Oh P90X, Please help me!

I am bored with running/walking. What used to be fun and a great escape has turned into the dreaded. Not exercising is not an option for me. I hate it, but I know it needs to be done. For the last couple of weeks, I've done little to none. NOT healthy. I've had quite a few headaches and while some may be chalked up to sinus issues, some have been most definitely blood pressure related.

So because I am out of shape, I've decided to try P90X. I likely will do the "Lean" version which incorporates more cardio which is heart healthy (and likely to make my blood pressure get back to normal levels.) I "tried" disc one today. Chest & back. Yeah, right. Try kicking the ass out of my arms is more like it. Lots of push ups and pull ups. No, I can't do a pull up...I used resistance bands and still couldn't even do what they wanted me to because I don't have anything to anchor my bands to in the ceiling. At any rate, I'm sure by tomorrow my arms will have fallen off or be in super massive pain. Good thing I'll be doing something "different" then.

So I am hoping my 90 day journey results in a leaner, stronger me. At least that is what I'm shooting for. Oh and a healthy blood pressure....that would be good.

Feeling overwhelmed

Geez. Don't know if the weather is the culprit or what, but I cannot get out of my funk. I am dealing with family stuff that is not only pissing me off, but troubling my heart, the house is a disaster and all I want to do is climb into bed, lock the door and read. I don't want to be Mommy or Wife or anything else I'm supposed to be.

I think reading is like a drug for me. It takes me somewhere that isn't here. Not reality. I'm sure if I spent half the time I do reading on cleaning the house, I might not feel so overwhelmed in that area, but who wants to? Why mop the floors when it pours for days and the dogs and kids and hubby are just going to track mud throughout? Why cook dinner when you'll just have to clean up the mess after? Why get dressed when you will just have extra laundry? Yeah. I need to get a grip and climb the hell out of this hole. That's for sure.

I also need to run. 5k in less than 16 days. Ugh. I ran with the dogs day before yesterday and completed a mile in under 10 mins. That is something, huh? Who would have ever thunk I would be able to do that and not fall down dead? Now if I could just run 3.10 miles like that I'd be golden. I, of course, after running that fast, had to walk for a bit to catch my breath. The dogs were so energetic that morning. Well, until we were about 1/3rd of the way home and then Guinness was getting lazy. In fact, I really need to hop into some running clothes and go out right now while the sky is not dripping with rain. Yesterday I didn't think the rain would ever stop. I know we need the rain, but it would be nice if a month's worth did not fall in 4 days, you know?

I am headed to a GNO tomorrow. I was hoping it would be at a friend's house because then it would be about 2 miles from home, but for some good reasons, it is being held at a restaurant/bar in the town we grew up in. I was hoping to catch a ride and the hub could pick me up later, but it isn't looking promising. Oh well, guess I'll have to nurse a drink and have lots of water. I'm a grown up now, but one who is used to having the hubby drive during these things.

Speaking of relying on the hubby. He got a call from the oncologist yesterday. He had a cancer removed from his back a couple of weeks ago. No biggie. Well, when they did the lab work on the cancer, they found that there is more near where they took out the big chunk. Microscopic? He has to go back and have his back cut open again. I'm a little bit freaked and a lot bit scared even though he reassures me that it isn't a "big deal". But it is a big deal to me. He is my whole world. I put my head down and get through the days because I long for the time it can just be him and I. That's not to say that I don't enjoy my kids and love them very much, but before there were kids, it was just me and my best friend. Him. Always him. Ever since I was 16. Maybe this makes me some weak, stupid woman because he is it for me. Maybe I have been stupid to make my life revolve around his? Ugh. Needless to say, underneath all the other stuff I'm stressing over, there is a part of me that is terrified about losing him because I'm not sure I would be worth anything without him. So stupid.

Well, if I am going to have any chance of keeping myself together today, I better stop here. Pull myself together. Go for a run. And get through today. One day at a time. Right?

Vagueblogging at its best

Have you ever had the feeling that someone was purposefully trying to keep you out, but allowing you to remain on the fringes so that it didn't look like they were trying to get rid of you?

Ah, such is life. My hubby said that things don't bother him because he only gives energy to those people he actually cares about. He told me to focus my energy on the people that I would mourn if they walked out of my life. He's really good about getting above the BS. One of the many things I love about him.

I've been hangin' with a sick number 5 this week. Fever & cough. Just treating the fever and giving benedryl since the cough seems to be a nasal drip type. Perhaps a viral thing with some allergies....If the fever doesn't break today, I may take him in to the doc tomorrow so that they can take a quick listen to his lungs. I hate trying to get an appt. on the weekends and I never know who is on call.

Also waiting on a call from my sister. About my mom. Doesn't sound good. I am stressing over it and hoping that it is something that can be taken care of with little help because my brother is already dealing with a mother in law with stage 4 breast cancer that has metastasized into her spine...I cannot imagine what my sister in law is going through and my heart breaks for her.

My mother has Alzheimer's. Her Alzheimer's was brought on, in my opinion, by a GP who put her on two types of antidepressants at once (one being Prozac). She went into a stupor and never recovered. Do I think she would have had Alzheimer's anyway? Yep. My grandmother did too. I would venture to guess that it is in my future too. Anyway, her meds don't seem to be working as well anymore and for a good while, my stepfather had convinced her that they were "too expensive" so she stopped getting them. And this was while he was busy writing checks to his daughter and son in law for thousands of dollars. But no, the $200/month pills were just TOO expensive. Asshole. Yet, there she is trying to take care of him. She can't even take care of herself anymore and I am guessing that they are at the end of living on their own. I am angry that my mother has allowed her life to be swallowed up by a man who has taken every good minute of her life and turned it into serving him AND I am angry at my mother for allowing it.

I have never been close to my mom. She left my father when I was 5. They were divorced by the time I was 6. I woke up one morning and she was gone. No explanations. Nothing. Do I think she should have left my father? Absolutely. Do I think she did it in a totally selfish way? Yep. Maybe I haven't forgiven her after all these years. I will say that having children, I cannot even imagine EVER leaving them. You would have to pry my cold dead hands off the door frame before I would leave them like she left me. Perhaps my forgiveness will never go to the depths it has to for healing. I do not know.

So now I wait. The bad daughter. The one who is so caught up in her own life that her mother is on the peripheral. I own it. I just don't know how to change it and I think really that I must not want to since I haven't. Maybe I just need to own that ugly bit too. Hah...I can see the irony of where this blog started and where it has ended.

Karma certainly is a bitch, isn't it?

"Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare

Truer words were never spoken as I've realized over the last couple of days.

I am, by nature, a private person. I do not like to share any of my unhappy parts with others. I do not know why this is, but it is indeed the way I am. Perhaps it has something to do with the terror of being disliked or ridiculed that I've carried for so many years. I wonder if maybe even most of us have this sense although in various degrees.

I decided to step out on a limb yesterday after reading the quote on a FB friend's wall. It was scary. Scarier than riding up the side of Mt. Washington in my truck on a barely 2 car wide road without guard rails. (Just so you know, just the thought of that particular trip while on vacation this year is enough to make me want to vomit - still.) I took a leap of faith and shared some very personal feelings with people I trust the most. I took the wall down and I am happy to say that I am still alive. In fact, once the wall came down and I shared my deepest hurts with them, I felt healing almost immediately. The well of my heart started to fill again.

I am still someone who wants to hurt in private, but the feeling that I shared and these people still love me...dare I say maybe even more...is like a breeze blowing away clouds and for that, I am ever grateful.

Goodybe to you /chop, chop/

So I received an inbox message on FB today. It explained how a group I was part of was deleting people based on their lack of posting/responses "due to the private nature" of the posts in the group. My immediate thought was, "Oh yeah - I haven't seen anything about that group come up in my newsfeed for quite some time". So I clicked on the Group and was immediately sent to my homepage. I tried seeing if it was part of my groups, etc. and found nothing so I'm pretty sure my lack of posting earned me the ol' axe-a-roo.

Honestly, I was a bit upset at first. I have "known" many of these women for years. How could I be axed? And then I thought, "Who really cares?!". And I don't mean to sound prideful or like I am better than anyone. I think it just dawned on me that the internet is not my main source of friendship anymore. I don't need that interaction like I used to. I have made some of my best friends because of the internet, but that particular group obviously wasn't high on my priority list and that being said, my lack of interest made me not very high on the group's priority list. I know I could have myself "reinstated" if I wanted, but I don't think I do. So yeah, go me for not running with my knee jerk reaction. I think I must be growing up. :)

&^%(@#$ BUGS!

I'm not a bug hater as a general rule. If they don't bother me, ie, invade my space, I don't bother them. BUT, this past week, I've decided that I HATE THEM.

It all started with Em's itchy head. Ok, so maybe there was sand in it. Those darn kids are always throwing sand at each other or dumping it over themselves despite being told not to. Scrub, scrub, scrub the scalp. Two days later, itchy again. Take a look and I find BUGS. Not sure what these bugs are. Head to see NP at Pedi's office and find out my little girl has lice. The NP checked my head and Viola - I have lice too! WTF? The little one hasn't been anywhere except dance camp and they aren't putting their heads together or sharing brushes or hats. I have it from sharing my brush with the little one. Light bulb moment. The big girl maybe has it? Rush home to find that the big girl has 'em too. BAD. Ahhh, but she is old enough to NOT share hats or brushes. How the? OHHHHH, the movies. /shiver/ Makes me leery about going to the theater. (See? I am so glad I didn't take her to see Eclipse. I knew those movies would come to a bad end.)

So we treated with the $100/bottle prescription lice treatment. We bought lice/nit combs for $10. We washed everything, bought new pillows and hairbrushes (which we haven't been able to use yet.) Knock on wood, but it looks like they're gone!

Head to my beautiful, lush garden with extra beautiful cucumber & squash plants. This is my quiet place. Solace. Notice a couple of plants are dying. Look closely and see bright funny shaped beetles scurry away. FML. Squash bugs. They will decimate anything squash related (cukes & pumpkins included) . Soon. I had them last year. Nothing I can do short of going out there and killing them one by one by picking them up and throwing them into a soap bucket. Dude. I don't have time for that. I'm so, so sad. I have looked online for treatments and the only organic thing that MAY work is Neem. That is, if I can find the stuff. I busted my arse in that garden. In the fall when the garden is done producing, I will leave out one plant for those damn bugs to attack. I will then poor alcohol or gas over the plant and light the sucker on fire because really, that is about the only thing I can do. Next year, I will also add a few planks of wood into the garden. Each morning I will have to check underneath them and kill the squash bugs that are left over. And I will have Neem on hand. And I will spray EVERYTHING with Neem.

Yeah, so right about now, I hate bugs. I wish they would just leave me alone and pick on someone their own size.

And suddenly I see

A couple months ago I was at the library trying to find some books that would be good and as is customary during my visits, my mind went blank on which books I would have liked to check out (I've started carrying lists now). I remembered a certain someone (thank you TL) mentioning the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon and figured I would check out the first book and see if it would be something I enjoyed.

Honestly, I had a hard time at first getting into the book. It takes a bit of the first book creating the scenes and characters, but once I was past that, a new world opened up to me. Each time I go to the library (about every 2 weeks or so), I check out another book in the series (I have just started the 4th book).

What has struck me the most in this series is the fact that I love my husband in the same way that the main characters love each other. Isn't that absurd? I have been thinking about this for the last month or so and feel so funny that a fictional book has been an epiphany in my life. I am quite sure that I live in reality and that these books are fictional, but I am also quite certain that my hubby is my personal Jamie Fraser - minus the red hair and maybe an inch or so in stature. It brings the books more to life for me. Draws me to them even when I should be doing other things. I have shared with the hubster what I think. I have told him that these books have really hit something that maybe I've always known, but have forgotten during the many years of babies, diapers, midnight feedings, etc. We are simply meant to be.

Some people don't believe in soul mates. I probably wouldn't either except I know I live with mine. I know that my hubby is my other half and 99% of the time can we can finish each other's sentences. It hasn't been all butterflies and roses. It hasn't always been a sure thing, but through it all, I know he is my best friend and I know that I am his. I would rather spend a day (and many nights /wink, wink/) with him more than anyone else. I jump at the chance to be alone with him and am really digging this part of our lives. I love that our youngest children are growing more independent each day and that leaves us with more time for each other.

So even though I feel pretty absurd for figuring this all out because of some fictional series, I am glad that I have. Being happy and in love is a pretty wonderful place to be.