to work, they do it. B isn't even being paid by her Dad as dancing in company is a major expense for us. She realizes that she is doing a small part in paying her Dad back. A good lesson to learn young, I think.

I am trying to keep 4 little people from massacring each other. It isn't as simple as it sounds especially in the heat wave we've been experiencing. The library has offered some awesome activities, but by the time 4pm rolls around (when most of them start), I am done with kids. Momfail. We are tossing the idea of a pool around and I am pretty sure we will have one by August. It will be nice to have during my family reunion on Labor Day weekend especially if it is a hot one. It will also be nice for ALL the kids to know how to swim. The three eldest are fine, Daniel is just about there, but David and Emma are still very dependent in the water. I would love to see that change by summer's end.

We also have dance camp again this year. I put Em into a Ballet, Tap & Jazz camp on Tuesday mornings from 9-10:15am. Watching her in tap shoes for the first time is HYSTERICAL! Becca dances T & W from 7-8:30pm and Thurs. 7-9:15pm which is mandatory. So basically we end up getting about 3-4 weeks off from dance a year. I can see why hubby gets so frustrated with it because honestly, he does most of the drop offs & pick ups.

We also have had a house guest since school ended. While it isn't awful, there are some issues that I should have thought out and discussed before I opened my mouth and said everything would be ok for her to stay here. She is gone this week and will be back next for one week and then she is leaving the week after and we likely will not see her before her return to college in NY in late August. I think sharing your house with someone other than family is dicey even in the best situations. We are all used to each other's outbursts, bad moods, quirks, etc. To throw someone into the mix who isn't part of us makes it a bit uncomfortable on both sides, I'm sure. You live & learn, right?! I'm not sure that I would do anything different on this account, except be more forthright about her acquiring a job. That seems to be the only thing that really has bothered me.

As far as the rest - it's the same old, same old. One day at a time. Sometimes even one second at a time. Pushing on and trying to get through the days. It seems to me this is how life passes you by. When you are so busy using your energy just to get through the days, you forget to enjoy it. I hope some day I'll learn how to get by and still enjoy as much as possible. Life is really too short to not enjoy it all.

Saying goodbye and new beginnings

Saying goodbye:

to 3yo preschool
to EO Smith high school (at least for another 2-3 years)
to the childhood of my eldest (how did this happen so quickly?)
to Kindergarten
to 4th grade
to 5th grade
to 10th grade
to the many dreams I've had about attending college for agronomy(personally, this is a tough one and the mourning has just started)
to a year of 2nd Company at Dance Express

New beginnings:

Manchester Community College & Federal Student Aid forms
4yo preschool
1st grade
5th grade
6th grade
11th grade
picking up the "go green" thread in hubby's business and running with it - having something of my own so I feel like I'm contributing something...anything.


My heart is aching with all the goodbyes and is so heavy in so many uncountable ways, but I see a light - a hope for the future - in all the new beginnings. I am praying (literally) for my path as a mom, a wife and as a person to be clear. For God to open doors and/or (large) windows so I might know that I'm on the right path.

I'm not much of a friend these days and for that, I apologize. I'm so caught up in trying to manage the constant lump in my throat and the tears that never seem to be too far away that I have left things unsaid (like birthday wishes, hugs, kind words). I am having a hard time taking care of even the littlest of things. I feel like I am in "safe mode". Nothing gained and nothing lost. Just trying to get through the days.

Perhaps after this coming weekend (J's graduation from high school and B's tryouts for 1st Company) I'll be in a better place. I sure hope so. I don't think I can handle this much longer.

It's *THAT* time of year again!

Hell week.

Ok, well, perhaps I'm going a bit overboard with the exaggeration.

So we are drawing to a close for the dance year. Our recital is this weekend and it is being held at the Bushnell Belding Theater in Hartford. Our usual theater, the Jorgensen , on the UCONN campus in Storrs, is under a major renovation. Boooooo! Hisssssss! While I concede that it is a pretty cool honor to say that you've danced on stage at the Bushnell, I can tell you from a parent's end, it has been pretty awful.

First off, we could not barter our tickets this year. We had to schlep to the box office in Hartford to buy them (we don't have a CC). So that involved having cash. Cash to the tune of hundreds of dollars. Spring is a struggle financially every year for us, but it is even worse when you're in a financial hole and trying to get out. Ticket prices from D.E. were $15. The rest of the ticket price was all added stuff from the Bushnell. $25 each. Thanks. My butt feels GREAT!

Secondly, the Sunday show was already sold out by the time we had the cash to purchase the tickets. It was looking bleak getting tickets from the dance studio so I took matters into my own hands yesterday and contacted my friend, R., who has shown me the "Company Ropes" this year. By last evening, I had two tickets to Sunday's show. I guess it is strange that Chris and I wanted at least one of us to be at every show, but Sunday was the only day we could watch Becca dance en Pointe. I have never seen that particular dance and was bummed that I might only be able to watch it on DVD a month from now.

And last, but def. not least, tomorrow is full dress rehearsal. ALL DAY. We need to arrive at the theater before Noon and will not be done until after 5pm. My plan was to take the two girls and T. out of school for the day not remembering that T. has a field trip. Thankfully, he is actually visiting the State House and other landmarks in our capital city so after many back and forth phone calls with his teacher, I am picking him up sometime during the afternoon and he will likely be walking distance from the Bushnell - at least that is what I'm hoping for.

Today I have sewing (major sewing & not so major sewing) and a slew of errands to run. Hubby also gave me the go to purchase a flip video camera so I can video all the dances this year. Not sure I'll even be able to do that, but I def. will try.

And for those of you who know me, you also know that my tummy is in knots because I hate change. I was comfy at the Jorgensen. We've been going there for 9 years now. I don't even know where I am going at the Bushnell (although I do know how to get there now - thank God for small mercies). I am especially worried that I won't be able to keep up with all the hair changes or that I'll do something totally stupid and the big girl will be mortified that I'm her mother. It sounds so silly when I say that out loud, but definitely a real fear. I know I don't "fit in" with anyone else. I'm not girly nor do I know much about make up or hair. Being at these things brings me right back to being a little girl and never saying the right thing or having the right family life. Logically, I know that's crap. I hope logic wins out this weekend and that my emotions take the back seat for once.

And just because this week & weekend might not push me over the edge fast enough, looming in the background of my head is also the fact that we will have exactly one week off (from dance) and then tryout camp will start for those who want to tryout for competing or company. The big girl has to make 1st Co. this year because of her age. I hope & pray she does. Ms. B. did tell hubby that she's pretty sure she will, but it will really depend on the hired judges. On that Friday, Jeremy will graduate high school. I haven't even let my head go there. I can't. I.just.cant. /sob/ The next day will be company tryouts and a graduation celebration out to dinner for Jeremy. And that brings us to Sunday which is Father's Day. Did I miss anything? Can someone send me the WAAAAAAAHHHHmbulance now?

I'll just keep chanting "Serenity now!". That will help, right?!

Really?

So the birthday and big bash party are over. Good times although I've come to the realization that parties held in my honor aren't as fun as I thought they'd be. I really am over being the center of attention. Now could someone please explain to me why the hell I feel like I am suffocating under sad thoughts and self medicating with food? I mean really? What gives?

I cannot put my finger on what the heck is going on in my brain. I feel down, but I don't know why and clearly eating cake for lunch and cheesecake for dinner is a self medicating thing for me. Sweets make me feel good. Of course, after I've consumed so much of them, I'm not feeling good. And sweet honey, my tummy is a flipping mess from all the junk.

I do not know why I am feeling sad. Things are going well here. Kids are doing ok except for the whole not listening part and total groundings that the middle boys are experiencing. Hubby and I are connecting on a regular basis and our relationship is at a point where I get butterflies in my tummy again just kissing him. There is plenty of work, food and we're catching up slowly, but surely.

Perhaps it is partly having a son that is about to graduate and has no firm plans for after graduation or just being tired of the whole dance routine which is quickly coming to an end for the year. I think most likely that turning 40 has brought about some feelings of "where am I going?". Me. What have I accomplished? I think I will always struggle with the fact that I haven't gone to college or had a major career outside being a Mom. Don't get me wrong, I think deep down I know that I am doing what I am meant to do right now, but that doesn't mean I don't think about what I could be doing once I'm done being a SAHM. I also look at my tired body and wonder why it was so easy to let it go and how freaking hard it is to make it into something I'm happy with. It feels like a never ending struggle to stay healthy and I never seem to lose any good amount of weight. Frankly, it's a real pain in the ass and I'm at the end of my rope struggling with it all. Knowing what you should be doing and doing it are two totally different things!

So right now I am going to put on some shorts, my running shoes and try to RUN the measly two miles up and down the side street. I am not bringing the dogs, but instead my iPod and I'm going to try and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. In the mean time, if you have any ideas on how I can get out of this funk, I'd appreciate it.

My first post as a 40 year old

Pondering life at 40 years old?


Damn...written out it sure looks scary, doesn't it?! It doesn't feel scary. I don't "feel" forty anymore than I felt thirty or thirty five or thirty nine. For me, it really is just a number.

I did have a sort of rude awakening at the Cape over Mother's Day weekend, however. I stepped out of the shower and because there is a HUGE mirror right there, I noticed that I have developed pretty scary "buh bye" arms. You know...the kind where they keep waving even after you stop?! I can laugh about it now, but it did hit me hard that I am indeed looking middle aged these days. My face? Maybe not so much, but the rest of my body is giving itself away!

I had a really nice birthday weekend. Rang in my birthday sleeping under the stars in my new tent and even newer sleeping bag with children, numbers 3, 5 & 6. Unfortunately, my air mattress has a leak so by the time 3am rolled around, I was basically sleeping on the hard ground. It gets pretty cold outside at night in May - just in case you were wondering. The best part was watching number 6 wake up and realize she had slept outside all night. It was magical.

I woke up for good at 5:30am, took a shower to warm my bones and got ready for a 5k. Wunned the 5k (walked/ran) with some great friends, came home, took some laundry off the line, took the tent down and put away all the blankets back into the linen closet and then physically hit a wall. I was wiped. I laid down for a nap for an hour or so and then we all headed to my BIL & SIL's house for dinner.

Enjoyable dinner, but came home with a kickin' migraine so I basically took some meds and hit the sack. Now I'm looking forward to my big birthday bash this weekend. Can't wait to see friends & extended family and celebrate my milestone with the people I love best. Life is good. Damn good.

I'm going to leave you with some pictures from outside around the house. The bumblebee pictures were taken close to my clothesline on the perimeter of the garden. I love the bees...they buzz around doing their thing as I quietly do my thing hanging up my laundry and pondering things in life. The irises are near the chaise lounge shaped rock in the grassy U-shape of the driveway and my garden is tilled and ready for planting - hopefully this weekend.
My friend the bumblebee
Iris
Garden tilled & ready for planting
Another favorite - buttercups

Family Friends

I've extolled the virtues of women friends here before - the incredulous state that having so many of them has left me in when I think about it. I haven't shared about my female familial friendships, however, and after this past weekend, it seemed to me that I should.

My own sister was my best girl friend for years and years. We drifted apart for awhile, but are slowly finding our way back to each other. We both have changed over the years and we both are in totally different places in our life, but we will always have a sister bond that ties our hearts. It doesn't matter how many miles or years seem to come between either. She probably knows more about me than anyone except for my husband and I know if I ever needed anything, my sister would move a mountain to get it to me. We are family, through & through, and no one could ever break that bond.

My husband's sister is my "sistah from another mistah". Yes, that is what I call her. She can make me LAUGH. And when I say laugh, I mean huge belly laughs that come from your toes. The kind that tears stream down your face and your abs feel like you've done at least 200 crunches or the kind that make you spew hot coffee onto your computer screen. We text each other almost every single day and I can say that she is definitely the Thelma to my Louise. We have shared so much in the last 23+ years...tears, laughter, anger....we've definitely run the gamut of emotions with each other and yet, there is no one else I'd rather have riding shotgun. "Hold on to your hats, boys!" will always be a phrase that makes me think of her and the good times we've had with our, now, big boys.

My younger brother-in-law's wife and I haven't always had the most comfortable relationship, but with baby steps we find it easier to love & trust each other. Our children are certainly what ties us to each other. Their four and our youngest four share birthdays no more than 2 1/2 months apart - two having birthdays only 5 days apart. I have often remarked that our children continually show us the way to treat each other as they all have a strong bond between them from the 11 year olds down to the 3 year olds. Despite rocky times, we've shared many laughs and tears and I am blessed to call her my sister. I look forward to our journey together and believe that the rockiest of times are behind us.

My elder brother-in-law's wife is a relative newcomer to the family. She and I shared an instant bond for our childhoods were very common, but even more than that, we are the same age - not even a month between us. We share the bond of growing up with dysfunction & alcoholism. We share the bond of "control" which often gives us a good laugh (not us!?). It is almost as if we "mirror" each other on some level - seeing in each other the goodness & lovable parts that we can't or refuse to see in ourselves. She and I can talk deep or we can be silly school girls. The nicest thing is that it doesn't matter how many months flow between meet ups. We just seem to pick up where we left off and continue our journey together.

My mother in law - the rock & center of our family. She has over the course of 23+ years become my other mom. I love her, respect her and would do just about anything if I knew it would make her happy. She is strong yet tender - wise yet graceful and she gave me the most amazing gift which is my husband. Over the years I have found her ears are great for listening, her shoulder is good for a cry and most of all, her heart is always with her family which I am blessed to be part of. She also makes one helluva birth attendant and was in the delivery room for the last 3 out of 6 births. The thankfulness that I feel in having such a wonderful relationship with her is beyond any words known to mankind.

Add these family members to my already wonderful group of girlfriends and you can see just how blessed I am. How after almost 40 years, I am learning that girlfriends, do indeed, matter.

Getting the lead out

This is what I need to do.

I started training in earnest today for my next 5k which is oddly enough on my 40th birthday. My knees hurt and my shins are killin' me! Running on the roads is far tougher on your body than running on the treadmill, that's for sure. Unfortunately, I would rather be on the road with the dogs than anywhere else at this point. It's time for me to put up or shut up.

Today I had a rather slow pace (3.4 miles in roughly 45 mins.), but I ran more than I have in a long time. I took the dogs with me again and poor Guinness was barely alive by the time we got home. She was foaming at the mouth and flopped down onto the tile floor as soon as we got into the house. Bailey was pretty worn out as well. Both dogs pretty much drank two bowls full of water after today's workout. I have a goal to make the loop (4.7 miles) in just under an hour BEFORE participating in the 5k on May 16th. I'm not sure Guinness is quite ready for almost 5 miles, but I would feel so awful leaving her home.

And that brings me to another question I am asking myself. Do I want to run this next 5k or walk it? I know I can run one. I've done it twice. Part of me feels that by me not running, I will be cheating myself out of something or not doing "my best", but the other part of me feels that I have already proven myself and if I want to walk, who cares? Decisions, decisions. Either way, I plan to be ready for it and either way, I know it will be fun.