Taking a page from Julie's blog

Goals.

My first goal is to change my lifestyle. I need to make exercise a regular part of my routine. EVERY day. I'm not too shabby with the eating part although I know I have to control my portions. I've decided not to do P90X right now because honestly, it makes me feel like a failure and I want to feel good about my exercise right now. I've decided to use my treadmill & some pilates DVDs I have. I'll do the treadmill one day and the DVDs the next. So far I'm at 2 days of exercise and feeling a bit timid about sharing lest I should fail again, but I also am trying to stay in the mindset that each day is new and I can start each day as it were the first.

Anyway, in the last week I have noticed that my abs are absolutely shot (well, I knew it, but I didn't realize it was SO bad). I also get pretty painful muscle spasms there if I am not careful. I have complained about things twisting around and going numb in my ab area since carrying Thomas or Daniel, but neither of my OBs (original or current) seem to be worried about it. It isn't getting better though so I am wondering if I should push a bit harder. Truth be told, I would be thrilled to get some "reconstructive" surgery done on my tummy. Does this make me vain? Gah. I hate vain people, but I also would love a nice tummy. I know where Em gets the whole Sybil thing from...bwaahaahaahaa ;)

My second goal is to broaden my garden (bigger & more variety) which will take some studying on my part. We do the garden from seed because it is cheap, but it also makes things a bit harder. I have a black thumb and that hasn't changed for any indoor plants (seriously - I've killed a cactus!), but for some reason, I seem to be able to pull off a garden. I love weeding which probably helps. I think that my garden is another "quiet" place for me...no one bothers me there - just like the laundry area. :)

My last goal is to stop my yelling that seems to happen every morning & help my boys be more responsible about getting themselves ready for school. I have started not getting up with them (although I am awake in bed) and so far they've done ok. I have to remember to set David's clothes out the night before and I have to help him learn to get his own snack at night, but other than that, there really isn't any need for me to be up micro managing what they are doing. They can get breakfast on their own, dress, brush their teeth & hair, pack their backpacks and watch for the bus. I know the two middle boys are more than capable and David isn't far behind although he still needs help with getting breakfast.

I know there are many Moms out there who probably think I'm making them grow up too fast, but I don't see it like that. In our larger family, everyone needs to take a certain responsibility for themselves. I guess I look at it as learning life skills sooner rather than later. The more responsible they are the better and practice makes perfect. And lest I should come off as a lazy, good for nothing Mom, I do get up before the bus comes and I make sure they know I love them & wish them a good day before they walk out the door. Trust me - much more preferable than the drill instructor type yelling that was going on.

I lost a morning!

I was feeling rather sad this morning. Perhaps it even bordered on sorry for myself. Being friends with family on FB has been challenging at times. Most of my readers know the constant ups and downs with my sister in law. What you may not know is that my BIL & SIL's four children are close in age/same age as our four youngest. In fact, two of them are 5 days apart. I know at the beginning, this caused much heartache for my SIL because I think she wanted her first pregnancy to be all about her so when I announced weeks later that I was pregnant, it didn't go over very well. The fact that I had just had two miscarriages in a row didn't mean a thing. Now this is just background. I've long since gotten over this and my SIL pulled her head out of her ass a long time ago as well. Needless to say, our boys were born 3 weeks to the day and almost to the hour apart. They have grown up together and love each other very much. Even though SIL and I may not be able to be confident in each other's intentions, our children all love each other very much just as cousins should.

So this morning as I was perusing the status updates, I came across SIL's. Apparently they are taking M. to a water park for his "friend" birthday party (the family party is on Sunday and we all will be attending). I was taken aback and immediately felt sorry for my boys. In fact, I felt angry even. We've always invited the cousins for parties. Last year T. had a Mad Science birthday party and we invited their two oldest. I felt the same anger and resentment and hurt that always seems to erase whatever nice feelings I have for my SIL. How dare she rub my nose in the fact that she is taking her son to an indoor water park and not invite my boys?! I hate to admit that my whole morning was spent grumbly and irritated. Of course, this also may had something to do with the fact that there was no coffee and hubby had to get his haircut before getting more and the fact that we are having some major money issues right now. As far as the latter, I do not know how this happened except that cash flow just stopped. We have made all the important payments (trucks, mortgage, food), but we are falling behind on almost everything else and I'm ready for spring. Thankfully hubby already has work lined up, but we need the weather to cooperate now. No more snow please.

So when hubby got home and made the coffee, he noticed how witchy I was. I didn't say anything to him, but that was the point I guess. I was quiet and my body language was a dead give away. He came up stairs and I finally spilled what my issues were. He looked at me and said that SIL had told him last night that they were taking M. to the water park and he was only allowed one friend. Immediately I felt awful. I mean, even if M had asked for T to go, that would leave D out. While I usually don't buy into the whole "keep it fair" stuff, I have to admit that this would have been overly hurtful to D who is extremely sensitive. Hubby also reminded me that if T had to choose one friend for something, it likely wouldn't have been M. He would have chose a friend from school. Duh, of course he would. Sometimes I wonder why my brain can function in an analytical way at one time and then be a total mess at others. I think it has something to do with not using my brain once the whole feeling of hurt/anger/sadness comes in. I really need to work on this.

So I am feeling better, but I just realized that I have wasted a WHOLE morning on this. David will be off the bus in 15 minutes and I'm not even showered nor have I done anything except one load of laundry. Dude...I have a whole house to clean! D'oh! So yeah, if you need me today, I'm trying to make up for my emotional morning.

Things are a changin'

Things change. I hate it. Really, really loathe it. Oh, I suck it up eventually and deal with it, but I'd prefer things to go on the same really. I don't like waves - they mess everything up.

Perhaps this thinking stunts who I am...stunts my emotional/spiritual growth. I'm wondering if I need to start embracing the changes in my world instead of fighting them or ignoring them for as long as possible.

Tonight I set a course for change yet again and I'm frightened at the thought of failing yet again. I want something very badly, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to work for it even though I know it is important.

Well, whatever happens I know eventually I will figure things out. I just wish it came easy this change stuff...

My past

While reading my friend Leah's blog, it reminded me of my own teenage years. Two things in particular came to mind and while they aren't mirror images of Leah's own experiences, they definitely have some commonalities.

First I will preface this by letting you know that virtually my whole life was spent living with my Dad. My parents separated when I was 5 and were divorced by the time I was 6. All, but 2 and a half years were spent living with my Dad until I was married. The time I spent with my mom was short, but it was also those awful preteen/beginner teen years where a.) I believed the world revolved around me and b.) I felt certifiable many, MANY days. Needless to say, those were rough years. I ended up going back to live with my Dad halfway through my freshman year in high school right after I got caught being truant. Of course, being truant is bad, but the fact that I had spent the day with a guy trying to lose my virginity is probably the real issue here. In fact, that just gives you an idea where my head was then. I remember vividly just wanting someone (a boy) to love me and take care of me (treat me well). My dream for as long as I can remember was to be married to Prince Charming and have a gaggle of children.

So back to the small town I grew up in - desperately missing the friends & life I had in my mother's more "urban" town. I re-made friends although being painfully shy did not make the transition any easier. My saving grace was that the girl I had grown up with who lived across the street from me was a senior and had promised nothing bad would come to me. She was true to her word and I didn't get any crap from any upper class men. While I started to fit in again, I still missed the friends/boys from EH. I still kept in touch via phone with some and one day, without warning I had a guy I knew from EHHS pick me up after my Dad went to work and I didn't come home. I didn't call anyone either. I just disappeared. Let me say, as a parent, this must've been terrifying. While my father could be a total ass when he was drunk (he was a high functioning alcoholic), he made parenting an out of control 14/15 year old look absolutely simple. I cry even now thinking how awful I must've made him feel on so many occasions and I cannot even apologize to him because he's been dead for 2 years now. /sob/

So I ditched the guy who had picked me up and had him drop me off at a shady Peruvian's house I knew. I had a crush on this guy forever and a day and he toyed with me most of the time. By this time, I was not a virgin anymore. That had been taken care of on my father's living room couch one evening. This guy snuck me into his room past his Mom (who hated all the girls) and we were awoken sometime in the middle of the night by his Mom who had been awoken by the state police at her door looking for me. Needless to say, she was NOT pleased to find me in her son's room and I knew I wouldn't be staying there again. I parted ways with G early the next morning and I never contacted him again. I'm pretty sure he went to jail at some point for drug dealing.

I ended up staying at another guy's house (the same one I was truant with) for a day or two, a night in my mother's shed (she was on a trip), another friend's house in the neighboring town and then my aunt (my Dad's sister) graciously lent me her couch even though my parents & sister had told everyone not to help me out. I will forever hold a special place in my heart for my Auntie Betty. She died 3 and half years ago from cancer, but I have never met anyone like her. She genuinely thought with her heart. She forgave easy and did what she thought was right even if it wasn't the popular choice. I miss her as much as I miss my Dad and our family hasn't been the same since she died.

During this week or so, I spent most of it stoned. Mostly smoked hash and then spent time looking for something to eat. I find it pretty ridiculous that I had no money, but I could always find someone who would get me high for free. I also realized that I was in love with a guy (truant guy) who would never be able to love me the way I needed to be loved. He was absolutely amazing in bed - seriously - but the kind of love I was looking for would never be there. We fooled around lots of times even after this point and while I think I held a special place in his heart, even then I knew nothing would come of it. We've lost touch and reconnected over the years and currently we've lost touch. Last time I knew he was married and living out west. I won't lie, I think of him sometimes. I truly believe he was the first person I ever really loved.

I ended up meeting my Dad for coffee at a restaurant that no longer exists and deciding that I was ready to go home. I found that after this whole ordeal, my Dad stopped being "parental" for lack of a better word. I had a curfew, but I pretty much came and went as I wanted. The boundaries had been tested and it seemed that I had won. It probably was the fact that my Dad didn't want me to take off again although to tell the truth, I much preferred being home in my own bed with food & money at my disposal.

I wish I could say that at this point I started behaving in a self respectful way, but I didn't. I pretty much had sex with anyone. In cars, outside, at my house, at my best friend's house....didn't matter. I had boyfriends, but if I wasn't seeing anyone and someone caught my eye, I'd sleep with them. Didn't matter the age either. At 15 I slept with guys in their 20's. The fact that I could play the game and seduce someone was something I took pride in. /shudder/ I look back thinking that I had a whole lot of self loathing. I wanted something so badly (love) that I did what I thought would make it happen. It didn't happen. No one can love you until you love yourself. No one will respect you until you respect yourself. It was a hard and long lesson for me. At some point during my 16th year, something clicked in my head and I decided that I was worth more than getting laid. I was looking for and deserved more than that. It was around this point that I met my husband.

Now, old habits die hard. I actually was at a keg party with my cousin and my best friend (who were dating at the time). I was trashed - probably because I carried my own plastic beer mug attached to my jeans by a bandanna! I asked 2 guys to bring me home. Both had said they couldn't/wouldn't. I then saw my hubby and remembered him from high school (and the fact that he was friends with the same across the street neighbor who had my back). I asked him for a ride. He reluctantly agreed (he knew I was drunk). He brought me to my bf's house (where I was staying for the weekend). I tried to have sex with him, but he wasn't really interested. He stayed pretty late, but ended up leaving. During this same time I had a crush on another guy in town who totally wasn't interested in me. He had some skanky girl in a neighboring town that had a hold over him. O was the bad boy and hubby was the good boy.

My fate was decided (by my own choice) on 10/28/86 (a Tuesday). Hubby and I had a falling out (we were seeing each other which was a step down from dating - we weren't "exclusive"). He took another girl to a party and lied to me about it. He didn't realize that I might actually show up at the party and when I did, I was hurt and left with his best friend, T. The next day I had a date with T. The day after (Monday) I took a bottle of Bacardi light rum from my Dad's wet bar and went joy riding with O. It was the only time I've ever "blacked out" while drinking. I had sex with O, but I remember saying hubby's name during it - that basically ended that. We drove to the local 7-11 and who was there, but hubby. O said something about not being used to make someone else jealous and he turned around in the parking lot and took me home. When I walked through the door there was a note on the table from my Dad. Hubby had called and left a message. Of course, I knew he wasn't home so I didn't talk to him until the next day.

When we finally talked the next day, hubby apologized for lying to me and asked if I was interested in "going out" with him which means we would be "exclusive". This was the day that my life turned around and I was saved. I did a lot of growing over the next couple of years. Hubby was definitely God's way of saving me. I truly believe that God put him in my path so that I didn't end up dead. The worst thing that happened was that O's gf gave us all chlamydia. I think back to ALL the people I slept with and it is a true miracle that I didn't end up with something much worse that didn't go away with a long round of tetracycline.

While hubby and I have had our share of ups and downs and a bout of my old stupidity rearing its ugly head after J. was born (no sex involved, but I cheated), I cannot imagine being with anyone else. Hubby knows me like no other person does and the fact that he still loves me and finds me attractive gets me through those days that I don't believe in myself. He is true blue at his very core and I owe him my life. I know I wouldn't have my dreams of a good man and lots of kiddos without him. I know he was meant for me and was a gift - a saving one.

Good things abound!

Firstly, I am thankful for my GP's office. Not only did they get me in yesterday afternoon (and earlier than expected), they gave me the news that they just started taking my insurance! Can I get a big huge WOOOHOOOO?! Seriously, I praised God all the way home. That was an absolute answer to prayer. I also received 5 days of a strong antibiotic to knock out whatever is left in my chest and my sinuses. I am still pretty stuffy, but hopeful that I'll start feeling much better by this weekend. Now I'm crossing my fingers that the acidophlis that I bought will counter the strong antibiotics and I won't need a prescription of Diflucan in a couple of days! I also have a boatload of fat free plain yogurt on hand and plan on making myself some mean strawberry smoothies!

Secondly, my appliances are all in working order. Yes, the fan on my convection oven is put back into place and my fridge's freezer is working as it should now that the dust and hair that was clogging the compressor has been vacuumed away. I was also told that my "excessive" sweeping was likely the reason why it clogged to begin with. Who woulda thunk that cleaning had such terrible consequences? bwaahaahaa I'll keep that little item for those days that I really don't want to sweep or vacuum! I was also told by my favorite appliance repair man that having another washer would be ideal for us. He said that all of our appliances basically will last half as long as the average person's because of all the wear and tear they get from 8 people. This perhaps will get the hubster's butt in gear to go over and get the free front loader the neighbors are giving us. Two front loaders means double the laundry being done at once!!!

Thirdly, it is 9:40am and Em hasn't peed her pants. She did wet them just a tiny bit first thing this morning, but it was partially my fault since she was stuck at the table (I was trying to get those middle boys on track so that they didn't miss the bus). Yesterday also was a "good" day. No accidents on my watch.

Fourth, well, it is a brand new day and I'm still here. I have a sinus headache (still), but I'm happy and content which makes everything a bit better.

Emmalicious aka Peepee pants girl

I first want to apologize for being so whiny in my last blog. I sometimes wonder if I don't hate being on state insurance so badly that I imagine other people looking down on me. I was very frustrated, however, at how hard it is to find someone who will treat me. I ended up speaking with hubby and telling him that I will continue to see my GP even if I have to self pay. Most doctors give heavy discounts for self pay anyway. Hubby and I self pay our dental stuff as well so whatever.

On to the missy. She is driving me nucking futs. Seriously. She wakes up dry from all naps and nighttime. She poops on the potty 100% of the time. She has, however, taken to peeing her pants almost EVERY day - sometimes 2-3 times per day. I try not to get angry. I try to remember that she isn't even 3 yet and that she just turned 2.5 last month. I just get so frustrated because she waits too long to go. She will say "Peepee" and I will tell her ok, take your pants off and go (which she is fully capable of) and then she will play for another 20 minutes until she cannot possibly hold it in anymore and either pee in her pants or pee on the bathroom floor on the way to the pot. I've tried to make sure she gets to the bathroom on the first "peepee" signal or cry, but sometimes it's darn near impossible to break away from what I'm doing.

I think also that she is strong willed. When I say strong willed, I mean that she will not do what you tell her to unless she feels that if she doesn't do it some bodily harm may come to her. If I start counting, generally she is all about doing what she is told. She pushes EVERY boundary imaginable. Just now, I told her to stay away from the dog. What does she do after I tell her to stay away? Oh yes, you know it...she goes to the dog. She has been nipped more than once. She doesn't learn so we have to generally keep her away from both of the dogs unless we are right there making sure she isn't biting them, poking them, pulling their tails, etc. In the dogs' defense, they have been very, very patient with her. Guinness will let her lay, climb, get in her face, but they both lose their cool after having their tails pulled and being bit. I've now decided that she has to be by my side every waking moment of the day because if not, she is into something or doing something she shouldn't.

I think what this all boils down to is that I'm slowly going insane. I don't think this bus has any more stops either so I hope to meet someone I know in Looney Town. I'll be there soon unless of course Miss Peepee Pants keeps telling me that she loves me like she just did. Then I'll just be sitting here in a pile of melt.

Reduced to tears

Today did not start off too well. I awoke around 5:20am and I was having trouble breathing. I was whistling when I wasn't trying to. I almost gave in and went down to take a nebulizer treatment since we have pulmicort & albuteral on hand from when Daniel was really sick. I decided that today was the day I was going to find a new doctor that took my insurance.

So I ask hubby to take Bec for her dental appointment and I check the internet to see what doctors take our insurance. First you need to know that we qualify for & use HUSKY which is a state insurance program. We've NEVER had an issue with the pediatrician, my GP or the OB/Gyn on this insurance. We also do not use any other state help. We've never used WIC or food stamps or energy assistance. NOTHING. About 6 months or so ago, I received a notice that I had to change insurance companies (the state was removing our particular company from the list). So I changed to a new company. I looked to make sure our pediatrician was listed. He was. I looked to see if my OB/Gyn was listed. She was. I didn't check to make sure my GP was listed because well, I only go if I am sick or something. He is not. So now you can see my dilemma.

In December, after feeling ill for almost a month, I broke down and went to a local walk in clinic that was listed as accepting our insurance. When I got there, I found that they *can* accept it, but they don't. What?! How can you do that? Oh well, paid my $120 (up front I might add - they don't accept checks. Cash or CC only) just to find out that there was nothing wrong with me. GREAT. So I started taking Benedryl each night and finally I started to feel better. Then I started coughing. It's been going on since sometime shortly after Christmas. I take Benedryl every evening. I've been running the humidifier next to my bed. I've been blowing my nose and dealing with it the best I can. Last Friday I even drank margaritas because tequila is good for a cold (grin...it really is...really). As of this morning, I figured maybe I should see a doctor because I don't think I'm supposed to whistle while I breathe. So I started my quest....

I called an office in the town I grew up in. I ask "Are you accepting new patients?". The woman on the other end asks "What is your insurance?" So I tell her. She asks me what town I live in. I tell her. She says "Sorry, no we're not." The tears start to flow because once they ask what your insurance is, the tone automatically changes. Once they realize you are "some scumbag on state insurance" things change. So I mentally prep myself to make another call. This doctor's office actually shares the space with my pediatrician. I ask the question. The woman at the other end asks if this is "state insurance". I give her the answer. Another big fat no. More tears & anger & frustration. I wonder why no one takes new patients with state insurance. I mean, can't they list that online? So I call the insurance company. But of course you know I can only leave a message for "member services". No one will actually help me find someone who will take my insurance at this time.

So feeling even worse now, I call my GP's who I haven't seen in over 2 years (was pregnant with Em at the time & thought my headaches were sinus related...hah - who knew they were migraines until I had actual visual disturbances?) and leave a message for them to call with the answering service. I am sick. I feel that I probably need some antibiotics or at least for someone to listen to my chest. I now sit here waiting for someone to call. Anyone. I mean, it's not like I go to the doctor all the time. I see my ob/gyn yearly, but that's preventative stuff mostly.

Hubby thinks I should call my GP's office again. Maybe they'll be open now. Maybe someone will treat me, but frankly I'm tired of working so hard just so someone can listen to my chest. I'd rather just keep sucking it up and self treating. Perhaps I can find something that will help that doesn't involve seeing someone who really could care less about me anyway and you know honestly, if it gets too bad, I will just head to the ER because apparently that is the only level of care I deserve (and I'm guessing many others as well).

And yeah, I'm probably feeling sorry for myself right now, but it's my blog and I can cry if I want to.