Yesterday (9-29-2008)

My heart hurts, but I'm glad the dreaded waiting/suffering is over. P. passed yesterday morning with his family around him. It makes me so sad to think that this man, minister, who touched my heart and made me laugh with his cracks about how I look like Becca's cousin and not her mother will never stand on the altar and preach at church again. How he used to say he wished he could have pink hair (he was partially bald and then fully bald after cancer treatments). How he was the first minister I was able to know as just a normal person before I attended the church he preached at. I wish I had gone sooner really. I missed a lot of down to earth, REAL sermons. Ones that didn't put me to sleep or wish I had stayed in bed that morning. My fear of hating it and not feeling comfortable enough to stop going kept me from experiencing something good.

It's funny. I remember speaking to him during a First Friday Family Fun Night (which sadly ended when a child pulled a knife out - shame too because we had what seemed like every kid/teen in town here to play laser tag once a month & bingo indoors for anyone who wanted to play). I was explaining to him the bad experience we had at our last church and flat out told him that hubby hated "pushy pastors". I look back now and think how bold I was to say such a thing, but I really think P. appreciated the candor. He chuckled and thanked me for the info and he never pushed. He and Chris talked frequently on Sundays or Wednesdays and there was nothing, but a mutual respect.

I don't think P. was perfect and I know from different conversations that he often got backs up of long time members and a few people left because of him, but I do think he was true to what he believed which in my mind deserves respect. In a world that seems wishy washy at best sometimes, I can appreciate someone sticking their ground when it isn't always the popular opinion. I also think he was honestly humble which probably is the reason why I was drawn to him.

Oddly enough, P. passed on what was my Mom's 75th birthday. Davey, Em and I took a chocolate cake w/choc. frosting over for her after lunch yesterday and spent most of the afternoon there. My Mom has Alzheimer's although she won't call it that. She says she has "dimention" - not dementia. hahaha Kinda funny when she makes up words like that.

She also takes care of her 87 yo husband who is in ill health. She doesn't eat right, she doesn't sleep right and he is still in charge of their purse strings. Case in point, she needs a new stove. The oven works ok, but two burners are out and don't work. I told her that I'd be happy to take her to get a new stove yesterday and he tells her "No, we're not in a rush.". "Everything is fine." Of course it is, dickhead...you don't have to cook so why should you care. What an F-ing jerk. What makes this even more ironic is that she left my father because he was controlling and abusive. She went from the frying pan into the fire in so many ways. We won't even speak about his bitching that her excelon costs almost 200 dollars every time she gets it filled (excelon is for early/mid dementia & there is no generic form). I don't think he realizes that if something happens to her, he is FUCKED. He won't let any help in (housekeeping, etc.) unless it is family and my mother is allowing the life to be sucked from her because she won't challenge him. It is a truly mind boggling situation and one that makes me HATE visits there.

Anyway, my mother was very emotional most of the the time we were there. She cried when I left while thanking me for taking her to the grocery store. I mean, how awful is that? I've told her a billion & one times that I will drop whatever I am doing and drive the 40 plus minutes to her house if she needs me, but she never asks. And you know I'm such a shitty daughter that I get caught up with the kids and Chris and life in general and don't just go there and do things that I should. I think that is another reason why I hate visiting. Because I am reminded of all the things I should be doing, but just can't seem to fit into the schedule I keep. I certainly am not a good role model of honoring my parent, am I? My children certainly aren't learning a lick of respect from me yet I know if my mother lived next door, I'd be the one there every day caring for her. It's just the act of throwing the kids into the car and driving 30 highway minutes and another 10-15 of back roads. Bad excuses...good intentions pave the way to hell....

So yesterday was another up and down day. It ended ok with a 20 year reunion meeting...It's just 4 weeks away and we were looking at old pictures. Just because I feel like sharing, here is my Kindy class picture...can you find me? Where's Di?

(second row all the way to the right - just in case you couldn't tell)

Waxing philopsophical (some major religious themes too)

My beautiful eldest daughter turned 14 yesterday. 14! Joy & bittersweet all at once. We wished her a happy birthday at 12:01am as we had friends over for dinner & drinks. We were still sitting around the dining room table when she had returned home from babysitting and there we sat when the clocks chimed the start of a new day. She truly is a beautiful soul although she is a bit air headed at times. Her best personality trait is the fact that she can't stay angry. It is easy to get her to laugh. She's like her Daddy.

It was hard getting up for church since I had stayed up long after the clock struck 1am. I was, in fact, a bit late getting over there as I had to make sure Becca's angel food cake was baked. Thankfully, everyone seemed to be running late. We started church and everything was normal except for the fact that our minister wasn't present (he's been there the last couple of weeks sitting in a front pew next to the handicap entrance). I figured it probably wasn't a good sign. Sure enough during prayer requests, D. said that she had spoken to C. that morning. C. basically has stopped working as P. is in his last days. The last week has brought what C. calls a "death watch" and C. hasn't been sleeping really. I couldn't control the tears. And it wasn't just about P. It seems there were SO many prayer requests...so many bad things happening to good people. And then I question and wonder if I am the only believer who questions "Why?". I hold on to something my friend Don told me once. God is big enough for questions. I sure hope he is right because, man, I sure have a lot of questions.

Oddly enough, the substitute minister (who was voted in as a temp after church yesterday) is named P. too & is a friend of our P. He is S. African (great accent) and is actually involved in a prison ministry. He also stutters which blows my mind every time I hear him preach because I think, "Wow. God's calling must've been huge for him to preach even with that type of speech impediment." While you notice he stutters, it isn't an issue while listening to him. Anyway, he preached about unity yesterday which was a good message, but his prayers were what got me. He prayed for P. and his family and for us as a congregation. He reminded us that even when things are so bad you can't imagine it any worse, Jesus is always there. Stand firm together in that knowledge. I think this is where having a church comes in handy. There are times that standing firm by yourself is just too much - too hard, but when you have a church family, they help lift you up - help you remember what is true & right and keep your eye on the prize.

Amid all my happiness yesterday with Becca's birthday and having hubby's Mom & Dad, sister & Nana over for dinner, my heart was still troubled. It wasn't noticed by anyone, I don't think. I don't want to say that I felt "guilty" for being happy, but I certainly wished there was a way to send happiness over to the M. Family. I wished I could have had them over and heard them laughing and enjoying themselves. I guess there really is a time to mourn and a time to laugh. I felt caught between the two. Then I wondered how complex we are that we can experience two extremes in what seemed like the same moment.

Life is good which I've reminded myself in more than one of these blog entries. We may have some bumps in the road were traveling, but nothing life shattering. I looked at David in particular this morning and thought he was the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on and thought of all the hugs & kisses he gives and has given me. Sweet, beautiful boy. Then I was angry with Thomas for not being ready on time and how he was moving like a snail when he is 9 and a half and a big boy now and should know how to have his things ready for school. Invariably, I always think after the fact that that isn't what I would want him to remember if I got hit by a bus and died today. Tempering my words is one of my biggest obstacles in this life and I truly hope that before I die I finally learn the lesson that angry words are better left unspoken. You know what is the most ironic thing to me? That the more I learn and experience in life, the more I realize that I don't know squat. Humbling for sure.

I don't think it worked :(

So that cryoablation I had done a couple months ago hasn't changed anything. In fact, things have been about the same or worse each month. I know it can take up to 6 months before knowing for sure, but I am really bummed about it.

I did some 'net surfing on the subject and came up with adenomyosis. (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/Adenomyosis/DS00636) I don't like to self diagnose, but with the 'net, it is so easy to type in a couple of key words and find something that fits. It seems like a logical answer to my particular problem. If 6 months have passed and there is no change, I think I may have to rethink the whole uterus removal. I'm just not sure if not leaving the house for 2 days each month is really worth holding on to my uterus. I mean, it isn't as if I need the darn thing, right? I'm done having children. I don't know why it is so difficult for me to fathom not having that particular apparatus in my body.

My sister had her uterus removed at the age of 27. She had 4 children in 5 years and her menses brought the same type of crap I'm dealing with. She is now in her late 40's and is definitely experiencing peri-menopause. I guess I'm thinking I don't want to bring that on any sooner than I have to, you know? It's not that I mind aging really because it hasn't affected me much. I never got upset when I turned 30 and I'm not really dreading 40 either. Age is just something that happens...it doesn't define me and never has. I just don't know.

I feel really let down right now as I had pinned all my hopes on the ablation working for me...I hate my period. Really hate it. I guess maybe it is time for me to start thinking about what options are left. Baaaah. Stinkin' dirty menstrual cycles - what use are they when you're done having children anyhow? I think there should be a switch that shuts them off as soon as you've decided enough is enough....

Happy Birthday Daniel

I cannot believe that 8 years have passed.

The morning of Daniel's birth I was awoken around 4am with some labor pains and a bloody show. Seeing how Thomas' birth went pretty quickly once my water broke, I was paying close attention. Contractions were coming every 6 minutes or so and lasting well over 90 seconds. Called the doc, the babysitter and got to the hospital around 7am. Headed into triage and was checked...5.5cm dilated. WOOOPEEEEE...no pit for me! Get into a nice LDRP room and what happens by mid morning? MY FREAKIN' LABOR STALLS! I'm practically doing cartwheels in the darn hallways and labor doesn't pick back up. Yep. Here comes the evil pit....and an epidural because I hate the evil pit. Epidural in...labor starts up again. I let epi fade just in time for transition. Goood times. I feel like pushing...but there is a lip. Nurse helps get rid of stupid lip and finally I push out a 9lb 14oz., 21 3/4" BIG shouldered (15" shoulders?) boy. Just a little tear, but I swear I pushed his TOES out. Take that! A head full of dark curly hair, a small nose...just perfect.

The first year was rough. No talking. NONE. No babbling, nothing. Angry little boy. Once Birth to 3 came in and we started weekly visits with an early childhood development teacher, things changed quickly. Once Daniel could speak, we realized he was a sponge and had soaked up SO much knowledge. He knew letters, colors, shapes, numbers. It was amazing. Once he started talking, his vocabulary grew so quickly and he was saying things like "cow poop smells disgusting" when just months before he wasn't speaking at all. School has been easy for him as far as learning goes, but in my heart of hearts, I know he has some issues with paying attention and staying on track. We've applied certain techniques in the classroom which help and his teachers have been pretty great. I truly think that Daniel is special and I'm so blessed to call him my son.

Above all, Daniel is a sensitive, sweet, funny child. He makes us all laugh on a daily basis yet is the first one to come snuggle or sneak a smooch.

This is my new 8 year old boy...Isn't he delicious?

The Best Bits of the Weekend

It was a nice weekend despite my anxiety over it. I think my favorite part was Family Day yesterday. In the three plus years we've lived here, we've never ventured out to family day. We decided to give it a try and I'm so glad we did.

First off, it is held in a park that also holds an elderly complex here in town. There is a great big green in the middle along with a fairly large gazebo. We've not attended any of the summer concerts there or really been up in the park except a quick turn around a couple of times. The parking wasn't difficult although we had to park at the Library and cross Rte. 44 which can be pretty hairy (it is a main route through CT to RI).

When we got up the drive and into the actual park, a sea of tents seemed to fill the open areas. I needed to get to the church tent as I had baked 7 dozen cookies for the Bingo they were running (food being the prize for BINGO). The church tent was parked toward the top of the green and it offered a great view of all the different tents and what was going on. I looked around amazed at the fact that I actually knew some of the faces and that virtually everything that was offered was FREE. Yes, I said FREE. The only things that required money was ice cream (which I didn't see a tent for), the Historical Society's bake sale and the Sunday Farmer's Market that was running at the same time. The burgers & dogs were provided by our volunteer fire department (cooked on site). The corn on the cob was provided by the town Republicans and the drinks (lemonade, water, iced tea) were provided by the town Democrats. The Baptist church had caramel apples & the early childhood program was giving away balloons with cool rubber rings that fit right on your wrist. There were face painters (and really GOOD ones at that), a tattoo table (the washable ones), bounce house, large inflated slide, sand table (filling little bottles with colored sand), craft table, a pretty decent band playing in the gazebo and a host of activities for the kids (wooden chariot rides, wooden stilts to try, a wooden thing with huge wheels that the had to try and drive down a narrow roped off passage in the grass). Did I mention that this was all FREE? I wish I had brought my camera. The 3 little boys had a ball!

The other good part about this weekend? The time I got to spend with Jerm, Bec and my niece, Jess. Jess is 18 and is the youngest daughter of hubby's eldest brother. Jess hasn't always been one to socialize with her family like her older sister, but she seems to have just BLOOMED this past year. I really think it has to do with hubby's brother ditching his bitch of an exwife and finding his new gf. His new girlfriend, H., is awesome and she and Jess have really forged a strong bond. Jess hasn't had a "normal" mother figure ever in her life and having one now has made a huge difference. Anyway, just hangin' with the teenagers was great. Everyone was laughing and getting along...it was so much fun to watch them interact.

The family party was ok - no drama. The gifts we brought for our nieces & nephews were hits and the cake was delicious! YUM! Chris and I also had some solo time with Tom on Friday night which I hope will help with that situation. It was a good last bit of summer....

Life is Randomness

Talked to C. last night at church before our Sunday school meeting. Hospice is now coming in for P. I don't think P. is quite ready to go though. He has yet to discuss anything regarding his funeral, etc. w/C. although I think I understand why. In all the people I have known who have died from a terminal illness (or someone like my nephew who was close before getting his new lungs), you have to come to a certain peace that what is actually happening to you is happening. I can only imagine the loose ends that need to be tied up and that there is some sort of acceptance that must be swallowed, bitter as it may be.

I am fully aware of what Christianity teaches regarding death, but I have to admit that being left behind is so hard regardless of what your brain says. Your heart says something different. My father will be dead two years this December and I still tear up thinking about him. I still miss him. Parents are your safety net no matter how old you are, I think. To lose them is a stark reminder of what you have become and what you have to look forward to.

On to Sunday school (I said it would be random, didn't I?).... It looks like I will be leading Jr. High/High School for the WHOLE year! I haven't been a youth leader in a very long time (since before Thomas was born). I am excited and nervous although the prep work is far less daunting than teaching the younger kiddos. In the winter months, we may even meet at my house at the dining room table. Our church has made some tough decisions regarding heating for the winter. With oil prices what they are, we cannot afford to heat the sanctuary. :( We are a very small congregation and unfortunately oil prices don't change because of this. I hope and pray that I am a well liked Youth teacher and that the kids actually get something out of it. Jr. high kids are not my favorite, but I am kind of burnt out with the littler ones so it was a good opportunity.

This Saturday is the family birthday party for all the September birthdays (there are quite a few). There has been quite a bit of family type drama going on lately which tires me just thinking about it all. I hope that things go smoothly. I have no desire for drama and hope that everyone else feels the same. I have already told myself that I am putting on a happy face and good attitude. Sometimes I feel very detached from the family because we always have done our own thing and because of prior commitments, we end up missing out on family things. In fact, because I agreed to fill in for the younger Sunday school this Sunday, we are missing out on a huge family gathering at an apple orchard. These are the times that I feel left out and not wanted. It seems changing the time is out for everyone else so we aren't included. That makes me sad, but I do understand. It just sucks nonetheless. We have tentative plans to attend our town's Family Day after church. The 3 younger boys are really excited about doing that although if Chris' brother and his girlfriend decide to stop on the way back to the Cape, that may be out as well. Chris and I are not planners by nature and things always get mucked up when we try so I guess like everything, we'll just go with the flow and what happens, happens.

Well, I s'pose I should be off...I have a cake to order (do you think they will be able to fit 8 names?), birthday gift shopping for nieces & nephews, an ortho appointment for Jerm, a color appointment (I have to be repinked) and a myriad of other things for today. Life could be better, but it's mine and because I know what other's are going through, I'll keep it. :)

Good things in my life...

It was a horrible morning. I woke up late for church and ended up being late to church even though it is right next door. P. did make it to church this morning. He is VERY weak and my heart is breaking for him and his family. It was a good service although there wasn't a sermon. The winds of change are certainly a-blowing and well, if you know me, I don't like change.

As I entered into my yard after church, hubby promptly jumped in D.'s truck and drove off to look at a job. I was irritated as he has been working from dawn 'til dark every night this past week including yesterday. I walked into the house and was greeted with the same mess I left and the fact that I had to get my red sauce cooking because I promised Daniel eggplant parm for supper tonight. There were whiny, ill behaved children involved as well. After getting my sauce together to simmer on the stove, I went to my bedroom to check FB. Tried to play some WT, but the kids were awful...seriously. I actually pumped soap into Thomas' mouth because he looked at me when I told him to do something and said "Whatever." in that awful, disrespectful way. (I don't care if he spits it out...I don't make them swallow it or anything...please don't call C&F on me, k?) I was stressed and everyone was on my last nerve.

Basically as Chris walked through the door I decided that I was leaving. I barked at him, one last time at the kids while I got my yoga pants & sneakers on and instead of driving away mad, I decided to walk. And then I jogged...and then the stress seemed to melt away like a glob of cold butter does when it hits a hot skillet. I started to feel less like a caged lioness and more like myself. I walked/jogged for about a half an hour and then hit home to see if anyone wanted to walk the blue path through the woods with me down the street (yes, the same one I took Em's stroller on the other day!) I ended up picking up Daniel, Thomas, David & Chris and so we set off for an adventure down the dirt road, through the wooded path and then back up our road. The boys had a great time even though the rain we've had has turned the wooded path into a little stream in a few places and that the little stream has turned into a raging brook. Wet, but fun.

And it dawned on me as I walked back to the house that I have so many GOOD things in my life. I thought maybe I could list a few of them just to remind myself....they are in no particular order.

1. An awesomely caring, loving & HOT hubby
2. Healthy kiddos - 6 of them, even!
3. A comfortable home with relatively nice things
4. A solid extended family
5. New found girlfriends who always seem to lift me up if I fall
6. My brain...it works...and someday I know it will be full of soil science
7. My computer & the fact that I am able to keep in touch with those far away
8. A full belly with no worries that it won't be full anytime soon
9. My relationship with God. I don't always understand, but I do understand that someday I'll know the reason why for everything I don't understand. Trust & obey.
10. The fact that I am able to exercise, think, breathe, be and the fact that I am able to wake up every day and am free to be the change I want to see.

What I hope to remember is that things aren't always going to be perfect, but if I look around, I am positive that someone else in my life has it harder than I do. I need to remember to give thanks for the blessings that I see each and every day and focus on those instead of the little rough patches that pop up here and there along the way.